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AIBU?

To ask you to decide for me

22 replies

KittyandTeal · 31/08/2015 19:15

We lost dd2 in jan to T18. I had a tfmr at 22+2 as her conditional was incompatible with life/lethal.

It has been the hardest road. I cannot describe the pain and emotion. I have been seeing a specialist counsellor and have dealt/ am dealing with my grief, anxiety about dd1 and a whole range of past issues. It's going well. I am starting to feel like I can live this new life and come to terms with things.

Dh and I always said we would try for another after dd2s due date. I was desperate to have another. Now, 4 cycles of trying (I'm aware it's not long at all) the desperation has gone. I have a wonderful dd1 who is 3.

I am wavering between thinking it would be fine if she grew up as an only, all the benefits that go with having one. I struggle with the baby stage anyway. I am terrified of being pregnant again. I've developed a fear of fetal medicine docs/midwives/hospitals etc (despite that face that my care throughout dd2 diagnosis and birth was absolutely faultless and wonderful).

However, I see pictures of friends with their newborns, read benign threads here about 'am I going into labour' etc and cry. I may never have that again. Even if I do have another, I won't have that. My pregnancy will be 9 months of worry and anxiety and god knows how I'll deal with a baby.

So, after that stupidly long post. I'm sick of going round in circles. AIBU to ask you guys to just decide for me so I can come to terms with the decision?

OP posts:

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KittyandTeal · 31/08/2015 19:16

And if IABU please hand me a grip. I'm boring even myself with this.

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londonrach · 31/08/2015 19:20

Kitty cant advise but wanted to give you a hug. You have been through alot in a short time. Give yourself, dd3 and dh some time. Sorry for dd2 and your pregnancy

laffymeal · 31/08/2015 19:20

Nobody else can possibly make the decision "for you", certainly not a bunch of randoms on the internet. Very sorry for your loss but this really isn't the right place for someone grieving and confused like you.

londonrach · 31/08/2015 19:20

Sorry thats dd1 xxxx

SaucyJack · 31/08/2015 19:23

So very, very sorry to hear about your daughter

Are you in the age range where you need to have a game plan for the near future?

CwtchesAndCuddles1 · 31/08/2015 19:25

Very sorry to hear what you have been through. Do you have to make a decision now, could you put everything on hold for a few months and then look at it again?

Stickerrocks · 31/08/2015 19:25

I can't imagine how difficult things have been for you. I have an only child & I found the 2-3 years after she was born tough, because my friends were all happily having their second child (& that was without any of the difficulties you have faced).

These days I'm a great believer in the phrase "You cannot change the wind, but you can adjust the sails". Your life is different to the one you wanted, because of your recent loss, so take careful stock and then you make the right decision for you and your family.

ImperialBlether · 31/08/2015 19:26

I'm so sorry you lost your baby.

Sometimes I think you have to protect yourself and just count yourself so lucky you have a healthy and happy child. So many people nowadays are having just one child. So many people would give anything to have a child. I had two children and was broody again and started to think "What if's..." knowing that my happiness could disappear overnight if something went wrong with another pregnancy. Some people will blindly go ahead anyway, but I stopped short, counted myself lucky and made sure I didn't get pregnant again.

Ironfistfunkymum · 31/08/2015 19:29

I just want to give you a hug hun I've had an emotional day and this was just too much. Wishing you love and good fortune

PS I was hoping this was about a pizza topping or some thing

angelopal · 31/08/2015 19:30

Sorry for your loss. I lost my first at 4 days old to an undetected heart defect. For us as we had no other dc we knew we had to try again. I wont lie it was scary and stressful but worth it in the end. We now have a healthy 18 month old. Did you get any support from SANDS. Their online forums were very helpful and supportive. The next pregnancy group really helped to keep me sane as we all had the same fears etc.

Only you can decide what is right for you. Take care

OwlinaTree · 31/08/2015 19:32

So sorry for your loss. Have you posted on the rainbow babies thread in conception? Lots of ladies there who will support you.

Maybe you are not quite ready yet, or your brain is protecting you from pain by distancing yourself from what is happening.

I suppose you need to think how might you feel in 10 years time if you didn't try for number 3?

Again, so sorry for your loss.

Osolea · 31/08/2015 19:33

How do you think you'd find it if you stopped 'trying' for a while, but didn't do anything to prevent it either. Maybe just take the pressure off for a while and see what happens.

How dies your DH feel, is he really keen to have a second?

Jw35 · 31/08/2015 19:34

Oh wow you've been through such a lot! if I could really decide for you I'd say 'go for it' but you need to feel sure it's what you want right now. Can you give it more time? You said you were trying, maybe the last 4 cycles have just made you more emotional. Why not just try to relax and if it happens it's meant to be? I really hope you have lots of real life support x

Welshmaenad · 31/08/2015 19:34

I am so sorry you lost your DD2. What a heartbreaking yet loving and brave decision you made for her.

You have been through so much, and do little time has passed, I don't think you need to make a 'permanent' decision right now.

