to feel I am wasting his childhood

[cjt110]

I have always been the OCD, must be tidy, clean, tasks done kind of person.

DS came along. I love him more than words can describe but I haven't recently found myself thinking, god I'm doing mindless shit X, Y, Z when I should be playing with him, watching tv with him, reading to him.

Our typical night. I get home at 515. I cook tea if DH hasn't. Tea is at 6. Tidy up after tea. Takes me to about 630. He then watches ITNG and I find myself making lunches for the following day or some other task.

Lately I have realised I should be putting all that stuff to the side and spending my time with him. He suddenly turned 1. well not suddenly obviously but it felt like it!

I find myself letting him play on his own whilst I busy myself with things.

How do you do it? Not put housework etc over your child. I feel awful that one day I'll turn around and have missed something, all because I was busy doing something else.

[ShadyMyLady]

You are not alone, I am the same.

I read threads on here about how often people play with their children, or see on Facebook families sitting down to a game of monopoly.

I don't have OCD, but I am very particular and things have to be in order and tidy. I cannot sit down after tea until the kitchen is spotless, which then means the DC are left to their own devices, then it's time for bath and bed.

I am making more of an effort with DC3 though, I sit and play trains or something with him. I always seem to be in a rush though to go and do some more tidying or cleaning.

My DC2 has Aspergers and is like a whirlwind, she cannot really be left alone as she destroys things. I struggle with that too as I feel like I am wasting time of I am just sitting watching her.

I also get stressed in the mornings as I cannot leave the house in chaos, it has to be neat and tidy before we go. School starts tomorrow and I'm going to try and relax on that front.

It's bloody hard though, I don't have any advice as I'm in the same boat.

[ShadyMyLady]

I didn't finish this sentence... I read threads on here about how often people play with their children, or see on Facebook families sitting down to a game of monopoly and it makes me feel so guilty and like I am a shit mother because I don't have 5 minutes for my kids.

[RachelZoe]

I grew up in a really messy and chaotic house and I really, really believe that a tidy and clean home is best for children, they learn to be clean and organized and that running a house is work, all this "messy house happy home" stuff is bollocks.


We are lucky enough to have some help now, but my first 3 childrens early years were like this, I played, they were happy, but their environment came first to me (obviously not over them overall but clean the kitchen vs 20 mins play, I picked the kitchen). Now they are 19 and 16 (twins) they are very organized, take good care of themselves and understand our house is a community as it were and it doesn't all magically fall into place and things have to be run.


Doing tasks and keeping a nice, clean, calm environment are things that are supposed to be done IMO.


We all have to miss things sometimes, because of menial day to day tasks, work, other commitments, obviously all our children are the most important things in our lives, but shit needs to get done too.


If you really feel like you have a problem and really do think you have actual problematic OCD, then seek some help via your GP, but if you're on the same page as me, I wouldn't feel too guilty about it. I realize my childhood clouds my view slightly but sacrificing some play time for a nice environment and an organized, productive life is fine in my eyes.

[Theycallmemellowjello]

Can you do tidying/next day prep after he goes to sleep? Or allocate a specific amount of playtime and not let yourself do other stuff until that is done?

[Tyrannosaurus]

I don't see anything wrong with what you are doing. All those things need to be done. If it is worrying you, maybe start playing with him for a few minutes when you first get home, but I think a lot of being a Mum is doing the dull stuff that needs to be done. Its all about balance.

[monkeymamma]

I think this is one of the hardest aspects of day to day parentdhood. If I'm doing housework I feel guilty I'm not playing with the dc and if I'm playing with them I feel bad for raising the pair of them in a shit tip :-)
My top tips are to give yourself a set time in which to get jobs done then devote the rest of the day/afternoon etc to them. Also you can get them to help you after a certain age (my 3yo loves tidying and putting the cushions on my bed 'just so'!) and that can be fun. Try to do days or afternoons out with them, chat to them all the time and make time in each day (once they are old enough!) to talk to them one to one, with no distractions. I love chatting to ds1 after his bedtime stories and just before he goes to sleep - you get the funniest and loveliest little confidences and questions :-)

[monkeymamma]

RachelZoe great post btw.

[MrsBalustradeLanyard]

I think you should stop beating yourself up. Your job is to be a mum, and run the house, cook meals, etc. Not just be a mum. I think that kids now are much less capable of entertaining themselves that when I was young, and that this sort of mothers guilt has contributed to that.

