BIL has almost assaulted DP in front of 5YO DSD. We need advice

(101 Posts)
yorkshirepuddingacademy Sat 05-Sep-15 16:52:32

Hi all we live next door to DP's brother and his GF. DP's brother is 10 years older than DP and they have never gotten on well. Their dad died when they were all young (DP wasn't even born) and he passed most of his assets (including a large amount of land) on to BIL who was 10 at the time.

He has incessantly bullied his mother and DP for years now, he has always known that he has some sort of control over them due to what he has inherited and has used this as a stick to beat them both with. He will pick fights with DP for little or no reason at all and already has a criminal record for GBH against DP which he got around 7 years ago.

We have always tried to keep ourselves to ourselves and keep out of their way but it's proving difficult. They're doing everything they can to make life difficult, whether it's moving wheelie bins to almost inaccessible places or making it difficult for DP to run his business (which is at home, BIL also has a business but it is not based here. He just lives here)

Anyway I have been at work today and came back and was told the tale of an altercation between DP and his brother. BIL was waiting outside our house for DP to come in with DSD for his dinner. BIL started shouting his mouth off about a ratchet strap that DP had used and supposedly frayed whilst using it (DP says IT was frayed already and that BIL had bought it second hand) BIL says that he had bought these £20 second hand straps to move equipment worth thousands of pounds and that they are now unusable due to DP allegedly fraying them. DP told him to calm down and said he would buy him some new ones but told him he was stupid to use straps to move such expensive equipment. DSD was witness to all of this. BIL then started to square up to DP and told DSD to move away from him. She refused and clung on to DP, BIL then forcibly removed DSD from DP and put her through the door in our kitchen.

This made DP see red and they grabbed each other by the scruff of the neck and started shoving each ther around. When DP came back in the house DSD had wet herself, she is not in habit of doing this and must've been so scared and upset. DP them said to his brother "do you feel like a big man now? Frightening a 5 YO so much that she wets herself" to which he replied "I couldn't give a shit about her."

I'm so mad I feel sick. I knew he was a piece of work but to put a 5 YO child through that is just horrendous. She hasn't been herself all afternoon. What do we do?? Is there anything we can do officially? We've started logging everything that happens. He's just making it so difficult for us all. Himself and his GF have both openly admitted that they don't like children but I never thought he'd stoop as low as he has done.

We can't move because DPs business is here, it really isn't an option and why the hell should we? We're trying to make the best of everything

Penfold007 Sat 05-Sep-15 16:57:13

Report to the police and get advice on an injunction or similar. You need to protect your DSD.

yorkshirepuddingacademy Sat 05-Sep-15 16:59:45

Brill they give us an injunction? We're going to discuss more when the kids are in bed. Something official has to be done and the kids are our priority. I just need to know what we CAN do

ChristineDePisan Sat 05-Sep-15 17:06:44

report to the police and get yourself some proper legal advice.

And in the long term work make a plan to move away: this isn't' going to get any better, is it? I know you shouldn't have to, and it will be a big upheaval etc, but there is no way that I would live in that sort of toxic environment for a day longer than I had to

19lottie82 Sat 05-Sep-15 17:07:50

To be honest I don't think your DP sounds innocent in this situation. They both sound as bad as each other! From what you have written your BIL didn't "almost assault him", they had a fight! Your DP is equally to blame for upsetting his DD. he should have had the common sense to walk away.

I can't see how an injunction could be applied here tbh.

Keep your distance, and if your DP can't control himself, then look into moving.

Bullshitbingo Sat 05-Sep-15 17:08:01

Short answer - screw the business. You are living next to a violent person who has shown they are willing to assault your family and have no regard for your child, it's a recipe for tragedy, especially if there's an emotive family history.

Get away, get free. You can always get new jobs, change business. What do you do if he really hurts one of you?

AgentZigzag Sat 05-Sep-15 17:12:00

Your poor little DSD. I would say you should just keep on reassuring her that BIL was very wrong to do what he did and that you're not going to let him near her again, and then cut your BIL off. That might involve you overruling your DH and telling him you're not putting up with it any more, he might not be able to do it himself if he's had this all his life.

It's all very well if you can get an injunction and involve the police, but he lives right next door to you you'll be prisoners in your own home.

How have you managed to live so close to such a man, and for so long? It must be walking on eggshells all the time, that can't be good for you.

Can you really not move? I can kind of understand why you might think 'why the fuck should we be the ones to go when it's him being a wanker', but for the sake of your sanity, just go!

Rarity08 Sat 05-Sep-15 17:12:18

Poor dsd, she must have been so scared. I agree with pp about getting proper legal advice.

19lottie82 Sat 05-Sep-15 17:15:23

If your DSD was so scared, why did your DP continue physically fighting with his DB, which obviously caused her the majority of the upset, rather than taking her inside and removing them both from the situation?

