to be cross with chronically late, attention/reassurance-seeking friend?

[MoleOfKingTyre]

Usually meet up with friend on my own. She's always late so I bring book to restaurant and wait. Don't mind as have young children at home and happy for peace and quiet. Met up with her plus my DH and DC for walking tour, lunch and theatre in another town 1 hour away. Her idea, but I bought theatre tickets. Plan was to have picnic lunch in between. Night before she rings (waking me up as I had fallen asleep) to say "I am bringing a packed lunch. Do you think that is selfish?" Non-plussed, I said no. Being sleepy, I did not gush "of course not", just sounded non-plussed (as we had agreed to bring packed lunches). She sounded put out that I hadn't spent a lot of time reassuring her, but I was too woozy to care, having just woken up. Next day, she arrives 20 minutes late. We had arrived 30 minutes early, as we set out the time she had said she would set up (9am). She rocks up at 10.50am. We have to run to venue for 11am start. Don't have time to listen to her excuses/apology (which would be in fact an invitation to tell her that we really don't mind!). She seems put out that her "grand entrance" has been ignored and we are more concerned about giving the kids a snack/going to the loo before 11am! Walking tour overruns, kids get hungry, but DH and I manage to distract them. After things are calm, she starts going on "Oh, I feel so terrible, the kids are so bored and hate this, and it was all my idea". I try to "shush" her discretely as I do not want to wind the kids up. She looks very put out at being shushed as this was obviously my opportunity to tell her that of course we don't mind and her needs come before the kids. At lunchtime - which is a quick chance to eat our packed lunch before the show begins - she announces that she has not brought any packed lunch and she will need to buy some sandwiches. I say this is fine and there are lots of sandwich shops close to where we are picnicking. She ignores these and goes on a ten minute trek to buy some rank sandwiches in a petrol station. Then proceeds to eat these sulkily, enviously eyeing our nice picnic. I am busy feeding kids and taking them to the nearest loos (the museum). We are packing up and she announces "I shall have to go to the toilets at the theatre". I say "Why not use the museum loos, they are just over there". She says "Oh, I couldn't use the museum loos". So we queue up in the packed theatre for the four ladies loos with her, and then wait outside. When we are seated she wants to sit in the aisle seat (that I have booked in case the kids need the loo during the performance). I ask her to sit down where she is (not on the aisle) as we are trying to get everyone seated and there is a queue of people behind us. She does not come out during the interval and "hogs" the aisle seat saying that she will have to leave during the performance as "they have brought the soundcheck forward to 6.30pm" for her concert (1.5-2 hours away). Realistically, she will be lucky to make the 7.30pm performance start. I spent £200 on the theatre tickets for us all and hoped it would be a special occasion rather than something she just dropped into. I don't think I'll bother arranging a day out with her again. AIBU?

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

no yanbu just let her make any arrangements in future, if of course there is a future.

[LetsSplashMummy]

It is too stressful to have flaky people around small children and strict start times, like theatres, it doesn't work. I would keep the friendship in familiar territory, just the two of you, meals which she can be late for. I would prefer to meet her in a group, with at least one on time person, but that is because I would hate the waiting on my own.

I think (if you do care) you will have to say something to stop her projecting that you just don't like her. You can just say it was too much stress on your part and you prefer seeing her in casual, grown up mode not hyper-organised mummy mode. Don't be gushing, just practical, it doesn't sound like anyone enjoyed it so you shouldn't be drawn into saying it was great and no problem.

[CrapBag]

Nope YANBU. She wanted this to be all about her which sounds like a common occurance?

Don't bother again, she spoiled it with her behaviour. People who are always late get on my tits. They could be at an airport for their flights or get to work regularly on time. It always smacks of 'my time is more important and you shall wait until I see fit to arrive'.

[KanyeWestPresidentForLife]

YABU. 20 minutes late is not outside the realms of reasonableness. You didn't have to arrive 30 minutes early and that also gave you plenty of time to sort the kids out.

I also think you treated her appallingly, bossing her about, telling her where to get her lunch and go to the toilet and sit. Tutting at her for buying sandwiches instead of bringing a packed lunch like you are a teacher. You must have made her feel like an unwanted spare part. I'm not surprised she wanted to nip off early. She probably wanted to avoid being made to feel a nuisance again.

[ohmyeyebettymartin]

I used to have a friend who was ALWAYS late.

