to not want to say yes to relative asking to come and stay with us?

[Hellotherehowareyoudoing]

A younger relative (on my DH's side) has asked to come and stay with us 'while she looks for a base', for 'a week or two' from monday. We have a spare room but our house is tiny (feels too small for the 2 of us and our 6mo DD), I am here in the day time with DD and hate the thought of someone else being here as well, and feeling like I can't just be completely relaxed in my own home. DH works long hours so it wouldn't affect him as much. I don't want to be cruel and just say no, but I am also really worried about 1 or 2 weeks turning into 3 or 4. There is also the financial implication of having someone else to feed/ hot water etc - I doubt any contribution will be offered. Oh I feel like a really horrible person for just wanting to say, no, sorry it's not convenient. But the thought of it makes my heart sink. I am so tired with DD waking in the night etc that I really, massively value totally chilled out evenings/ weekends with DH. I know how selfish I sound!
WWYD?

[MsTargaryen]

I'd say no. A week or two is so vague that before you know it it's turned into three or four like you say.

[Littlefish]

Could you get your DH to reply to them and say that you are happy for them to stay for 1 week (or what ever you're happy with), but that you can't offer to have to stay for any longer than that as you just don't have the room.

I think it would be nice to offer a little, but certainly not multiple weeks.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Where does the young relative live at the moment and why is she looking for a base in your area?

If she's some distance away perhaps you could suggest that she lines up places to view and can stay with you overnight or 2 nights max in order to check them out.

[scribblegirl]

I'd be ok with that - I have been the young relative crashing in the city while I look for a houseshare. But I agree you need to make it a fixed period. Perhaps now is the time to remind DH that you're having loads of work done in the kitchen/bathroom from 15 September, so she can't stay after that date?

[ImperialBlether]

Do you live in London? Is that the attraction?

I think your husband needs to find out how much money she's bringing with her as a flat anywhere costs an enormous amount to get started.

There's nothing wrong in saying no, though, if you don't want her to stay. She asked, she can't demand!

[scribblegirl]

Tbh as well if your baby is waking frequently in the night and the house is small, I'd imagine she will find somewhere pretty fast...

[TheLightsWinning]

Nooooo... I'd hate this but would probably feel like the worlds worst as hubby is the "nice" one...

[BrockAuLit]

Depends on the relative. Is it a sister? I don't think you could say no as it doesn't sound like there's anything objectionable about this person per se, just that you want your privacy. (Would you want your DD to turn away any future sibling she has, if that sibling needed a home for even a month?). If a third cousin twice removed, I'd request very tight rules around the visit, if anything.

[Hellotherehowareyoudoing]

We live within commuting distance of London, that's the attraction. She has a job lined up but it won't be regular hours (so she'd be here a lot in the day time I expect). I wouldn't mind if I was working but it's the fact I'm here and feel like I really need my own space with dd. I also suspect staying rent free in a home we keep nicely (if I do say so myself) while being fed/ heated etc free of charge will make her very slow to find an expensive/ grotty shared flat - this is based on knowing what she's like, not pure guesswork. Although you're right that perhaps the night time 'fun' here might put her off! Not a close relative, Brock.

[beardsrock]

Say no. You have a 6 month old, FFS.

[Branleuse]

Tell her that if you didnt have such a young baby and feel a bit overcrowded and sleep deprived then youd certainly say yes, but you really dont feel up to any guests at the moment for more than a night or two, but if she does move closer to the area, then youd love to meet up for lunch or a coffee

[HermioneWeasley]

Either go with Braneluse 's very nicely worded suggestion, or offer her a maximum of 1 week with only £200 required as contribution to mortgage, food, utilities etc.

[Couldashouldawoulda]

Ugh. Say you'd love to have her usually, but the baby's up half the night, which she'd find very disruptive, and you're both very tired, so it isn't a good time to have a guest to stay, unfortunately. Nothing wrong with the truth! :-)

[Couldashouldawoulda]

Branleuse said it much better. She's making all of my excuses from now on.

[Hellotherehowareyoudoing]

Thanks for the really useful advice, hugely appreciate it.

[MagickPants]

Living in or near London can be tricky with this. you work hard to pay the bills on your expensive, small or tiny place, and people find it very useful to come and stay "for a while". My cynical self says you need to mitigate the advantages by

• asking for a financial contribution
  
• setting a time limit
  
• asking for practical help in the house. If it would help you relax to have a certain number of meals cooked, washed up etc. Can you leave the baby at all, asleep in the early evening for instance, and make it out to the cinema? Or in other words, can you think of what's in it for you?
  

At least if they have a job to go to, you can reasonably expect them to find a place and pay for it. It's fine to put a time limit on it on that basis

[BrockAuLit]

Then I think you shouldn't feel bad putting your foot down.

If DP feels bad, remind him he will be out of the house a lot and that it is principally your freedom that will be curtailed. Also point out that ALL his free time will be spent with this person.

Help make it easy: did incentivise her by reminding her the baby wakes frequently in the night and cries a lot, that you will be requiring a contribution towards food and drink, and that you will require her to do some free babysitting so that you can do stuff yourself (evenings or during the day, whatever she can manage).

Don't feel too bad about it if she's not a close relative. Sounds like she's trying it on.

[FlibbertigibbetArmadillo]

Give her a time limit. 10 days and she has to be gone?

[queenofthishouse]

Tell your DH what you have said here and get him to sort it. And sort it quick as she will need to get something else sorted.

YANBU

[alicemalice]

Am I think the only one that thinks it's mean to ask her for money if she's only coming for a week or so?

Fine, if you say no altogether to her visiting. But I'd never ask for a contribution to mortgage and bills unless it was a long term stay.

[Foffyouwanker]

Tell her you don't have room and set up baby's cot in spare room! ????

[acquiescence]

I think it depends on the relative. If it is his sister then it would be a little mean to deny her. If it is his cousins step daughter for instance, definitely not being unreasonable to say no.

[SingingTunelessly]

Sympathies. DH offered a room to some relatives coming from NZ for a holiday if they needed it. Turns out it's for six weeks.... .

[PaintedTshirt]

It'd be a big fat no from me!

DH would be more accommodating, but I'd feel just like you do.