To not buy my friend a birthday present?

(52 Posts)
QuestioningStuff Sun 07-Jun-15 17:51:15

I have a good friend who I've known for a long time.

It was my birthday a few months ago, she came to see me, but didn't bring anything. Not even a card. Now I really don't want to sound materialistic, because I appreciate her company more than anything and I don't need cards or presents. But it's weird right? To turn up on someone's birthday with nothing and not even make any kind of excuse?

She has always done this. Every birthday. And I always buy her something/make a big fuss. I feel super awkward bringing it up, I can't just say 'erm why haven't you got me a present'.

It's her birthday in a few months and today she's told me what she wants me to get her.

AIBU to just not get her anything? And how do I even bring it up? I don't want to appear grabby I just don't understand it and i am starting to feel a bit resentful.

QuestioningStuff Sun 07-Jun-15 17:52:07

Oh and PS. I don't have a lot of money at all, she is significantly better off than I am.

Hotpotpie Sun 07-Jun-15 17:55:14

I'd just tell her straight no. Ask her why it is she wants you to get her a present when she doesn't ever get you one

Theycallmemellowjello Sun 07-Jun-15 17:59:28

I was going to say YABU, no need for adults to give each other birthday presents. But she's telling you what to buy her?? She's a weirdo!

AlternativeTentacles Sun 07-Jun-15 17:59:30

'Oh I didn't think we were doing this, as I've got you one in the past and you have never done it back'.

FenellaFellorick Sun 07-Jun-15 17:59:49

Tell her no.

She's got a nerve to tell you what to buy her when you don't even get a card!

It's ok to be honest with her. "It makes me feel taken advantage of and that this is one sided when you tell me what gift to buy you but you do nothing at all for my birthday, so no. I won't be buying you a gift. "

Theycallmemellowjello Sun 07-Jun-15 18:01:01

By any chance was it a jokey 'oooh you can get me this' that she wasn't being serious about?

BolshierAyraStark Sun 07-Jun-15 18:04:22

If she wasn't joking then I'd just tell her straight, no I wont be buying you that or anything else, cheeky.

Deemail Sun 07-Jun-15 18:06:10

Yanbu! What did she ask for?

expatinscotland Sun 07-Jun-15 18:07:22

Just tell her your budget doesn't extend to buying presents anymore.

Purplehonesty Sun 07-Jun-15 18:07:37

Well I was going to get you that (handbag/perfume/thing) you asked for. But instead I decided to get you the same gift as you got for me....

SpamAnderson Sun 07-Jun-15 18:10:22

Not unreasonable at all. I don't buy for anyone other than family members because I'm tight I don't expect anyone to buy me gifts so have never got into the buying, or card habit. Tell her straight that you've bought for her in the past and she's never returned the favour so you won't be buying for her any longer. Why on earth she thinks it's acceptable to not buy for you or even give you a card but request a specific item from you is beyond me!

DaisyChain87 Sun 07-Jun-15 18:11:07

Agree with what has already been said. Just say 'sorry, I didn't think we were doing gifts any more. You didn't get me one, and I didn't want to make you feel awkward by buying you one. Really excited about celebrating with you though!'

QuestioningStuff Sun 07-Jun-15 18:15:20

She asked me for a waist trainer belt. She's got into fitness. I've looked at them online and the decent ones really aren't cheap. She knows I'm skint!

It definitely wasn't a joke. She said 'oh, I know what you can get me for my birthday by the way'.

It does make me feel mugged off. I always bought for her before because I care very much about her and wanted to and I don't regret that but it's slowly making me resentful and confused.

UmmErrWhateves Sun 07-Jun-15 18:18:12

Does she do anything for her birthday ie a party or something that costs her money?

I'm a bit confused about why you would keep buying her presents.

I don't like getting presents very much but I make it clear that I don't want to receive any either.

KillmeNow Sun 07-Jun-15 18:19:22

That is beyond what is acceptable and I would love to know whats going on in her head that makes this right . If she is against buying presents for friends (perhaps) why does she allow you to continue? Or maybe you just didnt get the letter she sent out that explained ?

Of course you should not buy her a card or present ,nor should you offer any excuses as to why. If she asks you outright then tell her directly. What a user she is.

UmmErrWhateves Sun 07-Jun-15 18:21:03

This is very easy to sort out though. Just don't buy her a present. It's that simple. You can say something if you want but if you find it too difficult then don't bother.

If you have always got her presents and she has never got you presents then maybe she thinks you want to get her something.

MrsTedCrilly Sun 07-Jun-15 18:24:47

She sounds well cheeky! Not with not getting you anything, adults don't need to do presents but definitely with expecting something! She sounds like she was spoilt as a child and only programmed to receive.

ShabbyNat Sun 07-Jun-15 18:25:22

I would expect a card from a good friendshock
A present is a bonus, I would be really happy with a bunch of supermarket flowers for £3/4.
To not get a card for my birthday from a good friend would really upset mesad Cards are as cheap as 50p in The Card Factory.

lavenderhoney Sun 07-Jun-15 18:25:53

What did you say when she told you what she wanted?

Just call her as normal, chat, and say " I can't afford that belt thing you want- and anyway, I've been thinking - as you don't get me anything, it's a bit odd you ask me" Or email her, as I can't think of a response she could make without being defensive and it becames an arguement.

Do you get each other Christmas gifts as well?

CaptainAnkles Sun 07-Jun-15 18:26:50

Don't get anything and if she had the nerve to ask where her gift is, you can just laugh and ask if she's joking, 'after all, you've never bought me a card or a gift!'

expatinscotland Sun 07-Jun-15 18:27:01

Just don't buy it. If she brings it up, you say, 'My budget doesn't extend to presents anymore.'

Aeroflotgirl Sun 07-Jun-15 18:28:22

Stop this silly habit. She sounds very rude and grabby. I woukd have asked her where my birthday present was, with a comment like that. Get her nada, zilch, nothing. I woukd have told her that you will be getting her, what you get from her every year, cheeky monkey.

123Jump Sun 07-Jun-15 18:29:58

Questioningstuff I had a 'friend' like this for years. She was in college and I was working full time. I paid for everything. We both smoked at the time, and I would call over and she would say " Can we smoke your cigarettes,I'm saving mine?"
WTF?!
I took us on nights out,I paid for everything.
Taxis, food,cinema everything. I never thought about it because she was my best friend.
Then slowly I started to realise that she actually had more than me. She lived at home and got a lot of money etc from her folks. And she never paid for anything. Not 1 drink for me.
I dumped her. And I never even missed her,which proves how much I just didn't need that crap.
Either confront her or dump her,she isn't acting like a friend!

quietasamouse Sun 07-Jun-15 18:38:54

I wouldn't say your budget doesn't extend to presents anymore, as really that isn't why you're not buying for her. Tell her, as someone suggested, that it seems rather odd of her to ask as she's never bought you anything.

In the past I have been as rubbish as your friend - always meaning to buy friends gifts but never actually getting round to it. My brain just isn't that organised and procrastinating is my thing. Over time my friends have said things, or stopped buying, and it has made me see that it was unkind and important to them. I'm much better now. I guess you could say they've trained me!

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