Marriage over due to vile narcassist mother in law.

(383 Posts)
rundown25 Wed 30-Sep-15 12:49:04

It's long so be warned. Been with dh 18 years have 4 beautiful kids. At first she seemed lovely but when I look back I was young and naive. My husband has always been a mammy boy and she thinks the sun shines from his arse. Nothing he does is ever wrong in her eyes. Anyways this past year has been horrendous. I lost my dad and had no support at all from dh. He works for his mam in a family run business. She controls every aspect of our life as we live in her house as part of his wage . She criticises ,puts down everything we do. Nasty jibes constantly . She thinks I'm no good and not worthy of my husband . I have brought up the kids single handily as he works 7 days a week . After I had my children he dumped me and baby at home from hospital and went back to work as she told him he had to. He never had any paternity leave and rarely has a day off. I don't know why I let his mother bother me so much but she really does. Iv walked out and told my husband it's me or her and he just said right let's divorce then . I know he loves the bones of me and it was said in an argument but I do think he would choose his mam over me and kids. He wud rather have a broken family than stand up to her . It's such a long story and I'd love to go into the exact things she has done but I'm scared people will know who I'm talking about. You would be shocked. Anyways I just can't cope with her anymore and I have told Hubby it's her or us ? We are currently living in a rented house in a nearby village . It's a big change for kids but they seem fine. Hubby is angry iv left and says I'm ruining kids lives but I can't live somewhere I'm not welcome or wanted cos I know she hates that I live in the house . She has said many times she wishes me and dh would split up. She wants him all to herself and will stop at nothing till she gets this . My husband is devastated iv left him but he is yet to do anything about it. He is terrified to stand up to her . He has worked since he was 10 years old in the family business and really built it up to a thriving company . He is yet to be made a partner by her . Again control and because she is so so greedy with money that she is terrified to share anything. He has lived by her rules and promise that one day the business will be his so he gets the smallest wage which is less than minimum and works every hour god sends whilst I sit at home alone with kids. Sorry to ramble I'm a just so lost and want him to stand up to her so bad . Has anyone been in similar situation of being controlled so much by mother in law. It's killing me knowing I'm losing the love of my life due to this vile narcassist . I know it's not all in my head either as many people have told me how stupid I am for tolerating her behaviour as long as I did. My dad god rest his soul was told when I first started dating husband that the one person to watch would be his mother as she is "poison" and that was from a supposedly family friend of my husbands family. So it's not just me being petty . Someone please please help and offer advice ? Should I stay firm and not go back and tell husband we either get our own home (he still works for business) and he gets paid a proper wage so he can support his family or we divorce and he stays living by his mams rules

AnotherEmma Wed 30-Sep-15 12:54:23

As people often say on here, you have a DH problem not a MIL. These are choices that he's made. It sounds as if his MIL is extremely toxic and difficult to stand up to, but that's what he should be doing. I think you're right to give him an ultimatum and leave. It sounds as if he has picked her sadly, in which case please stick to your guns and get legal advice for a divorce.

Do you have any support in RL?

AnotherEmma Wed 30-Sep-15 12:54:41

Meant "not a MIL problem"!

Waltermittythesequel Wed 30-Sep-15 12:58:07

I'm sorry you're going through this.

She's sounds like a right piece of work but it is your husband who is choosing this, not your MIL.

You say he loves you but do you even have a proper relationship? No days off, ever. You've raised the kids pretty much alone. No time off when they were born.

She's acting viciously but he's allowing it.

He loves you but said "let's divorce".

He misses you but hasn't asked you back or even tried to discuss compromises.

I'm sorry but sounds to me like you'd be better off building a life away from him and his unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship with his mother. flowers

JumpingJack56 Wed 30-Sep-15 12:58:44

Stay firm, it's not just you he's failing, it's your children too and unless you want them to fall into following the unhealthy family dynamics at play between your dh and mil then you need to be the one who shows them they don't have too. It isn't mil that has split up your family, as your dh is an adult and makes his own choices. Yes it's scary to stand up to toxic people but that doesn't mean you sell the family you choose to make down the river in order to appease the toxic ones. flowers

Scobberlotcher Wed 30-Sep-15 13:00:08

thanks I'm really sorry. It's a terrible situation to be in but your focus is on the wrong person. your post blames your mother in law but lists many ways in which your husband has not been there for you and has let you down.

Your marriage is over because your husband is not there for you, does not support you and he prioritises his mother over you, always has and always will. She is only as powerful as he has allowed her to be.

You are losing the love of your life because he can't break free of his mother and would rather lose you than lose or anger or stand up to her.

That is very painful for you.

But tbh, he's made his choice. He chose his mum. That's not going to change. He flat out chose her.

If you go back to him, you go back knowing that and trust me nothing will change for the better. She'll treat you even worse because you dared to leave him (even though you aren't in her eyes good enough) and you will live with a man you know won't ever be there for you.

In your shoes, honestly? I'd divorce him. Not because of his mother, but because of him.

