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AIBU?

to wish my friend would prioritise me

26 replies

snowpigeongrey · 27/08/2015 21:14

My friend has just come back from a few weeks away with her BF and parents/siblings. She arrived the day before a big celebratory work event/award ceremony to which most people bring their spouses and families

I went to this work event to support her - in fairness I do work at the same company but my reason for going was mainly due to her - and planned to go out with all our colleagues at the end. She phoned a few days previously to make arrangements for this evening out and seemed very excited. She is one of my closest friends and due to her time away I hadnt seen her for ages so this was our first time to catch up, I was very excited too

Anyway she got in a few hours after contact after the award ceremoney and abruptly said she couldnt go out as she wanted to spend time with the relatives she was with and was tired. No apologies. AIBU to be annoyed and wish she would prioritise me? She has asked to do something over the next few days but I have a life too. I sometimes think she feels things are all about her. This isnt the first time she has abruptly changed plans and expected me just to slot in with things

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scarletforya · 27/08/2015 21:21

I suppose it comes down to that old saying 'never make someone a priority who only every makes you an option'.

If she's done this before then there's a pattern. It seems that you consider her a better friend than she considers you.

Let this information sink in and back off. Move on and concentrate on other friendships.

3rdSymphony · 27/08/2015 21:23

There's clearly a big back story here, OP, because this doesn't really add up on the face of it. Why were you going to an event at your shared workplace to 'support' her when most people bring spouses and family, and she clearly has those? And surely her deciding she was too tired to go out with colleagues shouldn't ruin your plans to go out with your shared workmates?

snowpigeongrey · 27/08/2015 21:48

Yes there is a backstory...

I wanted to come to this event for various reasons and she wanted me there. I get on well with her family so it was no big deal

No it didnt ruin the night out at all 3rd as I still went and had a great time, it was more the tone when she rang me after asking for a night out in the first place (!) to be flatly told that she was too tired and wanted to see her family instead. Oh right then. She said i was invited but that would oviously have been quite awkward to arrange. Other people were tired to and had bought their families along but she just couldnt be arsed clearly

Anyway this comes just as we leave our shared accommodation together. (Work provided us with a joint flat to live in but our contracts are now both coming to an end, partly why I was so keen to go out last night, to see everyone etc.) I have been doing the lions share of moving out, cleaning, landlord and letting company stresses and disagreements while she just stays with her relatives in their hotel in our city. I am annoyed and feel used tbh

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snowpigeongrey · 27/08/2015 21:56

Maybe my expectations are too high????

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3rdSymphony · 27/08/2015 22:46

It sounds to me as if you're blurring two things together - that you feel exploited by her as she hasn't pulled her weight at the end of your shared tenancy, and the completely different thing that you don't feel she thinks your friendship is important. The first you should address - have you actually asked her to undertake some of the tasks involved?

But the other thing that strikes me is that you two work together AND live together AND you consider her one of your closest friends - is it possible she feels a bit smothered? I couldn't live and work with my dearest friends, however much I love them.

snowpigeongrey · 27/08/2015 22:49

3rd I can totally see your point but she is my best friend and I'm hers.

Yes we do work/live together but will not be for various reasons (I'm moving house and she's leaving work). So this was our final few days together. She had spoken for ages about how she wanted us to have an amazing last few days etc etc, how she missed me and I just feel like when push comes to shove she just doesnt give a shit!!!!

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SavoyCabbage · 27/08/2015 22:56

These things are all happening in the same time frame so perhaps she just has something else going on at the moment that you don't know about.

Shes your best friend and she's backed out of one 'after an event evening out' and she's been hopeless with the end of tenancy stuff. I'd be far more annoyed about the latter. She needs to pull herself together about that.

snowpigeongrey · 27/08/2015 23:09

yes i do understand savoy...

i just feel like im not going to see her for a long time now and she just cant be bothered to make the time to see me...

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snowpigeongrey · 27/08/2015 23:12

I dont think there is anything else going on at the moment but willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. I just think she cant focus on more than one person at a time. She is not being a very good friend to me right now and doesnt seem to appreciate the efforts I have gone to in sorting out the house and coming to our work awards ceremony while she goes away on holiday and stays at the hotel her family are staying at

she has moved all her things out of our shared accommodation. i am angry

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noiwontstoptalking · 27/08/2015 23:19

I'm sorry you feel angry and hurt.

She shouldn't have let you to do all the moving out stuff - that was unfair of her.

