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AIBU?

To have a favourite child

80 replies

Gwenci · 15/07/2015 08:25

I know iabu but I can't help it.

DD is horrible. She's 22 months which I know is a difficult age but from the very start she's been difficult. As a newborn she cried constantly but hated to be held, wriggling and kicking to be put down.

Now she's a toddler it's even worse. She doesn't talk but instead wails to get what she wants. She'll be doing one thing, decides she wants to do something else and immediately just scream. Like a banshee. As soon as I figure out what the problem is the noise stops. Until the next thing comes up. I hate caving in to the wailing but she just won't communicate any other way.

Other mums laugh at her feistiness and say how funny she is. I smile along but I swear it's starting to grind me down. She fights me on everything - getting dressed, shoes, going in the buggy/walking. I know that's toddler behaviour but this is absolutely constant from the minute she gets up to bedtime. She also hates affection and won't cuddle me or let me kiss her.

To add to this, I've got a 3 month old DS and he is utterly adorable. He barely cries, he's such a happy, contented little soul. When he sees me his face lights up in a massive grin and he gurgles. He loves cuddles but is also happy in his bouncy chair.

DD began this morning crying - stepping up the wailing when I went in to get her and it hasn't really stopped since.

AIBU to just want to hide upstairs and cuddle DS?

OP posts:

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SaucyJack · 15/07/2015 08:28

She's not even 2 yet. You are a meanie.

I do sympathise tho. My DD3 is very similar.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 15/07/2015 08:29

To want to, no. Yanbu.
To actually do it... Probably.

Have you had a chat with hv about dd?
That doesn't seem like normal toddler behaviour.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 15/07/2015 08:29

It's sad that you feel this way. It sounds like your DD is struggling to communicate her needs clearly. Would you maybe consider teaching her some basic makaton signs so she can learn to make her feelings known without screaming? Look at Mr Tumble on CBeebies Something Special or makaton signs on YouTube. Don't use it instead of speech, just as an aid to help you communicate. I know toddles can drive you loopy but she also might be feeling left out with the new baby arrival.

prorsum · 15/07/2015 08:31

I hope you don't get too much of a kicking for this post. It's very difficult dealing with a child whose going through this phase. Sympathies.

TobleroneBoo · 15/07/2015 08:32

I'm sure a lot of people do, my mum clearly favours my brothers but we are all between the ages of 23-28 so she has had plenty of time to decide she doesn't like me.

Think it's a little unfair to compare your 3 month old to a 22 month old, especially if she twigs you are doing it - you'll ruin her for life

ghostyslovesheep · 15/07/2015 08:37

she's a baby and you just had another baby and pushed her out - you have to see it from her point of view. I bet you anything she knows how you feel as well

your son will be a toddler one day and be equally demanding

you need to give her your time and attention and love she's probably utterly confused by the changes

SnakeyMcBadass · 15/07/2015 08:38

Ds2 was like your dd. The first 4 years were bloody hard work. I survived through grim determination and regular pillow screaming. I forced myself to be affectionate towards him when he was being vile and treasured any glimmer of a contented child. He's now 12 and although can still be difficult, he's also loving, funny and laughs a lot.

Gwenci · 15/07/2015 08:40

I know Saucy, I'm an absolutely horrible meanie.

And I know what you mean when you say she's not even two, but equally, I'm a SAHM and 2 years of this has worn me down. Like I said, it's not just her toddler tantrums, she's always been a tricky customer.

AlwaysDancing, we tried sing & sign. She showed no interest and prefers her shouting technique to anything that might actually help her! But yes, I think you're right, she's not as good with her speech as her friends so I think it is a frustration thing.

I know IABU, it's just hard not to be when she greets me in the morning by wailing at me!!

God I sound whingey. Sorry!!

OP posts:

TTWK · 15/07/2015 08:40

By all means make your DS your favourite child, but don't come on here moaning in a few years time when your DD has made her dad her favourite parent!

LadyFenring · 15/07/2015 08:44

I understand OP. If you weren't ground down, and shattered, you wouldn't be posting at all. Some kids are relentless, my DS2 is the same.

Don't feel bad, but try and get some objectivity. Talk to a health visitor, if you have a good one. She is still really little and there is plenty of time for change.

YANBU to feel the way you do. YWBU if it carries on into older childhood. I was/am the favourite, and it drives my siblings crazy

Gwenci · 15/07/2015 08:46

Snakey, thank you. That's really helpful. (I do pillow screaming too!)

Despite how my post sounds I do love DD. And I know I've used a rather inflammatory thread title but for anyone concerned that I'm ruining DD for life, don't worry, I don't treat them any differently. Or love them any differently really I guess. At the moment, DS is just easier to get on with.

