more tired than dp

[AntiHop]

10 month old dd sleeps badly. I breast feed her 2 or 3 times a night. I'm back at work and exhausted. I was exhausted when on maternity leave anyway. We've tried everything to get her back to sleep without a breast feed, but that's what she wants.

Dp keeps making comments that he's very tired too. I point out that he can't possibly be as tired as me as he doesn't do night feeds. He does often wake when I bring her into bed to feed but obviously he can go back to sleep more quickly, and sometimes he doesn't wake at all.

Dp says he understands how it feels to be tired and that just because I sleep less than him it doesn't mean I'm more tired. I disagree. We share the child care and domestic tasks equally so that's not the issue, by that I mean we both have about equal down time when we're not at work, looking after dd or doing housework.

Aibu?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I remember this stage. He is more tired than he has ever been so he knows what that means. You are more tired than anyone, ever (I remember it well) and definitely more tired than him. It's horrible.

However, him knowing that you are more tired will do nothing. He shares the chores and sounds like he is a good Dad so just keep your head down, power through this bit and in no time (two fucking years in DD's case) you will rediscover sleep and feeling like humans.

[LibrariesGaveUsPower]

Playing 'who is more tired ' is a zero sum game. Try not to go there.

But you are. Obviously. If he is so disturbed he should sleep elsewhere and quit whining.

[PotteringAlong]

You are not being unreasonable but neither is he. Try not to get sucked into competitive tiredness; no good will come of it

[Only1scoop]

Just accept that you are both tired don't try and win the Im more tired than you award.

[Writerwannabe83]

I've been where you are - I ended up using a Sleep Specialist was 10 months because I was beyond exhausted and knew there was no way I could cope with returning to work on such little sleep.

My DH was brilliant though and knew that compared to him I was far, far more tired and drained. Most weekends he would tell me not to leave the bedroom, would bring me breakfast in bed and take DS for the morning, only bringing him to my when it was feed time.

Those Saturday and Sunday morning lie-ins were the only thing that stopped me from cracking up (although I did come very close to it, hence the Sleep Specialist).

You have my absolute sympathies

[nancy75]

OP, your post has brought back memories of having a newborn. That feeling in the night when the baby cries and you feel like if you have to wake up you are just going to die. Dp & I hated each other for a while because we were both more tired than the other one, for your own sanity just let it go. I know right now it seems like it will never get better but one day it just does, I promise!

[Penfold007]

You are both sleep deprived and that is an awful but it's not a competition as to who is the most tired.

Your getting up two or three times a night must be utterly draining and even if he doesn't fully wake it also impacts on the quality of his sleep. It's great that you feel he is doing his share of domestic tasks and child care.

Do you get a lie in at least once at the weekend? Would weaning your little one from the breast be something you are ready to do?

It's not a case of unreasonableness but pure sleep exhaustion.

[WorldsBiggestGrotbag]

I get why this is frustrating. I suffer from insomnia and have a non sleeping toddler (up 2-3 times a night for 19 months). DH sleeps solidly all night. It is so annoying when he complains he's tired. But... It's not a competition. Just because you're exhausted, doesn't mean he isn't tired too. And if he's the most tired he's ever been, that's all he has to compare to. Honestly it won't to anyone any favours having this argument!

[sharonthewaspandthewineywall]

Can you not offer water at night? A ten month old does not need three feeds during the night. It's up to you whether to continue the bf or not but if it's making you tired and fall out with your DH it's worth thinking about weaning her off the breast at night

[Writerwannabe83]

Easier said than done when the breast is the ONLY thing to stop the incessant screaming. I used to walk round for a good hour with my crying baby, desperately trying to do anything to soothe him back to sleep instead of just breast feeding him but absolutely nothing worked. When you're coping on 4 hours broken sleep a night the easiest and most welcome option is just to feed them to get them back to sleep as soon as possible as it's the only way you can get any sleep too. It's a horrible and vicious cycle

[wigglylines]

Have you considered co-sleeping? It's the single thing that's actually been effective at getting me more sleep, with both of my DC.

[Bluetrews25]

I know a lot of people don't like it these days, but I did sleep training / controlled crying with DS2 at that age, when he started to want a 3rd feed at night. Enough was enough! He only cried for 30-40 mins, for one night, and then we could all sleep properly. He shared a room with DS1 at the time of the training, and DS1 slept through it.
He's nearly 20 yrs old now, and doesn't appear to have been traumatised.

[WorldsBiggestGrotbag]

Bluetrews we tried sleep training. Night 1, DD was awake/crying for 4 hours. Second night 5 hours. We didn't make it to night 3.

