Letting DC play out of an open window. Surely IANBU?

(54 Posts)
everybodysang Wed 29-Jul-15 19:49:35

Got home from work and DH was playing parachutes with DD (4). Which involves flying her toys out of the open window in her bedroom, with her standing on a chair leaning out of the window.

I was furious. He did apologise but not like he really meant it..."we were playing". I did shout - deliberately so, I really wanted DD to get the message that it's not on to be leaning out of her window.

This may be relevant - DD has chickenpox, today's their first full day of quarantine.

DD was very upset. DH cannot see why I'm so angry, saying it's just a game - which I get, and he says she's sensible and won't do it on her own. And she is a sensible little girl but she's also 4. I said I wasn't just angry about them playing a game, I knew he'd be supervising, but that I was really angry that he'd even introduced the idea to her.

I said I didn't want to go out to work again knowing he could do that kind of thing.

He absolutely lost it. She was already crying because I'd
shouted so I'm not coming out of this too well anyway, but he was raging at me, saying he couldn't believe I didn't trust him and he wanted an apology.

Thing is - I do think what he was doing was unacceptable, with no caveats. It doesn't matter how many times he screams "we all played games like that" or "oh and YOU'VE never exposed her to any risk", I'm not going to change my mind on that.

He wouldn't stop though. He kept on screaming at me. She was sobbing on my knee, I kept asking him to go away and eventually I said I was going to call the police. I couldn't think of anything else to get him to stop.

This may also be important: I've got anger issues related to PTSD. I've had counselling etc and things are a million times better than say a decade ago, but I do get shouty. So if you're all going to say LTB because he was yelling, it's a bit trickier than that .

He did say some horrible things though. About me going out and building a career while he has a difficult time at home. Pretty much calculated to hit the WOHM buttons there .

I don't know. AIBU? What do we do now?

Happyringo Wed 29-Jul-15 19:54:37

Your reaction sounds really horrible. Whilst I accept hanging out of the window is unacveptabke, if my DH came home from work and started literally yelling at me and making DD cry, I would probably be the one LTB. Sounds like your anger issues might need further work.

oddfodd Wed 29-Jul-15 19:56:37

Presumably her window has a lock if she's 4? So she's not going to be able to recreate the experience on her own.

I think your reaction was OTT

Sirzy Wed 29-Jul-15 19:57:30

It's not an ideal game - although any windows she could get to to open should ideally have some form of lock anyway - but I do think you over reacted, and he over reacted to your over reaction.

PenelopePitstops Wed 29-Jul-15 20:00:30

OK so neither of you is particularly covered in glory here. If DH was with DD then tbh I don't see the big issue, surely she wouldn't be able to unlock the window alone?

You sound like you reacted incredibly badly with a lot of shouting and enough to make dd upset is A LOT. I think you need to wok on your issues.

You and your dh need a good chat and to apologise to each other.

everybodysang Wed 29-Jul-15 20:00:51

Oh bollocks.

You're probably right.

There is no lock on the window. Though there are blinds that she can't really get up - he'd put them up.

In our last house we had one of those locks you fit like you see in hotels. Maybe we need one of them again.

TheDuchessofBoxford Wed 29-Jul-15 20:01:34

It's not a good idea and I can see why you might want to make him aware of that but you went about it the wrong way. Saying that you were worried about leaving him alone with his own daughter again due to this silly oversight is ridiculous and I can see why he would be annoyed.

You were both wrong to let this silly argument escalate into such a big deal in front of your daughter.

You should apologise for how you went about it whilst standing by the fact you still think it was a bad idea. Hopefully he will apologise for snapping back at you.

RonaldosAbs Wed 29-Jul-15 20:01:47

Sounds like it all got a bit out of control but I do understand where you're coming from. I'm a more cautious parent and I had similar arguments with him when the kids were small but not so extreme.

Have you tried EMDR for your PTSD? It's wonderful.

everybodysang Wed 29-Jul-15 20:03:38

I was in such a rage that I did think I was being reasonable. It was only as I typed it out here I thought... Oh hang on.

I'm a shitty person, aren't I? He's a really good dad and usually an amazing husband too .

Oh god.

everybodysang Wed 29-Jul-15 20:05:29

Ronaldo, no - is that the eye movement thing? I had common or garden CBT on the NHS which had a huge waiting list and I could only have 6 sessions. It was actually quite helpful but the therapist admitted I needed lots more and we simply had to choose one aspect to work on.

I can't afford private therapy at the moment otherwise I'd be on it like a shot.