OP posts:

BaldricksTurnip · 15/07/2015 08:48

Sympathies OP. It's bloody hard work having a toddler and a baby. At one point I had three under five and even now I don't know how I survived! I think there is a part of you that misses that special one on one time with any baby that's not your first. They tend to get hoovered up into the whirlwind of life with existing children and it can feel hard. It will pass though you know? Could you send DD to nursery for a couple of mornings a week just to give you a break and some time alone with DS? That way maybe you won't resent her being there so much. 22 months is still very tiny in the world, especially when communication is slow in coming. Try and make time for your DD too when DS is sleeping invite her in for a cuddle and a book or whatever she likes to do. I do feel for you though, hugs xx

PosterEh · 15/07/2015 08:49

My dc1 is significantly harder work than my dc2. So I understand where you are coming from. Dc2 is also more affectionate whereas dc1 is more independent. I'm about a year on from you in terms of ages and I think the differences are persisting - but I've realised that dc2 gets more experienced parents. When he tantrums it's easier to laugh them off because his 18m old tantrums are nothing compared to the ones dc1 had at 2.5. And when he is 2.5, I'll be comparing him to the rudeness/stubbornness of a 4yr old.
I've no advice because I'm going through this too but my aim is to make sure that the differences between them are not self-fulfilling prophesies and I'm not reinforcing the idea that one is "better natured" than the other.

Gwenci · 15/07/2015 08:50

Lady, THANK YOU!!! That's totally it! (Relentless is the word!) I love her to pieces but she's bloody hard work and I'm so tired.

And don't worry TTWK, I won't.

OP posts:

AlwaysDancing1234 · 15/07/2015 08:50

My DS and DD never liked sing and sign bit we just use the signs constantly at home like 'drink' 'hungry' 'yes' 'no' 'please/thank you' etc and they pick them up so quickly. It does take a while to break that cycle of screaming to get their own way. I appreciate how hard it is. Can you get support from health visitor maybe?

mughandle · 15/07/2015 08:53

I think you are all being horrible bastards on here.

OP I'm sure isn't literally going to make ds her favourite and ruin her dd. I think it's hard and very overwhelming parenting a new baby and a toddler.

My eldest was also a very unsettled baby and once a toddler, liked his space. When dd came along, she was a very easy and contented baby so of course in your mind you make comparisons. But OP I know intrinsically you don't love your dd any less.

You need help and support and a hug yourself. Not the mean, smug comments on an AIBU thread.

Does your dh give you a break?

DottyCotton · 15/07/2015 08:53

Once they get older their good/bad sides tend to even out and you may find you love/dislike them all the same

SnakeyMcBadass · 15/07/2015 08:54

Some personalities are harder to manage than others. In a way, because ds2 was so difficult, our bond is more complex. I had to really work at finding ways to communicate with him that didn't lead to meltdowns, so I had to spend time on working out what made him tick. Ds1 is a breeze in comparison and an open book. I adore them both, but ds2 is like having twins in terms of parenting input. Hang in there.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/07/2015 08:54

Yanbu to think it.

Ywbu to voice it to anyone in the world or show it in your behaviour.

Ds1 was a very tricky and demanding baby and toddler. He started getting easier as a child. Now he is a teenager we have a fantastic relationship and get on brilliantly. I'd never have believed it from those early years. Hang on in there OP, you'll get there with your dd.

G1veMeStrength · 15/07/2015 08:57

This too shall pass, I promise. Not surprised you are struggling, some children are HARD WORK even though you love them wholeheartedly.
[tea]

G1veMeStrength · 15/07/2015 08:58

oops

Gwenci · 15/07/2015 08:58

Thanks everyone, a lot of this is really helpful.

I honestly feel like DD gets most of my time and attention (she demands it!) DS just placidly gets on with life!

Poster, that's really helpful, thank you. I know what you mean about self-fulfilling prophecy, that's occurred to me too. Thing is, DS genuinely is more calm in nature (I'm not comparing 3 months to 22 months, I'm comparing DD when she was 3 months!) but then people have different personalities.

I think I'm struggling a little because I'd accepted that DD was a feisty, independent, strong-willed little girl who just doesn't like affection. I'd accepted that but now, with DS being so cuddly, it's made me sad that I never had that with DD and still don't.

OP posts:

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LilyMayViolet · 15/07/2015 08:58

Mug? Most people have been very understanding and supportive of op!

Aeroflotgirl · 15/07/2015 08:58

Op I woukd certainly get her checked out by the HV and ask to be referred to a speech therapist. It does not sound like usual toddler behaviour. My dd now 8 was exactly the same, she ASD. So please see a professional.

SnakeyMcBadass · 15/07/2015 09:04

Don't assume that your dd won't be affectionate. My ds was probably 3 before he realised that a cuddle was a good thing. He still looks for cuddles now :) Some kids have to learn everything the hard way, including how to be calm and loving. Keep consistent boundaries, walk away before you lose your rag, praise her like crazy for every tiny positive thing. And something that really helped me was to go and look at him while he was sleeping. No matter how awful he'd been he was always lovable asleep

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