to be angry at friend's treatment of me?(31 Posts)
Group of close uni friends, 5 altogether, all girls. Have been friends for over 6 years now.
Became particularly close to one of them over past two/three years. We talked to each other a lot and considered each other best friends.
Over time it came to light that she could be very moody and lash out at those who apparently she was closest to ie me and other 3 friends. We are her longest standing friends; others she has made along the years she has dropped (for example her first lot of female post uni housemates; she slept with one of their FWBs and things got messy). She would have "tantrums" during group meet-ups and abruptly change plans eg me and a friend flew out to meet her to go travelling somewhere and she made us change our flights home (paying a loooot extra) because it didnt suit her.
Anyway recently I have spent a lot of 1 on 1 time with her. Hosted a party a few months ago which she came to, left early because she knew no-one (i sat by her side most of the night and introduced her to people) and then was catty about the next day.
Whatever. I met up with her a few times since but the last time, she basically picked a fight; when I called her up on it and said that she wasn't treating me like a friend, she came out with the immortal line "I'm the only one you've got left. Youd best be careful". This was after I'd confided in her about a difficult situation I was having with a friend which had since been resolved. FWIW I have a fair few; she is the one who is losing them like hot cakes. I would never ever say this to her face though even in anger!!
She apologised to me three days later by text and has been off with me since. She hasn't spoken to our whole group.
I am so angry to have been treated this way! She is so entitled and spoilt
can anyone relate? why does she treat me like shit basically...
why does she treat me like shit basically
Because you let her?
true. i am starting to detach. just dont know why some people get such a kick out of treating others like this!
can i ask honestly how the situation seems to an outsider?
It sounds like hard work for little or no reward.
She behaves the way she does because she can, you let her and 'forgive' her by accepting it as part of her personality.
I would find it hard to get the friendship back on track. She obviously knew you had been upset about the problem with the other friend - throwing it in your face to score points during a strop was dreadful!
Can you really forgive her and move on from that comment?
I am finding it hard to. I actually left in tears; her apology was pretty gobsmacking too, it was a 2 line text reading "Sorry that I upset you, I was harsh. Hope you're having a good weekend" <jaw on floor>
If I had said that to someone I would be falling over myself reassuring them it wasnt true etc etc, trying to make it up to them. She just seems to think she can treat me like this and get away with it.
I have been quite distant recently and tbh cant be bothered to rekindle things
Balls to people like her, seriously - I had a 'friend' who always had to have everything all about her, she falls out with people constantly and still does that charming high school thing of 'You can't be my friend if you're HER friend', at the age of 30.
Cut your losses, OP. Life will be much easier, believe me!
Thanks. Ive been such a doormat with her because she's had some tough issues going on with her home life (sick parents) so have cajoled her out of her moods, basically become almost a sister figure: someone you can be sulky and even hurtful to but who will still be there after.
Fuck it, the lack of a proper apology was the last straw.
I couldn't live with myself if I treated someone who was supposedly close to me like that...
Exactly. You've been a good friend, you shouldn't be treated as an emotional punchbag because you're 'close' or 'she trusts you' (heard these before myself, in similar circumstances).
I know it's hard, and you'll probably feel a little bit guilty, even though you most definitely shouldn't! You deserve more than a half arsed apology.
anothergirls - she was nice (read normal) to me a few days after this incident, which happened a couple of weeks back; then I (with another of our friends) offended her inadvertently and got the silent treatment...
Difference is, this time I wont be the one to call a truce. I am in no hurry to get her back into my life.
Sorry to rant. It just angers me so much that she has the cheek to treat me like this and play the victim when its essentially the opposite way round.
I hope she gets her comeuppance in some kind of bizarre karmic fashion, some people are just plain nasty
Don't apologise for ranting, bloody hell - it's allowed, y'know!
Her playing the victim says it all. And people like her always have to get their side of the story across to as many people as possible in the shortest amount of time, don't they?