Give yourself a break.

[MrsTedCrilly]

My DS is 16 months so obviously there is stuff everywhere, and I know it's nice to have things in order! The house feels calmer.. which it sounds like you need this in order to relax, but by the time it's done he'll be in bed.
All I can say is try and forget about it until he naps/goes to bed, or do a little when he is busy eating. You will have time.. It doesn't all need doing straightaway.. Dirty plates and lunches can wait, they aren't going anywhere. When you look back you won't ever say "I wish I'd done more housework when he was little". Just sit with him and enter his little world where mess doesn't matter and he just wants to play with his mum It'll be lovely when he grows up and remembers you as the mum who he had fun with, not the one who cleaned the house all the time.

I'm typing this currently surrounded by the contents of both toy boxes and my handbag

[Gottagetmoving]

Of course you should spend time playing with your DS but it doesn't have to be all the time. So long as you put aside time that is just for him, you should be able to get on with other stuff while he amuses himself.
There are things you have to do, so just make sure you are not being too fussy about cleaning and tidying so much that there is not enough time for DS.
There should be time for both, surely? Can't you make next days lunches and do some tidying after he is asleep?

[cjt110]

ShadyMyLady I could have written your reply. I have to have the house tidy before bed and the same before leaving in a morning and fin sometimes I even stand back and survey to see if it's tidy as I kinda think I don't want my DH walking in on a bombsite - Its the last thing I would want to get in to.

RachelZoe No, I suppose not actual OCD but more like you - I need to have things done in a particular order.

My mum was very particular and I learnt this from her e.g. if you have your dinner, wash up, dry up and put away after yourself. It boggles my mind when I am at MILs and there's a pile of dishes sat waiting to be washed

I guess you are right in that it teaches organisation etc for him. I couldnt live in a messy home. It would drive me and dh bonkers. I suppose, filliping it on it's head, I had a happy childhood. I dont remember it being lonely or unhappy because my Mum is/was very house proud.

[Thurlow]

Things need to be done, yes. The house needs to be cleaned, the packed lunches need to be made.

However, if you're having tea at 6, and your DS is bed by 8, say, is there any reason why you can't do those tasks after he has gone to sleep? What are you doing later, between 8 and 10, for example?

I don't think kids need to be entertained all day at all, and they need to learn to amuse themselves. Sometimes they need to amuse themselves while you do tasks that need to be done.

But in what you describe above, I would ask why they can't be done after he is in bed?

[cjt110]

need doing straightaway.. Dirty plates and lunches can wait, they aren't going anywhere. When you look back you won't ever say "I wish I'd done more housework when he was little". This is what I worry about. I want to balance tidy with fun and love.

Last night, I got him out of his cot, fast asleep and lay on the sofa, him on my chest sparko, snoring away, tv off. It was beautiful.

[ArriettyMatilda]

I can see where you are coming from. Unfortunately for me I put off housework but instead of playing with dd I am usually on my phone. I feel awful about it but I just can't seem to change. So the house is a tip and gets a bit dirty and dd mostly plays alone. I find that what helps me the most is to just get out of the house. Every week we go to toddler groups, the park, the library, sometimes we go to soft play or local woods. I find I can forget about my phone and housework whilst we are out and although my attention is not totally on dd if there are other people to talk to at least she has some playmates.

Perhaps it may help to aim to spend ten minutes playing before getting on with something else. I would love your tips on routine for keeping on top of housework though.

[Apathyisthenewblah]

Ah cherish the cute sleepy moments! DD is 2 and they are getting few and far between.
Presumably your DH is with him if you are busy with house stuff. In our house one of us is often doing something while the other is with DD. I try to do the kitchen etc once she is in bed but it isn't always possible. Do you have fun with bath and stories when you do bedtime?

[3rdSymphony]

It has honestly never occurred to me to put housework ahead of my child. Work, because I'm passionate about it, frequently does come first, but I can't imagine being so invested in the state of the kitchen counters that I'd prioritise that over seeing my small child in the short period between getting home and him going to bed. Not to sound sanctimonious, but why does it matter so much?

We have a cleaner once a week, and other than DH and I doing cooking and laundry, I can't say I think about housework in between her visits...?

