To ask what your Mother/Daughter relationship is like with your Mother

(107 Posts)
RachelRagged Mon 29-Jun-15 09:03:14

Hi

From as long as I remember me and Mum have not got on. We get on on the whole, I love her, she loves me, but .....
Example. Friday she came over and brought me some provisions, which I am grateful for . Some was fruit So "Where is the fruit bowl I bought you?" By the TV Mum said I.. Next thing its been moved elsewhere in living room ! She also gets irked at my pets, my children and my garden . I just feel like saying "Its my home, my pets and kids and MY GARDEN!" However she tends to turn things round like she is the victim !
Another is she has to be in control at all times. She sees it as "caring" , I see it as suffocating . I am 48 years old not 8.

On her plus side she is kind, generous and very giving ... I just don't see it getting any better as everytime I pull her up I get "Oh I won't bother anymore then, get on with it" . I would LOVE too "get on with it" but not allowed ! Its starting to get to Me . .Even my Dad and Sister have fallen out with her over her control kind of issues in the past.

Anyone else have issues with Mum?? Or Dad I guess ,, but my Dad is laid back, minds his own and is generally all together different to Mum . So as not to drip feed I did feel sad Friday , Group of us went out and when we got back I said I am much more like my Auntie, Auntie agreed.. My Daughter said I am completely different to Mum .. Mum said "You are kind like Me" then added "Come on , there must be more" There is not sad sad

FoofItHigh Mon 29-Jun-15 09:44:13

Have been NC for 25 years.

littlefrenchonion Mon 29-Jun-15 09:48:09

I get the suffocating thing completely.

My mum does perfectly nice, well meaning things but sometimes they are quite irritating. Example:

Came over to ours, clearly decided our perfectly nice sofa needed replacing and sent me an email the next day to say she'd bought us a second hand one on eBay and could we go collect it that night because the lady was expecting us (it was hideous).

Rearranges our cupboards when she comes over, we can never find anything.

Has a panic attack if we take mine and DH's Ddog out for a walk and she goes up to another dog to say hello - goes into "DDOG NO! GET BACK HERE! SHIT THEY ARE GOING TO FIGHT!" overdrive hmm no mum they are playing! Leave her to it!

Turned up to help us set up our wedding with literally hundreds of Pansies in pots (she really likes gardening....). The florist was a bit confused, as was I!

Finally - massive embarrassing over-shares on FB when commenting on my pictures eg.. Writing about how I used to get thrush as a child in response to a status I posted about dd1 and nappy changes. Thanks mum!

So, all well meaning but then she also does things like tell me she didn't want me when I was born. Said in a 'I know how hard it is to be a new mum' kind of way but it still cuts deep.

Like you, we get on on the whole but I can't spend long with her before I start cracking up.

MamaLazarou Mon 29-Jun-15 09:48:26

She is like a self-centred child who revels in sniping, demoralising comments. I tolerate her for the sake of DS but dread spending time with her. I worry that it's too late for her to change now.

littlefrenchonion Mon 29-Jun-15 09:48:33

Wow that was long! Sorry!

Handsoffmysweets Mon 29-Jun-15 09:52:11

I am so thankful for the Mum I have. We have a great relationship and she's a fab DG. There when I need her, backs off when I don't (in other words, not interfering as I read so often on here). She's always been super chilled and growing up so many of my friends commented on what a fun DM I had. I realise that I am lucky however because over the years I have lost count of the friends who have had absolute bat shit crazy mums who seem to have underlying jealously/competitive issues with their daughters. It's very very strange.

If we are talking about turning things round to become the victim OP, I can absolutely sympathise. My SIL is an absolute pro at it.

RachelRagged Mon 29-Jun-15 09:55:26

LOLL Don't be sorry littlefrenchonion . I feel for You , I really do. . The sofa thing ? omg I don't know if I would be miffed or bemused, probably both.
As for telling you she didn't want you when you were born ?! OMG.