However, personally, for me, family trumps friends. No matter how dear the friend - family comes first.

pinkdelight · 27/08/2015 23:20

Putting the tenancy thing aside, she just sounds busy. She has to see her relatives too, it's not like she's blowing you off for no reason. Sometimes it's hard to prioritise. Sometimes you don't want to see anyone. You sound quite intense. It's nice that you were excited to catch up with her but with a good friend there's no real deadline. And the event thing is a red herring as you wanted to go there anyway. I think she's just irked you with the moving thing and you're recasting it all as a bigger deal than it is.

pinkdelight · 27/08/2015 23:23

" while she goes away on holiday and stays at the hotel her family are staying at"

She really hasn't done anything wrong by doing that, you know? And you're being v martyrish now about the awards ceremony. And if the tenancy thing is annoying you so much stop doing her share. Or say something. But if you bring up her family holiday as if it's some selfish thing you're going to sound a bit nutty.

snowpigeongrey · 27/08/2015 23:25

Pinkdelight Im actually not intense. I just havent seen her for weeks and was really looking forward to her arrival. Then she made a huge deal out of a night out and then let me down at the last minute without so much as an apology. I didnt have to come to the awards ceremony but I put myself out for her, she cant be bothered to do the same for me clearly

She is moving back in with her family when she leaves this house to find work. So its not like she is never going to see them again.

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snowpigeongrey · 27/08/2015 23:27

I dont think her family holiday is a selfish thing at all! Not sure where I said that?

I am just upset and ranting because I missed her and wanted to see her again but its looking less and less likely.

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snowpigeongrey · 27/08/2015 23:31

fwiw i was not expecting loads from her, just that she would fit me in for a quick drink here and there. this is obviously just not going to happen now, she has form for doing this with boyfriends too (as in she would ask to see me all the time, get a boyfriend and then he would become her new favourite person)

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pinkdelight · 27/08/2015 23:31

The quote I put was where you seemed to be saying it was selfish of her. You said you'd done all these selfless things putting yourself out for her and she'd been on holiday etc. If you weren't implying she was selfish I don't know what your point was. But clearly you're worked up about it and hurt and angry. It just seems disproportionate. I think you expect too much, sorry.

snowpigeongrey · 27/08/2015 23:36

Oh sorry - two separate points... She went on holiday with her family so my point was that she had just seen them for a long time. Now they are staying in our city in a hotel so she is staying with them (despite having just come back from hol with them) instead of staying in our flat and helping me move out. Thats what I meant

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snowpigeongrey · 27/08/2015 23:38

Youre right, Im being unreasonable and a bit OTT. Just wanted a rant.

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Kampeki · 27/08/2015 23:45

She is BU in not helping you move, OP. However, her family are paying to stay in a hotel in the city where you live, so I don't think it's unreasonable for her to want to spend time with them. It's a bit crap if you'd planned to go out and she cancelled, but perhaps she thought the arrangement was a bit looser than it was?

howtorebuild · 27/08/2015 23:47

I have known a few people like her. Echo, you are an option to her and she is a priority to you. She has used you and will get back in touch when she needs you again. I expect someone exciting or easily used she is currently grooming and love bombing, is taking priority right now.

snowpigeongrey · 27/08/2015 23:53

I just feel really stressed. Ive had huge problems with the landlord/letting agents and have also been cancelling water/elec accounts etc, paying bills and dealing with that side of things as well as cleaning the house for viewings. Its not her fault that she was away but we are supposed to be vacating in four days. She has not told me her plans at all

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springalong · 27/08/2015 23:59

I have a friend like this - the option/priority is a very interesting concept. I had a call from her tonight cancelling an arrangement, The problem I have and have had for 30 years is that no arrangement she makes is secure or definite. If she wants to change she does. My friend is charismatic - so everyone puts up with this. It is fucking annoying. I do feel for you.

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snowpigeongrey · 28/08/2015 00:08

I think I wouldnt mind so much if she had apologised. But she just really flatly well what can I do, Im really tired. Nothing else! Just resent being taken for granted so much like this

Springalong shes not charismatic as such, just a bit selfish and keen to only do whats best for her. I dont want to go out of my way to see her really now, since she clearly is not too quick to do the same for me

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pillowaddict · 28/08/2015 00:22

Thing is though it's not really that selfish to cancel a night out you don't want to go on because you're tired and with family that I assume she doesn't see often if they're staying in a hotel in the place you both lived. It's not as though you were relying on her to go as you were clearly still able to as part of a group. It is a bit off she didn't pull her weight with the move but it sounds like you're hurt she hasn't made more of a ceremony about the 'end of an era' situation you're seeing this as. I understand that, but maybe you need to tell her you're hurt rather than cut your nose off to spite your face by saying you'll not make an effort to see her now.
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snowpigeongrey · 28/08/2015 00:29

good point pillow thanks. how do you think i should go about saying that? thats exactly what it is, the end of an era

she sees her family all the time (obviously shes perfectly entitled to do that but just to clear it up); she has just been on hol with them and is about to move back home

secondly she was the one who instigated this night out in the first place and said she was so excited to see me.... but then felt tired so couldnt make it

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