Not really sure this is AIBU but need advice with this situation

(44 Posts)
Sierraspider Thu 04-Jun-15 08:43:09

I don't know if this is a "AIBU" or not I just need advice.

I'm a babysitter/ cleaner/ pet sitter for my friend while she works. I go to her house 3 times a week from 8-8 and look after her daughter who is nearly 3, my friend allows me to bring my daughter who is nearly 4 years old to work with me, and this has been the aagreement the last 6 months, never had any issues. I look after her daughter like she was my own and complete all housework duties before my friend gets home and she is generally very happy with me.

There was an incident last week where my daughter and my friends daughter had a argument and there was hitting and pushing from both sides. I immediately broke it up and told them to both say sorry. Job done and sorted, or so I thought...

I then get told this morning that my friends housemate (who also has a daughter) told her my daughter has been being 'violent' to friends daughter and throwing stones at her on a regular basis. When I said to my friend I've never seen that sort of behavior before, she said the housemate had seen my daughter like this and had apprently told me and I ignored it. This is definitely not true and if it is, I was not informed about it so how could of I done anything?

My situation is now is that the housemate and I, were, very good friends and I do not understand at all why she'd lie like that. All shes done is caused tension between me and my friend. Basically, my friend has just said shed rather I not bring my daughter anymore, my problem is is that I can't afford childcare on the wage I am paid and have nobody who will babysit. I'm really upset at the whole situation and don't know what to do....I don't really know why my friend is taking the housemates word over mine. Do I approach it with the housemate (who I thought was my friend) and what do I say? Sorry for it being long. I know some of you may say its not a big deal but it is to me, as this is my job and both friends mean a lot to me. I just can't understand why this has been said. What would you do?

AuntyMag10 Thu 04-Jun-15 08:47:04

It may be possible that you haven't seen it but it has happened?
However the housemate lied about telling you so is she maybe jealous of your friendship?
However your friend, the mum, will react to being told her dd is being hurt and will just want to ensure her dd is safe.

hesterton Thu 04-Jun-15 08:50:12

Does the housemate want your job?

Penfold007 Thu 04-Jun-15 08:51:26

I'd look for a new job and tell the friend to find a new child minder, cleaner and pet sitter.

MaidOfStars Thu 04-Jun-15 08:51:28

I'd request a three way chat to sort this out, and be direct with the housemate. She's compromising your job, which makes it more than a squabble between mates.

WeirdCatLady Thu 04-Jun-15 08:51:35

I would put into writing that at no point has this issue been raised with you, that if it had been you would have dealt with it appropriately, and that you are hurt that she has taken the step of effectively sacking you (as you cannot get childcare) based on a lie.
Then I would walk away and leave them to it. Neither sounds like a good friend to you.

NerrSnerr Thu 04-Jun-15 08:51:41

I wondered if the housemate wants your job too.

Do you have a contract?

19lottie82 Thu 04-Jun-15 08:53:46

I definitely wouldn't let this lie.

OK, so there is a chance your DD may not be innocent in this, but then again she may be. But if the HM is saying she told you, when she didn't........

Firstly have a casual and quiet word with your DD (non confrontational, obviously ) to see if she can shed any light on this.

Secondly I'd speak to your friend then ask she invite her housemate so you can all discuss the matter together and get to the bottom of it. there is a chance that it may all be a misunderstanding, or she may be lying for another reason, but liars find it hard to cover their backs when put on the spot.

Sierraspider Thu 04-Jun-15 08:53:53

I completely understand my friend telling me shed rather I didn't bring my daughter anymore, but it isnt true. I never take my eyes of both children (unless its to go for a wee then both kids are safe in the lounge, not ouside where the stones are) andivenever seen any 'violent' behavior ever from my daughter. Just that incident last week where both children were pushing and hitting. Do you think I call it a day and look for another job?

