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AIBU?

To end pregnancy without telling dh?

176 replies

Breathingisnthelping · 28/08/2015 10:34

We are in our 40s with one dc. I was horrified when I found I was pg but dh was delighted. We are very likely to soon have no income and I will have no chance of getting another job when I am obviously pg. there are long waiting lists for childcare where we live so I don't see how I can get another job till second child starts school when I will be almost 50 ( can't ask a prospective employer to hold the job for up to a year whilst you organise childcare!)i am scared another child will just lead to us being poor for the rest of our lives. And frankly, I just think we are already too tired and chasing our own arses and behind on everything all the time already, and won't cope with another kid ( we have no family help).
But dh says he doesn't disagree with me but he can't be unhappy about another little one. So I am scared to have child but scared of lifelong guilt if dc is ever lonely and of depriving dh of a child he wants.
I feel trapped and panicked and hopeless and just can't see any light at all.

OP posts:
MyLovelyFriend2015 · 28/08/2015 10:37

Having a child so your dc is not lonely is not the best reason to have one.

I dont know what help is available for counselling etc, but unless DH is abusive and forcing you to have this child, would this be something you can do together? do you have any family support, do you have a Dm/DS you can talk to?

What is changing in your life which means you will have no income? are you in the UK?

I would personally advise against aborting without your DH knowledge as things like this can end up biting you in the behind....

Whatever you decide, i hope it works out for you Flowers

ShallHeBeTheOne · 28/08/2015 10:37

You can do what you like with your own body. Good luck x

SniffsAndSneezes · 28/08/2015 10:39

How would that work then? Would you just have an abortion and tell your DH you've MC? That seems rather cruel.

JohnCusacksWife · 28/08/2015 10:39

I fully appreciate that this must be a scary position to find yourself in and I do sympathise but I can't see how it can possibly be right to go through with an abortion without telling your husband. I assume you'd lie to him and tell him you had a miscarriage but you'd have to live with that lie for the rest of your life. Along with the risk that he might someday find out and feel utterly betrayed. This could end your marriage.

BestZebbie · 28/08/2015 10:41

Wrt to waiting lists for childcare - what do you do for your current child? You could also look around nurseries/childminders etc when pregnant and book yourselves in for whatever start date suited if that date was still months or years away - even if lots of other babies have to go first on the list, you wouldn't have such an urgent start date as most of them if they are already born.

GooodMythicalMorning · 28/08/2015 10:43

I would tell your dh what you want to do. I'd be absolutely gutted if I found out someone had done that to me. (Kept it secret)

LoveChickens · 28/08/2015 10:44

You can't do that.

BrandNewAndImproved · 28/08/2015 10:44

It's your body and your life. There's absolutely no reason to feel only child guilt. I completely empathise with your reasons. I've had a termination for a year I felt guilty if I ever thought about it and now I feel relief. It's your body and your decision.

If your husband already knows then it will be trickier with lies ect, can you not be honest with him and get it sorted asap.

SaucyJack · 28/08/2015 10:46

I don't think you should lie because if your DH is a decent man, you shouldn't have to lie. He should (hopefully!) respect that ultimately it's your body and your decision.

AlexandraOrlov · 28/08/2015 10:46

I say this from a very pro-choice position, but this is a decision for both of you and you cannot terminate a pregnancy, that he wants to continue, behind his back. Most marriages would not survive that sort of deceit.

It sounds like your circumstances are very difficult and your reasons for considering a termination are valid, and I hope you get to whatever the right choice is for you, together. Could you go to a counselling session at a clinic together so you can talk it through with someone to guide you?

Flowers

dontrunwithscissors · 28/08/2015 10:49

I agree entirely that it's ultimately your body and your choice, although you sound a little unsure yourself. How far along are you? I'm sure I've read of people who can offer some support and counselling on whether a termination is right for you. Perhaps someone else will know more.

I think that if you do decide to have a termination, you need to let your Dh work. I'm sure it will be very difficult to deal with a situation where you want different things, but I also believe that such a big 'lie' could destroy a marriage.

dontrunwithscissors · 28/08/2015 10:50

Sorry, that should have read 'let your DH know.

