To be enraged about what my parents have done and not know what to do about it?

(21 Posts)
YoghurtDoggie Sun 05-Jul-15 00:18:44

My parents were both physically and mentally abusive to me as a child and until I left home.

I married in my early twenties and my husband was also mentally and physically abusive. We had one DD who is now 17. From day one I couldn't do anything right as a parent with my DD as far as my parents were concerned and they criticised everything, took over with DD and did things against my wishes, such as weaning her before I wanted to wean her. My mum has often said things to me like "the less said about your parenting, the better".

Eventually split from my ex as he was getting more and more abusive. Parents sided with him and said they liked him and planned to keep in touch.

Have married again and now have two younger children aged 6 and 8. My parents are only interested in DD1 and never have a nice word to say about the younger two.

About a year ago DD1 suddenly left home without warning and moved in part of the time with my parents and part of the time with her father. At this time I decided enough was enough and I went non contact with my parents. It became clear that my parents and my ex had planned DD leaving home and arranged it all.

My parents have subsequently in the past year gone around telling family, friends and anyone else that knows me that DH and I are terrible parents, that we didn't buy DD any school clothes, that we didn't give her any money, and that she was neglected and lots of other things that are untrue. We are far from rolling in money but DD had everything she needed here and a loving home. They also badmouth my two younger children, saying absolutely vile things about them.

What can I do from here? They are telling blatant lies. Is there anything I can do?

littlejohnnydory Sun 05-Jul-15 00:24:30

You need to accept that you can't stop them saying and thinking whatever they choose. They will say these things about you but don't engage, choose not to let it bother you. I had to do the same with my mum and sister and it's liberating when their opinion no longer has any power.

Your relationship with dd1 is another matter. Choose to work on that.

antimatter Sun 05-Jul-15 00:27:19

How do you know about those things your parents said about you?

ThisFenceIsComfy Sun 05-Jul-15 00:28:34

I think you need to completely distance yourself. Try not let the hateful stuff bother you. Harder said than done but know that you are a good person and try to move on each day flowers

madwomanbackintheattic Sun 05-Jul-15 00:29:04

What Dory said. This isn't new as dd1 has lived there for a year. What has your relationship been like with her over the last year?

Concentrate on the important stuff, not people you are already NC with and whose opinion is worthless.

YoghurtDoggie Sun 05-Jul-15 00:29:17

Because people have told me, antimatter

YoghurtDoggie Sun 05-Jul-15 00:32:54

I truly feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown about it all if I'm honest.

IFinishedTheBiscuits Sun 05-Jul-15 00:34:01

littlejohnny, isn't it slander though?

If there was evidence that they were spreading lies I think I'd go to see a solicitor and possibly ask them to write a nice but firm cease and desist letter, or ask them to meet for mediation to discuss the impact it's having and agree on acceptable behaviour.

However, have never been in this situation so not sure if that's the 'done' thing.

chewymeringue Sun 05-Jul-15 00:34:39

How horrible of them!! They sound as though they have no redeeming features whatsoever! Definitely stick with the no contact and do your absolute best to ignore their vitriol completely.

IFinishedTheBiscuits Sun 05-Jul-15 00:42:23

Hopefully people know what they're like, and won't believe them anyway. I never take anyone's word for anything on things like that, I always question whether there is another side to the story and make my own mind up about people.

But it is difficult if you're living in the same area.

madwomanbackintheattic Sun 05-Jul-15 00:47:01

Is dd1 feeding them 'poor me' stories for sympathy and material gain?

antimatter Sun 05-Jul-15 00:55:22

It must be very stressful to hear from others what is being told about you and your family behind your back.

I would consider going to a solicitor and writing a letter.

Aussiemum78 Sun 05-Jul-15 01:05:04

Stay no contact. Focus on your family.

Your old family are punishing you for daring to stop being their victim.

Hopefully once being the golden child wears off, dd will see their abusive ways herself and will remember her mum was always kind, never cruel. She can't see it now - they are probably giving in to all the things mum said no to and she is a teen who is enjoying being spoilt.

Aussiemum78 Sun 05-Jul-15 01:08:02

Maintain contact with your daughter in a way that doesn't involve them. Send letters and photos, invite her to family events, attend school interviews.

Don't react if she ignores it. You are just being constant and leaving the door open to her.

YoghurtDoggie Sun 05-Jul-15 01:09:58

DD comes here to stay every couple of weeks.

She is at sixth form but I'm not allowed to attend any parents evenings as her father has told the school that she doesn't live with me anymore and not to let me book anything. (he told me this btw)

Aussiemum78 Sun 05-Jul-15 01:11:10

When other people tell you these stories just be blunt. I don't need to hear whatever my parents and ex are saying about me. I'm not interested in gossip. I know the truth, I'm not interested in stories etc.

Rise above it.

The easiest person to manipulate is a teen. Even those with great parents think they are hard done by lol.

MooseBeTimeForSummer Sun 05-Jul-15 01:12:07

He's talking bollocks. You still have PR. Let the school know.

Aussiemum78 Sun 05-Jul-15 01:12:42

I'd call the school. Even a non resident parent has a right to be involved and they will hold a separate interview if necessary.

Don't listen to him!

madwomanbackintheattic Sun 05-Jul-15 01:23:52

Yep, schools will run separate interviews in these instances. Very normal. Your ex is talking rubbish.

madwomanbackintheattic Sun 05-Jul-15 01:24:26

How are you and dd getting on?

Topseyt Sun 05-Jul-15 01:34:38

Contact the school. You remain her parent and have parental responsibility too. That surely hasn't changed.

What's the betting that if you go to no school events they all turn it around and say to your DD "see, it's true that your mum didn't want/care about you", so don't leave that option open.

School can use systems like Parentmail to message both parents. Let them know that you certainly haven't legally relinquished your parental rights and responsibilities. Nip that one in the bud now.

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