To feel fucking angry and helpless

[Discopanda]

Posting for support because I can't physically talk to my friends and family about what's going on. My 30 year old big brother has been diagnosed with leukemia. Apparently it's the 'best kind of cancer' to get because it's a very easily treatable kind but he has absolutely none of the risk factors, never smoked, healthy diet, active job, rarely drinks and he's relatively young. I'm so angry about how unfair and nonsensical it is. My DP has tried to reassure me by saying that it's treatable but my big brother has been hooked up to a dialysis-type machine and had bone marrow taken from his spine and it just doesn't make sense why he's got this disease. He's only told me, our sister and his in-laws because our nan has just had a mini-stroke and he hasn't been speaking to our mum much recently. I don't feel like I can talk to my friends about it because I'm still trying to process it myself. When he was bullied at school, I stood up for him. When his first love dumped him, we could look after him. What the fuck are we supposed to do when our brother has to go through painful treatments and is miles away from us?!

[Andro]

YANBU at all! Cancer of any kind is a vile, evil, unfair illness.

All you can do is support him as much as possible (phone/Skype/visit)...it sucks. I hope your brother responds well to treatment.

[WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant]

Just be there as much as you can for him.
Try to be thankful that he is young, fit and strong. These all help him.

[Discopanda]

Thank you, it's just so unfair; nobody should get cancer, let alone a young dad who's just started a job that he loves. It's shit, there's no other word for it, just shit.

[WyrdByrd]

That really sucks and it does seem horribly unfair.

I think all you can do is support him as best you can and try and stay positive.

FWIW, my nephew's wife was diagnosed with leukaemia in her early twenties. Not only is she now fully recovered, they are expecting their first baby in a few months time.

Finger's crossed for an equally happy ending for your brother .

[Fluffyears]

His prognosis is good though snd he is young and follows a fairly healthy lifestyle so he can fight this. Cancer is an arsehole it really is. for you.

[springydaffs]

Calm down! Yes it's shit - the treatment more than anything - but it's treatable and he's in with a good chance. It could be a lot worse, believe me. Shit happens and it's his turn. Don't dive off the deep end.

I say this with a bald head and mouth ulcers. Its shit but you deal with it, grateful for modern medicine (even tho it's brutal). Don't make a drama out of a crisis.

What's the deal between him and your mum? Why can't you talk to people about it?

[Discopanda]

Even though he's in the middle, he's always seemed more like the youngest and we've always looked after him. It's tough not being able to take the blows for him, if that makes sense? Our mum is a little bit wrapped up in herself and I'm finding it hard to emotionally process, hence me posting on here instead of calling my bestie. to everyone, especially to you, springydaffs, it gets better, right?!

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

It is shit, and I am sorry. However, cancer doesn't discriminate. I've seen my aunt pass away from it in her 40s, despite quitting smoking years ago. My great aunt, who had always been fit and healthy in her 60 odd years. A 13 and a 16 year old, who hadn't had the chance to make unhealthy choices. Not all the people mentioned passed away by the way! Catching it early, with a good prognosis, means you can be positive!

The most important thing is, don't feel guilty. This is no one's fault. You cannot help things out of your control - keeping that in mind helped me through some tough years.

[springydaffs]

Not so far, no . it's all shit and gets more shit. But that's how it is and you deal with it.

I'd be horrified to have someone like you around, flapping all over the joint. It's bad enough without all that. How is your brother with your headless chicken approach?

[Discopanda]

I'm not doing the flapping around him, we're doing a calm and collected act when, quite frankly, both myself and my sister are climbing the walls because we can't physically help, hence me posting on here. We're trying to give the emotional support, it's just awful and horrible that we can't actually make it better. What if he needs a bone marrow transplant but neither of us are suitable?

[springydaffs]

Is he 4?

Bcs otherwise I don't get the wanting to take the blows for him, no. I understand aching for him, yes, bcs you love him. But he's an adult male. I don't think infantilising him like this helps if I'm honest. He's going to need a LOT of inner strength to get through the treatment, at least. He doesn't need you treating him like a hospital patient . You need to lighten up about this.

I still don't get why your mother doesn't know, though. If she's a toxic sort then that's understandable (but only if she's a toxic sort for certain).

[WyrdByrd]

How far away is he from you and your sister?

I think you need to keep up the calm and collected 'act' and I' sure that will become more manageable once the shock is over and the situation is out in the open.

There really is nothing worse than having to deal with other people's emotions when you are in need of support yourself.

I've just had this situation with my mum (over a completely different situation). The twice I've seen her since it occurred I've really wanted her to just give me a hug and let me get it out of my system but she's so wrapped up in her own feelings I've had to shut mine off and it's really frustrating.

[VenusRising]

Why can't you talk about it? Are your friends so horrible they won't listen? I don't understand the dynamic of not telling family members... Who are you oprotecting, and why?

Of course it's a shock, but it's not unfair, mutating cells don't care who you are, they aren't personally assigned to someone. Shit happens.

I think you need to talk with a professional. Your brother is lucky that treatment exists. He won't have cancer all his life and maybe this is a wake up call for all of you to ask for what you need, and stop pussyfooting around each other.

Good luck to all.

[BestZebbie]

As well as other things to support him, you could send him some of these cards:
info.emilymcdowell.com/empathy-cards-for-serious-illness/

[Discopanda]

My mum now knows, she went to visit him and apparently had a go at him for not calling her enough. Mother dearest has still found a way to make it all about her- I thought this would be a wake-up call because she isn't speaking to my nan (her mother), my sister is upset with her and we lost our great uncle the same day our brother told us about the cancer, I've even told her how ill our nan is but she still doesn't seem to care. He's being discharged tomorrow, he had to have another round of apherasis but things are starting to look up.

[Skiptonlass]

It sounds odd to say that leukaemia is one of the 'better cancers' to get, but it's actually true. Depends which type it is of course, but if they've told you that I'd imagine it's one of the ones with a really good prognosis. Treatment for some types is over 95% effective these days.

He's young, he's strong, he's fit. That's good too. The treatment can be rough but the odds are that he will get through this.

I notice you say he has none of the risk factors. It's true that age, smoking, drinking etc are major risk factors for many cancer types, but not so much for leukaemia. They do often affect younger patients. Nothing he did will have caused this, it's just the luck of the draw, unfortunately.

Hope you're doing ok as well, springy