AIBU/paranoid about BF's husband?

[ParanoidPanda]

Have name changed for this, for obvious reasons!

Not really sure where to post about it really so thought AIBU would be best for traffic purposes.

For about a year and a half now I have been having niggling suspicions about one of my closest friend's husband. They are both very old friends - the husband was at school with my husband and is his best friend, even though they live a long distance from us now.

We don't see each other that often but for the last few occasions when we have, the husband seems to find excuses to touch me, not in an over familiar or intimate way but just way more than he did previously - to the point that I have noticed it happening. Rather than saying excuse me to get past, for example, or to put a hand on my arm to move me aside, he'll stand behind me and put both hands on my waist and move me aside. He does it in front of my husband and his wife, it's not done secretly or anything, but it wouldn't really attract comment because we've all been friends for such a long time and are fairly familiar with each other. This just seems a bit more than usual though and it's making me feel a bit uncomfortable. I've also noticed that when we go out somewhere, for a meal or to the pub or something, or even just in a group in one of our houses, he'll usually manage to end up sitting next to me.

I'm sat writing all of this out and it seems really ridiculous now I've got it down on 'paper' but something just seems a little odd. My friend and her husband have been having problems for a little while so I don't know if it has something to do with that.

So, do you think I am being paranoid? What would you do? Should I say something to the husband, my friend, MY husband? I've been on the verge of saying something to DH all week, as we saw our friends fairly recently, but don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill if I'm just imagining things!

[WorraLiberty]

Maybe you're right and he does fancy you?

Either way, the 'moving you out of the way thing' would annoy the crap out of me.

Why not make a jokey but pointed comment every single time he does it?

That way, he's aware of his actions (if he's not already) and most importantly everyone else will be aware, which will hopefully embarrass him into stopping it?

Or maybe you're wrong and he doesn't fancy you. Either way, the jokey but pointed comments every time should hopefully stop him.

If it doesn't, just be honest and tell him you don't like it.

[skankingpiglet]

I'd talk it through with my husband, but it depends on your DH's personality and your relationship. Can you rely on him not to fly off the handle or do something rash?

[noiwontstoptalking]

I would tell my DH.

I would also pick him up on the moving thing - I hate when men do that, I'm not furniture! Just say excuse me.

[ParanoidPanda]

He's not the flying off the handle or rash type, so I could rely on him to not do either of those things. The reason I'm somewhat reluctant to talk to him about it is because he and the other husband have been close friends for decades and I don't want to alter that dynamic if I am just imagining things.

[noiwontstoptalking]

You aren't imagining things though are you? Why you you be?

On the off chance you are mistaken your DH can give his opinion on that.

[skankingpiglet]

I agree with noiwont , as your DH knows him so well he'll be able to see if there's a change in his friend's behaviour or put your mind at ease if he doesn't. If it's a yes you can formulate a plan together. If it's a no I'd be making a joke of it as a PP said, as it's still bloomin' annoying so needs to be tackled.

[Rainbunny]

Well first of all trust your instincts, you know the dynamic you've previously had with this man and it's changed even if it's subtle. If I was in your position, I would talk to my DH about it, not because I want or expect him to do anything, in fact I'd probably prefer he did nothing as it is. I'd just want him to know, in case anything "less subtle" happens down the road.

As for the touching you when he moves past you, I'd make a point of saying (in a friendly way) "Oh hey, just tell me to make space, you don't have to move me" hopefully saying that just once will stop him from doing that to you, otherwise repeat a version of this until he stops.

It may be nothing but really, but don't ignore your instincts. At least you are aware so you can subtly nip anything that might be happening in the bud.

[Truckingalong]

If you've picked up on it, then there's almost certainly something amiss - your instincts are there for a reason. I've been in the same situation on a number of occasions. I've taken as many different approaches as there have been instances, from hissing at the creep to fuck right off, to telling one particular boyfriend (which ended very badly), to simply avoiding the guy. What do you want to do? What do you think you'd feel comfortable enough to do?

[Whensmyturn]

I can't see the point in mentioning at all. He will get over it soon enough. You will just embarrass him needlessly if you make something of it. You'll also spoil your husbands friendship potentially. Just don't reciprocate.

[DisgraceToTheYChromosome]

Not. On.

But then I was brought up and live with the attitude that touching another person without an invitation gets you thumped.

[ParanoidPanda]

I don't know what I'm comfortable doing, that's the problem. I think if I mention it to my husband then it could really affect his relationship with his friend, which I'd hate to happen. If I mention it to my friend it could make a huge difference to their relationship, which is already a little rocky. I'm not sure what would happen if I mention it to just the husband. I'd like to talk to my husband about it, because I don't keep things from him, but am a little worried about doing so. It might all be nothing but as I've said, things seem to have changed in the last 1.5 years from how it's been over the previous 15-20 years.

Argghhhhhh! So confused!