Happyringo Wed 29-Jul-15 20:06:57

I'm sure you're not a shitty person OP. You've recognised that your reaction was OTT, and now you can talk it through with DH and DD. flowers

Sirzy Wed 29-Jul-15 20:07:09

Your not a shitty person. Make sure your properly calm, go and give Dd a big hug then go and talk to your dh and apologise to him for over reacting.

vaticancameos Wed 29-Jul-15 20:10:06

I don't think you are that unreasonable. I think he was bloody stupid to do something like that. I wouldn't trust someone to look after a child of mine who showed such a lack of judgement.

oddfodd Wed 29-Jul-15 20:12:04

You're not a shitty person. Apologise to your DH and to your DD.

Sounds like you're having a very tough time. Be kind to yourself x

MrsKCastle Wed 29-Jul-15 20:12:40

Difficult one. I think what your DH did was unacceptable- who introduces a 4 year-old to the idea that open windows can be fun? And I think he should accept that it was a bad idea. But getting into a shouting match about it in front of your DD was also a really bad idea.

You both sound very stressed and angry- you need to find a better way to communicate.

TheRealAmyLee Wed 29-Jul-15 20:19:04

Tbh you both did wrong here. If there is no lock on the window any game that involves playing with windows is a safety risk in my book so I would be mad. HOWEVER you were OTT mad and so was he.

You both need to calm down, apologise to each other and apologise to your DD. Use this as a chance to talk to her about safety. Tell her you overreacted because you were scared for her safety. Talk to her about what that means.

Then buy a windowlock and fit it. Finally suggest "parachutes" is played by throwing things down the stairs instead like I did when I was a kid...

StarlingMurmuration Wed 29-Jul-15 20:28:45

YWBU to shout so much that DD cried - but that goes for both of you. I don't think YWBU to be mad about it the game though, I think it sounds stupid and dangerous.

everybodysang Wed 29-Jul-15 20:35:31

Ok. Have calmed down. Apologised to little DD who told me I had to say sorry to daddy!

Which I have. He's now downstairs cooking.

I do think it was a bloody stupid thing to do but I feel awful for reacting like I did.

DoJo Wed 29-Jul-15 20:54:28

Agree with others, so to summarise:

YANBU for being worried, but YABU for not having window locks that would have made the situation less of an issue as they could play and you could be reassured that she would not be able to recreate it.
YABU for shouting but YAdefNBU or a shitty person for acknowledging this, apologising to your daughter and husband and making amends. Everyone has moments where they over-react or let a knee-jerk reaction get out of control, but the difference between a shitty person and a non-shitty one is how they deal with it and whether they admit their mistakes. Give yourself a break - you have taught your daughter a lesson about how to apologise and make amends for a mistake.

Flashbangandgone Wed 29-Jul-15 22:19:59

YWNBU in my opinion. Encouraging your daughter to lean out of a window on a chair is dangerous and your angry response was justified. Yes, in an ideal world shouting arguments don't happen between parents, but you realise that it's not a great example for your child and don't need posters taking the moral high ground to tell you that.

DixieNormas Wed 29-Jul-15 22:25:06

I used to do the same thing with ds1 at that age with his parachuting action man. His window locked so he wouldnt have been able to hang out at any other time

BumpTheElephant Wed 29-Jul-15 22:58:30

Your poor DD. Sitting sobbing while her parents screamed at each other?? You are both in the wrong.
What he did was lacking in common sense but actually quite a lovely idea, he could've just plonked her in front of the TV. I do agree that games involving open upstairs windows are not a good idea.
YANBU to ask him not to do that again and explain why but you were very unreasonable to start shouting as soon as you came home!
Is your DH usually shouty too? You both need to work on how you communicate as it isn't good for your DD.

BeyondDespairandRepair Wed 29-Jul-15 23:01:34

I am with you op and I am paranoid about windows. 4 is far too young.

also yeah yeah not great parents yelling but hopefully will really inprint on her how serious it is not to lean out windows

BeyondDespairandRepair Wed 29-Jul-15 23:02:26

you know - there isn't much manouvre room here....lean out window too far fall out and die? brain damage broken back if lucky?

IAmNotAMindReader Sat 01-Aug-15 12:31:09

Sadly Beyond it could just as likely enforce the idea that daddy can't be trusted and not to do activities with him in case mummy shouts.
I'm not trying to kick you when you're down op and I know it's really difficult for you but before you react you do need to try to force yourself to delay that reaction long enough to put together a calmer objection. I am aware it will be a supreme effort but you do need to try everything you can. As you have seen it is having an impact on your dd.
Can you go back to your gp and try to get another referral?
In the meantime get a lock for the window to ensure your peace of mind that dd won't be able to access it alone.
While it was a dangerous activity to do alone. She was under the supervision of an adult who had assessed the risks.

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