Grand daughter trouble

(51 Posts)
MissHavisham1984 Mon 22-Jun-15 13:01:19

Our son and his wife split up 3 years ago because of her constant debt. The 2 daughters live with their father and his new partner in a stable, loving home. Recently, the 14 year old has been going through a stroppy teenager phase which resulted in homework not done, arguments, shouting culminating with 14 year old going to stay with her mother. Mother lives in chaotic and squalid circumstances, no discipline, daughter allowed do as she like. Of course, this suits her admirably and she has gone from a loving girl to the teenager from hell. As grannie, we want to help and it's hard to see our son, who was the prime parent, in despair. What can we do?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream Mon 22-Jun-15 13:19:50

In a word, nothing. Surely you understand the girl needs to spend time with her mother? Your son and his ex need to sort out discipline between them. You'll have to butt out I'm afraid.

saturnvista Mon 22-Jun-15 13:22:59

I don't think you can do anything. For better or for worse, you grand daughter has two parents who must work together to raise her. Your son must be frustrated and sad about this, but all you can do is support him. Never show disapproval of your grand daughter's mum, whatever you do. For what it's worth, the bad behaviour didn't sound so much bad as part of being 14.

Have you been in your ex daughter in law's home? How do you know it's squalid?

saturnvista Mon 22-Jun-15 13:25:08

One other thought. I wouldn't be so quick to write off the home life your granddaughter is receiving. Obviously it's less than perfect, but she does need to be with her mother and have a chance to develop that relationship. There may be some good stuff going on that you don't know about in that home - and I'm sure her dad isn't perfect because no parent is.

MrsGentlyBenevolent Mon 22-Jun-15 13:25:55

Is this a bad reverse? Keep out of it, unless there's abuse, she has a perfect right to see her mum. Teenagers are hard work, your son will just have to learn to cope and even compromise with the situation. Not you. You are just her grandmother.

LadyMaryofDownton Mon 22-Jun-15 13:26:06

So it got to hard to cope with a stropy teenager so she was shipped of to her God awful Mother?

CrystalHaze Mon 22-Jun-15 13:29:07

Is this a bad reverse?

It's an interesting first/NC-ed post, and a very brave one, given the flak MILs get on here. Unless that's the point ... wink

Denimwithdenim00 Mon 22-Jun-15 13:29:17

Nothing except be a sounding board for all involved and especially to be there for your grand daughter. Above all don't criticise her mother.

Of course it must be hard op.

Socalled Mon 22-Jun-15 13:32:48

It's difficult for you and your son, but you can't do anything other than keep the lines of communication open with everyone. How long has your granddaughter been living with her mother? It's perfectly possible that, under the surface, the lack of boundaries in fact makes her uneasy at some level, too, which is why she is acting out, especially if she is used to a more structured home environment. Does she see her father at all now?

Denimwithdenim00 Mon 22-Jun-15 13:33:54

Btw op if you are genuinely concerned about your GC and why wouldn't you be please don't be out off with the usual ' you have to be a mil from hell' unless it honestly applies to you.

Extended Families are actually allowed to care for youngsters they genuinely love.

MissHavisham1984 Mon 22-Jun-15 13:50:57

I have never shown disapproval of mum and we are on good terms. She will only communicate with dad by text. I've seen it, it's squalid. She wasn't "shipped off " she just left. I appreciate the fact I have to stand back but I want to know how to deal with grand daughter when I see her. She hasn't been with mum for long, and has always seen her regularly, even when she was reluctant to go.

Lavenderice Mon 22-Jun-15 13:55:45

I find your phrasing a bit odd here - "the daughters", "the 14 year old" as opposed to 'my granddaughter' etc.

Is there something you're not saying?

bloodyteenagers Mon 22-Jun-15 13:59:43

Teenage rebellion. Wonderful years.
Made worse by the interfering grandmother from hell. Drove a huge wedge, split up the family. Why don't you come here. Your mum is x,y and z.. It's so much nicer here. I could go in.