19lottie82 Sat 05-Sep-15 17:16:31

You posted "he (your DP) saw red and they started to push each other around"..... To me that suggests he lost it and shoved his DB first?

AgentZigzag Sat 05-Sep-15 17:18:17

'To be honest I don't think your DP sounds innocent in this situation.'

I wondered how much the OPs DP was to blame as well lottie, but really he was protecting his 5 YO from a man who he knows is a violent bully. The alternative would have been that he stood by and let him manhandle his daughter without lifting a finger.

That's not something I would do, would you? Your child being dragged off your leg by a man they're obviously frightened by?

AgentZigzag Sat 05-Sep-15 17:21:31

X-posts with you lottie, I'd fucking see red if someone was treating my 5 YO like that in front of me too. The BIL doesn't sound like the kind of man who'd respond to rational calm discussion when he's going off on one.

OP's DP had a split second to decide whether he should respond, and he chose to.

AuntyMag10 Sat 05-Sep-15 17:21:36

Your poor dsd! She must have been terrified to wet herself. Disgusting piece of work your Bilangry

Why is your dp even borrowing stuff from them if you both really want as little to do with them?

Spartans Sat 05-Sep-15 17:21:40

You need to move. Is the short answer.

Not sure there is much you can do about this instance though. As you put it, your dp saw red (understandably) and they got hold of eachother.

Your dp wasn't almost assaulted, they both were fighting.

Notimefortossers Sat 05-Sep-15 17:22:24

How did you end up living next door to him when they've never got on? And what is your DP's business that it can't be moved? You can't make them move and my main concern would be getting your kids as far away from this prick as possible. Even if you did get an injunction, which you probably won't, that little girl will be frightened every time she bumps into him which is inevitable.

I also think that at the moment your DSD was forcibly removed from your DP he should have walked in and shut the door. Not engaged in the scuffle.

19lottie82 Sat 05-Sep-15 17:22:58

He could have removed himself and his daughter from the situation. Surely that would have been the sensible thing to do?

If the OP calls the police the brother could say, OPs DB was getting aggressive so I picked the child up and put her in the house. Then, as I expected, he flew for me.

Unless I picked this up wrong it does sound like DP started the actual physical fight, which is all the police will be interested in.

RJnomaaaaaargh Sat 05-Sep-15 17:23:01

No I disagree he was not protecting his child. Your dp fuelled things by giving unwanted criticism. He didn't think about the child. When his child was removed his first instinct should have been to see she was ok and not to start grappling with his brother. The sibling rivalry with them is irrelevant. He put his own issues in front of making sure his small child was okay, exposed her to further violence she didn't need to witness because he couldn't keep his temper, and frankly does sound just as bad as the brother.

Poor little girl.

Spartans Sat 05-Sep-15 17:23:31

agent I would see red too, but I wouldn't then claim to be assaulted. I would have gotten into a fight. That's why I am not sure the police or asking for an injunction is the right parh at the moment.

MsJamieFraser Sat 05-Sep-15 17:24:53

Does the BIL own the house/land you are using?

why was he at your house?

you need an injunction, your DP does not sound innocent in this, however it appears the BIL came around red headed and willing to antagonise the situation further.

However YABU to allow this to continue, you both know you're BIL dislikes children so why are you both allowing this man into your lives.

19lottie82 Sat 05-Sep-15 17:24:58

Could your DSD see her dad and uncle fighting in the garden? I think it seems likely that the DSD wet herself from the fight of the two men fighting rather than being picked up and put in the house?

DoreenLethal Sat 05-Sep-15 17:25:06

I really can't see how on earth you ended up living next door to this man.

AuntyMag10 Sat 05-Sep-15 17:25:49

Are they allowed to live in close to each other given the criminal record?

Scobberlotcher Sat 05-Sep-15 17:26:53

I can understand the whole 'why should we have to' thing, it doesn't seem fair if you feel you are not the guilty party but really, what matters more? Staying put because you 'shouldn't have to' and having a crappy life because of it, or saying you know what, screw this, I want a happy peaceful life and THAT is what matters here, and leaving.

I don't know what sort of business it is that means it is run from your home but cannot be run from any other home you may have at any point or in any way other than you living in your current home, but I'm guessing farm or something, but there is always a way. There isn't always a way that gives you everything you want with no downside, struggle or sacrifice because, well, life is quite shit really and choices almost always involve nobody getting exactly what they want. But you have to pick and I know if it was me, I'd pick a quiet life, free from aggression and trouble, even if that meant relocating a business or hell, even selling and starting again elsewhere if I felt the risk to me and my family was real and significant!

SoupDragon Sat 05-Sep-15 17:28:15

Does your DP have sole custody of his DD? If she were mine and this happened when she was with her father, I would be very reluctant to let her go there again. You might want to preempt anything your DSD might tell her mother by telling her yourselves.

Scarydinosaurs Sat 05-Sep-15 17:28:41

I seriously think you should move.

You'd be happier in the long run. This will just cause more and more problems.

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