or is DS1 a selfish arse?

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

Having a little weekend lie-in this morning, with DS2 and DD perched on my bed chatting. I asked DS2 and DD if one of them would like to be so kind as to bring me a cup of tea in bed, which they often do.

DS2 (aged 10) rushed off and made me tea but said the cup was too hot to carry up. (He hasn't ever had a problem with this before, but maybe it was fuller than usual or something?)

I suggested that DS1 (aged 15) could carry it up. DS1 refused point blank, he hates helping me the smell of tea, thinks it gross and won't go near it, he said that if he carries it up the next think I'll be asking him to actually make it and there's no way he's doing that etc.

I asked if he expected a lift to his GF's house as usual today. He said yes, and so I replied that he wouldn't be getting one as he was so unwilling to help me.

He kicked off about how ridiculous I was being, was generally rude and obnoxious, carried on shouting, so I told him to leave my room, forget it and shut the door.

15 mins later I wander down to make myself tea and asked DS2 where the cup was. Turns out DS1 has brought it upstairs and left in on the landing without bothering to tell me it's there.

So now he expects a lift, as he DID bring it up. I refused as it seemed like he had done the bare minimum to ensure he got his way, but I still didn't get my tea!

So AIBU not to bother giving him a lift? BTW, DS2 lent him £3 for a bus, which also annoyed me as I know he won't bother paying DS2 back.

[DoreenLethal]

Drive to his girlfriends without telling him. And without him!

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

love it thank you Doreen!

First time I've laughed this morning. He really gets me down.

[ReginaBlitz]

Make your own tea Ffs, you really expect a 10 yr old to make your tea?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Excellent response, Doreen!

No, YANBU. He's being a selfish twat and if you give in and take him, then he's never going to improve.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

He likes doing it Regina, in fact he and DD often argue over who gets to make it. DD uses the Tassimo as she's only 8 and it is much easier for her than using a kettle, but DS is happy to use the kettle.

I know some people have issues about trusting children to grow up, but I don't think 10 is too young to learn to do some basic kitchen prep, using a kettle/knife etc.

And yes, I could do it myself, but as a lone parent, just sometimes it is nice to have someone do something for me for a change. I spend my life doing stuff for everyone else. Do you never have someone make you tea?

[Birdsgottafly]

How does he "let you down"?

This is nothing, Tbh, if this is the extent of your 15 year old behaving awkwardly, your having it easy.

My DDs are adults, the teen years were hell with my middle one and late teens/early twenties difficult with my eldest.

I'd say that you should still give the lift and don't ask your ten year olive he struggles to carry hot liquids, safely.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

Thanks Thumb. I really wish it were that simple - that if I didn't help him he would learn a lesson. Unfortunately I have spent the last 4-5 years trying to teach him not to be a selfish arse, but it hasn't improved one bit. Sadly I don't think he will learn anything from this, other than his mum is a lazy cow who won't give him a lift even though he was so very helpful this morning!

[Athenaviolet]

If your DCs can't even make their mum the odd cup of tea what's the point?

[Birdsgottafly]

X post, if your children enjoy doing it, then fine.

But teenagers don't alway act like we'd want them to.

I was widowed with three young children, you've just got to get on with it.

[Goshthatsspicy]

My son has been making me tea since he was 10 regina
I have a 16 year old. op if your son insists on having 'grown up' pastimes, he needs to behave like an adult.
Sorry your morning tea was such a faff!

[urterriblemuriel]

YANBU - he is being selfish and stubborn, but then I guess most kids are at some point. He's got added teenage hormones to add to the mix. I would have done exactly the same regarding refusing the lift, but then when finding out about the cup actually being brought up, agree to take him and on the way there explain why you refused in a non confrontational way. When you are both looking forward in the car, you are together but don't have to make eye contact which should help. If he gets defensive, just leave it there. At least you've aired your feelings.

BTW, I don't think its unreasonable to expect an odd cup of tea to be made for you. I used to love doing it for my mum when I was a similar age (& take a biscuit too) one day at the weekend.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

Oh Birds, it's just one long argument. He woke me up drumming this morning, and couldn't understand why I was annoyed. Last night he wanted to make himself pancakes for a snack. I offered to help him make it so that he could learn how, but he refused saying how boring it would be watching me do it, then proceeded to ask constant questions, where is the flour, how many to make, how much of this, how much of that, which bowl to use, what to use to mix it, is the mixture right, how much oil, which sort of oil, where is the oil, how long to cook them, why don't they taste right. I was exhausted by the time he finished!