BoboChic Wed 30-Sep-15 13:02:46

Your STBXH needs to grow a pair. Stay away until he does!

Penfold007 Wed 30-Sep-15 13:03:00

I stunned that it took you four children and 18 years before you left. He's previously said that he would rather divorce you than upset his mother and has made no moves to get you to come back.

Get legal advice and start a CSM claim, mummy will make sure you get as little as possible.

specialsubject Wed 30-Sep-15 13:03:26

you didn't marry her, you married him. He could have changed and broken free, he hasn't. He's had plenty of chances and still hasn't done it.

lose him and move on.

molyholy Wed 30-Sep-15 13:03:55

In your shoes, honestly? I'd divorce him. Not because of his mother, but because of him.

Totally agree with this^

Sorry OP, but it sounds a bit hopeless flowers

Theycallmemellowjello Wed 30-Sep-15 13:11:27

Agree with others that YANBU at all in moving out - it sounds like absolutely the right thing for you and your kids. And MIL sounds awful - but don't excuse your DH. He's a grown man who has made a commitment to you which he is not keeping up, and is also undervaluing his kids. That's absolutely on him, and no one else can take the blame for that. It's very hard and much easier to blame someone you (rightly) have no affection for (ie MIL) than someone you still love (ie DH), but you won't be able to move on unless you recognise that DH is responsible for his own actions. Stay strong and good luck.

PurpleDaisies Wed 30-Sep-15 13:11:30

You need to get angry at your dh for not backing you. Your marriage is over because of him not her.

We had issues with my mil and my dh found it really hard to tell her to back off and stop being so horrible but he could see how unhappy she was making me, and that she was in the wrong so it wasn't just me being vindictive.

I wonder if there's a middle way between him having to choose between her and you. Untimatuns sometimes make people react by rebelling against the person giving it, even if that's not what they really want. You don't have to have a relationship with her but I think most people would find it really hard to cut off a parent, even if their relationship with them is really difficult. Could you meet him at something like relate and talk through how him always choosing her makes you feel and come up with some sort of compromise where he sees her on terms you're happy with? Living away from her sounds like an absolute necessity too.

If you want to walk away from him that's totally understandable. Talking calmly with him about why you're so upset (justifiably) will help whether you're staying together or splitting for good. flowers

Spartans Wed 30-Sep-15 13:12:43

I agree with others your issue is with your Dh not your mil.

rundown25 Wed 30-Sep-15 13:18:14

Oh believe me with each child I knew that I was always second best. Iv always felt so so alone. He is a great dad and takes the kids often with him to work (farmer) . The kids have a beautiful life and it's a bug adjustment for them mOving to an estate rather than being on farm as we previously were.I know my husband is the problem and he has said numerous times he will try and change get more time off blah blah blah but the farm is always so so busy. When I had my 4th baby last year she finally came to see the baby after 3 weeks and said "oh I don't do babies I much prefer my dogs" I was so so shocked and couldn't speak. Hubby was upset but just said oh u know what she is like. She has put him down loads over the years and he told me she has never once said she loves him or is proud of him. I know he feels it and feels stuck in the middle. He is a sensitive soul and just tries to keep everyone happy. Since losing dad few months ago (he was only 54 and I miss him terribly ) and how he never took a single day off to support me . Dad was in a coma at home and I had no support help or anything.I was managing school runs and visiting dad alone. It was heartbreaking . Even day of funeral he went back to work afterwards . I know I deserve better but the problem is I don't know any different . We started dating age 16 and have never been with anyone else . First loves , both virgins when we met so there is a lot of memories and I'm scared . I'm 33 now and terrified of being alone however I'm content and relaxed in new house . Who would want a mother with 4 kids ? I'm so confused. If we moved to our own house and didn't live in the one his mother owns I know we could be happy but he says no way cos we would never get a house like that with land stables etc as we wouldn't afford it. Which I sent his point but the big flash house does not feel like my home.yes it's in an idyllic location and kids have all they need but I'm not happy and feel on edge I case his mam appears which she does often . She is the thorn in our marriage and has done some terrible things . It's affecting my mental health as it's all I think about. I know I deserve better than dh offers but as I say he is all I know. All.iv done is bring up his 4 kids as well as work part time myself. I'm physically exhausted as have no help at all. He just says it's either I put up with how things are or we get divorced. So basically his way or no way. That's not a marriage and i realise this. I'm so broken from losing my dad who was diagnosed only 12 months ago with cancer . He was my world and I'm lost without him. Dad always said I deserved better so I wish I'd listened .

rundown25 Wed 30-Sep-15 13:21:51

Thank you for the replies. It's my first time ever posting on any type of site. Thank you

Oliversmumsarmy Wed 30-Sep-15 13:26:39

Having met a couple of other people similar to your MIL over the years you can bet a pound to a penny he will never get his hands on that business and he is kidding himself if he thinks otherwise. The fact he is nothing more, than a low paid employee who has no say in the companies future says it all.
At some point in the future your MIL will decide to retire, she will sell the business to another probably larger company and go and live with all the money abroad or somewhere miles away so she doesn't have to deal with the fall out. Then your dh will be on his own.

wizzywig Wed 30-Sep-15 13:27:02

She has ensured you'll get hardly any maintenance as his wages are so low. But regardless, get out and dont look back

Scobberlotcher Wed 30-Sep-15 13:29:20

in your op you said that he's always been a mummy's boy, that she thinks the sun shines from his arse and nothing he does is ever wrong. How can that be true and also she puts him down a lot and never tells him she loves him or is proud of him?