[InimitableJeeves]

If OP draws attention in a joky way, it will make the point without causing embarrassment For instance, borrowing noIwont's point, "Hey, no need to push me out of the way, I'm not furniture" or, when he ends up next to her yet again, "We'd better swap places, you're always getting stuck with me".

[Fatmomma99]

I also think go with your instincts. Unless you are FUCKING GORGEOUS (which, btw, I'm sure you are!) if you think someone fancies you, they probably do. (I'm saying this as someone who is absolutely NOT fucking gorgeous, and they'd have to drop their trousers and wave their willy around before I thought "really... Is that appropriate????"

And the best way to defuse this is to say to your DH ".... d'ya'know... he keeps doing this, and I'm not comfortable with it. Do you think he might.... you know... fancy me?" and have a giggle about it.

I wouldn't raise with your BFF. It would be uncomfortable and horrid for her. But if you get a suitable opportunity, raise that you don't esp like/trust him.

Good luck! This one's a bit of a minefield, isn't it!

[Rainbunny]

Whensmyturn - I don't agree with keeping from her DH. It's really isn't much of anything right now, and OP's DH sounds like a reasonable person so I"m sure he can live the knowledge that his friend may have a little crush on his wife or just may be feeling really comfortable in her presence. On the other hand, by saying nothing the OP is now keeping a secret, in a way making of it than it is, and if something is making her feel slightly uncomfortable shouldn't she be able to share this with her OP?

The OP's DH may have noticed his friend's behaviour in any case, I'm not a jealous person by nature but I would notice if one of my girlfriends was putting her hands on my DH's waist to move him aside etc... OP's DH might be relieved to hear from his wife she she's noticed it as well.

[noiwontstoptalking]

When this man, someone who is meant to be a friend ,is making her uncomfortable in her own home.

Why would putting a stop to that be 'needlessly embarrassing him'?

If it's deliberate behaviour it doesn't matter whether he's embarrassed. If it's not a but if embarrassment might help put him on the straight and narrow.

She is uncomfortable with how he is touching her but she should 'just ignore it'?

Did we just fall down a wormhole back to 1971??

It's the OP's body, she is allowed to decide who touches her and how.

OP - please tell your DH, mention it to him casually if you like but make him aware you are uncomfortable - you don't have to put up with it.

[Annaliesey]

I would say trust your instincts too. I also think that if you have noticed it then possibly your DH has too.

I think if it were me I'd be asking DH if he had noticed anything recently and ask him for advice and support with this.

It's not you chatting with DH about this that risks ruining the friendship. It's the over familiarity of the bf husbands that risks the friendship :)

[goawayalready]

umm i wouldnt go with the whole i think he fancys me angle i would go with the he makes me feel like furniture being moved i think if you do that you stand a better chance of not upsetting the dynamic of the group and getting him to keep his hands to himself because he might think its reciprocated (if he fancys you) and if you deliberately ignore that part of it he will know your not interested however if you cause a fuss he can say your totally imagining it and you will seem so big headed

[ChilliAndMint]

He's got a crush on you and finding any excuse to touch you is a release for this sexual tension he feels. He might feel you like him too. I'd make a big joke about it with him. This might bring him back to reality, burst his bubble so to speak, sort of along the lines of; " what's with all the touchy feely stuff Mark, one woman not enough for you?"

[Rainbunny]

A guy fancying his friend's partner seems not uncommon. There's a guy in our circle of friends who has a serious crush on another friend's new girlfriend. I can understand why, she is incredibly attractive but the reason I'm sharing this is because our friend who has the crush has no idea that we are all very aware of it. His behaviour is really obvious, he is always too delighted to see her while the rest of us get a normal greeting and he stares at her all the time and angles to be near her at gatherings. He can't seem to help himself and he clearly isn't aware that he's being obvious. We all feel sorry for his fiance who has also noticed... not expecting this to end well tbh. My DH has teased him about it in a nice way to try and shake him out of it but he just denies it...

My point here is that I still think it's better for OP to share this behaviour with her DH now while it's not much of anything in case this friend starts becoming more obvious in his behaviour.

[amarmai]

he sounds so obvious that everyone has probably noticed. he is overstepping boundaries and if you don't say something he may go a step or 2 further if he follows you to a spot and gets you on your own. Right now you have witnesses , the next step you may not have a witness. Stop him asap.

[Cloppysow]

I'd be talking to him straight, not your husband or his wife.

I'd be saying "you're making me uncomfortable. Stop it".

[ParanoidPenguin]

Thanks for the replies. I think I will bring it up with my husband, in a casual sort of way, and see what he says. I'll also say something next time I see the husband - which might be a very long time now.

I can't think that he has got a crush on me - I'm certainly not anything special to look at and after 4 kids I'm not getting better looking as I age! Maybe it is just over familiarity but the dynamic has definitely changed so I do need to address it I think.