aibu to leave DP over things that happened a year ago?

(39 Posts)
YUDOTHIS Sun 19-Jul-15 10:18:01

i have a DD (15months) I had a very up and down pregnancy with DD and and i worked literally until i gave birth (did a 15hr shift the day before i went into labor and then the next day went into labor during my lunch) by about 34wks I was in a rut of going to work, sometimes picking DS up and then going home and passing out in bed as soon as DP could take over. This was pretty much expected, I gave birth to DD and went back to work when she was just weeks old (financial reasons), and we found an ok work life balance that we could live with. Our sex life went down the pan, as also expected but from pretty early on(when dd was a couple months) I tried to salvage it. tmi warning, a couple of months after dd was born I went out and bought some suggestive underwear, tried to woo DP and he burst out laughing and told me to just go to bed sad lots of these sort of things happened and I also tried it on with him almost daily (basically whenever the kids were sleeping and we had nothing else demanding our attention!) rejected. every single time. itd be "im tired" "my back hurts" etc... then my laptop broke, work includes running the work fb page so need access to a laptop, i borrowed dps. Btw DD was bang on 4 months that day. when i clicked on the search bar the most visited web page came up. it was a porn site but not the usual, it was one where you interacted and talked to and could instruct the women on the other end of things (via webcam, i doubt dp cammed back because we have no webcam but still) I went onto this site and scrolled through the cam chats on there, no idea which ones dp watched but still. dear god im crying about it again! on these videos/cams I didn;t see a single woman on there with a hair out of place nevermind one with hairy boobs (ta very much, hormones) stretchmarks and just general flab sadhe was on this site at least every other day btw. im not going to lie this destroyed my self esteem, to this day I cannot walk past a mirror unless i walk very fast and am fully clothed, ive been unable to use a full body mirror since then and have cried myself to sleep over it too many times sad Im starting to hate him for doing this to me and for rejecting me like he did, weve tried talking about it but nope hes about as useful as a chocolate teapot!! "its only porn" I didnt fall down with the last shower of rain if he wanted porn he'd have gone to a porn site,not to a sexy chat site. Would it be unreasonable for me to walk out now, about stuff that happened a year ago?

isupposeitsverynice Sun 19-Jul-15 10:22:23

in a nutshell, no, not unreasonable at all. it doesn't sound like a very happy relationship at all and that's all the justification you need for moving on.

NaiceHamSandwich Sun 19-Jul-15 10:23:18

No. You're free to leave whenever you want to. He has destroyed your self esteem, you have no sex life, he seems very dismissive of your feelings and needs - all grounds to ltb in my book.

VacantExpression Sun 19-Jul-15 10:23:39

I think it would be most reasonable to suggest going somewhere like Relate in the first instance, you have two small children together I think to just leave might be a mistake.
You feel betrayed and your self confidence is through the floor but these are things that can be overcome with time and the right support if you both want to.
He could have had an affair but chose to go somewhere (quite seedy by the sounds of it but) anonymous. This says something to me OP- I hope you can work through this.
But you are DNBU to be hurt, I would feel the same in your shoes flowers and good luck OP.

Back2Two Sun 19-Jul-15 10:25:59

I think it would be quite a sensible thing to walk away from....if you are able to do so without causing yourself too much financial/practical hardship. Emotionally getting away from him will be the start of rebuilding your own self respect and esteem

MamaLazarou Sun 19-Jul-15 10:26:46

YANBU. Could you try to work through it? Does your DH want to?

I'm so sorry.

YUDOTHIS Sun 19-Jul-15 10:27:01

Oh well, I suppose he didn't actually shag someone hmm

PerpendicularVincenzo Sun 19-Jul-15 10:28:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scarydinosaurs Sun 19-Jul-15 10:29:36

He is not a sexual partner to you, sex is hugely important for many women to feel intimate and close with their partners. Withholding sex with you and engaging in sex with strangers is not fair.

I would leave. I could never forgive that. You've tried, but you sound so unhappy, you don't deserve to be unhappy.

RhiWrites Sun 19-Jul-15 10:30:00

He doesn't get a cookie for not having an affair.

I do think relationship counselling could salvage this though. If he's not willing to go to counselling I think you would be better off without him.

