To worry about a lie?

(20 Posts)
grassneedscutting Sun 28-Jun-15 10:13:31

I've told a lie. A 100% white lie which hurts no one. I am the only person that knows the truth and I know the truth will never come out. Even at 48 I hate that I'm worried about the 'swear on so-and-so' that will inevitably come. The fall out from the truth would hurt someone very much, and cause lasting damage. So AIBU to worry about telling the lie or do I just need to man up and accept that it's done and I did it for the best reason?
Would really appreciate some opinions.

CrystalHaze Sun 28-Jun-15 10:19:03

It's difficult to know, without knowing what was said or why. '100% white lie' and 'The fall out from the truth would hurt someone very much, and cause lasting damage' don't really match up for me. I interpret a white lie as being 'no, you don't look like you've put an ounce on' when someone is visibly heavier, not something connected to a situation that can cause long-term hurt.

You've missed a third option from the end of your post: come clean and get it all out in the open.

chickenfuckingpox Sun 28-Jun-15 10:24:23

tell us it might help you deal with it xxx flowers its not like we can judge you we don't know you!

cozietoesie Sun 28-Jun-15 10:26:56

As Crystal said, your descriptions don't match so it's difficult to know. I'm OK with white lies in the sense of eg covering up for surprise birthday or Xmas presents but I don't lie in other circumstances: if in difficulty, I don't say anything - so what you should do or feel would depend on the real circumstances I think.

grassneedscutting Sun 28-Jun-15 10:26:58

Hate drip feeding but appreciate some background might help. Someone did something without realising the implications. I have lied about this to protect that person. That person will never know they did the 'wrong' thing. Coming clean is not an option as it would hurt them both immeasurably. I am caught in the middle and chose one course of action in the heat of the moment and can't change now.

CrystalHaze Sun 28-Jun-15 10:30:46

So if you're the only person who knows, why would it ever come out? And if no one else knows why would anyone ask you to 'swear on so and so', which you say is inevitable? How can someone ask you about something they don't know happened? confused

tiggytape Sun 28-Jun-15 10:32:25

The only white lie I can think of that would cause a lot of hurt if it came out but is still probably just about a white lie is something like "Uncle Eric said that he loved you just before he died" when in fact Uncle Eric said nothing of the sort. So a big deal yes but but for good reasons and no possibly of the truth coming out and causing a lot of pain.

Apart from that I am pretty sure every lie that has the potential to cause hurt isn't a white lie at all and even if done with good intentions, you will probably have to consider coming clean if if has the power to affect someone else's life as you imply and if it might come out or if one day you may get drunk / upset / concussed and confess all.

FenellaFellorick Sun 28-Jun-15 10:32:26

Is it currently an issue? Are you being asked about it? Will you be in the future? Are you going to need to repeat the lie or is it done and dusted never to be relevant again?

cozietoesie Sun 28-Jun-15 10:35:30

Lies 'fester' in my experience. I'm not saying they inevitably breed but it's usually a very slippery slope indeed telling one and not coming clean at some early point.

FenellaFellorick Sun 28-Jun-15 10:36:08

The truth would hurt 2 people but the lie avoids 2 people being hurt? Or 1 person is hurt regardless but 1 person is protected from the consequences of their actions? &

grassneedscutting Sun 28-Jun-15 10:37:06

I won't need to repeat the lie, or remember what I said. In a few days it won't matter but if I came clean it would hurt people now and that would last a lot longer.

tiggytape Sun 28-Jun-15 10:37:26

Someone did something without realising the implications.

In that case I'd say there is a chance they'd find out or work it out for themselves or even that they know already and just want you to reassure them (but know you're lying).
If it was a medical type thing where they did their best but made it worse, they are bound to discover one day they did the wrong thing. And ditto any legal or family or child related thing too - if they did something that caused harm unintentionally I don't see how they won't discover at some stage that they did the wrong thing.
And also why lie? Making a bad decision for good reasons is something a lot of people live with. Of course we'd like to get it right all of the time but we all make mistakes. My guess is deep down they must already know the truth else there wouldn't be a chance of them making you swear to it - you only do that when you are doubtful already.

karbonfootprint Sun 28-Jun-15 10:39:22

sounds like you are more emotionally involved with this person, than with the actual lie.

whois Sun 28-Jun-15 10:39:52

If you won't need to remember it or repeat it, and no one else can know - then I would stay quiet and forget about it.

FenellaFellorick Sun 28-Jun-15 10:41:37

So what will you do if the person who did this things realises it was the wrong thing or talks about it not knowing they did the wrong thing? Or does it again because they think it was the right thing?

Turnipsandtrumpets2u Sun 28-Jun-15 10:43:36

Try and forget it
You did what you thought was right

grassneedscutting Sun 28-Jun-15 10:48:56

Thetruth would hurt 2 people but the lie avoids 2 people being hurt?
^This
My issue if you like, is with actually lying.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll Sun 28-Jun-15 10:54:39

This is difficult without knowing what You've lied about .

And this won't help you but a relative or mine could potentially lose their job because of a lie. It's not for certain that they'll be believed when they are actually telling the truth. It could very well turn out that the lie is believed instead and the consequences would be disastrous.

I think on some level this person you're protecting knows they've wrong. And if they don't know then eventually they will.

FenellaFellorick Sun 28-Jun-15 10:56:13

Well, it was your choice to lie. You probably just have to accept that the price you pay for taking it upon yourself to decide that 2 people shouldn't know the truth of their situation is that you feel bad.

Or you could say ok, I did what I thought was best, I was trying to avoid other people feeling bad, my motivation was good, It's not a terrible thing and I'm ok with it.

I guess you have to ask yourself it it was your right or your place to control that information. If you feel itwas then thathat's ok. If you feel it wasn't then chalk it up to experience and maybe do it differently in future.

There's no point beating yourself up. You did what you thought was best.

grassneedscutting Sun 28-Jun-15 11:20:30

Fenella thank you - everything in your last post makes sense and has allowed me to accept that it's done now, I need to move on but think very carefully should I ever be in this position again.

Cozie - when in doubt say nothing is a good adage!

Thanks everyone - I've got some perspective on things thanks to your time and comments flowers

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