When she eventually turned up she would always be in a foul mood.

We are no longer friends.

[Chottie]

She sounds a nightmare!

I hope your DCs enjoyed what was meant to be a special outing for them. You are very patient, I would have flipped big time.

[OurBlanche]

Text and then block/ignore:

Many thanks for ruining yet another day out. I hope you enjoyed yourself this one last time.

I hate people who act like that. Rude, selfish pillocks.

[MoleOfKingTyre]

I think my friend would have enjoyed herself a lot more if DH and I had only spent some time telling her that "of course we don't mind! You are such a fantastic friend that we and our children will put up with any inconvenience to spend time with you!"

I think if we'd only done that then she wouldn't have minded all the over-running/having to leave early stuff.

It's almost as if she would have enjoyed things "going wrong" and having a load of reassurance that we didn't mind being inconvenienced more than she would have enjoyed a day where everyone turned up at the right time with the right stuff.

Funny that.

[MoleOfKingTyre]

And the kids had a great time. It was the first time they have seen a "big" musical.

[maddening]

A little bit of both - why not say you'll get a picnic spot and she can grab her food and meet you there. If you have seats booked why did you all queue for the loos why not say you'll meet her at you seats - she could have explained that she really wanted the aisle seat as she had to slink out before the end due to a change in her work hours.

And agree with pp that the early arrival was not her fault and once she was late you could have just arranged to meet her at the walking tour spot and made sure your dc were sorted and snacked prior.

You don't sound like you like her at all?

[Pseudo341]

Is she single and childfree? She just sounds rather clueless about managing children on a day out to me. The whole thing sounds like a nice day out for your family that she was sort of tagging along too, odd that she suggested it. Personally if it's only one extra I would have included her in the picnic. I wouldn't be attempting any more family day trips with her though.

[maddening]

And the "I feel terrible all my fault" stuff could be because you made it such a drama and she did feel terrible?

[MoleOfKingTyre]

She doesn't know her way around the town we were going to, and we do, so we were not able to meet up at the venue, but had to wait around.

I used to like her, but I think the "do you think I am being selfish for bringing a packed lunch?" phone call, followed by not bringing a packed lunch and the promise to leave at 9am, followed by not leaving until 9.50am has made the scales fall from my eyes somewhat. She does just seem to be doing it for attention.

Kind of "Do you think this is selfish?",."Er no". "Okay, how about this?". Just looking for what buttons to press.

[MoleOfKingTyre]

The "I feel terrible and it's all my fault" stuff started the day before when she announced she would be bringing a packed lunch (as opposed to what?). When I said I didn't mind, she then proceeded to not bring a packed lunch.

It's stuff like that, coupled with the lateness, etc, and need for reassurance, that makes me feel that she is doing it for attention.

If we were really that much of a nightmare family she'd be turning up early with a packed lunch and trying not to upset us, rather than doing the opposite of what was agreed and then fishing for reassurance in the guise of "I feel so terrible that your children are so upset" (when they weren't - they had been minorly perturbed asking when lunchtime was, but had been distracted by that stage).

[Theycallmemellowjello]

I think I agree with PPs who say that she actually doesn't seem to have done all that much wrong. The late night phone call is annoying, as is being 20 mins late - but not the end of the world. The rest of it just sounds fine - why do you care whether or not she packed sandwiches or not? And I agree that the toilet thing makes you sound a bit controlling. It sounds like there might be a personality clash. Just avoid her if you don't enjoy her company.

[MoleOfKingTyre]

She is single and child-free. She suggested the day out, but we know the town where we were going to so ended up looking after her.

As far as I knew she was bringing her own packed lunch - and had made the announcement in a very dramatic phone-call, seeking reassurance that it was not "selfish" - so I had no reason to make an extra sandwich.

If she had phoned up saying "please make me a sandwich, I can't be arsed", I would have made her a sandwich. But she didn't.

[Theycallmemellowjello]

When she asked if she would be selfish to bring a packed lunch, I'd presume she meant would it be ok for her to bring food just for her, rather than a contribution to a communal picnic. Which is a reasonable thing to ask, given that your family would presumably be sharing food. When you said it was fine, she relaxed as she knew she wouldn't be letting you down by not bringing food.

[emotionsecho]

I don't think you are being unreasonable on the lateness and general drama llama stuff, but you've known her a long time and have had ample opportunity to pull her up on this beforehand.

