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AIBU?

To think my ex is being a selfish bastard for wanting to see less of his kids now he has remarried

271 replies

Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 15:04

My ex was always very hands-on with the kids and when we split up I promised him he could see the kids whenever he wanted (I am prime carer as he has the career). For the past 4 years he has seen my boys every weekend - he has now moved away from the family home so I've always had them Mon-Fri then they go to his for the weekend, which also works for me as I have to work every Saturday in order to make ends meet. A few months ago he remarried and reassured the boys that nothing would change. They adore their father and look forward to seeing him on a Friday and get very upset if there is any change in this arrangement, which happens from time to time.

So far this has worked well, I work six days a week and have Sunday to recharge, get jobs done, see friends etc. Works for me, works for him, works for the boys.

However having the new wife has changed this and he now wants to formally change things so that the kids come back a day early every other Saturday so the boys will only have 24 hours with him instead of 48 and he gets a day of "grown-up time" with his wife (what so the other five days are not enough...?).

From a purely selfish point of view I'm gutted as this means I lose my "day off" from work and kids, which means so much to me, especially having a boy with special needs, and have been having some behavioural problems with the other one also. I get no break otherwise as family are not around to help. Also I think the boys will react really badly - the new wife arrives, they get pushed out...

I've told him that the boys are going to feel really hurt and rejected but he is determined to go through with the change and "manage" their anger and sadness. He also proposes lying to them by not telling them outright that things are changing but just every other week saying oh this week you are going to be with mummy on a Sunday.

I do understand though that he needs some time for himself and for his new relationship. Tell me, am I being unreasonable, or is he?

OP posts:
WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 04/09/2015 15:08

How old are boys?

How much work time do ex and new wife have?

What do boys/new wife generally think of each other?

SoThatwasSummer · 04/09/2015 15:10

how odd, you have the boys and no grown up time - for 5 days a week and he now wants to up your - no grown up time to 6 days a week so he can have 6 days of grown up time?


fuck. that.

Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 15:11

She works part-time, he works full-time, they all get on, my boys like her, one is at primary school, one at secondary.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/09/2015 15:12

Selfish bastard about sums it up really. :(

Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 15:12

I should add that she has a child but she is much younger than mine so would have an earlier bed-time, also she does see her father regularly so they do not have her all of the time. They are trying to time it so that they are kid-free every other sunday

OP posts:
Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 15:13

The kids are at primary school/secondary school I mean

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 04/09/2015 15:19

I don't actually think it's that U of them to work it so they get occasional adult time too, but he should be making up the time elsewhere. Could they collect the boys earlier or drop them off later in the "full" weekends? Or even do one half weekend in four?

KissingFish · 04/09/2015 15:19

So you want a kid and work free day and that's OK but it's not OK for him to want the same? Surely taking it in turns is the fair way. Sounds fair to me.

bimandbam · 04/09/2015 15:23

Wouldn't you.like a day with your dcs yourself? I have always had an eow arrangement with ex and although it was nice having grown up time one weekend it was even better having a full weekend with dd to do fun stuff together. Or even just a chill out weekend at home.

Eow with each parent and half the holidays each is a usual arrangement.

Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 15:34

I work in a school so I look after the kids in the holidays, so I feel I get plenty of time with them

OP posts:
Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 15:41

kissingFish I do agree with you, however I am a single parent and am stuck in the house with the kids every weekday evening and can't get out, he can come and go as he wants, go the gym, go out with friends, whatever. I can only do this on a Sunday.

OP posts:
zeezeek · 04/09/2015 15:44

Except he can't, really, can he. He and his new wife have another child in the house!

DoJo · 04/09/2015 15:45

However having the new wife has changed this and he now wants to formally change things so that the kids come back a day early every other Saturday so the boys will only have 24 hours with him instead of 48 and he gets a day of "grown-up time" with his wife (what so the other five days are not enough...?).

Has he actually told you that this has been instigated by his wife? Because that sounds like a really odd way to put it.

Duckdeamon · 04/09/2015 15:45

How often does he have them in the holidays?

Any scope for you to work 5 days a week instead of 6? Or for your ex to have the DC during the week sometimes?

Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 15:46

I never said it was instigated by his wife, but because his relationship status has now changed he, she, or both of them want to make some changes

OP posts:
Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 15:48

Duckdeamon - he can't have the kids in the week as he does not live near us, hence why he had the weekend custody.

I can't work 5 days I live in a fairly remote area and job opportunities are few. I currently work 2 jobs to try and get enough coming in.

OP posts:
Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 15:49

zeezeek - they have family who can babysit so they can do out together, or they could leave the house individually in an evening. I have no family nearby and no-one to have my kids so I can't get an adult time in an evening. Sunday is all I have.

OP posts:
WeirdCatLadySaysFuckOffJeffrey · 04/09/2015 15:51

You are being a bit unreasonable. Your post comes across as more annoyed about the loss of your 'kid-free' time, rather than the upset caused to the dc.

what your ex is asking for doesnt sound wholly unreasonable to me, sorry.

Could the dc go to his after school on Friday on the weekend when he wants sunday free? That would give them time with their dad and you would get a child free evening every fortnight.

Duckdeamon · 04/09/2015 15:51

Did he move away then, or you? Seems relevant: if you moved there's more onus on you to be flexible (or vice versa).

It sounds hard for you to not be able to go out at all because you have the DC and presumably can't afford childcare - is there any way to address that?

Does he pay fair maintenance?

Scarydinosaurs · 04/09/2015 15:52

It's shit. He's shit.

Ultimately, he will lose out, but it doesn't make your life any easier.

Anyway you can stop working Saturdays? If you work in a school could you pick up some extra work doing before or after school care?

Domoreofwhatmakesyouhappy · 04/09/2015 15:53

He moved away.

And no, I can't afford childcare ans my family live far away.

Yes he does pay maintenance and he is good with that, still, it is hard to make ends meet.

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 04/09/2015 15:53

*is there any way you can

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Duckdeamon · 04/09/2015 15:55

Friday eves would be good: if he is serious about his relationship with his DC and has a good employee he could, for example, finish early on Fridays to spend time with them.

Presume their plan is for the wife's young DC to be at their father's on the weekends your DC return to you on Saturday. most parents who live together don't get a weekend day often as "adult time".

I am

BarbarianMum · 04/09/2015 15:55

What would happen if you tell him "no, that doesn't suit me"?

Certainly don't let him make you the bad guy. Ask him when your day of "grown up" time happens?

DoJo · 04/09/2015 15:56

Sorry - misinterpreted what you wrote as the idea coming from her. Either way, I can sort of see both sides, in as much as this is incredibly poor timing on his part and thoughtless to make changes so soon after marrying, but it will make for a fairer distribution of weekend days off between you. Would you be entitled to an increase in maintenance as a result of this which could allow you to reduce your weekend hours?

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