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

Oh op. I have a nine month old. I sympathise hugely. Dh and I have had huge rows recently and competitive tiredness definitely played a part. For what it's worth, you're right. You're more tired than him. However, I don't think winning is what matters here. We've just agreed to stop fighting over it, accept we're both shattered and try to support each other better. Easier said than done. Good luck.

[editthis]

I hear you, OP. Four hours for me last night, with two wake-ups in that night time. (This is why I hate it when people say they had "no sleep last night". Really? Do you mean none at all? I definitely had four hours and that is bad enough.)

However, my baby is younger than yours so you're definitely feeling worse than me. Also, if it helps, on the second baby it seems easier to cope with the lack of sleep, even though I HAVE to get up with the toddler (who no longer naps). I feel tired, so very, very tired, but no longer like I might die.

Co-sleeping has helped exponentially, so I don't physically have to get up until he starts wriggling around needing a poo from 4ish. EVERY MORNING. Then he's awake for an hour or two, cooing happily, until he goes back to sleep at 6 and the toddler wakes up.

Will your baby take a bottle of expressed milk? Just so you COULD ask your husband to get up? Mine never did manage to take a bottle so I felt incredibly trapped, like I would never, ever have more than two or three hours' sleep in a row again, day or night, or ever recover. BUT! One night your baby will sleep through; you won't, you'll go in as normal every few hours to check they're still alive, but the next night you'll sleep and it only takes a few nights before you begin to forget the horror.

My PFB woke fairly predictably at 11, 2ish, 4ish and was up at 6, I recall. When she started snuffling at those times I would go in to her but just try to push her a bit longer, saying to myself I wouldn't feed her until 2.15, and the next night 2.30. Amazingly, this worked and she suddenly dropped the 2am feed. So then I did it for the next one and so on.

Good luck OP. You're definitely more tired and it's maddening. But he sounds like a keeper; don't let it come between you. Sorry for garbled, exhausted stream of consciousness.

[munchkinmaster]

Put baby into childcare and both take day off. Send day sleeping and go for lunch. No chores.

(Ps: night wean).

[FlopismyMantra]

Op, I'm in the same boat. A very supportive other half who is up three times a night with our one year old and I'm ebf-ing our five month old. I am exhausted, constantly on the verge of tears and horribly homesick. I miss my husband and I miss the person I was before I turned into this horrible sleep deprived harpie.

Probably not the most helpful post, sorry! Have a packet of biscuits for me.

[mugglingalong]

We found with ours the only thing that helped was dh taking over bedtime and then taking over nighttime waking so that they didn't just see breast. It was fairly hellish for a while. We used the no cry sleep solutions. Somewhat of a misnomer but it didn't seem too harsh. Pick a week when he isn't too busy at work and lead up to it by getting him to settle dd to sleep in the evening. It will be hard at first but worth persevering with. Then he will know who has been the most tired all these months - although of course by then he will never admit it and at that stage he will be the most tired!

[SluiceSloosh]

I'm going against the grain here. Yes your dh might be the most tired he's ever been but yours is a different level. Going into bed at night with no idea of what time you'll be up, how long for, if the baby will go back down easily, it's akin to mental torture!

My dh says oh well it wakes me too, which is all well and good but he doesn't have the responsibility of actually getting up and doing something about it, so yes, it's tiring but not the same.

Advice, wean. Share the night time feeds, give your dh the chance to see what REAL tiredness is.

Disclaimer: I may be going through something similar myself at the moment and being irrational (obviously because I'm tired )

[munchkinmaster]

I've done similar to muglingalong with 2 babies at 9 months. She's right. You can't go in and comfort without feeding. It's a lovely feeling rolling over and saying "off you go."

[attheendoftheday]

You are more tired. No doubt about it!

The most effective I've thing for us when trying to stop breast feeds at night was for dp to take over bedtime and all night waking for a couple of weeks. It was a killer for him, but as I'd done it all for the previous 18 months I didn't feel too bad.

[RoobyTuesday]

Going through it too OP although not as bad as you as I've stopped Breast feeding now so DP does do some night feeds. We had to make a pact to stop comparing tiredness levels as resentment starts to build up and does no one any good. Could you express some feeds for your DP to give? And on weekends go back to bed in the day for an hour or two here and there, it's all money in the bank as they say.
When the early starts began a few weeks ago we started taking it in turns, so if baby was awake at 5.30 one of us would get up for an hour then come and swap and go back to bed until 7.30 and so on.
It's a shit time but it won't last forever.

[Stillwishihadabs]

Sympathies OP . Is you LO on three good meals a day and 3 milk feeds between 7 and 7 ? or 8 and 8. How is his(or her) weight ? It sounds like they are waking genuinely hungry.