Partner doesn't want me to breastfeed

(149 Posts)
Wombledon99 Tue 16-Jun-15 11:52:17

I'm a woman in a same sex relationship where we are currently trying for a baby.

I was speaking to DP about breastfeeding saying I'd like to give it a try and breastfeed if I can (it will be me that gives birth). She surprised me by being adamantly against it and when I asked why she said "because I want to be able to feed MY baby" I explained about expressing and how of course she'll be able to feed the baby and I'll probably be desperate for her to help with night feeds, but apparently she doesn't feel comfortable with the baby being "so close" to me over her and she doesn't like the fact we will share a "special bond".

I believe breastfeeding would be much better for the health of the baby and it's something I really want to do, am I being selfish?

dreamingofsun Tue 16-Jun-15 11:54:01

why are you being selfish by wanting to provide the most healthy start for your baby? all the medical people say that BF is best.

BabyMurloc Tue 16-Jun-15 11:54:28

How has she been about you being the one that gives birth?

nottheOP Tue 16-Jun-15 11:55:04

I wouldn't fall out over a hypothetical argument. Feelings can change when you're actually pregnant and when the baby is here. Your feelings might change too - most want to breastfeed but don't make it beyond the 6 week mark.

There are plenty of ways for both parents to bond with their child.

Wombledon99 Tue 16-Jun-15 11:55:06

In case it's relevant she can't carry a child so she won't get a "chance" to be a breastfeeding mother.

mojo17 Tue 16-Jun-15 11:55:24

I can see how she would feel that but she needs to put what's best for the baby before her feelings now it's called being a parent

Welcome to parenthood

SoupDragon Tue 16-Jun-15 11:55:48

Your partner is the one who is being selfish.

The fact that she is a woman is irrelevant - how does she think all those fathers cope?

Q0FE Tue 16-Jun-15 11:55:57

Has it been suggested to her that. she could induce lactation and breastfeed too?

Wombledon99 Tue 16-Jun-15 11:56:05

baby xpost - it was the only choice possible really as she can't carry a baby, she's been ok about it apart from this issue

BabyMurloc Tue 16-Jun-15 11:56:15

Also dads bond with their kids without bf. I wonder if its a bigger fear about being "less of a mum" if you are the one who is pregnant, especially if the child is biologically yours.

Q0FE Tue 16-Jun-15 11:56:49

It is possible to breastfeed without giving birth and I do actually know a lesbian couple who have shared the feeding.

cosmicglittergirl Tue 16-Jun-15 11:57:16

You're correct, of course BF is better, but I can see her point of view, but this child will be carried by you and birthed by you. (I'm also assuming biologically yours unless it's her egg carried by you) so it will be different. The expressing sounds like an excellent compromise. Do you know anyone who been through this that you can talk to?

Spidergirl2015 Tue 16-Jun-15 11:57:40

If she has breast tissue she can have hormonal tablets to lactate. Then she can share it with you.

VacantExpression Tue 16-Jun-15 11:57:41

What Soupdragon says.

Pootles2010 Tue 16-Jun-15 11:58:02

Is that really possible Q0FE? How amazing.

BabyMurloc Tue 16-Jun-15 11:58:12

All you can do is talkitout. When you are preg there willbe midwives a plenty telling you to bf. They might persuade her as well.

Wombledon99 Tue 16-Jun-15 11:58:57

The baby will be biologically mine.

I spoke to a friend who's had a baby with her wife (and been the one to not give birth) but she was confused by my partners attitude and said she didn't mind her partner breastfeeding at all.

Wombledon99 Tue 16-Jun-15 11:59:53

I didn't know about the tablets, does anyone know where I can find more information?

NotYouNaanBread Tue 16-Jun-15 11:59:57

Well, your partner is being completely unreasonable, BUT has she considered spontaneous lactation? It can happen and there are various resources you could seek out. It might be that the ideal solution that makes everybody happy? If she isn't keen on that the she might just have to back off and let you nurse. It's not like my husband is less of a parent to our children because he couldn't breastfeed them, although I completely get how your partner feels - it's conflicted. But you get to make the call about what you do with your own baby and your own breasts.

Quartermass Tue 16-Jun-15 11:59:59

She just has to suck it up. Although breastfeeding isn't vital, bottled milk is ok, breast milk is better and that trumps your partner's feelings. Make sure you do express though (it's a pain to do), and that she has plenty of one to one time with the baby, with you not there.

LadyNym Tue 16-Jun-15 12:00:58

YANBU. If a future dad was saying this he'd be slaughtered.

I know a mum whose wifeinduced lactation so they could both breastfeed. Is that an option?

I can see why she might be a bit jealous but really that needs to come second to doing the best by the baby. As a mum she'd have to learn this.

OvertiredandConfused Tue 16-Jun-15 12:01:24

I'm with mojo

It's about what's best for your child. Where you can choose which parent does something you should either share or split the tasks fairly. Where only one can do it but it's clearly in the best interests of your child, it's a no brainer. The gender is irrelevant.

I'd be questioning the wisdom of having a child with someone who isn't willing to put the child's needs first - if she isn't willing to reconsider.

QuintShhhhhh Tue 16-Jun-15 12:01:39

Maybe you should reconsider whether it is healthy to bring a baby into your relationship, with such an immature and ignorant partner.

coconutpie Tue 16-Jun-15 12:01:41

No. She is being completely selfish and unreasonable and putting her own selfish demands before the needs of a tiny baby. It is the mother's decision on whether to breastfeed or not, nobody else's. If you wish to breastfeed, that's it, end of discussion. Tbh, I would be reconsidering having a baby with someone so selfish. Breastfeeding is best (and no formula can ever even come close to it) so she should be supporting you in breastfeeding, not throwing a tantrum. Out of interest, what if the roles were reversed and she was the one trying to get pregnant? Is there an underlying issue here or how did you both decide which one of you would carry the baby?

mijas99 Tue 16-Jun-15 12:02:20

That it one of the most selfish things I have ever heard from a parent-to-be

Not a good start...

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