Many of my issues stem from my Mum I think. As a teen I never "rebelled" due to fear of how she would react . . Once we had a major argument and I yelled at her "Well, I could barely breathe without you knowing where I was as a kid/teen ,DON'T do it now!" She never spoke to me for 3 weeks .. which I actually liked !

RachelRagged Mon 29-Jun-15 09:57:28

Handsoffmysweets

Oh Yes, she is good at turning it round to be "poor me". Once my cousin fell out with her and emailed me saying "Rach, I just want to tell you my side (which she did) then added "problem with your Mum is its her way or the highway"> . Cousin had it spot on.

Lariflete Mon 29-Jun-15 10:02:03

I tolerate my mother because she adores my children and is a good grandmother. But, she is an appalling mother.

She is suffocating and overbearing, and, since joining MN, I have realised that she has been EA to me for pretty much my whole life.

I remember crying at my best friends wedding (when we got back to the hotel room) to DH that I wish my family liked me as much as BF's family liked her.

I feel utterly envious of the majority of my friends who have really good relationships with their mothers. sad

Lariflete Mon 29-Jun-15 10:05:23

Her way or the highway! I completely get that OP!!

UpUpAndAway123 Mon 29-Jun-15 10:07:36

My own mum was my best friend and we rarely fell out. She unfortunately died earlier this year.
My MIL is another kettle of fish. As pp states, she is also good at becoming the victim and is a complete martyr (this isn't just MIL issues, my DH and SIL agree!). In other ways she is lovely though and adores my children. Sometimes you just have to put up with the bad to get the good (obviously not applicable to every situation depending on what the bad is!)

RachelRagged Mon 29-Jun-15 10:10:18

Feel shitty now .. She just rung Me and nice as pie , , one of her good days. lol.

It does make her sad though I must say. Her best friend gets on fabulously with her daughter, as do I with mine . Mum has said "I wish we were more like J and A , I am kind of jealous of their bond" . That upset Me a bit too

ChocolateBreakfastBalls Mon 29-Jun-15 10:10:22

My mum is wonderful, but we are, by our own admission, far too similar and this has caused ructions throughout my life. At the moment we are generally very good, we don't row as much, but I resent her telling me to "just get on with it" about anything that's upsetting me. It has forever been thus, she thinks she's very supportive and practically she is, but she won't just let me moan about things that piss me off, she has to tell me to get over it. Why can't I just have the rant? Worst bit is she wouldn't put up with the things that upset me herself but I should?!

I love her to bits though, she's my very best friend and as an only child I dread her getting older.

twirlypoo Mon 29-Jun-15 10:11:44

My my told me regularly as a child that mums prefer their sons but that was ok as my dad preferred me. I grew up honestly thinking she really disliked me, I actually still think she did. She says I was a difficult child.

I was also sexually abused as a child by a child they fostered, when j told her she said she had never had a fostering placement fail and was not about to start now - so I went to boarding school. She has no memory of this now.

As an adult we are close, but have frequent fall outs. I had a years psychotherapy to try and come to terms with it all but am not really much further forward!

RachelRagged Mon 29-Jun-15 10:13:45

Rant to Me if need be ChocolateBreakfastBalls

I have the opposite. . I have depression and she tries to understand, makes excuses when I snap at her "Oh its the illness" etc but I am trying to make a point and its swept under carpet as "the illness".

Shnickyshnackers Mon 29-Jun-15 10:14:27

I don't get on with my mum, I can't quite put my finger on the reason, we're not close and trying to be close feels totally fake to me.

RachelRagged Mon 29-Jun-15 10:17:21

twirlypoo Mon 29-Jun-15 10:11:44

My my told me regularly as a child that mums prefer their sons but that was ok as my dad preferred me. I grew up honestly thinking she really disliked me, I actually still think she did. She says I was a difficult child.

sad

I was also sexually abused as a child by a child they fostered, when j told her she said she had never had a fostering placement fail and was not about to start now - so I went to boarding school. She has no memory of this now.

