to get annoyed about this?(28 Posts)
I cant tell if this is something I should just see as a mild irritant or if I am ok if feeling actually a bit fucked off about it.
DH and I have two dcs (11mo and 3.9). He works FT mon-fri (TA so no long days, school hols off etc). I work four days a week (shiftwork inc weekends).
When I work a late I leave the housr at 2pm and get back 11.30pm. In between that time DH picks up the dcs from the CM, brings them home, bathes them gives them supper (cereal, they eat tea with CM)and puts them to bed. They are both always asleep for 7pm. He makes himself some dinner then relaxes/tv/plays on phone til bedtime.
Without fail every time I get home from a Late his dinner things are on the side, the toys are still out on the floor, dds preschool uniform discarded on the couch, the dining table is covered in changebag, his work bag and jacket and pocket crap. The towels used to dry the kids post bath are on the floor or the armchair.
And because he is up and about the next day and off to work and im again on another late I end up dealing with it.
When I leave for a Late ive spent a not insignificant amount of time in the mornings dong laundry, dishes, bed making etc. I cant not touch the stuff he discards as (1) I need it for the kids that day (2) I end up sat in the mess.
I dont even think he has taken the bottles out of ds' changebag that he had at the CMs today and I cant start riffling round to get them as the bag is in DSs room. Ideallytheyd have been washed tonight along with his dinner plate, the dcs cereal bowls and the two mugs that have accumulated over the evening.
Every Late I come back to this and feel cross. Every morning I remember how brilliant he is in literally every other aspect of parenting/living with someone. I mean he is a brilliant guy.
I probably just need to pull him up on this and tell him I expect to come home to a house that was equally as tidy as when I left it.
If he is that brilliant, then have a conversation.
We're in a situation now where my DH (semi-retired) cleans the house - a job I did previously for years while he was out working. Now I'm out working and he cleans.
He's SHIT at it. But he thinks he's doing the best he can do. Sounds like your OH is the same, so you have two choices - you live with it (and, btw, acknowledge and thank him for what he HAS done) or you talk about what he's not doing and ask him if it's fair that you have to do them late at night.
If he's brilliant, he'll get it!
I will sit and talk to him tomorrow.
He is a procrastinator, its what it comes down to. So he will think "ill do it later" amd then doesnt
It just feels like groundhog day waking to the same shit every morning (I dont do it when I get in, I need an hour to wind down/shower/read etc).
I agree have the conversation, but I do not agree that you should thank him for looking after his own children!
Definitely time for a conversation! You should be coming home to a tidy house, dishes done.
If he is great he will get it. Speak to him, don't thank him. But also don't talk down his job with the 'short days school hols off' to back yourself up. If he works full time his days can't be that short.
It doesn't matter how many hours he works he should be doing his fair share.
Sorry I only added that info about our hours for clarity - I imagined if I didnt put that info in Id have been asked "well, does he do long days/long commute" etc.
I dont thank him for doing the usual stuff as he does the same stuff as me and I dont expect a thanks, its just part and parcel of running a house/being a parent.
I do thank him/compliment him generally on how great he is and I do aknowledge (to him) how much our little team is 50/50 and how happy I am about that. But he is the same with me.
Acknowledging is good. Definitley. I do get that, it's something we should all do.
I see about the hours being relevant to the thread.
I think it depends what time the kids go to the cm when you're on a late. If you have a few hours child free then I can see his point that he's at work followed by sorting the dc and you might have a few hours to yourself. If not then yes you should both be picking up after yourselves and the children on your watch.
I drop DD at Preschool at half twelve and drop DS at the CMs on my way to work so about 1.50/1.55. Sometimes I go to CMs earlier if DS needs his afternoon nap at say 1 (and then he would sleep right through the time we need to leave) - put him down for a nap at CMs and I stay for a cuppa then go to work a little earlier.
On my Lates im up at seven, DH leaves at half seven, and on the go pretty much til 11.30pm when I get home. I do get a bit of time midmornong as DS has a nap 9-10, so I grab breakfast then but usually am still doing something with DD at the same time unless she is engrossed in an activity/cartoon.
But the things he isn't doing would not take very long to do at all - they're just all over the place so annoying.
penny I'm a bit of a procrastinator I'd tell him that it's leaving you feeling really stressed.
Frankly I would be waking him up to come and help sort it out. Every single time until he gets the message that you don't have tidying up fairies.
My (our??) Rule here is yoy clean up your own mess. Therefore we both unpack dirty beakers, tidy up wet towels, clear the table and tidy up toys, coats, mugs etc.
If they are on top of the dishwasher that is fine, and we tend to bulk stack it. But I can't be doing with crap everywhere.
And I don't consider that housework, just basic courtesy.
You are right and he needs to clean up after himself in general, but it is hard doing a day's work then having the kids and doing bedtime. I'm a very tidy person but even I "clock off" once they are sleep and leave a mess because I just have to destress and have some me time.
