Did I deserve this massive aggressive reaction from dP?

[Dalilhama]

Just finished a 12 hour shift last night and got home at 8.30pm. I'd just found out I'd had a huge pay increase at work (and had actually been paid) so to celebrate I got a bottle of wine for dp and I to share.

Now when I got in he's obviously in a mood but not letting on. He then says that his kids (18 and 20 year old men) were not coming for access visit this week. Now other times I might have commented that he shouldn't expect them to continue with regimented access EVERY weekend at their ages but to not rock the boat, I said nothing.

He then went on to say that his ex's elderly dad was in hospital and they (the ex and the kids) were going to the hospital but as he (dp) had got there late, they'd got a taxi.

The way he worded this made it sound like he had planned to give them a lift there. Not entirely unreasonable apart from the ex drives! so I simply said "why, were you giving them a lift or something?".

Well he went mental. Shouted "fucking hell!" At me, continuously shouted and swore at me, told me I was a fucking joke ... Anyway i told him I couldn't be arsed with all that tonight and left him to it and went to watch a film. Half hour later I went back in, all nicey nicey, went to hug him and said "come on, let's not argue. I've got a big pay packet this week and a bottle of wine, come in the living room with me". He replied "no! It's too late!! I'm far too angry with you, I'm fucking livid!!" We went on to say that he intended for us to argue all night (who really talks like that??) and would not make up, didn't give a shit about the money and that he works hard and I dont ??. At this point I'd had enough so told him I was sick of the way he flies off the handle at every little thing and drags stuff on all the time. I said I didn't want to be in a relationship where things were so volatile that a simple question blew up into world war 3.
He said "let's split up then".
First sensible thing he'd said all night. Now this "let's split up then" is another one of his argument favourites only I'm taking him up on it this time. I can't live like this.
But I'm curious. Did I really deserve that huge reaction to asking if he was giving his ex and adult kids a lift?
Even if I was in the wrong, did it REALLY need a huge blow up that was scheduled to last all night??

[weaselwords]

No of course not. My vote is on guilty conscience.

[exLtEveDallas]

No. He's a twat.

[NorksAreMessy]

No you didn't.
He is an arse.
But 'lets split up' sounds like what he is trying to tell you.
Might be a good idea.

[PegsPigs]

Sounds like he was spoiling for a fight from before you got home. Also sounds like it's a regular thing. If you want that to change, what change are you going to make?

[FatalFemme]

No of course you didn't deserve it, and it sounds like you're well rid. What a dick.

[Emochild]

Anyone that schedules arguments is an utter arse

My ex liked the 'lets split up' line

Agreeing with him was the best thing I ever did!

And no -you didn't deserve it but you know that already

[DoreenLethal]

Why are you living like this?

Take him up on the suggestion and spend the weekend sorting out yours or his alternative accommodation.

[CantAffordtoLive]

No. From your account I would say you didnt deserve it.

If this is commonplace behaviour I am amazed your relationship has lasted this long.

So. What is the next step? Who gets to move out?

[MatchsticksForMyEyes]

Of course you weren't in the wrong. You don't need this in a relationship. He clearly has massive anger issues. Whose house is it? Either pack his bags or leave yourself.

[InimitableJeeves]

I'm curious too, did he ever say what was so offensive about that question?

Great that you're taking him up on the splitting up invitation, I suspect he wasn't expecting that.

[Dalilhama]

Thanks guys. I've lived with this eggshell carpet for so long I doubt myself constantly when it blows up. He was spoiling for a fight, his eldest kid had ignored his messages all week and I could tell by the tone of the texts yesterday that he was descending into arsehole mode. I constantly get it in the neck regarding this ridiculous access weekend thing, his kids are too old for it, most of the time they don't want to come so he takes it out on me.
I totally agree with him about splitting up, I've been toying with it for months anyway.

[lighteningirl]

He doesn't know how to handle his emotions so whatever he's feeling in this case (guilt regret fear) all come out as anger. You absolutely need to call his bluff if that's what it is and say ok we split up then. My beloved adored dh was like this at beginning of our relationship I felt like I was treading on ice never knowing what would set him off eventually I said fine it's over pack.your bags I'll help. It was like lancing a boil and now we try to get to the bottom of what's wrong and he knows I am not and won't ever be a whipping boy for his juvenile inability to function in the adult world.

[PingpongDingDong]

No, of course you didn't. He has another agenda, I've no idea what it is but he was clearly spooling for a fight. He sounds dreadful.

[ValancyJane]

Er, no, you didn't deserve it at all. Wonder if his sons had criticised him for not giving them a lift to the hospital or something and your question wound him up? (Still unacceptable though!!)

I hope you enjoyed your bottle of wine, and sounds like the pay increase couldn't have come at a more useful time. Good luck with the next steps - for what it's worth, if this is everyday behaviour it sounds like you're making the right choice!

[AskBasil]

No.

LTB.

You don't have to live like that.

[PingpongDingDong]

Spoiling obviously!

[anotherbloomingusername]

Sounds like you'll have much more fun with that pay increase on your own! Congrats on that, and good luck with the split!

[TheWitTank]

TWAT. He was spoiling for a scrap and would have picked on any comment you made to have one. The splitting up line is controlling -he wants you to panic and aplogise. Please do give him what he asked for. You deserve better. Congrats on the pay rise, go and enjoy it on your own

[Dalilhama]

It's his house so I'll be moving. I've enquired about two houses, just need to arrange viewings.

The thing is we were meant to be going out tonight, it was a 'date night' that he knew I was really looking forward to. So half of me knew he'd start an argument just before it as that's what he likes to do. Maximum impact to upset someone just before an event they were looking forward to. However I'm not upset, I've just changed my 'date' ?? my lovely best friend is coming out with me instead. He certainly won't be expecting that !

[BIWI]

I misread your title as 'passive aggressive' and wondered why on earth you thought anything about that was passive!

It was massively aggressive and also massively unfair and uncalled for.

I think, from the sound of it, this is the last straw, don't you? What's your next move?

[TheWitTank]

Hooray! Good for you. Enjoy your night with your friend and good luck on the property hunt. Honestly, he is a dickhead. You sound familiar, did you post about his obsession with his sons coming over before?

[ginslinger]

Bin him - have a great night with your friend. Under no circumstances let this arsehole back into your life - you are worth much more than that