THAT is shocking ! OMG.

As an adult we are close, but have frequent fall outs. I had a years psychotherapy to try and come to terms with it all but am not really much further forward!

Yes, I am awaiting counseling myself , not just over my Mum but many issues. Thing is, I was in a DV relationship for years, he was controlling. Had huge row beginning of the year with her and accussed her of being as controlling as He was. She done her nut .. starts telling Me it would be best if my kids were taken away etc. . I gave as good as I got , we both hurt each other with words.

Floralnomad Mon 29-Jun-15 10:17:53

My mum is fantastic ,she's got lots of health problems and is quite immobile now but we still do loads of stuff together and me and my dd call in most days . Both my DC have a lovely relationship with her - ds(22) stayed at hers last night to have a film night .My dad died 25 yrs ago and I think that has made us closer as adults as my DH does all her DIY etc.

RachelRagged Mon 29-Jun-15 10:20:22

That is lovely Floralnomad

I do wish it wasdifferent but that is the crux .. We ARE different .. As a result of feeling restricted as a child/teen I am the opposite with my children. It is THEIR life to live ,,, I feel I never lived mine .

Muppetme Mon 29-Jun-15 10:24:49

My mother was and still is completely uninvolved. She exists in the family but everyone has always treated her as a stroppy teen. She was never there for me and I fear her outbursts. Apparently it's all because I was a serious, unloving and affected child.

StayWithMe Mon 29-Jun-15 10:29:23

I'm NC with mine, but my wee mil was wonderful. I really miss her. Actually quite tearful thinking about wee mil.

PooSweats84 Mon 29-Jun-15 10:31:53

My Mother is a complete shit, she wants to know everything going on in my life without actually taking any active part in it because she has my 2 sisters and their 2 kids to keep her busy enough and apparently I don't need her like they do, because I am happily married to the father of my 2 (almost 3) children and didn't shag the first thing that came along in order to get up the duff for a council flat! I'm largely nc unless she texts me very occasionally wanting to be nosy and then I just politely tell her to piss off and she disappears under her rock again for a few months.

SaucyJack Mon 29-Jun-15 10:33:54

What MamaLazarou said.....

My mum is an immature, judgemental, spiteful, brat with a shark-toothed grin who actively enjoys trying to put me and my brother down in front of people.

She's a good grandmother and always does the decent thing. She just can't seem to be pleasant about it.

I always used to think she was controlling, but she actually has very little interest in my life- unless I'm drinking alcohol or doing something else she thinks is beneath her.

Every time we get back from seeing her I beg DP to shoot me when I start turning into her.

Squitten Mon 29-Jun-15 10:35:15

My mother is an extremely selfish person. She has a massive chip on her shoulder about her life not turning out how she had planned (due to massively controlling parents and a rubbish first marriage). After she divorced my Dad she went from man to man, getting hugely financially wrecked in the process. EVERYTHING is someone else's fault but she seems to prostrate herself before the first man she can cling onto and makes stupid choices.

I think on some level she resents me having a more successful life but I am the only family member she ever speaks to regularly - until she needed money and got some from all her siblings for which she never thanked anybody, let alone paid anyone back. My brother avoids her completely but she phones me all the time and visits once a month.

I find her very hard work and, even worse, find myself sounding and acting like her sometimes. I'm trying to stop that - I want to be a better mother for my kids!

MrsV2012 Mon 29-Jun-15 10:36:23

Our rship is terrible, we don't speak. She sometimes tries to contact me, but I've long given up on having a Rship with her, she doesn't know where I live, and never will.
She's had MH issues since the 90's. Her illness made her a bitter, paranoid, very nasty person. When she was on medication, she started to be a bit more like the Mum I knew as a child, but she would just stop her meds every couple of months, and go back to being unbearable. She refuses medication totally now, so i don't have her in my life, or the lives of my DCs.

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