I don't know how old you are or your fertility status but after 3 devastating mc' when did was small I had a copper coil put in and it was incredibly good for my mental health. After a year I took it out and was pregnant within 3 months. I sometimes wonder if my body was protecting my psyche by not conceiving again when I really wasn't ready.

take care of yourself lovely, whatever you decide.

purplepandas · 31/08/2015 19:34

I am so sorry about the loss of your DD. Pregnancy after loss is hard. I went on to have another DD after losing DD1. The pregnancy was hard but worth it of course. I agree with Angelopal re Sands support. I found it useful when DD1 died but also when pregnant again. It really helped talking to those who understood the level of stress and anxiety that I was feeling. I know that there is an angels and rainbows thread here too for support if you do choose to try again.

There are not right or wrong answers, you need to do what is in your heart. Wishing you gentle days.

AugustRose · 31/08/2015 19:45

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious DD, it must has veen very hard to make that decision.

We lost our 4th baby 6 years ago today and deciding whether or not to have another baby was incredibly hard, at first I said no as I had 3 others but then I started to obsess about it. We started trying after 9 months and we went on to have another DS safely but it was a hard pregnancy.

I think perhaps you need some time to think about it, if there is no urgency you could give yourself a break and concentrate on your DD1 for a while. Only you can decide if you can go through another pregnancy with all that involves and agree about Sands - it was invaluable to me and still is.

Wishing you gentle days whatever you decide.

KittyandTeal · 31/08/2015 19:53

Thank you all.

I know realistically I can ask a bunch of strangers to make this decision for me. I guess I'm looking for opinions really.

I am 34 this year which is young in terms of fertility, but I am at a much higher risk of another trisomy now. That risk rockets after 35 so I am on a bit of a time frame.

I am aware how lucky I am to have dd1. I know there are so many couples out there who would love just one. I feel I might be pushing my luck asking for a healthy third iyswim.

Dh is 50/50 about it. He's of the 'wait and see what happens' opinion which seems to be the best option. I guess I just want a decision that I can settle to if that makes sense.

I have been onto the rainbows thread, everyone is lovely but I feel a bit of a fraud as I'm not 100% desperate for another. We have had wonderful support from sands (dd2 was delivered in a sands suite and her ashes are in the sands garden) and also from arc.

I just feel like every cycle is another emotional blow. My counsellor has suggested 'sitting' with it and not making a decision right now, which I know is the best idea but it feels so uncomfortable on top of everything else.

I was swinging more to the no more side until I saw pictures of my friend in hospital (the same one I delivered in which may have added to it) with her beautiful newborn and I just felt bereft.

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Gatehouse77 · 31/08/2015 20:12

Sorry you've had to deal with such a loss. My sympathy and condolences to you and your family.

Ultimately, it is such a personal and private decision that I cannot offer any guidance.

Have you heard of Compassionate Friends? It's a charity run by bereaved parents for bereaved parents. They also have support for siblings too. I hope that you and your husband come to a peaceful decision.

KittyandTeal · 31/08/2015 20:14

I've not heard of them gatehouse. I'll look into that.

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Cookie500 · 31/08/2015 20:32

Hi Kitty

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wanted to reply as I lost a daughter to T18 as well, 10 years ago. She was my first child. I was absolutely desperate to conceive again, I've never known a feeling like it. I had another (healthy) child over a year later. And it was hard... I had a lot of issues with trauma and detaching myself from the pregnancy. The minute my second child was born I knew I'd never have another. More recently I've had counselling as I'd buried a lot of issues and it was coming back to haunt me, and now a decade on I feel I'm finally finding some peace.

I had the same issues to consider as you, the huge increase with risks as we get older, and how I'd deal with another child having T18.

All I wanted to say really was you're not alone in how you feel, I recognise your feelings so clearly. And I wanted to send you a virtual hug, as you sound like you just want some certainties when you're grieving and feeling so many different things all at once.

You know that nobody can make that choice for you or predict the future. Please be kind to yourself and give yourself time to grieve. I thought I'd dealt with it and it took years really. Only you will know if having another child will help that process or put the grieving on hold for a bit.

Wishing you lots of luck for the future, whatever you decide to do. There are no right answers xx

KittyandTeal · 31/08/2015 20:57

Thank you cookie. It's really interesting to hear from someone who has lost to T18 too.

I know grieving will never stop, it just changes. I'm glad to be having counselling and be dealing with stuff (I suffered abuse as a teenager, buried it for 18 years and it led to a breakdown, I'm determined I'm not doing that again!) I'm doing really well, in the sense of learning how to be kind to myself and let myself feel different emotions.

I have always felt I'd have 2 children. I'm beginning to think that maybe that's the case, ive had my 2 children.

You're right, having another may put grieving on hold, maybe that's part of what I'm scared of. It feels scary to think about coming back to all these feelings after a break iyswim.

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Junosmum · 31/08/2015 21:02

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

You know deep down that this is a decision only you can make.

We were in a position a few weeks ago where this could have described us. Fortunately all tests came back clear, though obviously a number of things could still be wrong.

When faced with the prospect of TFMR/ severely disabled/ incompatible with life child I decided there and then that would be it. That I would not put myself and my body through this again. I'm now 20 weeks pregnant and so far all is well. But I know this will be my only child. I can't go through this again. My husband doesn't agree, but I have told him very clearly.

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