StanSmithsChin · 28/08/2015 10:50

The choice to have the child or not is always yours. However to not tell your DH what that choice is, is wrong. It is not a secret you should keep and it isn't something you should lie about. That alone could destroy your marriage.
You have to be honest with him but do not let guilt play apart in this. He also needs to be supportive of your choice.

Secondtimeround75 · 28/08/2015 10:51

It would be better If ye could make a decision together.

Reubs15 · 28/08/2015 10:53

Yes it's your body but it's not just your baby. It's your husbands too (I assume). If you feel abortion is the only way you need to discuss it with him, you can't kill his child and lie about it. I assume you'll say you had a miscarriage which is really really low. The guilt of hiding something like that from your husband will cripple you and lies always come out in the end.
If you're in the UK go to CAB and discuss options about your finances.
You have to put yourself in his shoes and think how you would feel if it was the other way around.
If you do go ahead with the termination you need to book in for counselling for both of you, probably separately to start with.

Osolea · 28/08/2015 10:53

Of course you'd be unreasonable to do it without telling your DH. Massively so.

Of course, the ultimate decision is up to you, but you have no valid reason to hide it and lie to your DH.

Mermaidhair · 28/08/2015 10:55

I'm all for women doing as they please with their own bodies. But I'm sorry I think it would be wrong to abort without your dh knowledge. He knows about the baby and is happy. You should have a deep talk with him.

Breathingisnthelping · 28/08/2015 10:57

I know it is a brutal thing to even think of doing. I can't imagine living with either decision though.
My lovely, dh has lost his job and there are hardly any opportunities in his field. He is thinking of setting up a business but this is long term project and will mean he works all hours. I am about to lose my job.
I could try that best, but to give you an idea of the situation here a friend waied for a year for a nursery place and was only able to go to work two days as that is all the nursery could offer. I ended up going back to my job after 16 months as it took that long to get a place, and I had to change the days I'd agreed. You can negotiate more easily on things like this with an existing employer than a new one who has other candidates they can turn to instead.

OP posts:
Itsmine · 28/08/2015 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thurlow · 28/08/2015 11:01

I agree that it would be wrong to terminate without telling your DH. It is your body and your choice, in the end, whether to continue with the pregnancy or not. Fwiw, in your situation I would be considering a termination too. Sometimes you have to think about the whole family, and the DC you already have.

However, this is still your DH's child and if you have a decent marriage, lying to him and telling him that you had a mc would be very much the wrong thing to do.

If nothing else, it is a difficult and emotional procedure to go through and it would be almost impossible to hide that from your partner.

If you do want to consider termination, there is a pregnancy choices board where people can help if you want to go there, or you can read other threads where people have made similar decisions.

Breathingisnthelping · 28/08/2015 11:01

Yes I know it is wrong to lie. He will never agree to a termination though. So if I tell him the result will be I either have a child against my wishes or have him know that I ended the pg against his.

OP posts:
ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 28/08/2015 11:02

You can't do that. yes it's your body etc but it's also his child and he is your husband so deserved to be notified of your wishes.

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 28/08/2015 11:06

As far as I'm concerned, it is your body and ultimately your choice. The fact your husband knows and is happy is obviously complicating things. I don't think you can hide a termination from him, but you have to be honest, explain exactly why you don't want to carry on this pregnancy, an accpet if he cannot support you e.g in coming to the clinic.

This forum isn't the best place for this type of advice - there is a 'pregnancy choices' forum around somewhere. Best of luck, hope you can make a decision that's right for yourself.

Fairenuff · 28/08/2015 11:09

I think you should tell him. He will be upset the final decision is yours.

hibbleddible · 28/08/2015 11:11

Lying to your dh isn't fair, especially the over something as important as this.

All the issues you have talked about aren't insurmountable. It sounds like you are making excuses as to why you don't want this child, which is fine, but what is the real reason?

I would put the baby down for nursery now, and also start looking for jobs at the same time. If there is a small gap between nursery place and work I would look at a family member moving in and helping, or a nanny.

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