To tell my DM how she is making me feel?

(23 Posts)
Settlingdown Sun 05-Jul-15 10:46:02

Bit of a back story, dp and I got together when we were very young and still living at home. Our dp's got very involved in our relationship and we only really settled when we moved into our own house.
We have recently announced that we will be getting married and ever since DM has been demanding things to be a certain way and we are both getting very frustrated with her. WIBU to tell her this or should I just deal with it?

Euphemia Sun 05-Jul-15 10:54:21

What sort of things is she demanding? Is she paying for the wedding?

TinyManticore Sun 05-Jul-15 10:55:34

Point out, firmly, that it is you getting married, and not her. She is not in charge of how you choose to get married.

Scoobydoo8 Sun 05-Jul-15 10:59:09

Tell her not to worry - you and DP have it all arranged and she only has to turn up on the day. End of.

Arranging weddings can be stressful, having to consider other people's wishes and advice just makes it no fun at all.

Don't discuss it with her.

RachelRagged Sun 05-Jul-15 11:01:38

Tell Her .. . My DM took over my wedding come to think of it.

Fair enough she and Dad paid but ..... Just tell her to back off ,, wish I had.

Magicalmrmistofeles Sun 05-Jul-15 11:03:44

I think if they are paying then they do get to have a say.

Thhis is why we paid for our own wedding, I have VERY different ideas to my mum and wanted the day that I wanted. Took us ages to pay it off but I got the day I wantedsmile

Settlingdown Sun 05-Jul-15 11:04:58

Myself and dp are paying for the wedding sorry to drip feed!

Euphemia Sun 05-Jul-15 11:13:20

You need to be assertive.

Tell her "We have that in hand. We're having/going to/doing x, y, z ...". Stop talking.

Don't explain, don't justify. Just state things as facts.

Hopefully she'll quickly get the message!

Oh, and congrats. smile flowers

ProcrastinatorGeneral Sun 05-Jul-15 11:17:15

Tell her to go get married again herself if she wants to arrange a wedding.

Gemauve Sun 05-Jul-15 11:18:26

Myself and dp are paying for the wedding sorry to drip feed!

Then tell her to fuck off, and that if she says another word to you about it she won't be invited. Easy.

2rebecca Sun 05-Jul-15 11:30:59

She can't "demand" things if you are paying for it and in control of arranging things.
I would see less of her and if she starts "asking" for things make it clear that it's your wedding and the pair of it will be making the decisions. I wouldn't be rude I'd just be firm and if you aren't enjoying her company at the moment just don't see her as much. If you have your own house seeing less of her should be easy.

2rebecca Sun 05-Jul-15 11:31:58

"the pair of you" not it, no idea how that slipped in.

chewymeringue Sun 05-Jul-15 11:32:40

You need to be assertive with her. It's your's and your dp's wedding not hers. If you don't you'll regret it and feel resentful. We have no such issues from parents when planning our wedding but even so we have been under pressure from various other family and friends to do things a certain way. We sat down one night and agreed we were fed up with it. We ditched the previous plans and started to plan a complete different kind of wedding, one that makes us want to shriek with excitement every time we think about it! Then we told people what the plan was without asking for opinions.

ProcrastinatorGeneral Sun 05-Jul-15 11:33:07

I don't even think parents should get to 'have a say' even if they are contributing. They're either making a gift or they're wankers.

2rebecca Sun 05-Jul-15 11:33:36

Stop discussing the wedding arrangements with her as well and be vague if she asks.

Settlingdown Sun 05-Jul-15 14:54:15

Thank you for all of your advice smile I think I'm going to give her a call later and let her know how I feel- so fed up of the stress!!

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sun 05-Jul-15 15:07:46

Stop volunteering information and I'd try deflecting, breezily say "we haven't decide/we're keeping it a surprise/we don't need any help on that". Maybe give her responsibility for researching something that's not important to you?

CigarsofthePharoahs Sun 05-Jul-15 15:15:03

Find her some long winded but relatively inessential tasks?
When my mum starts trying to muscle in on things in my life my stock phrase is 'I've got it in hand!' which I say quite sharply before she's finished talking.
She doesn't mean to be annoying, but does like to organise everyone and everything around her. She doesn't realise how annoying and insulting it can come across.
Or you could appear to agree with what she says... and then go and do your own thing anyway.
Hope it all works out and you have a lovely wedding!

Kundry Sun 05-Jul-15 15:59:04

Give her very little information about what you are doing planning. The more you tell her, the more she can disagree/impose/direct.

Whereas if you never bring up the subject and if she asks you have a large supply of vague deflections she has a lot less to work on:

We haven't decided yet. Oh, I think DP is doing that bit. We've got it in hand. Oh, that's already booked, we can't change it now. I can't remember the details. etc etc etc.

Gemauve Sun 05-Jul-15 16:19:08

We presented our respective parents with a fait acompli: turn up at this time at this location for the ceremony, then at this restaurant at this time for lunch. They had about a month's notice (we'd quietly scoped out their diaries so we knew they weren't on holiday). They had no say whatsoever in the arrangements. It's not hard.

DoreenLethal Sun 05-Jul-15 16:23:08

I wouldn't call her - I'd just deflect and tell her that if she knows too much it won't be a surprise. Then tell her nothing.

thegreylady Sun 05-Jul-15 16:28:43

Just don't discuss it with her. When it is all organised tell her what is arranged. If you want her to contribute something like the cake just ask,"mum it would be great if you could sort the wedding cake." Then give her a free hand with that. Ask her to come dress shopping with you, offer to go with her so she feels included but can't interfere with the big stuff.
When my dd got married I was included as in told what they were doing. I sorted the cake and paid for bridesmaids dresses and dad's dress. We also chipped in some cash as did the in laws.

2rebecca Sun 05-Jul-15 16:30:08

Agree I wouldn't phone her just to moan at her. I'd contact her less not more and if she starts on about the wedding just tell her she doesn't need to worry about it you have it in hand and you'll let her know when you'd like her help. If she gets upset she gets upset. Her choice, you can't control someone else's emotions.
She could just chill and let you get on with it.

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