To cut contact with DS dad for good

[LoveisnotallIneed]

Hey everyone, had to name change.

Basically I was in an abusive relationship with DS dad, since many months and years of social services being involved, supervised visits etc. DS dad now can see DS unsupervised.

With the social worker, we've made a plan that every two weeks on Friday, DS dad will collect DS from school and have him over the weekend. This plan began six months ago. Since then, DS dad has been inconsistent with his visitation with DS. He makes up excuses saying " I couldn't get through to your phone to pick him up", "It's raining outside", "I have to do something quick"..etc. There are times where the school has called me on Fridays asking me to pick up DS as his dad has failed to pick him up.

I'm tired of this to be honest, he now hasn't seen DS for a month and I'm thinking of cutting all contact, blocking his number etc. AIBU to do this?

It makes me sad when I see DS upset that his dad hasn't picked him up. But on the other hand, if I do block DS dad's number, I'm worried that I will be interfering with their relationship and I'll be the "blame" for DS not having contact with his dad.

What do you guys think?

[TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee]

In situations like this, I'm in favour of giving them enough rope to hang themselves with. (Not a pleasant turn of phrase, I know.) BUT. Don't block his number. Don't text or call asking him about fetching DS either, tho. And if he goes back to court etc, you are blameless as he's always been able to get hold of you etc.

[LoveisnotallIneed]

Hi TillItook.. I stopped calling his dad to collect DS..and of course he hasn't. So I shouldn't block his number then?

[BarbarianMum]

Keep a record. Every missed contact, every late collection, every time the school has rung and asked you to collect your ds. This will form the backbone of any case you make to stop contact.
I see 2 scenarios here. Either contact will splutter and die over the next few months-and your record can be used to stop it starting again in the future, or it carries on limping along and you go back to court in another 6 months and argue that contact is no longer good for your ds.

[LoveisnotallIneed]

I don't quite understand Barbarian by your last two comments. Could you explain it a bit more.

[katemiddletonsothermum]

I think what Barbarian means is that your ex will use any excuse to make him look good and you look bad, especially for the benefit of the court.

What you need to do is keep a diary. Every time your ex fails to turn up to collect your DS, write it down with the date, the time, and then the reason / excuse that your ex gave as to why he didn't turn up when he was supposed to.

What you need to do for yourself is to have hard, written evidence, that your son is the victim and not your ex. My own EXh (can't even write the D bit) plays the victim card very well, however, I was able to show that he had a history of being a twunt and his solicitors didn't even put a fight when I said I was going to take him to court over unpaid maintenance, they just told Exh to pay up immediately.

[LoveisnotallIneed]

Oh I see Kate! So I shouldn't block him from my phone then... incase it looks like I'm the bad one.

[katemiddletonsothermum]

Oh, you also need to "keep the door open" for all lines of communication with your ex. So if he says "she never lets me see my son because she won't answer the phone, then always answer the phone. So don't block him, don't cancel the arrangements, support your son and eventually you will be able to go to SS/court to have it officially recognised that your ex's relationship with his son is not beneficial, but damaging, and they will block contact for you. Good luck.

[katemiddletonsothermum]

God, yes, - NEVER put yourself in the position where he can blame you. Hard as it will be, you have to work hard to always be the good guy and the exemplary parent. Believe me, this will help in the long run.

[LoveisnotallIneed]

Thanks for explaining Kate..but his not the type to go to court. Nor does he have the brain capacity. However, the social worker has advised that I should indeed cut contact. Don't know what to do really.

[Sapele]

I agree with the others, but also, you may well find that a bloke like this is all about his rights, and if someone (you) tries to stop him having them, then he will get motivated to fight - but if you allow it and never mention anything about it to him, ignore what he is doing, carry on as usual as well as you can - but be available, so you're not actually reacting or preventing him having access, then he is less likely to fight and more likely just to keep making excuses or even stop contacting you altogether, which I have to say would be preferable in this instance for your poor son (I think)

I have a similar one. My son is now 12 and only sees him when he takes him to see his granny. It works better that way as his dad has a reason to show up (bollocking from granny if he doesn't) and ds knows what to expect, even though it's only about 3 or 4 times a year.
Ds actually asked me to stop the monthly visits as it was getting ridiculous the amount of times he didn't make it.

Good luck. You sound like you have a good attitude and your son will know you love him whatever his crappy father does.

[LoveisnotallIneed]

But he does have an Immigration court type thingy for his renewal....

To think of it...I think the reason why he attended all his supervised visits was so that the social worker could document his visitation with his son to give to immigration as proof that he does have regular contact with him.

It's all making sense now.