Until mum asks for help don't interfere. You don't actually know that she can do whatever she wants.
Teens lie. They rebel. You give them ground rules and they ignore. They play ignorance at being told about the rules.

ollieplimsoles Mon 22-Jun-15 14:03:52

Sorry but your son let his 14 year old daughter just leave? She's a child, teenagers are hard work yes and she should be seeing her mother.

But the house/ mother cant be that bad because her dad is letting her stay there. I wouldn't let my child live in a squalid house.

diddl Mon 22-Jun-15 14:09:18

" I want to know how to deal with grand daughter when I see her."

Why would you need to deal with her at all?

Surely you just treat her the same as you always have?

This is for her mum, dad & her to sort out.

Denimwithdenim00 Mon 22-Jun-15 14:11:33

Lot of projection there bloodyTeenagers hmm

Op so you are in good terms with mum? What does she think about her dds behaviour? How is She at school?

Squalid is a bit subjective isn't it to be fair? One persons dirty is another's messy clutter. Unless it's unfit to live in then park that.

Who suggested she had been shipped off up thread. Don't be ridiculous.

Op just try to keep all communications open here. 14 is tte worst age I think! It was for my 4.

Denimwithdenim00 Mon 22-Jun-15 14:14:17

diddl I imagine the op just wants to know how best to support her granddaughter and how best to help?

I agree with you though treat/love as normal.

Mrsjayy Mon 22-Jun-15 14:35:20

I second what Dawndonna said 14 is a hellish age ime its midteen they dont want rules push at boundries etc etc just treat your gd as you always did she has chosen to go to her mum where she thinks and probably will get her own way but i think she will get bored of it and go back to her dads

Mrsjayy Mon 22-Jun-15 14:37:34

Oops dawndonna didnt say anything but denimwithdenim00 did i agree with them blush

diddl Mon 22-Jun-15 14:41:47

Has anything changed to make her attitude change?

I can understand that there are certain things that she wants her mum for, but if she is happy with her dad & sees her mum regularly, then moving out seems extreme.

Bullying/boyfriend troubles?

I know that teens can get "stroppy", but that doesn't always lead to shouting, arguments, not doing homework & moving out!

scarlets Mon 22-Jun-15 14:42:51

Just be available as a sounding board. That's all you can do. Be supportive of your ex DiL too - she sounds as if she may need it. Always remember that she's the mother of your grandchild, not an irritant to be "dealt with". Stay on good terms with everyone and try not to intervene. Good luck.

MissHavisham1984 Mon 22-Jun-15 14:49:02

This is the first time I have posted on MN and it's been a revelation. GD is failing at school, is seeing a counsellor and her GP (when she consents to go) and as for her dad taking her from mum's house...is he supposed to drag her home if she doesn't want to go? Our other GD, who is 16, is shocked by her sister's attitude. It's sad.

diddl Mon 22-Jun-15 15:55:47

What were you hoping for?

It's great that you are concerned for your GD, but really all you can do is let her know that you are there for her if necessary.

MrsGentlyBenevolent Mon 22-Jun-15 15:56:22

Hmm, don't bring the other granddaughter into it either. My sibling and I were like this at these ages. It seemed that when one of us were 'behaving' the other was being the worst teen ever to exists. How did she take the split? Parents splitting is difficult anyway, but when you are on the cusp of puberty as she was, everything is exasperated. She may be naturally drawn to being with her mum, not that she loves her dad less. In a year or two, she may feel more comfortable with dad. Your job is to be Fran. Not judging her mum, don't compare her to sister, don't 'big up' dad. Just treat her like your granddaughter. Who knows, being the one person who's not being frustrated by her may lead her to opening up to you about what issues she may be having.

MrsGentlyBenevolent Mon 22-Jun-15 15:56:59

Be gran not Fran stupid phone xx

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