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AIBU?

To Want a Quickie Sometimes?

31 replies

TiredandSweaty · 04/07/2015 11:23

I've NC for this (I think it's fairly obvious why).

Before it's suggested, this is not a stealth brag because I am genuinely unhappy about it.

Basically, DH takes too long to cum when we have sex. Every time we have sex at the moment it takes at least half an hour and often longer. After I had DS1 he seemed to struggle to finish and I got really paranoid it was because I was 'loose' after having given birth but after a few weeks of doing lots of pelvic floor exercises the problem seemed to go away and I forgot about it.

Then, after having DS2 it started again and again I got quite upset thinking it was because of me. But again I did PF exercises and this time it didn't really seem to help. I wondered whether it was actually because we weren't having sex very often (I was very tired due to DCs not sleeping well and our current living arrangement is a bit awkward for having sex) so DH was masturbating more and was used to a...tighter grip. I suggested this to him (and assured him it wasn't a problem - I have no issue with him masturbating/watching porn etc.). He said it was actually because he's circumcised and has a bit of loss of sensitivity and has problems reaching orgasm when he's alone.

The thing is, it stops me wanting to have sex with him. It's so hot at the moment and these long sessions of sex leave us both so disgustingly sweaty that we're both completely drenched and so is the bed (and no, there's no option of having sex anywhere else at the moment). Plus, the DCs have been getting up at 4.30am recently so when I go to bed I want to go to sleep pretty quickly (I get up with the kids through the week when DH is working and at the weekend we each have a lie-in one day).

It also makes me feel unattractive. I tell myself he can't help it and it's nothing to do with me but I after two kids my body has changed and I don't feel as confident as I used to and when I can't even make my husband cum it knocks my confidence further!

I don't know what I'm looking for here because I know it's not his fault and there's not much we can do but AIBU to just want to have a quick 10 minutes of passion and then go to sleep every now and then?

OP posts:

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VixxFace · 04/07/2015 11:25

Can you give him manual or oral stimulation until he's about to cum and then hop on.

TiredandSweaty · 04/07/2015 11:31

Can you give him manual or oral stimulation until he's about to cum and then hop on.

It takes just as long and I really hate giving oral. I find it harder work than sex (and I don't think I just lie there or anything) because it's awkward and I end up with a sore neck and jaw. He's actually always taken a very long time with oral. That's not a recent thing. It might be partly due to my technique. I always worry I'm going to catch him with my teeth and find the whole thing very uncomfortable and awkward!

OP posts:

Lucked · 04/07/2015 11:36

My husband makes every session prolonged as well, he just isn't a fan of the quickie and takes offence when I suggest it. I agree it means less sex.

FadedRed · 04/07/2015 12:10

There was a thread on very recently of a similar nature and a link to a webpage, something about masturbating technique being causal and how to overcome it. I cannot remember the topic title but you might like to try a search. The webpage was something like 'death grip'

BettyCatKitten · 04/07/2015 12:14

Have you tried different positions? If I get too hot and sweaty I go on all fours a la doggy style and this helps to speed things up!

HappySeven · 04/07/2015 12:25

I should name change but I can't be bothered. It could be me writing your OP although to add to the problem I find sex quite painful (always have and have had numerous investigations) so the longer it lasts the worse I find it. The pain was reduced after my 2nd and although I should do pelvic floor exercises I'm loath to in case it makes it worse again. I often feel guilty and our sex life is pretty non-existent (once a month probably).

I wonder whether my DH's keenness on cycling exacerbates the problem although he's been like this for nearly 20 years.

If you find a solution please tell me.

HappySeven · 04/07/2015 12:29

Thanks to Faded I've just found this

Bakeoffcake · 04/07/2015 12:33

Sorry Happy, but what's your DH's passion for cycling got to do with sex?

HappySeven · 04/07/2015 12:35

Sorry, Bake, that must have sounded very random! Cycling is associated with impotence because of the pressure on the perineum.

FarFromAnyRoad · 04/07/2015 12:41

'Cum' is the singlemost disgusting and juvenile word imagineable and YABU about everything just for using it.

Bakeoffcake · 04/07/2015 12:59

Thanks Happy. I didn't know that!

Ilovetorrentialrain · 04/07/2015 13:00

Tired YANBU. Not sure if you're looking for suggestions so ignore me if not but... have you tried lots of 'build up' throughout the day (explicit text messages, whisper in his ear etc), so that things are a bit more... explosive and urgent later on?

Might work.

