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AIBU?

to not want dh to go too far

100 replies

K8eee · 12/08/2015 22:52

I'm due with dc2 6th November. dh is meant to have dss the week before for half term, but for practical reasons I don't think it would be far to have him. these are the reasons why. dss lives over 200 miles away so dh would have to have a night away before bringing dss home and the same when dropping him back. I don't fancy him being away incase I go into labour, as I have no friends or family who can drive me to the hospital and I have dd to look after too, so there isn't anyone apart from my parents who are 2.5 hours away who will be on standby. also, this probably sounds selfish on my behalf, but I want to know I can come home and feel comfortable in my own home once I've had ds. I don't fancy a 9 year old gawping at me whilst I whip my boob out to bf. before anyone suggest my parents looking after dss if I go into labour, he has only met the 3 maybe 4 times, and he hardly knows them. I'm sure his mum wouldn't approve either.

OP posts:

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PotteringAlong · 12/08/2015 22:56

But if you are 2 weeks late you're basically saying he can't see his son for what? 6 weeks? 2 months? (Ie from about 37-42 weeks plus 2 weeks post birth ish)? That's crazy.

Griphook · 12/08/2015 22:56

I'm a bit torn tbh, part of thinks what would you do with ds's if he was yours and dh?
I think it's unfair to assume he will be gawping, although I understand where you are coming from,
I think he will feel pushed out though.
What does your dp think and is there a compromise?

Sirzy · 12/08/2015 22:57

I think the travel arrangement side yanbu - can his mum not meet halfway at least?

But I think it would be very unfair on his son to basically push him out because a new baby is coming.

Griphook · 12/08/2015 22:57

What about dps parents?

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle · 12/08/2015 22:58

I think yabu. Your DH has a commitment to his son, that doesn't change because you're having a baby, he is part of your family...

ollieplimsoles · 12/08/2015 23:03

I'm going against the grain and saying YANBU.

200 miles is a long way away, he is going to feel pushed out if he is around when the baby arrives anyway and that could make it tough for you. can't he come and stay once the baby has arrived so they have meet properly and things have calmed down a bit.

Could he maybe stay with your dp's mum and dad?

I also think if he must come, his mum should meet half way to make it a bit easier.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 12/08/2015 23:04

Oh I started feeling for you a bit and then you made the comment about not wanting dss there when you bring the baby home. How nasty. He is your DH child, your babies brother. Will your daughter be shipped off when you bring the baby home? Or do you not think that your daughter and stepson should be treated equally?

TooOldForGlitter · 12/08/2015 23:04

Sorry but yabu. He can't not see his son, your stepson, for that period of time. It's not the lads fault that his dad has chosen to have more children. If it was yoour biological 9 year old you wouldn't be worrying about him gawking at you feeding. You're being unfair.

slicedfinger · 12/08/2015 23:04

Your DSS is now part of your family, and will be a step sibling to your DC. Not only does your DSS have every right to have his time with his DF, your DP has the right to that time with his DS.

Can his mother not bring him to his father, or a friend help you all out. Frankly you may be heavily pregnant, but you badly need to rethink your attitude towards feeding too. Your breasts will be a feeding tool, a fabulous thing, and no nine year old is gawping. It is in fact entirely possible (though actually not the point) to feed your baby with little or no breast on show anyway.

Perhaps if you think of your situation as older child and baby sibling you might find it easier to accept your family.

asmallandnoisymonkey · 12/08/2015 23:04

'a 9 year old gawping' this is an awful attitude to have towards someone who was part of your husbands life before you decided to have another child.

DoJo · 12/08/2015 23:04

I would be really wary of limiting your husband's contact with his son, especially when he might already be concerned about his place in the family once the new baby arrives. Presumably if your husband doesn't see his father this half term, the next time will be at Christmas which is a long time to go without contact.

I agree with a PP - could your step-son's mother/other family member not help with travel? And when it comes to breast-feeding, I think you are being a bit unfair - your comfort is not the responsibility of a 9 year old and he is unlikely to be that interested, especially if he doesn't see his dad that often.

