AIBU to want to get engaged but want it to be his idea!

(39 Posts)
purpleframe Fri 07-Aug-15 19:23:06

short back story. married for a decade to a man I later found out cheated on me throughout our whole relationship. divorced. new man. great relationship. love everything about him and it apart from lack of proposal!

We've been together for 4 years now and are trying for a baby so commitment isn't the issue. It's the fact that I'd really like to be married again and he keeps brushing it off. It's a colossal waste of money is his reasoning.

now we could sit down and have a conversation about how I don't want a big expensive ring (and in fact I wouldn't want a diamond at all - I would something completely different from the ring my cheating ex gave me). I would in fact be deliriously happy with just a second hand beautiful ring and I know you can pick one up for about 40 quid.

I wouldn't want a big ceremony or an expensive day. I just want to be married to him because I love him.

here's where I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face. we could have this conversation. but because I feel so damaged by my ex who clearly didn't love me even though we were together for so long - I don't want to marry a man that I have to talk into it! ridiculous I know.

We've had a romantic weekend away recently and he didn't propose (again) and I'm feeling shit. which is stupid because we've just had a lovely weekend away and why am I sabotaging my enjoyment of our relationship by getting hung up on a ring and a proposal?!!

it isn't even like I want to get married tomorrow. I'd be perfectly happy with a long engagement while we saved a little for whatever ceremony we would have. I'd be happy with a registry office and the pub! I just really want the feeling of security of knowing - really knowing that he wants to stay together.

so.

put on big girl pants and have a conversation with him. (but then I'd feel like I'd talked him into it - see above)

ask him myself - eeek! I'd like to think I was a modern woman and a feminist, but it just wouldn't sit well with me and also - I want to be asked (see above issues of insecurity and emotional scarring by shitty ex)

just wait - he might get to it in his own sweet time. but how do I stop thinking about it and getting arsey and sabotaging a perfectly great relationship by being in a permanently pissy mood in the mean time?

aibu to just want a damned ring and a romantic proposal!!wink wink

Floggingmolly Fri 07-Aug-15 19:25:36

He keeps brushing it off... and you think you can manipulate him into not only proposing; but thinking it's all his own idea? Good luck with that.

crustsaway Fri 07-Aug-15 19:27:26

What you are asking is somewhat impossible dont you think?

You want him to want the same as you and he doesnt.

jelliebelly Fri 07-Aug-15 19:27:53

You need to get to the bottom of whether he doesn't want to be married or if he doesn't want a wedding (which tbh is a colossal waste of money!)...

MaidOfStars Fri 07-Aug-15 19:28:36

You've been together 4 years, presumably living together, hoping to have a baby.

Marriage is your legal protection.

AuntyMag10 Fri 07-Aug-15 19:28:42

He's telling you he doesn't want to get married so before bringing a child into the picture think carefully about your future. In 4 years if he hasn't decided that he would like to get married then that's something to think about too.

Catzeyess Fri 07-Aug-15 19:30:12

Tell him what you posted

'Marriage is really important to me, I would be happy with a cheap but thoughtful ring and a small ceremony followed by pub, but I don't want to feel I have to talk you into it because of how my ex treated me and I'm feeling insecure about it'

If he is a decent bloke (as I'm sure he is) he will appreciate the honesty.

Don't let the proposal stuff ruin special time you have together. He loves you and he is not your ex flowers

Georgiedawes Fri 07-Aug-15 19:30:47

Sounds like he doesn't want to be married, seems unfair to try and back him into a corner about it.

As we all know weddings don't have to be expensive so guessing that's not the real reason.

avocadotoast Fri 07-Aug-15 19:32:07

Just talk to him.

Don't wait for a proposal; you could be waiting forever.

cleanindahouse Fri 07-Aug-15 19:33:17

It sounds as if you're still carrying a lot from your last relationship. Don't be having babies and thinking about marriage until you've buried that.

Mitzimaybe Fri 07-Aug-15 19:35:24

Did your ex propose to you or did you talk him into it?

YABU. Have that conversation. Tell him how you feel and that it needn't cost much at all.

Think long and hard about why you want to have a child with a man who doesn't want to be married to you. Very risky position to be in, financially.

ImperialBlether Fri 07-Aug-15 19:35:48

Don't have children without getting married. Just don't. Tell him that you will have children when you think he's fully committed to the relationship. He's ridiculous saying a wedding is expensive - it's as expensive as you make it.

Also, don't undersell yourself with saying you're happy with a cheap ring. You are worth a lot more than you think you are and of course I don't just mean financially.

CMOTDibbler Fri 07-Aug-15 19:37:37

What Catzeyess said - you need to have an honest conversation with him. And the sooner the better.

RoboticSealpup Fri 07-Aug-15 19:41:02

Plenty of women would not want to have children with a man who won't marry them. It wouldn't be unreasonable at all too talk frankly and openly about the fact that you want the security of marriage before making such a life-changing choice together. Forget about it being his idea, he may be the kind of guy who thinks "it's just a bit of paper". If so, he needs to realise that it's not - his parental rights and a number of other things are at stake. (My phone is dying, but Google it, you'll find a long list of differences with cohabiting). He may also be the kind of guy who doesn't believe in lifelong commitment. If so, I wouldn't want to find out about that after you've had a child.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard Fri 07-Aug-15 19:42:37

I certainly wouldn't be trying for a baby with someone I couldn't have an honest conversation with and end up with agreement on how we see our relationship and how we want it to progress.

The whole idea of manipulating someone into doing something and making out it's their idea even though you know it's yours is just silly. It will only ever be what it is.

