AIBU to be annoyed that my friend has cancelled plans

[mrskrabbapel]

Best friend and I had plans to celebrate graduation together a couple of days ago but she cancelled last min as she was "too tired". EVeryone else (our other friends) made the effort but she didnt want to despite making a huge deal out of it beforehand.

We are uni students and share a house together which we move out of on Sunday. I have done the lions share of work re moving out: cancelled all bills, spoken with EA and LL etc. She has physically moved her things out so I am alone in the place now stressing about what jobs are left to be done. I feel like her mum, asking her to come back to the place to clean and help me make final bill arrangements.

Despite the fact im now moving back home halfway across the country she said we can see each other over the next few weeks by travelling to each others houses (one in north of england, one in south). I have plans, I have a life! These past few days were perfect for me to see her but she has made other plans with family and her other half.

AIB to be really annoyed and more than a bit upset? She has not said thanks or apologised for any of the efforts I have made. And she seems to be expecting me to fit in with her plans without considering whether I have any

[sooperdooper]

Yanbu to be annoyed she's not wanting to spend time with you but you don't have to travel anywhere if you don't want to, just be honest and say it wouldve suited you to meet up before you leave but it's not convenient in a few weeks

[DoreenLethal]

Didn't you post about this earlier today or yesterday?

[mrskrabbapel]

Doreen yes I did but changed a lot of significant info/left out details as I was worried I would be recognised

ANyway these are the actual facts so would appreciate it if you could ignore my previous post! Promise this is the last one...

[DoreenLethal]

What more do you want to know? Yes you are being unreasonable/no you are not being unreasonable. Why not just spend your remaining time packing and moving your stuff and forget about the angst.

Go do your plans - go have your life and forget about her. She is gone.

[fairyfeatures]

Sounds like she could have something else going on to me. Possibly pregnant. In my early stages, I was far too tired to do anything ever... And reserved my right to tell anyone.

[QuiteLikely5]

Hun you just aren't her priority right now. She is taking you for granted. If you want to stop that send a polite text:

Hi xxx, I've sorted all the bills, the cleaning etc only xxx is left to do, since I done the others can you do the rest. Thanks X

[mrskrabbapel]

Ok thanks everyone, just a bit upset as I am her closest friend - really shit that she just doesnt seem to care

Fairy no shes definitely not pregnant. Shes 21 and just left uni, she would have told me if she was I think

Ah i could cry, need to man up

[girlywhirly]

I would be more annoyed that she dumped all the moving out and cleaning jobs on you than not celebrating graduation.

Some friends of mine had a housemate simply move out without any warning and leaving no contact details, not even to the landlord, who asked the two remaining if they knew where he was. They said they would take his returned deposit and give it to him when he got in touch. They removed a proportion of the deposit for themselves as they had to clean and redecorate the room for the next sharer, as it was in such a state.

How about getting a cleaner in and asking for the bill to be sent to her. I think that is more than fair as she has left you with all the rest of the jobs.

[mrskrabbapel]

She is coming over to clean tomorrow. But it is more the principle of the matter... I feel like had it not been for me cancelling bills and organising things with the LL then nothing would have been done

Im really annoyed with her for not even thanking me, I mean ok shes doing (her share of) the cleaning but everything else has been left to me. It doesnt sound like a lot but it has taken up time. Any if I hadnt done it noone would have

[gamerchick]

When it's all over you need to move on. It's pretty obvious she's not intending on remaining close friends with you. As upsetting as that is life is too short to spend emotional over someone who doesn't deserve you.

[mrskrabbapel]

Yeah I know gamerchick. She keeps going on about seeing me over the next few weeks though and wants us to go travelling together

I dont want to throw my toys out of the pram and say no, but I just feel like its not all about her or what she wants! This week was great for me to see her and she just hasnt made an effort.

What/how should I say this to her when the issue does come up. I think she does want to see me but just on her own terms I guess

[laffymeal]

Maybe focusing on the people who DO care about you and appreciate you rather than getting upset about her lack of interest would help?

I've spent too many years pining for people who don't give me the recognition and appreciation I deserve and taking the ones who DO for granted.

You're worth more than that.

[gamerchick]

Just be vague, don't make firm plans and leave the ball in her court to do any running. Carry on your life as normal as if you aren't going to see her and if you happen to be free when she's available then fine.

That way you're not left waiting and feeling crushed when she cancels.

Or you can give it one more try as you seem quite attached to her but have it firm in your head that this is the last time you're going to tolerate her being flaky.

[SealSong]

If you have been good friends so far then I would suggest talking about your feelings with your friend before you abandon the friendship. She may not have realised.

[Fatmomma99]

I don't mean this to come across as patronising, and sorry if it does, but I also think until you've done all that shit of cancelling DDs and informing LA and contacting utilities, etc you don't realize what a faff and PITA it is. I'm assuming therefore that she just doesn't realize what it is she's left you to do and hence not appreciating what you've done.

[mrskrabbapel]

Fatmomma, not at all!

ive tried explaining it to her - not to make her feel bad but just to try and explain why i feel a bit tired of house stuff - and she really doesnt get it. It's been really tiring actually, ive had problems with the landlord over moving out and she didnt even think to inform him that we were vacating (legally we dont need to but come on, he needs to know)!!!!!

I just feel like Im doing everything while she stands back and has fun. But someone has to do it!

[babybat]

I had this when I was living in a shared house - if you're the organised one who deals with the bills/LL then sometimes housemates don't realise how much work you've put in and how it seems to you like they're taking advantage. There's really no point in throwing your toys out of the pram, just do what you can, let her know what she needs to do if there's anything left, and move on. Next time around, make a big list and delegate it. If she keeps asking about meeting up, just be honest and say you're busy and the travelling isn't convenient for you.

[jorahmormont]

I turned down a lot of plans 'mysteriously' in the early stages of pregnancy due to sheer exhaustion. I was 19 and at uni so it definitely doesn't rule out the theory that your friend is pregnant OP.

[pinkdelight]

Ah, I wondered from your earlier thread if you were young and work meant uni. These things happen, to everyone - shared house/moving resentments, end of era expectations leading to sense of letdown, intense friendships fizzling. YA still being U to obsess over it, esp to the point of posting again. She doesn't sound worth the mental energy you're giving it. Let go of the details (what she said beforehand, the tiredness etc), see her when you both want to and look forward to the next phase of your lives...

[girlywhirly]

If she can't take responsibility for helping with the bills and stuff, she will be a nightmare to go travelling with. She will expect you to do all the arrangements, bookings, fact-finding and so on. Don't do it.

[Reubs15]

I did all the cancelling bills etc when I left a uni house share and it didn't take long tbh. Someone has to do it and I would rather do it myself and ensure it's done properly. She's coming to clean her stuff so that's sorted.
Something else is probably going on. She doesn't have to tell you about it if she doesn't want to just because you're her "best friend".
You're both going to be busy with the next chapter in your lives so just focus on that rather than having negative feelings towards things which are, in the grand scheme of things, unimportant.

[YouTheCat]

She sounds a bit selfish.

Don't commit to going travelling with her - you will end up pissed off and probably out of pocket.

Get the moving stuff over and done with and then leave any further arrangements to her. If she can't be bothered that tells you all you need to know about this friendship.

[Wearyheadedlady]

i agree she sounds selfish, but also immature. There's not a lot you can do unfortunately, if she can't see this or doesn't care enough to understand.

I would put her in the gray zone for friends who have behaved badly, and concentrate more on the reliable ones.