K8eee · 12/08/2015 23:04

dp parents/family live 4.5 hours away, so wouldn't be much help in an emergency. we had a similar thing when I had dd last year but dss mum was fine with it, I think partly because her parents had to reassure her and sort of sided with us which she wasn't keen on

she won't meet half way as because her car is on lease she can only do 800 miles a month and is very strict on herself as to how far she goes.

OP posts:

TooOldForGlitter · 12/08/2015 23:05

*your, sorry.

TooOldForGlitter · 12/08/2015 23:09

None of that is your stepsons problem. You're looking for reasons to exclude him and I'm sorry but when you have children with a person who already has children then you can't just pick and choose which ones are worthy of being around and which aren't.

Griphook · 12/08/2015 23:09

I didn't see you already had a dd, can you imagine for a minute your dp asking you not to see her for a week/2/3.
What do you intend to do with ds whilst you are in labour? Can dss not do the same?
I also wonder whether you would feel the same if he was a girl?

Morganly · 12/08/2015 23:10

Sit down with your H and work out contingency plans for all eventualities. What will I do if I go into labour when you are away overnight, etc. Perhaps on this one occasion he needs to come up with an arrangement that doesn't involve him being away overnight.

He's your step son now. You need to get comfortable with him in your (His?His dad's?) home. Perhaps the new baby might help you bond with him.

Griphook · 12/08/2015 23:10

I also don't think you like him/the idea of him and therefore you are looking at ways to keep him away.

ollieplimsoles · 12/08/2015 23:10

similar thing when I had dd last year but dss mum was fine with it

How was it resolved last year op?

And although its not very nice to say 'gawking' about a nine year old boy, I kind of know where you are coming from, Breast feeding can be hard and trying to do it in front of a possibly excitable child could make it tougher.

VodkaValiumLattePlease · 12/08/2015 23:12

I'm sorry I just don't see this as a valid excuse to exclude your dss.

ollieplimsoles · 12/08/2015 23:13

I think people are getting a bit carried away here.

yes hes important as a step son, but settling down properly after having a baby is important too. op has a right to some privacy to heal and bond on her own with the new baby.

LadyStark · 12/08/2015 23:14

I don't see why your DP needs to stay overnight, 200 miles each way is doable in one day.

Icimoi · 12/08/2015 23:15

If diss' mother doesn't want to bring and collect him because of the car lease mileage issue, can your dh offer to pay any extra costs she might incur?

How long are you planning to breastfeed for? If you're planning on 6 months or a year, you can't expect to keep dss away that long.

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K8eee · 12/08/2015 23:15

dd will either be looked after by my parents at our house or theirs. as I said before dss doesn't know them well enough to stay with them, and his mum wouldn't be comfortable with it either. if I go into labour and they're not around in time, I'm in it on my own and dh will have to drop me off and wait until they get to us.

I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses but dss's personality and look on things is totally different to any other child I've ever come across (dh abd I work with kids of all ages so are involved with 1000's of kids any year) and even our friends and family have said how different he is in his own little way; he's very immature for his age hence the comment about bf in front of him.

OP posts:

SelfLoathing · 12/08/2015 23:17

I don't fancy a 9 year old gawping at me whilst I whip my boob out to bf. before anyone suggest my parents looking after dss if I go into labour, he has only met the 3 maybe 4 times, and he hardly knows them.

This "gawping 9 year old" is part of your life forever now. Even if you divorce or separate down the line, you will forever be connected to DH because you have his child. The same is true of your step son. He will forever be your child's half brother.

You don't sound as if you like your step son very much but I think you really have to get over it and embrace him into your new family - he'll be around forever. A good way may be introducing him to his new half brother early on.

You chose to have a marriage and a relationship with a man who already has a child. It's not that child's fault and it was your free choice. You could have walked away. So now I don't think you have the freedom really to start dictating to your husband that he can't see his son for what - 4 weeks plus.

Maybe now is also the time to consider developing the relationship between your parents and your step son.

VodkaValiumLattePlease · 12/08/2015 23:18

I think the problem is what happens if your over due? How long are you going to keep him away? He has a right to see his father new baby or not.

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