I do think you are being unreasonable and if I'm honest am a bit over the picnic lunch. You know her, so I'm a bit confused as to why you didn't just say you'd sort out the picnic lunch, if she still insisted she would bring her own say, fine, but still make extra as you know how disorganised and flaky she is. You are obviously the organised one so I can't understand why you didn't cover the likelihood of her turning up empty handed. I couldn't have eaten my picnic lunch in front of her without offering to share, that just seems rather rude and petty.

[MoleOfKingTyre]

Maybe that was what the "packed lunch" stuff was all about. Who knows.

Another odd thing was that while we were having our picnic, she asked DH and I whether she was being wrong for asking one of her business partners to send her back some papers that she needed to file a tax return. Apparently without these papers she couldn't pay her tax bill and had no money. She had written an email on her phone chasing the person and was asking us if she should send it or not. It was as if she was angling for us to say "yes, of course you must send it" but she didn't want to take responsibility for he actions. She wanted DH and I to be the "bad" people who told her to send the (obviously essential) email, and take the blame for her actions. Maybe that was another piece of the jigsaw that made me think she was being somewhat manipulative, angling for the right reaction from us, rather than straightforward.

I can't remember what we said now. Perhaps we changed the subject. Perhaps we became distracted by DH.

I do wonder if, without our input, she sent the email or if she will end up being done for tax evasion. Or maybe she found someone else to make the decision/take the blame.

[Chillyegg]

Er you sound like you don't like her very much and self centered quite frankly.
Why do you care if she went to a garage. ? Her being late is a wee bit annoying but why be early when you know your mates always late? I'm confused by your post. Don't invite her out again if you don't like her. Do both your selves favour

[MoleOfKingTyre]

I don't know whether it would have been "rude and petty" to have eaten my packed lunch in front of someone who hadn't brought one (their own choice). Lunchtime was late due to the walking tour overrunning and the children were getting hungry/restless, so I had to feed them.

I couldn't give her my children's sandwiches. DH is diabetic so needs to eat regularly and I didn't feel like giving her my sandwiches, tbh, as I was quite hungry by this point too.

Ultimately, if she didn't want to bring a packed lunch, that's up to her. I don't see why it should inconvenience everyone else or put people on a guilt trip for not feeding her when she has known the arrangements well in advance.

I paid for her theatre ticket, which was not cheap, I didn't feel I had to cater for the event as well. The trip was her idea. I think she just wanted us to show her where things were, rather than our company.

She could have offered to make a picnic if she was concerned about sharing, after all.

[MoleOfKingTyre]

We were "early" because it was agreed that we would both set out at 9am. We arrived early and waited because we logically thought that she would turn up at the same time (10ish) even if the time we had to leave the car park for the venue (10.30am) was half an hour later.

I wouldn't have wanted her waiting around on her own for half an hour, hence we waited for her. We expected her to have arrived by 10.30, given that we still had to walk across town to the venue from the car park.

[Theycallmemellowjello]

Well, only you can judge the tone, but honestly, discussing an email like that and whether or not to send it seems to me like a completely normal part of friendship. Honestly, from what you've written on the thread, I don't see anything manipulative in her behaviour - but accept that when you know someone you can pick up on subtle things. But equally, if she was worried about a very important email to do with what sounds like a stressful situation it doesn't sound great that you maybe ignored her! I don't think it sounds like either side is getting much out of this friendship.

[KanyeWestPresidentForLife]

She asked you for an opinion. You are adults. You could either have said what you've just said and told her she'd be done for tax evasion or just said you couldn't advise. She was talking to you about stuff. That's what friend's do.

TBH from your account I don't think you need to worry, because she won't go out with you again.

I think she probably rang you to query about the lunch because she wanted to make sure she wouldn't fall foul of your fussiness. You shushed her, you treated her a nuisance, you demanded she leave home at a certain time, you told her which toilets she should use, you told her where to sit, you wanted to dictate where she bought her lunch and are sniping about her buying sandwiches instead (which is no big deal). You treated her like a naughty annoying child. And your further posts just descend into nastiness.

I think you are lucky she lasted as long as she did. She probably wanted the aisle seat incase she had to make a run for it!

[KanyeWestPresidentForLife]

It's not her fault the walking tour overran! And FFS, she didn't ask you for a sandwich, she went and bought one!