Would this annoy you?

[Grammartiiime]

If you lived as a two with a very close friend and her boyfriend moved from (say) Lincoln to Scotland (ie totally new area) to be with her, renting a flat round the corner...

But

1. He stayed in your flat for 2 months while searching for a place
   

1. When he found a place he would come to your house regularly to cook/wash his clothes/sleep (4/5 times per week)
   

1. He was occasionally there without her and you'd walk in to your seemingly empty house to find him watching TV there
   

1. You went away and he slept in your empty house by himself despite having a perfectly good (albeit less nice) room of his own v v nearby
   

1. He slept by himself in the house a few nights while you were there, without her (she was away on hol)
   

He doesn't pay bills as is working for a min wage job.

Friend has not outlined intentions to you at the beginning of this arrangement but you come to learn them for yourself as they occur eg he still can't find a flat/he needs to sleep here tonight

How should the flatmate in this scenario behave? And how much more of this behaviour should they take??

[FarFromAnyRoad]

I wouldn't stand for this. Have you even tried discussing it with her?

[Grammartiiime]

I'm not the flatmate, I'm her cousin! She told me this today but seemed to think she should accept being treated like this. Wanted to gather opinions, this has been happening since june

[CloserToFiftyThanTwenty]

Basically he's moved in, hasn't he...?

[wowfudge]

No. She agreed to share with her friend, not her friend and her boyfriend. It's dodgy him having a key - sounds as though he does - when he isn't on the tenancy. It's a pisstake him using their facilities, utilities, etc and not contributing.

[KatharineH]

It would depend on how it affected me.

Is the boyfriend trustworthy and friendly? Is he sometimes in the way preventing me doing something or making me uncomfortable?

If he was not really inconveniencing me, and if my friend wanted him to use the house in that way, then I would not have any objection.

But from what you say, your cousin is affected, so should discuss this with her friend.

[Grammartiiime]

It does look like it.

She's tried to bring the situation up a few times and her fkatmate was very upset initially and apologised. But things have continued. The last time they spoke about it her fkatmate asked how it really affected her, given that he was only using her room to sleep and was doing his best to stay out of communal spaces all the time (not to hog them). He has cleverly now just been staying in her room when he comes over

My cousin is more upset about the principle of the matter though I think! How can her friend not see her point of view

[FarFromAnyRoad]

I'm sure her friend can very well see her point of view but doesn't want to own up to that! Is the boyfriend putting pressure on the flat mate - does she maybe think she'll lose him if she doesn't let him stay? And what about if your cousin gave notice and found her own place - is that a prospect at all?

[KatharineH]

In principle then, on both sides, the boyfriend should not be staying over when the friend is not there. The friend has apologised for this, therefore agreeing that he should not do so.

The problem is now the friend is unwilling or unable to stop her boyfriend. That is a difficult one. Maybe your cousin should have a word with the boyfriend. But surely that is the friend's responsibility.

[TRexingInAsda]

She's paying half and he's living there for free. It affects her because instead of sharing with one person and having the flat to herself sometimes, she shares it with 2 people and has less privacy (and higher gas/electric etc, presumably). They are pisstaking and they know it.

[TheCatsMother99]

This would piss me off... You're basically living with two people, not one... Except one of them doesn't pay rent.

I also like a bit of time to chill out and basically sit in silence every once in a while, especially after a manic day at work, this would be very unlikely to happen if he's around even when she isn't.

Get that bloody key off him somehow!

[Grammartiiime]

He doesn't have a key I've been told, his girlfriend often gives him her key though and she shares with my fkatmate (they work near each other and often come home together)

[FenellaFellorick]

I'd demand that everything was split three ways and if she refused, I'd move out.

[The5DayChicken]

I'd be moving out. Friends move in together on the understanding that each will be respectful, within reason, towards how the other wants to enjoy their home. But your cousin's flatmate isn't being. She may as well have moved her boyfriend in: a person who your cousin wouldn't choose to share her home with. And under no circumstances should he be spending nights there without his girlfriend if it's not been discussed with your cousin first.

[crustsaway]

Im another one that would be looking to move out. They are totally taking the piss and it doesn't look like they're going to change anything either.

[crustsaway]

Thinking about it, maybe that's what they want.

[BackInTheRealWorld]

Nope, it's a piss take and not on.
Even without the rent the utilities bills will be higher because of him...but his utilities bills will be lower because he is t using his own. She should only pay a third of the bills.
It's not even about the bills though is it. She didn't agree to a 3 person flat share. This is her HOME. SHE DOES HAVE A SAY.

[TheRealAmyLee]

Not only is it royally taking the piss but BOTH your cousin and her flatmate would likely be evicted if the ll finds out.

She needs to speak up and be firm or move out. It's disrespectful and puts her in a horrible situation.

[Grammartiiime]

She can't move out, her and friend signed 12 month rent agreement on 2 bed flat at the beginning of April. He came over in May.

[musicalendorphins2]

Can't she pay a fee and break the lease? This isn't what your cousins signed up for.

[musicalendorphins2]

Look up the rental laws and see what her options are regarding leaving.
She should tell the roommate that
•She signed up for one roommate not two,
•She expected privacy and freedom to enjoy her apt. and not to have a man there when the roomie wasn't even home
•That he is freeloading, using their power and water, laundry soap
•If she did want two roommates, she would expect to only pay one third of the rent and bills.
•He ought to not be there overnight so often, and not be there when her roomie is out.
•He has worn out his welcome
If it really is Scotland where they live, this may help. scotland.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/advice_topics/renting_rights/ending_a_tenancy

[Grammartiiime]

Thanks all, tbh I think her friend is treating her very shoddily. Cousin phoned today and said she had attempted to confront friend about it; boyfriend now back in own place. Cousin feels like friendship has changed irrevocably though. Friend should have moved him out of her own accord really without so much pushing

[Sazzle41]

He is living with them but has his own place? Is it that grim / just a room? Ground rules like overnight stays by partners only 3nights a week might have been an idea when the whole thing started. Otherwise now after they have taken her for a mug she looks the villain (to them). I'd say he either moves in properly and pays his share or they have a house meeting and re establish boundaries, but I wouldnt fancy trying to claw it back at this late stage, but then i am a coward at confrontation!

[Grammartiiime]

Sazzle they may want to portray her as the villain but I think she's had enough... Last straw came yesterday when friend texted saying bf had to come in the house. Just come in, so to leave the door unlocked. He ended up sleeping over (both had different reasons for this) without friend there!

My cousin was upset and said that her friend should have been more honest from the outset. I'm with her, she's normally very very tolerant so it takes a lot to antagonise her

[Grammartiiime]

Also worth a mention that my cousin tried the softly softly approach at the beginning, suggested a limit on stays, contribution to bills, even offered him moving in with them if he wanted to contribute. But they were only going to play it by their own rules

[Katie2001]

Yes, this would annoy me. It's not the arrangement they made when they agreed to share a flat. Years ago I had a housemate whose boyfriend was in the merchant navy, he'd come and stay during his leave periods which went on for weeks. They would take over the whole place as well as inviting friends of theirs to stay. I think it was the point at which I found out he was claiming £35 a night b&b from the navy and not handing it over that I snapped!