DH always frustrated. Is he BU or AIBU to be sensitive?

[ToFleaOrNotToFlea]

Hello all, DH seems to always be frustrated in our relationship to the point where he has little outbursts of sulking, moodiness and swearing. The things which particularly set him off are if the house is slightly untidy (it is always pristine). Or if he needs to work in the garden he carries it out with an air of annoyance. He says he cannot relax until things are tidy and jobs are done. When he has these outbursts, it makes me feel like I want to do a number 2 - it chills me and makes me feel on the edge. He knows this but carries on anyway, stating that he is not being unreasonable about being frustrated from time to time.

However, it has really got me down and I always seem to be anticipating his mood. He has said some really mean things that I can't shake off and I feel a bit damaged. He also puts that down to not really meaning it and being frustrated at the time.

So any little outburst of frustration from him will really affect me to the point that I feel I can't be with him anymore. When I confront the behaviour, he just brushes it of as me not being able to deal with adults getting annoyed.

Last weekend, for example, we went to an event and were stuck in traffic. My way of dealing with it would be 'oh well, annoying, but we can't do anything about it' kind of thing.

His reaction was to keep banging the steering wheel, swearing, growling, going on and on about how we always fail, and we should have got up earlier and we are always rubbish. He kept saying he was goin to have a breakdown - and the atmosphere in the car was blue. DS aged 4 was in the back saying nothing, being a good little boy. I said to DH, why don't you walk if you are frustrated and I will drive and meet you there(I had seen on my phone map that we were 1.7 miles away). He spitted that I always say stuff that doesn't mean anything and don't know what I am on about, and how could I expect him to walk on a verge with stingers. He chose to stay in the car and keep complaining that we were missing all the best stuff.

We finally got there and we didn't miss the best stuff, but there was a bit of a walk to the arena. DS is only little and cannot walk fast but I could see DH face getting more and more annoyed as he cannot walk slow.

On the way home, I confronted him about his behaviour and said he behaved like a prick. I know I should not have use that name (but it was the first time I used any insult in 16 years of being together and it was probably the first time I stood up to him).

He did not take kindly to that and rolled his eyes, shut down the conversation and refused to help me navigate home. There were several roads closed and I didn't know where I was going. I asked him if I should go right and he made out he didn't know (with attitude). I proceeded to turn right and it was wrong and he screamed at me (turn fucking left!!!!) luckily DS was sleeping.

A horrible atmosphere followed for a couple of days. I apologised for using the p word. Suggested couples counselling (which was originally his idea but he was now saying he would feel uncomfortable and embarrassed talking in front of a stranger).

I asked him if he wanted something to eat for dinner one evening and he didn't answer me or look at me. I asked him again, he said yes please. I made him the dinner which he was pleased with because afterwards he was hugging me. So confusing, he oscillates from moods to being happy i can't keep up with it.

When I tried to discuss it last night again, he shut it down and made it my problem that people get frustrated from time to time and I am unable to deal with this which is normal. I said it isn't acceptable if it makes me feel terrible and he replied in a sarcastic tone that he was sorry for getting frustrated and disturbing 'your lovely life'.

I know the traffic situation seems minor, but it is just to illustrate. It makes my stomach feel tight and puts me on edge.

Who has the problem? Is it me being sensitive, or is it quite common for partners to behave this way when they are annoyed?

Thanks

[CakeNinja]

He has the problem, he sounds like a volatile arsehole that I wouldn't want my children growing up around.

[DoreenLethal]

What I would tell him is this:


Fuck off with your fucking moods and cuntish behaviour. If you cannot mind your fucking language and aggression in front of me and our child then get the fuck out of this house and go find some other mug to take your despicable behaviour out on.

[JeanSeberg]

How long have you been married? Hopefully you have no kids yet as I'd be dumping him, who needs this in their life?

[Nolim]

Please drag him to counsellig.

[KoalaDownUnder]

He has the problem.

He is abusive and unkind.

I felt so sorry for you, reading that.

[Penfold007]

Your H is an aggressive controlling bully. Your DS will be affected by his behaviour. Are you ready to plan your exit?

[NoraRobertsismyguiltypleasure]

Your H sounds awful to be around and it is not normal to have that level of frustration over minor things.
What does your h do if your little boy is not being 'good'? Does your little boy have to tiptoe around? That is not healthy and he should be what you are focussing on in this situation. He is learning how to treat women from his dad.

[Sighing]

Ex was and still is like this. I'm better off without as are our 2 DD. There were some other factors. But his childish petulance was the route of them all. (So i am biased). If he doesn't want to improve / address it what will you do?