GhettoFabulous · 04/07/2015 13:02

A bit of the old Stinky pinkie can work, if you're both into that sort of thing.

BettyCatKitten · 04/07/2015 13:20

Stinky pinkie . Not my thing!

Raxacoricofallapatorius · 04/07/2015 13:29

My DH doesn't struggle but he takes his time iyswim. I don't think its ever lasted less than half an hour. Having only ever been with DH, I always assumed this was normal.

DH is also a v keen cyclist and yes, it does have an effect. It can also cause problems post vasectomy. DH took months and months to recover and still has problems. One of the reasons Lance Armstrong didn't realise he had testicular cancer straightaway was because that amount of cycling causes swelling and lumps and bumps anyway.

I'm sorry I have no advice. I'm sure that you've found nothing makes much of a difference. Not how turned on he is or how much he's stimulated beforehand. Doesn't make a difference here either.

TiredandSweaty · 04/07/2015 13:34

BettyCatKitten, lots of positions. DH tends to swap about quite a bit when he's trying to finish.

FadedRed and HappySeven, I'll have a look at the link later. Thanks.

Sorry, FarFromAnyRoad! Haha. I was trying not to sound too airy fairy but 'ejaculate' sounds very clinical.

Ilovetorrentialrain, yeah I've tried sending him messages whilst he's at work. Last night - despite my confidence issues - I put on a sexy...thing (no idea what it's called - some lacy shit), which he's absolutely loved in the past but it was still a 35 minutes session.

GhettoFabulous, I don't think he'd be up for that.

OP posts:

Radicalrooster · 04/07/2015 13:35

Some guys just take longer than others to ejaculate during sex. Nothing much we can do about it. Sometimes we just want a quickie as well, and then and it turns into a bit of a marathon.

Not an awful problem to have, by any means. But yeah, a bit irritating for my wife i suspect.

TiredandSweaty · 04/07/2015 13:44

Hang on a minute, DH cycles several miles to (and then back from) the station when he goes to work every weekday. So, this could be causing it??

That never occurred to me.

OP posts:

BettyCatKitten · 04/07/2015 13:49

Op this probably won't be very popular with your DH, but perhaps you should practice abstinence for a few weeks, including masturbation, to see if he can re-set the pattern? Just an idea, also the death grip theory upthread is very interesting. Perhaps he has become somewhat de-sensitised.

EllieFAntspoo · 04/07/2015 13:58

Have you thought about getting a gardener? jk
Or a rabbit?

LHReturns · 04/07/2015 14:49

I also can't be bothered to name change but could have written the OP! Definitely not a boast, I feel your pain!!

My DP is not a cyclist but I am a firm believer that 'death grip' masturbation is closely linked to delayed ejaculation. He would love to come faster but he can't...very stressful job, a lot of pressure, special masturbation style blah blah blah.

Anyway, if I want a quickie I get a quickie and frankly he can finish himself off in the shower (I am long out of the house by then)...I am very supportive of him masturbating, better that then some other woman. And for us if we want to speed him up, our best approach is a position where I can squeeze his balls VERY tightly at same time...reverse cowgirl basically. Still not QUICK but much QUICKER!!

Raxacoricofallapatorius · 04/07/2015 16:47

I'm sure the cycling didn't cause it tbh but there's a chance it doesn't help. DH works 30 miles away so cycles a 60 mile round trip every day and he does triathlons in his spare time. He is permanently attached to his bike. It does have an effect.

DH doesn't masturbate solo (yeah, yeah I know, deluded wife. I wouldn't care if he did to be frank, he just doesn't get much out of it. Said he'd be there for 45 minutes and, um, he'd rather be on his bike ).

I think that some men are just made that way and there are probably contributory factors.

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inchoccyheaven · 04/07/2015 22:57

It sounds as if you don't really enjoy the sex very much. Are you fulfilled and satisfied during that time or are you focusing so much on him orgasming its putting you off?
I don't think half hour is long but then I'm in a same sex relationship now and it's different to when I was with exh. Half hour before was average but now is a quickie!!

WhereAreMyDragons · 04/07/2015 23:06

OP please don't think I'm trivialising your situation, but my dh was like this a few years ago but then seemed to switch overnight and went completely in the opposite direction, he came too quickly.
This has been going on for nearly 7 years now and I don't know what to do about it... its not very easy either way

WhereAreMyDragons · 04/07/2015 23:07

Just re read my post....7 years obviously seems like a few years ago...I only know because it was just before I got pregnant

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