FWIW my DH doesn't do romantic or impulsive, but that doesn't matter, because we have a solid and loving relationship and I don't feel the need for dressing it up at all. You need to get to a place where you're the same, that you feel happy and contented. Talking and being honest and open are the key.

TheRealAmyLee Fri 07-Aug-15 19:45:08

Honest conversation. Talk about it as a topic. Tell him how important it is to you and why. If you really want this and he doesn't that is going to be an issue in your relationship that just festers when there is no need. Discuss it then leave him to it and let him decide if he wants the same as you. Once the conversation is over don't talk about it again, don't push it. Give him space to think and choose. Put it out of your mind for a bit.

If no proposal by say end of January (that would give him a good few months to do it including the christmas/new year thing many people love) then maybe bring it up again and discuss it. You may then need to decide if you are willing to accept the no marriage thing.

Don't go into having kids if you aren't 100% sure you would be happy with no wedding. Marriage is a huge protection for you if you have kids. It's more than just the romance/commitment.

AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain Fri 07-Aug-15 19:47:15

Talk to him, properly. And listen to what others have said on here about marriage providing legal protection if you have a baby. Living together will not give you anything unless you go to a solicitor. Don't put yourself in a vulnerable position. There is no such thing as common law in the uk.

Does he really not want to get married or is it a reflection on your relationship? You have to find out before you have a baby.

mmmuffins Fri 07-Aug-15 19:53:02

OP why on earth are you trying for a baby with this man when you haven't sorted a major issue like this?

He isn't going to propose to you. He has already told you he isn't interested in getting married.

GreenGoth89 Fri 07-Aug-15 19:57:14

Whats his parent's relationship like? Growing up with parents in an unhappy marriage can put anyone off! Personally i would just go for it and ask him

SweetCharityBeginsAtHome Fri 07-Aug-15 19:58:28

One caveat - the whole "marriage offers you protection" thing only really applies if you're going to be in an inferior financial position. If you are independently wealthy through a family trust, or the deputy chair of HSBC intending for him to be SAHD, or if you're both likely to be on out of work benefits for the foreseeable future then feel free to ignore this point.

If however you think your financial and career prospects might suffer as a result of childbearing then marriage is not just a piece of paper.

purpleframe Fri 07-Aug-15 20:03:06

woah woah woah! who said anything about manipulation? I've been open about the fact that I have baggage from my previous relationship and I'm well aware he's not my ex. I implicitly do not want to force him into it and hence am fairly pointlessly fixed on marriage being his idea. if you don't want to do it, it wont work. end of. I'm not an idiot or a witch. I have a silly romantic dream that so far hasn't come to fruition and I'm trying to manage my expectations.

I know. I know I should have a conversation with him. this is literally the only subject we don't discuss. and yes we live together and discuss staying together. forever.

I'm also well aware of the legal implications. we both have a child each from our previous relationship and he was in fact engaged to his ex before his relationship broke down. my stepson was a 'suprise' before either of them were ready (no infidelity on either side. just one of those sad times when it doesn't work out.)

and as for having children before marriage - we have explicitly had the conversation where neither of us want to single parent again - it's hideous amd we are committed to being together.

I suspect the reason he is hesitant is because his previous proposal didn't work out - see - everyone has baggage and he accepts mine as I except his. I've had to learn to trust all over again as my heart was broken, stamped on and then disregarded. I'm trying really hard to to let that dickhead spoil this relationship and that's why I feel like I want him to propose. I want to be swept up and feel like I'm wanted when before I so clearly wasnt. and yes. I am over my ex. he's a twat and my new man is fantastic.

I'm trying to find a way to manage my expectations here!

PoppyFleur Fri 07-Aug-15 20:08:26

OP good communication is the foundation of any relationship, if you can't have an honest conversation with him then children really shouldn't be on the cards. it is not a crime to want to be married, equally it's perfectly acceptable to never want to be married. Talk to your partner and listen to what he is saying to you in return. I hope it all works out.

TheUnwillingNarcheska Fri 07-Aug-15 20:10:18

I wouldn't want to have a child with someone without a marriage first. It isn't just a piece of paper. It is a legal contract.

What if you have all these plans for a baby and when your baby is born it has additional needs that mean you will never work again because you decide you have to be the sole carer? What protection do you have for that? Or it's twins and there is no point working because you cannot afford the childcare for two babies?

He knows you want to get married, he doesn't want it. You can have a discussion about it but that would involve you telling him you want the romantic proposal. Did you not get that with your exdp?

I had a very unromantic proposal, but we had talked about it before he did it so it wasn't exactly a surprise. There was no grand gesture but I didn't need it. We have been married for 16 years.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Fri 07-Aug-15 20:15:46

Romantic proposals are for showing off to your friends. They're really not important.

Unless I was the higher earner and likely to remain so (ie short maternity leave and taking into account any part time working) there's no way I'd agree to have a baby before being married. Even an engagement isn't good enough in my opinion. I would be willing to sacrifice the wedding if that's what it took although I'd be sad.

Seriously though, stop being so bloody passive. DP is not your ex. Give him some credit. If marriage is essential to you and he's not willing to do it because he can't be arsed, do you really want a baby with him?

(My story is that DH wasn't in to marriage. He suggested renting together, I proposed, we had a biggish but relaxed wedding, we bought a house together, then we had a baby. All is well. I suspect I would be tearing my hair out still waiting for a proposal watching life pass me by, had I not womaned up and told him what I wanted).

Thetruthshallmakeyefret Fri 07-Aug-15 20:16:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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