To ask what you would do in this situation??

[bluewhale2030]

I've had the same job for 4 years. I love it and without blowing my own trumpet think I'm pretty damn good at it. It helps that I have what I think is a supportive boss- we have a lot in common and she has been a work support for a while now.

However, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. I know it's time to move on to the next level My boss keeps insisting I hang on and wait because something will come available soon as the person in the role above me is on a formal warning.

This has been going on for months though. My personal life isn't great and I need more money so I can get my independence. But I'm torn:

On the one hand:
This is someone I have worked with since day one. I was a mess when she met me and she has helped me find my feet and realise some of what I want out of life. As I said before we have a lot in common and while I'm at work she can be very supportive.

On the other hand:
I don't know if she is manipulating me. She knows I find it difficult to trust people, and has told me things about co workers that makes me not want to trust them. Of course I'm always polite and professional- but a lot of them are openly nasty to me, she's never followed through on my complaints (sometimes quite serious- last week someone vandalised my car, must of been a co worker because nobody else can access out staff car park) and last week I did hear her say a slightly derogatory comment about me to somebody. So I think she just likes to bitch about people to whoever she can

She has given me training and responsibility above my role and has told me I can perform duties whenever required- but if I do it in front of certain staff members? I get a bollocking. I don't do it sometimes? I get a boloocking.

She knows me better than most people I know, so if I'm having a bad day she knows about it without me needing to tell her. It's part of my MH issues unfortunately.

She has always insisted she is there for me as a friend, even out of hours (her words I assure you) but if I turn to her for support I can count on one hand the amount of times she has supported me if there is no benefit for her.

I know I might sound crazy, but please keep in mind I do have MH issues and I've never jumped to conclusions IYSWIM. I'm always very careful.



She has told me she has sacrificed a lot personally to be there to support me but I honestly don't know. I have serious trust issues. She has told me to "keep waiting" but I don't know if I can much longer. But if she truly has sacrificed things for me then I don't want to let her down.

[RandomMess]

Sounds like she's using you and want to keep you where you are now...

I think you'd be better off looking elsewhere.

[crustsaway]

She sound rather suffocating to be honest OP. Do what "YOU" want to do, don't stay out of some sort of misplaced guilt. Once you've moved on all this will be a distant memory.

[ImperialBlether]

OP, you have to be your own best friend here, look after yourself and try to get out of this job. Never mind the money, she isn't a friend to you. She is manipulative and actually a liar - she says she's sacrificed a lot to support you? She's your bloody manager; that's her job! She says that so that you don't go elsewhere.

She doesn't praise you much, does she? That might make you think you can get a better job.

Don't waste time wondering why she is like she is, but believe me, she is the one with problems. Do whatever you can to get out.

[bluewhale2030]

Imperial she actually does that's the thing. She always goes on about how wonderful I am and what an asset I can be. I think it's just part of her game though.

[PoppyBlossom]

I'd leave op. You are convenient for her to have around, but you know deep down if you no longer work under her she wouldn't be in touch at all. Step out in your own, you say you are really great at your job so believe in that, I think this woman finds it quite handy knowing about your personal issues.

[Samwaygangeee]

She sounds like a player.

I think it'd be beneficial to have a session with a life coach or career coach to give you an entirely different perspective on your options. Sometimes your choices can seem to be polarised when actually you will highly likely have many more options than you realise.

I find it very helpful as I'm prone to hugely overthinking...

[ImperialBlether]

Does she praise you when it's just you two in the room or when others are there?

[bluewhale2030]

She absolutely has me by the bollocks though. If she is a manipulative witch I can't see her giving me a reference and I definitely won't get another job doing what I'm doing without it.

[PoppyBlossom]

Is it a big organisations? On what grounds would she refuse a reference?

[Samwaygangeee]

no no no. Don't buy into her power-charade. And she can't give you a bad reference.

[winkywinkola]

You are wonderful. You are good at your job. You don't need her to tell you that.

Your situation with her and the rest - your car was vandalised!!!!! (No CCTV?) - sounds awful.

Time to move on. Seriously. She sounds toxic. You sound brilliant.

Don't worry about references. Nobody can stop real quality coming through. Are there any other people you could use as a reference?

[ImperialBlether]

She has to give you a reference. Who is her boss?

[winkywinkola]

You sure it wasn't she who vandalised your car?

She's toxic.

[Samwaygangeee]

I've just read your OP again and she sounds like a bad boyfriend you should dump, rapidly.

[griselda101]

you only need the reference after you have been given the new job (usually) but it's given just before you start it. they aren't allowed legally to give a bad reference (although they can omit saying much). That said I think you are being paranoid. It sounds as though she wants to keep you but I doubt she is manipulative to the point of being nasty if you got something new.

I had a manager I hated the guts of, thought she hated me and when I started my new job was stunned to find she'd given me a glowing reference.

Don't let a fear of something so small like that stay somewhere you're not happy, give yourself a bit more credit and get a job you love. What's the worst that could come of it?

You can always go to HR or her superior if you're a bit worried about stuff after you have left.

I also found it shocking that she gives you a bollocking if you do or don't do the same thing around differnet people - damned if you do and damned if you don't. I would say get out of there ASAP.

You deserve to be happy and fulfilled! You're overthinking her behaviour and it's stopping you moving forward. So get on and do it!

[bluewhale2030]

It's a small organisation. There is somebody above her I can contact if necessary. Fortunately I got the contact details from something a couple of weeks ago.

Rarely praises me when other people are there apart from 2/3 colleagues who just don't care IYSWIM?

No CCTV in the car park. I say car park it's an area at the back of where we work with space for 4 cars. The gate is locked during working hours so nobody can get access and it's too high for anyone to jump or climb it.

[Butterflywings168]

She sounds very manipulative and controlling. She is there for 'poor little' you, to make her feel better. I have had many of these 'friends'.
Distance yourself, and find another job

[Stubbleandbubble]

Totally leave. Living well will be a delicious revenge.

[bluewhale2030]

Thanks everyone. Just hope I can move on

[Stubbleandbubble]

Of course you can! Don't place limitations on yourself! Can you take a few days off to focus on it?

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

about her telling you that another member of staff is on a formal warning.
That breaches confidentiality surely?

[bluewhale2030]

I don't know though. It's been a big part of my life for so long

[Tiptops]

I do agree with PP that she is now being manipulative and trying to keep you there to suit her own agenda, rather than it being in your best interests. That doesn't mean you have to part on bad terms; thank her for the support she has provided, and say it is now time for you to move onto the next chapter.

You don't sound crazy, but it does sound like now is the right time to find a new opportunity.

[Fatmomma99]

It's hard to comment from your post, because we only have your POV, but it does sound very much like you're being manipulated/used... From your post you sound like her secret, and that she uses you.

In which case, you'd walk into another job.

I think you're right in your instincts not to trust her. Anyone who tells you something open speech marks ^confidentially close speech marks* and who you then overhear telling about YOU, isn't to be trusted.

[tonsofshit]

I had a boss like this!

She's fine when you're in a co-dependent relationship and she's the one controlling it. As soon as you break out by yourself, she's not all "spread your wings my little chick" - she wants to shoot you down.

In your situation I asked for a pay rise and cited stuff happening in my life which meant I needed more money. She said no. I said, as much as I didn't want to, I had no choice but to go to a better paid role.

She don't give me a bad reference, but she didn't help me either.

She still resents me and tries to affect my career in a negative way. Thankfully she has a reputation in the industry and people take what she says with a pinch of salt.