[cjt110]

Arrietty "but instead of playing with dd I am usually on my phone" Me too. Fucking phones. I hate them but love them too!

Unfortunately I work full time so playgroups etc isnt really do-able

And keeping on top of housework? We - DH and I - do a big through clean once a week - he hoovers, I dust and tidy. We then put clothes etc away that are on the maiden and try and do a wash as soon as one of our washing tubs is full (we have an ikea unit with 4 tubs in and Yes, they are labelled, whites, blacks/darks, pastels/lights and reds/pinks ) and put it on the maiden and it's usually dry by the next day.

I just tidy all the time as I go. I must tidy DS' toys at least 3 times a day.

[RachelZoe]

cjt110

It does teach them organization yes. It will come naturally to them this way, and as he gets older, you get some free help . My eldest is at uni now, you would never know it's a students room, he's helped his mates get organized etc. He gets shit done, because he can take care of himself and actually has more time as a result of keeping himself together.


I would also go bonkers, you're supposed to go bonkers in mess . Some university did a study not long ago about ethical behavior in different environments, we are much more likely to behave "properly" in a clean environment so there haha.


You carry on, you're doing great, your mum taught you well :)

[cjt110]

Apathyisthenewblah Our living room/kitchen/his bedroom is open plan. So although I say I am busy in the kitchen and he's in the lounge, he can see and hear me and often scoots over to me and then into his room or over to his Dad on the sofa. Oh we have a ball at bathtime and cuddles at bedtime.

3rdSymphony No idea why it matters so much. We dont have a cleaner though. Just us. And our open plan house. Which perhaps is why. I cant sit on the sofa, seeing the kitchen is a bomb sight and leave it be.

[JimmyGreavesMoustache]

I'm with RachelZoe.

I grew up in a poorly looked after house - your classic car on bricks in the front garden jobby, filthy carpet, stuff everywhere. I avoided having people over wherever I could. Once I was dropped off after a day out with friends, and a mate asked if he come in to use the phone. I was mortified. People seeing the outside was bad enough. Perhaps a better person wouldn't have been embarrassed, but I was.

My home is far from immaculate, but I like to make sure that it's cleanish, tidyish, and in ok condition so that my DC aren't embarrassed.

I was also never taught how to keep my things tidy and organised, and am keen to help my DC develop these skills.

[cjt110]

Thank you RachelZoe Perhaps I just need to learn to leave it be til he's in bed and spend that time with him instead.

[MrsBalustradeLanyard]

Sorry but I hate all that 'you'll never look back and wish you had done more housework' bollocks. Guilt tripping nonsense.

Yes it's good to play with your child. It's also good to get them playing then leave them to it for a while. They learn to amuse themselves, you get stuff done.

I'll never look back and think 'thank god I spent hours doing the same jigsaw over and over whilst living in a tip'.

[littlejohnnydory]

I think there's a middle way. I go for clean but don't fuss about tidy. And I do leave the dishes until dc are in bed. Our house is very lived in, full of toys and occasional piles of laundry but I do make sure it isn't dirty. Go out for a walk after tea if you can't stand looking at the dishes? That way you'll get some time with dc but not have to think about them til you get back.

[MrsTedCrilly]

That's lovely OP, sleepy cuddles are amazing Other posters are talking about how it's not good to live in a messy house and I agree, but there is a middle ground.. You can have your house ticking along smoothly without having to have it perfectly spotless at every moment. My house is clean but I am sat with Ds lots too. If he is eating, do a little job. If he is watching something, do laundry, if he's napping get lunches done. After tea leave washing up to soak while you sit with him, and you'll get it done in minutes once he's in bed. And still leave him to play on his own still as that's a great thing, learning how to amuse himself! But if you organise time a bit better you will have time to be with him

[RachelZoe]

Make it work for you OP, there is a balance to be had, but please don't feel guilty, there is no need to at all.



JimmyGreavesMoustache

your classic car on bricks in the front garden jobby, filthy carpet, stuff everywhere. I avoided having people over wherever I could. Once I was dropped off after a day out with friends, and a mate asked if he come in to use the phone. I was mortified. People seeing the outside was bad enough. Perhaps a better person wouldn't have been embarrassed, but I was.


Ah that takes me back! Shudders....


It was a caravan for us out the front, no wheels, and a boat . Grim. I just bought a new carpet cleaner yesterday, it's wonderful :)