YUDOTHIS Sun 19-Jul-15 10:31:34

I've tried talking, screaming, ranting, crying etc, it got me round in circles until i practically emotionally battered an apology out of him (Note, ive never hit him, im worried you guys will take the use of the word battered to the literal meaning) and then he switched back to "its only porn" so clearly isnt actually sorry.

TheWintersmith Sun 19-Jul-15 10:32:22

I think you would not be unreasonable to leave after the 'just go to bed' incident.

Insensitive twat.

No one owes anyone a relationship. He has killed your self esteem, you owe him nothing.

As you can probably tell I'm rather cross for you!

Spartans Sun 19-Jul-15 10:34:32

It depends. Has he made an effort? Have this he improved?

My overwhelming thought is, if you know you can't get over it, Yanbu to leave.

If he was really trying, maybe I could understand you staying. But something's are so bad you just can't get past them

TheWintersmith Sun 19-Jul-15 10:36:35

Plus 'it's only porn'

There are plenty of men and women who feel similarly. You are clearly NOT one of them. So his ' defence' is invalid. It is porn. Porn makes you uncomfortable and you are not ok with it. That is a glaring incompatibility right there without even getting into who is 'right'

If you are struggling with your conscience on this, but in your heart need a valid reason to go, then that is it. You are just no longer compatible.

countryandchickens Sun 19-Jul-15 10:36:53

It might help to separate the two issues here.

His treatment of you (laughing when you tried to make love to him) is unacceptable.

Were you aware of him using pornography beforehand? I know it isn't a very popular view on here but I think use of it amongst men is fairly mainstream (I'm not saying I agree) - what I mean is that if he was making love to you and also using pornography, would you still feel upset?

In other words, is the pornography the problem or his general attitude? flowers

VacantExpression Sun 19-Jul-15 10:37:53

In that case you've done all you can OP and should not let him continue to destroy you in this way. Leave and invest the time and energy you spent trying to salvage things with him in building a new happier life for yourself and your little one.

YUDOTHIS Sun 19-Jul-15 10:39:12

country, its both. ive no problem with porn. I have a problem with him interacting with other women online in a sexual manner. thats more than porn to me, porn itself is fine.

YUDOTHIS Sun 19-Jul-15 10:40:03

by the way, whilst he couldnt cam with them this website has an IM function, allowing non cam users to interact also.

countryandchickens Sun 19-Jul-15 10:41:05

I think you need to make that point to him and I agree. That isn't 'only porn' at all.

YUDOTHIS Sun 19-Jul-15 10:43:02

Yup, ive tried it. He switches between "I just liked a few women on there" and "I didnt interact with anyone" why would you go on a site made for sexual interaction and well... not interact?

countryandchickens Sun 19-Jul-15 10:47:13

You wouldn't smile

I'm right behind you and I can tell you now - better to leave now over something that happened a year ago than leave fifteen years down the line x

Do you have some support?

cailindana Sun 19-Jul-15 10:47:13

It's not 'just' porn is it? He's basically fucked around with other women, not in person but near enough, while rejecting you. Did he pay to use the site?

InTheBox Sun 19-Jul-15 10:48:17

You don't need any other reason to leave a relationship other than "this isn't working for me." So many people stay in unhealthy relationships because they think that things aren't that bad in the big scheme of things or they don't want to break-up their families and so forth.

I agree with RhiWrites's "he doesn't get a cookie for not having an affair." Equally just because he's not physically abusing you every day doesn't mean he's a good partner.

What you describe wrt crying yourself to sleep and inability to look at yourself in a mirror is a massive red flag. He's shot your self-esteem. The problem with this is that it doesn't really have an end point as your boundaries and confidence will slowly erode.

Purplepoodle Sun 19-Jul-15 10:48:51

I would try relate. Very good for clarifying what you want and if you can move forward.

hesterton Sun 19-Jul-15 10:53:20

I think it's very understandable that you didn't leave him then when your baby was so tiny and you were having to deal with going back to work months before most new mums. You have had a tough time and you are well within your rights to gather your thoughts and feelings now some time has passed and you're not as vulnerable, and tell him to sling his nasty, punter hook. There is little difference between what he did and him using prostitutes -paying for real sexual intractions.

As for the body thing, please don't go into self destruct. Our bodies change after babies because they work so hard to keep them safe and that is something to be proud of, having a body which worked so well. Nurture your self worth, don't beat yourself up. There are lots of people out there who would treasure your body regardless of any perceived flaws. Be kind to yourself, please.

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