I expect to come home to a house that was equally as tidy as when I left it. I think that's quite a major expectation and a lot of pressure to put on someone who is working and looking after 2 small dc that day. As I say I'm tidy, but I wouldn't be impressed if DP said that to me.
I think it's reasonable to explain to him the extra work he's dumping on you and while you recognise he needs a break, could he spend 20 mins doing X Y and Z and just basically clearing up so you don't have to do that late at night, which isn't fair on you.
Bosk I do get that handling two small dcs and doing a full shift at work is hard - because I do it myself. My situation is that I do 7 hours of managing the kids before I got and do an 8.5 hr shift.
Downtime isnt something I would ever begrudge him. Ever. I know how necessaryit is. But if he goes to bed at ten (conservative estimate), thats still three hours to feed himself and thats it. Clearing up after himself is all I am asking.
YANBU just a little bit unrealistic. If be knackered after your oh's day tbh. I often leave things in the evening I just get too tired! 3 hours really isn't long if you've been on the go all day. I know you do a lot too but I think if you explain things to him (without nagging if poss) maybe he will understand and get better at the clean up
I feel your pain. In the days when I worked 9-5 and DC were out of the house at school/CM while I was at work, I had the luxury of being able to give the house a once-over before I left for work and know it would be in the same state when I returned. I'm now on a shift pattern and the DC are in the house when I'm at work. It is a constant battle to keep the house in order. DP is wonderful - he cooks far more than I do, does more than his fair share of washing up and laundry, but he's not very tidy. I never have to pick up dirty washing/plates etc after him or DC (who have been trained to put laundry in the basket), but there is just stuff left lying around all over the place and dog hair/crumbs all over the carpet. It's not that bad TBH, but as someone who's very tidy, there are days when I find it just too much. A clean and tidy home is not about other people coming over and judging, it's about home being a pleasant place to be - a peaceful sanctuary, not one that feels disordered.
Don't have any solutions though other than train your DC to put toys away etc and tell DP that clearing up after the bath etc is as much part of the task as the actual bathing. You wouldn't change a baby's nappy and leave the shit-filled one out on the side would you!
Conversation followed by not allowing him to do it. Wake him up and say oh we need to do x, x, x and x before tomorrow. In the morning, to start the day we need to do blah blah blah, I shall do x can you fill their bottles?
I can see no reason why he can't do some basic picking up and cleaning. Even the he doesn't have a particularly hard time.
Have you said something yet? I'm in a similar situation to you and my dh was like this when I first started until I said something and I kept drumming it in. As far as I am concerned, when I am at work, I am him and he is me so it's a role reversal. You are not there to unpack bags and tidy up dishes so he should be doing it for sure
But someone has to,do the tidying up. The Op's partner has three hours of "downtime". The Op has 1 hour of "sort of downtime" whilst the baby naps (but she still has the older one).
It's a bit obvious to me who should do the tidying up.
We have a rule in our house that no one sits down post kids going to bed until the kitchen is cleaned up. This came about when dd was about 9 months old and a terrible terrible sleeper. Especially in the evenings. I would get downstairs at 11pm after 4 hours sitting in the dark trying to get her to sleep and discover dh watching telly and the kitchen in a mess. And have to start tidying up. I truly hated him in those days. I tried hinting. I tried asking nicely. Nothing. I tried screaming at him that I hated him and he was the most disgusting thing to ever walk this planet (note dd was not sleeping for more than 30 minutes at a time at night either so I was beyond irrational as I was also doing all the nights) and that I was only with him because I didn't have the energy to leave him.
If we are both home of an evening we both do chores etc while our dinner is cooking (or one cooks and the other does chores), then after dinner we both relax. I think when Im not here he just does the dinner part and thats it.
Weve not had a chance to speak this morning as he left at 7.30, and me and the kids woke at seven. Im going to have a chat tonight.
We have an Estate Agent coming today to value the house (planning on listing it), so theres added pressure to get things looking good, which I dont think he remembered about.
I am terrible at talking myself into a bad mood though which doesnt help . Everythig of his im moving is met with a "he could have put this away" , "forgot where the laundry basket is?"
I think I just need to unclench haha.
I do agree he needs to clean up, he needs to do more and it's not OK for stuff to be left for you to do.
I actually have a partner who is naturally very lazy and messy and I have spent years banging on in a feminist manner and insisting he do his share to the point where he is now very good at it and things are fair, so I'm generally in agreement with you.
BUT I think "expecting to come home to a house that was equally as tidy as when I left it" is a bit much to ask. He should clear up and have things ready for the next day, but he shouldn't be under pressure to have a perfectly tidy home ready every night. I do think if a woman posted on here that her DH had said that to her, when she also worked, he would get short shrift on here.
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