[AdeleDazeem]

He got frustrated because a four year old can't walk as fast?

Your life sounds very stressful. HIBU. An U P-word.

[ollieplimsoles]

Sounds very abusive op,

You should not be walking on eggshells in your own home. Has he always been prone to these moods or is it a recent thing?

[MakeItRain]

The traffic situation doesn't seem minor, it seems awful. I would not put up with that behaviour. You either insist on counselling saying that things must change or you start making plans to leave. You don't need to live with that behaviour

[DoreenLethal]

He isn't going to go to counselling - because he knows he is behaving like a cunt. And it is never recommended for those that are abusive.

Hopefully you have no kids yet as I'd be dumping him, who needs this in their life?

Did you read the actual opening post?

[GloGirl]

I think you should ask for this to be moved to the relationship board and people can help you objectively navigate your way around . do not tell him you are using mumsnet.

He sounds a lot like my mother, I've since discovered this term is call 'gaslighting' - she behaved unreasonably (abusively) and had the true understanding of me that she was always able to twist her words that I doubted myself.

Keep talking outside of your relationship.

Yes, people are entitled to be frustrated. No, they are not entitled to overeact so much it makes you on edge for days, weeks, years.

[Bohemond]

Obviously he is being a cunt.
Is it a new thing or has he always been like this? I ask because my DP was like this for about 6 months and it turned out to be the early stages of diabetes. He has completely changed his diet and is back to the man I love.

[DoreenLethal]

The feeling like going to the loo when he starts is part of your flight or fight mechanism kicking in, incidentally. Your body knows that he is a danger to you and your child, even if your brain hasn't registered or processed this yet.

[Fluffycloudland77]

I'd leave him. He's not normal and he will drag you all down with him.

[arnieschwartzsnogger]

I would give him a very short sharp shock by telling him you've had enough and want a trial separation. Yes, we all get frustrated but mature adults manage their emotions and shouldn't constantly take them out on their nearest and dearest.

He will only change if he wants to and i don't think any amount of 'persuading' by you is going to make any difference. If he thinks he is going to lose you it might give him a shake up.

You were right to call him a prick.

[sooperdooper]

You don't have to put up with this crap, he sounds awful - with the complaining about the house being untidy, well why does he even think that's your responsibility? He's an adult, house work is a joint responsibility

Has he always been like this?

[Mistigri]

Obviously this is completely unacceptable behaviour. How long has he been behaving like this, or has he always been like this?

If it's a recent change then like a PP suggested you need to consider whether there is anything else going on - illness, stress at work, a problem with alcohol (my OH used to behave like this when he was drinking). If there is a problem then he needs to take steps to start sorting it out, because it's not fair on you, and above all because it's not right to expose your child to this sort of behaviour.

[ToFleaOrNotToFlea]

His family joke about the noises he used to make at home so yes it does sound like minor things wind him up. I don't see it as a joke though, I is horrible.

He didn't really start to behave like this until we got married. It got worse as DS arrived.

[CrystalCove]

It sounds like you are living on eggshells, I had an ex like this. This is why he's an ex.

Jeanseberg - OP mentions her DS several times...guess you are commenting on something you haven't read

[oddfodd]

He's not frustrated; he's emotionally abusing you and your DS. You deserve much better. LTB

[BabyGanoush]

Goodness, he sounds really awful.

That car journey sounds hellish, and whilst my DH can be a moody git at times, he would never behave like that!

To be honest, from your OP he sounds awful to live with, I would not want to be in the same room (house, marriage) with someone who thinks it is normal to behave like that.

A friend of mine is married to a very angry man, and her son (now 12) has copied the behaviour. Now she lives with 2 angry men who bang fists into walls, have bad moods that can spoil days out, and stirm off shouting at the slightest provocation.

She is often in tears about what her life has become.

I hate men like this, they poison other people's lives

[woowoo22]

He's abusive OP. Am so sorry.

I could have written your OP 99% word for word when I was with ex h. Horrific, isn't it?

Please report to get thread moved to relationships, lots of great advice there.

[pilates]

Op, part of what you have described (the tidiness) sounds like OCD, the other sounds like bullying behaviour and not healthy for your 4 yr old son. Insulting him once in 16 years is pretty good, bearing in mind the abuse you have put up with. I think I would be giving him an ultimatum, he other gets help for his unreasonable behaviour or you go your separate ways. I would be worried for your son that he will grow up thinking this behaviour is the norm.