There is a massive contradiction there that surely he cannot reconcile? She cannot both think he can do no wrong and the sun shines out his arse and at the same time put him down loads and never praise him. That must be very confusing.

Your choices are leave him or stay with him. He isn't going to change, so basically if you choose to stay you're waiting until his mother dies so he can have the farm and maybe start caring about you more.

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't fancy that much. I'd rather be on my own.

whattheseithakasmean Wed 30-Sep-15 13:31:31

If your MIL can break up your marriage, it was never going to make the long haul. It is pointless blaming a third party, in the end the two of you couldn't make it work. It happens.

He doesn't sound that great a dad, if he didn't support you when your father died. Being part of a great dad is supporting you to be a great mother.

Oliversmumsarmy Wed 30-Sep-15 13:33:24

Just seen it is a farm. He will definitely not be getting his hands on it and the big flash house he lives in will be bought with the farm and he will have to vacate and start again. Wouldn't it be better to start now to buy somewhere small and move up now than maybe in 10 years time when it will be more difficult to get a mortgage. I think his position is precarious and he needs to take a good long look at his future

Helloitsme15 Wed 30-Sep-15 13:34:19

flowers
You will know fairly soon if you have his attention - he will either sink back into the son role - or break free.
Either way you have done the right thing for you and the children.

rundown25 Wed 30-Sep-15 13:58:09

She puts him down to his face but praises him to others. She also has no clue the way he has treat me this past 6 months but to her he is an amazing husband and would never do anything as mean as emotionally abuse me. That's what I mean. She is vile to him but then praises him to others . She does think the sun shines out his arse and it's all my fault as to why iv left him. He had done no wrong at all. It's all very weird and twisted . Even I don't understand it

MrsLupo Wed 30-Sep-15 14:02:25

My mother has a narcissistic personality disorder and I know very well what destructive family members such people can be. I agree with pp that your DH is the problem you need to tackle, but also have some sympathy with him - it is very difficult as the offspring of a narc to even see properly what is going on, never mind to have any strategies to deal with it. If your marriage is to have any hope at all, you both need the input of a counsellor/therapist with an understanding of narcissistic parenting.

That said, from what you say, I think your DH has a very long way to go before he develops the necessary insight into his relationship with his mother to make the changes your marriage needs to survive. I think you have done the right thing by drawing a line and removing your own DCs from what can only be a progressively toxic situation for them also. You sound like you're a coper, but that's a tough role to maintain on an ongoing basis so I hope you have or can get some RL support so that you can maintain the line and not give in to DH/MIL's demands/expectations.

IME, narcissistic parents are a problem without a solution. There is no negotiating or compromising to be done. They don't change. All you can do is decide what you will tolerate and then act accordingly. DH is either with you or against you, sadly. Even if he is with you in his heart, he may be unable to act in a way that makes his a meaningful choice. Or he may be unable to choose you now, but that might change, depending on how the family dynamics evolve - but it could take years or even decades.

I really feel for you, OP. I will keep watching the thread and hope we can support you. Very sorry also about your father. flowers

rundown25 Wed 30-Sep-15 14:38:28

Thank you Mrs Lupo . Life feels hopeless at the moment but I will manage . I always do. Problem I has is the kids love the farm so they do still see his mother. But iv made it clear my name is not to be mentioned to my dc. She has in the past bad mouthed me to them and dh went beserk and that has been stopen for now. I hope he sees sense and realises where his heart lies . As you say he has grew up with her so finds it difficult to see her narcassist ways. She is everything a narcassist is. She will never ever admit she is wrong or apologise . She has caused so much upset and bad feeling that it's hard to not let her affect our marriage . Especially as we all live and work together it's not so easy to just ignore her put downs . Thanks for listening xx

Sunnymeg Wed 30-Sep-15 14:40:30

Your Mil will have been manipulating your DH since the day he was born. My Mil was just the same and would seek to belittle her daughters in law at any opportunity. My DH and BIL never could see it. It is no fun and gets worse as they get older. You and your husband have the problem that you are dependent on as well so you have even less room to manoeuvre. I was lucky as one day she totally overstepped the mark and my DH had a huge wake up call (she told him to divorce me, when I was diagnosed with cancer)and he finally realised what a nasty piece of work she was. If that hadn't happened she would have worked on him to prise him away from me when I was at my lowest.

Hopefully this will be a wake up call for your DH and he will start to stand up for himself and for you. Most men ime will go along with stuff for a supposedly easy life, until that life trips them up and they have a real crisis.
That is what is happening to him now. I hope it works out for you.

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