to not want my teen daughter to use our car as a free taxi for all her friends

[blackfishofthefamily]

My dd recently passed her driving test. We have put her on the insurance of my car to use evenings and weekends.

I assumed her social life would carry on as normal and she would use the car instead of us giving her lifts, making our lives easier and not costing us any more money.

She doesn't have a job and plans to go to uni next year, so we have done all this with no expectation of her paying for any of it. DH and I argued about it and I compromised on getting a car for her to putting her on my insurance.

She has taken to going out a lot more often and going much further afield. So for example, instead of getting a pizza with friends in town a mile away, she will do a 25 mile round trip to the next town. Or if she goes to the cinema, she will take 3 friends and drop them all home, so doing 30 miles instead of 2!

DH and I are arguing about this. I don't really want her taking a car load out every time she drives (she never drives it alone!) because of the safety issues, she's statistically much more likely to have an accident with other teens in the car but also the fuel and mileage and the fact that I am having to hoover it out more! I am paying for it all and am starting to resent it but DH says I'm being petty and I should be pleased she's getting out more.

[PotteringAlong]

If that's what she wants to do she needs to pay for petrol.

[EatDessertFirst]

Make her pay for petrol and clean up the mess after her mates have been in it? You've been more than fair so far but she needs to contribute or stop using it as a taxi.

[ChameleonCircuit]

And clean the damn thing!

[expatinscotland]

You need to put boundaries in place. And she needs to clean it. Mollycoddling her like this does her no favours long term.

[BestZebbie]

The extra mileage is just part of having a shared car, I think.

If she is taking the mickey with extra petrol costs, ask her to fill up the car occasionally - either on a formal on informal system.

[PurpleSwift]

She needs to clean it and pay for her petrol. She'll see no reason why she can't drive that far if she isn't paying petrol. I also doubt she'll be as happy to have her friends in the car of she has to clean up their mess. Yanbu at all

[senua]

Stop hoovering it and stop paying for petrol! Once she realises how expensive it is and once the novelty has worn off, she will calm down.

But let them enjoy their summer of freedom. Oh to be 17 again.

[BrianButterfield]

I think unless you make it clear, she's not going to see what's wrong with it - from her point of view she's spreading her wings, doing friends favours and thoroughly enjoying it! If you don't give her limits on e.g. petrol money then she won't get the message - as far as she knows, you provided the car and pay the bills so why shouldn't she make the most of it?

[ShadowsInTheDarkness]

Having access to a car is freedom! She's young, her worlds suddenly opened up, of course she's going to go further afield. I also think you can't do anything about the giving friends lifts. You can get her to take responsibility though. With independence comes the responsibility for said independence.
She hooves the car out, she pays for petrol. If she can't afford to, then she doesn't go out. Or she find a job.

I'd maybe let the standards slip a wee bit on the hoovering front though. Otherwise it'll turn into a battle about that more than about looking after the car/being responsible for herself

[expatinscotland]

It's perfectly possible to enjoy summer and learn responsibility, too .

[HeyDuggee]

Well if she's going out with friends, part of the appeal is that they go there together in a car instead of begging for lifts from parents (I'm assuming public transport is infrequent if next town over is that far). And chances are, if her friends had to get lifts from parents, they may not be able to go. Why not just ask for petrol money contributions from friends who are not within a two mile radius of destination? That was the unspoken thing to do when I was a teen.

[CaTsMaMmA]

my main concern would be the extra passengers and the safety aspect? Are they sensible types? Aware of the dangers?

Other than that if she is one of the first to pass in her peer group this is the way it goes! Certainly she should be funding the petrol she uses, get good at Petrol Bingo...dd and I are champions in this house, it is dh who always loses and gets into the car as the petrol light pings on!

And give over with the hoovering...I am 49, and I think I have felt the need to hoover a car twice. ;)

[pinkyredrose]

Why isn't she leaning it? The it's probably the novelty of having access to a car that's making her want to go places she previously couldn't, i know I was all over the county when I first passed! She'll get more used to driving too which is good but if she never drives alone she could lose confidence unless she has company plus as you said she's more likely to crash if she's distracted. Time for a word in her shell like.

[morelikeguidelines]

They need to give her petrol money. We did for my friend who passed her test first, and then each of us did for the others as we all passed.

Also friends need to agree not to drink to excess.

[NormaStits]

If she has a key, take it back. She needs to start coming and asking permission to use it, telling you where she's going and why. If you agree, she can have the car. All petrol costs must be paid for and cleaning done.

It is not a shared car, it is YOUR car and she needs to respect the privilege she has been given. If your dh thinks this is unreasonable, he can put her on his insurance and pay out instead.

[morelikeguidelines]

Plus dd should clean it.

[TheFairyCaravan]

Both my DC have passed their tests, and have their own cars. Their social lives did change because they had no reason to stay so near to home, they could go further so they did. However, their friends always chipped in for petrol, or if one friend drove one weekend another drove the next IYSWIM. None of them free loaded off anyone else.

I would definitely be making her pay her fair share for petrol and make her clean the car. If she couldn't do that, she'd be coming off the insurance.

[SkippyTheBushKangeroo]

You need to tell her that her friends should be paying her for lifts. In my kids friendship groups it's a normal thing to do. If someone gives you a lift you drop a couple of quid (or whatever) in the coin tray. I told my kids they had to do it when they were passengers and now they drive their friends do it. It's polite and everyone wins.

There are a million AIBU threads about posters feeling taken advantage of by people they give lifts to and yet it is such a simple problem to solve.

Your DD also has the advantage that she can tell her friends that it's your suggestion.

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

Certainly she should be paying towards the fuel and at least clearing the obvious rubbish out of the car.

Many moons ago when my peer group had just passed, we would chip in a few quid for fuel or between us buy the driver their (non-alcoholic) drinks all night, so either way the driver had money for fuel.

However, letting your DD get a load of driving experience in this summer also has it's benefits. I'm presuming she won't have a car at uni, so let her do a load of driving now to cement her learning before she's back to the bus!

[cuntycowfacemonkey]

I think it's pretty common amongst new teen drivers to suddenly be out all the time and going further afield. It's a massive novelty and a great sense of freedom when you first get your license so I don't think she is being deliberately selfish or inconsiderate. If she isn't paying for fuel then I suggest you start making her, that will soon change how far she is willing to travel.

[Hullygully]

Normal to get the other kids to contribute to petrol round our way

[Pumpkinpositive]

Does your DH have a car?

Since he's so happy-go-lucky about it, why not ask him to put your DD on the insurance of his car?

Then she can tootle about to her heart's of an evening in his car with all her chums, running up the petrol bill and creating a mess. You won't look like the big bad wolf and since daddy's so laize faire about it, everyone will be happy!

Win, win!

Or not.

[PrettyObvious]

Well the rule in our house was that you replaced the petrol used, whether borrowing mother's or father's car. I think that is fair enough.
As for giving friends a lift, I do think there is a safety aspect for an inexperienced driver and that is something you should talk to your daughter about, but it applies equally to driving alone and listening to the radio.
Also agree on the cleaning aspect. She is, in effect, borrowing something of yours and should return it in the same state (with petrol) and condition.

[Gdydgkyk]

Charge her for Petrol. Explain its x amount per mile and she can use it as little or as much as she likes but she will need to pay petrol costs weekly. She can babysit or what ever to earn the cash

[Gdydgkyk]

It's good she's getting practice in driving as long as her friends don't distract