Then he complained about the rubbish sandwich I'd made him the day before and said why can't I just make what he likes (2 specific fillings). When I explained that I use what I have and that if he didn't like it he could make his own, he got all arsey saying that's my job, why should he have to make his own, nobody he knows has to make their own sandwiches etc.

None of it is major stuff, it's just constant, every single interaction is him wanting something from me and being rude if I want anything from him.

At 9pm last night he said he wanted to start swapping furniture round from his room to DS2 and got cross when I said no. Started an argument about wanting to bleach and dye his hair blue this morning before the tea thing.

[Goshthatsspicy]

To make you feel a bit better, l asked our 16 yr old yo put out the compost/ food bin.
On my word, you'd think l'd asked him to eat it!

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

God I can't believe people are going on about the cup of tea-making! I was making tea and coffee for my parents from the age of 7, it was something I liked to do, made me feel useful and grown up!

MarkRuffalo - don't worry, hopefully he will grow out of it, just stick to your guns - if you stay consistent then there's always a chance he'll realise in later years what you were trying to do.
You could also mention that you're not a mind reader and that he could have told you he'd left the tea outside your room after all...

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

I agree with Regina, get your own tea! Yes, it's nice for the kids to do it, but are you seriously going to deny him his plans today because of some sort of strange entitlement to tea in bed? I mean, he did bring it up. Sorry, you've just brought up memories of my own mother's demands to be treated like some sort of blooming Queen with teas being brought to her - if it's not mother's day, get your own. If you don't want your other son giving bus money, give him a lift, you really seem to be cutting off your nose to spite your face here - do you really want this sort of petty argument with a teen?

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

I pointed out last night that the school shirts he'd had collecting on his floor had just missed the blue wash and that if they'd been in the basket they would be clean today. So next week when he runs out of shirts and starts telling me how useless I am at getting his washing done, he'll know why.

I said that if he cleared off the washing from the line in the bathroom I would put on an extra blue wash tomorrow, but he said no, he's busy, so I said OK, I won't wash them.

He just has no respect and does nothing to help, it's a constant battle.

[Goshthatsspicy]

I feel sorry for you. My Dh is too laid back to forcefully parent a teen boy - but at least he is there.
I imagine your son thinks he is the boss, that isn't uncommon.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

Gosh

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

I don't expect to be treated like a queen, but not like some sort of domestic appliance either.

FWIW, I was treated like a slave by his dad, nothing was ever good enough and it seems I am a total let down to him too.

Maybe this is why it riles me so much. I have left a relationship with a lazy entitled bloke to end up with one still living here!

[Goshthatsspicy]

Another thing. until he was 13, l used to cut my son's hair - easy job as it's curly.
Anyway, one day he decided l could cut it, but " not to look at him while l did it"

[YouTheCat]

He's 15. Tell him his sandwiches/how he gets to his gf's/his washing etc is all now his responsibility.

You'll buy the food and provide a roof over his head.

Seems like the more you give, the more he takes the piss.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Ahhhh. When did you leave his dad? how old was he? obviously old enough that enough of his dad's behaviour rubbed off on him? How did he get on with his dad, does he recognise that he is copying him?

[MrsGentlyBenevolent]

Then he complained about the rubbish sandwich I'd made him the day before and said why can't I just make what he likes (2 specific fillings). When I explained that I use what I have and that if he didn't like it he could make his own, he got all arsey saying that's my job, why should he have to make his own, nobody he knows has to make their own sandwiches etc.

At this point, you put down all sandwich making tools, walk away, and let him do it himself. No argument, no giving in. If he likes it a specific way and you do it 'wrong', then he can make it. I'm you are making a rod for your own back here - I've been there. It's a case of giving himsome independance, not making silly demands of him, but also not giving into his silly demands.

[Hygge]

I think we did some kind of kettle boiling/tea making badge at Brownies when I was about eight or nine.

As long as your kids are tall enough to safely reach the kettle on the counter and pour the water out. I wouldn't want mine balanced on a chair or stool while pouring boiling water, but other than that I think a ten year old should be fine making the odd cup of tea.

Your DS1 was being unreasonable. And he's old enough to make a pancake and a sandwich as well.

[CocktailQueen]

Sympathy to you, op.

Yanbu by the way - you do loads for your dc, I don't see why they can't be expected to do some things for you, e.g. make you a cup of tea.

Part of being in a family and doing things for each othe. My dd was making tea when she was 9. Now she's 11 she's much more stroppy and less keen to make tea, but hey ho.