AuntyMag10 Thu 04-Jun-15 08:55:42

I think you should find another job as it affects your friendship, but before you leave sit down with both of them and confront this flat mate about her lies.

19lottie82 Thu 04-Jun-15 08:58:32

I agree with AuntyMag10 100%, if this didn't involve a grown up picking on a toddler for their own gain then maybe just leave it, but given the circumstances, hell no!

logicalfallacy101 Thu 04-Jun-15 09:23:51

Op ...agree with PP. You must address the lie. Even if you walk away from the job/friendship. Its for your own self-worth in future issues. And your daughter. We've all been in confrontational situations thinking we hold all the perceived facts, only to find out after a rational convo it's not the case. At least it will flag up to you for your own satisfaction that you are as aware as you think you are IYSWIM

Sierraspider Thu 04-Jun-15 09:25:51

See I'm here now and housemate has come out acting all happy/ cheery and asking how I am etc...my daughter today is at her nursery but I'm picking her up at 3pm. I don't know what to say. Some if me wants to record the conversation with ger to prove to my friend its a load of rubbish.

FenellaFellorick Thu 04-Jun-15 09:30:03

I think you could certainly ask her why she said what she said. If someone is going to tell lies, they surely can't expect that the person they've lied about will remain silent?

Aermingers Thu 04-Jun-15 09:39:22

Wow. This is all odd. I'm wondering if perhaps given the housemates response if she has actually told her this anyway, perhaps her daughter has told her this but she's dressing it up as the housemate so you can't question it? Maybe she wants to end the arrangement and is trying to force you to quit so you can't claim notice? I think you need to ask the housemate, all sounds dodgy.

Having said that if she has said it I have sympathy for the other mother. If she has said that presumably she will have checked with her DD and she will have backed it up. She can't really ignore her daughter and the housemate and leave her daughter in a potentially harmful environment just on your say so.

19lottie82 Thu 04-Jun-15 09:41:30

I'd DEFINITELY act normal for the moment with the HM, wait until the three of you are together THEN start the discussion.
As I said, it's harder to lie when you're put on the spot, rather than given time to prepare yourself.

Aermingers Thu 04-Jun-15 09:42:49

Put it this way, if the AIBU was 'my housemate and DD say she is being hurt by my childminder's DD regularly but the childminder denies this, should I ignore them and just take the childminder's word for it' I suspect that the response would be a resounding YABU.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder Thu 04-Jun-15 09:49:06

I think she's been embellishing the truth to your friend for dramatic effect not realising that she'd be having a word with you about it.

Call her out on it.

This is a really weird setup anyway and tbh if it doesn't turn sour now it will do in the future. Best to clear the air then step away imo.

Tequilashotfor1 Thu 04-Jun-15 09:51:02

Time to start liking for another job.

I would ask them while they are all together about what has been said and why. People do lie. I've just watched a family members friendship group impload because of one woman who I actually thought was very nice. No one wanted confront her and it's caused a lot of resentment.

I'm a bit hmm at the fact your employer friend hasnt already done this. And is now sandwiched between you. You defanatly need to speak to them both together as one of them is lying

ItsTricky Thu 04-Jun-15 09:52:35

If you're doing housework then you can't keep an eye on the girls every minute.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder Thu 04-Jun-15 09:53:51

Also, if this woman is a close a friend as you say she is, then she'll know that by banning you from taking your DD to work with she's effectively firing you.

I hope you get paid properly?

TinyBit Thu 04-Jun-15 09:56:41

erm...8-8 isn't babysitting, it's childminding! shock

are you in the UK and are you a registered childminder??

ItsTricky Thu 04-Jun-15 09:58:46

Tinybit, I don't think she'd need to register unless she was working in her own home.

livsmommy Thu 04-Jun-15 10:00:15

It's not childminding as it's not in the OPs house, it's a nanny/housekeeper role, OP do you have a contract?

TinyBit Thu 04-Jun-15 10:01:38

ah ok.

That's a LOT of childcare/babysitting

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