I'm waiting for karma to come back on my former friend too. I realise that makes me sound bitter, but giving my violent ex my address and the details of my DS's nursery just because she felt 'wronged' by me, warrants that bitterness as far as I'm concerned!
Wow anothergirls, that's unbelievable! What would even possess someone to do that? She sounds unhinged. Hope things are better now
Agree that karma will hopefully re-address the balance in the end
What would even possess someone to do that?
I honestly don't know. She's such a self absorbed, deeply immature, sheltered individual (very much a PFB), she didn't even stop to think how it would damage a then 3 year old child - she was out to hurt me. That kind of vindictiveness is really troubling. She was talking to my ex to 'find out the facts' about me, which I was utterly gobsmacked by.
So yeah, I really do feel for you! People can be shocking
OP if your "friend" has gone off in a huff and you did nothing to warrant that I'd leave her to it. Treat her like the tantrumming toddler she is. She's not a princess, you're not lucky to have her and the world doesn't revolve around her.
Re. the 'sister figure' comment, tbh, OP, I don't think the vast majority of people would accept that behaviour, or anything like, from a sister either. Forget her, because she soubds deeply unpleasant, and ask yourself why you let her mistreatment of you go for for years, and called someone who used you as an emotional punchbag your 'best friend'. And make sure it never happens again, with her or anyone else.
She sounds very hard work, not very nice, distance yourself.
i was going to say distance tourself and let the penny drop with her and see if she sorts herself out.
But then I remembered my ex best friend who was like this and I let it go on for so long that it took her shitting on me from a great height (watching me get assaulted and refusing to give a statement to the police because she liked being popular with the group of lads that the guy was in) for me to drop the friendship.
I don't regret not being her friend anymore, I regret letting so much if my life revolving around someone who is just out for themselves.
Do yourself a favour, drop her now.
If you want friends who act like toddlers, can I reccomend you get some actual toddlers as friends, at least then sometimes their sulky behaviours is kind of amusing!
More seriously, not worth it, let her go and let some nicer friends take her place
Get rid. you seem to dance to her tune and she is now known in her own mind that if she acts XXX way you'll rally round her, cosset and comfort her and that is no good for her!
Thanks everyone, helpful advice. I have distanced myself for a couple of weeks and she is obviously still moody so who cares - not my problem! I really am still quite angry that (a) she thinks this is an acceptable way to treat a "friend" and (b) that I let it carry on for so long. She was treated badly by a FWB in the past and I think often I get the brunt of it. How do people like her rationalise their shitty childish behaviour...?
I had a friend like that, I took it for over 20 years.
Finally, when I had a really awful thing happen to me and she didn't even call me, I cut ties with her.
Tellingly, she has never asked why! The friendship was one way. We had a good laugh many times, she was good company when she wasn't having tantrums, but mostly I walked on eggshells around her.
Narcissism is probably bandied about too much, but I think my ex friend had it, and it sounds like your friend does too.
Sometimes I miss her, but there is very little point in a friend who doesn't appear to care about you at all.
"Sorry that I upset you, I was harsh. Hope you're having a good weekend"
You realise that none of this is actually an apology? Its the classic non-apology of "I'm sorry that you're upset", not "I was wrong to say that" or asking for forgiveness. Even harsh is usually used in the context of "harsh but fair".
Id have replied "You're not only harsh, you're wrong. I have enough other friends that I dont need to take this rubbish from you".
You've nailed it storm
I was my usual doormat self after though and just replied graciously saying that it was ok. Now we are not talking (A Good Thing!) but I am angry that she has never been called up on her behaviour (well angry at myself for not saying what you suggested ha).
I have no intention of being properly close to her again but when our paths do cross, shall I say anything? She is completely silent atm which I can't help but think may be a combination of being a bitch and perhaps some guilt re how she has treated me. But who knows!
Alsooooo I do think she is looking for cheap ways to hurt and perhaps projecting her insecurities on to me. Due to the way she discards people I do have more friends than her. It's just a fact. So I can't help but feel she says these things to keep me in my place ie dependent on her
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