to think that DP should actually articulate his needs better?

(8 Posts)
MammaTJ Wed 03-Jun-15 21:46:55

He is giving up smoking! I am so happy, his uncle, who he is a carbon copy of dies of COPD a couple of years ago, this gave him a wake up call and he tried and succeeded in giving up then.

Recently he is trying again. I am a student nurse. I leave him to deal with his patches on his own, I do not want to add pressure/interfere.

I spotted a bright red mark on his arm the other day. I told him as a nurse I would not be happy to re-patch someone with that reaction and he should get advice. He did not appear to take much notice at the time saying 'Shall I stop giving up then?'. I reiterated that he should get better advice.

He seems to have done that, texting me this morning to say the stop smoking nurse was going to drop some different patches through the door.

He has come home tonight and is bordering abusive! He is speaking to the DC and myself in ways that are not acceptable. Not a problem as I counter him on all of it! I am not cowed by him as things stand (although I do see how it happens). I asked him why he is like this (so unlike his usual self) and he tells me he had not had a patch on since I expressed concerns.

If he had told me this, I would have put myself out, got on the bus to his work, to take his new patches to him. As it is, when he got home from work it was too late. They are 24 hour patches that have to be started in the morning. If he had only told me he was without then I would have rushed them to him.

Also, during skint times, I would be working out what we had, and what we needed and he would never put baccy in to the mix, then announce a few days in that he needed some, messing up the budget totally!

AIBU in thinking he should communicate what he needs/wants a little better then life would be easier for all of us?

MammaTJ Wed 03-Jun-15 21:48:06

I meant succeeded in giving up for a short while then*

Theycallmemellowjello Wed 03-Jun-15 21:55:12

No yanbu, but it's hard to see what you can do. Sorry, that's not helpful.

MammaTJ Wed 03-Jun-15 21:59:42

I don't think anyone can be helpful, I just need validation of my feelings really! Thank you for that Theycallme.

Robstersgirl Thu 04-Jun-15 20:34:50

You get really grumpy when you miss a patch and they do leave red marks which vary but can be really sore.
YABU he's trying hard to quit, give him space and support.

MammaTJ Fri 05-Jun-15 08:02:58

I would have happily supported him in a practical way but he didn't tell me he needed it.

He has put the new patch on and had to take that off within hours. It was really hurting apparently.

Oh well, more grumpiness to follow, although he wasn't too bad last night!

PlentyOfPubeGardens Fri 05-Jun-15 09:18:08

Yes loads of people react badly to the patches. He might do better with another sort of NRT, or even an ecig. Doubling up on methods is OK too and can make a big difference. It's great he's seeing a stop smoking nurse - that will really boost his chances.

It's normal to feel really irritable when you're stopping smoking but it's absolutely not OK for him to be abusive. He needs to take responsibility for himself - go off to another room for a bit, go for a walk, whatever, until he can be civil.

I'm not sure about your AIBU question. Maybe he could articulate his needs better but I get the impression (just from what you have written and I could be way off) it's more to do with him just not taking responsibility for himself generally. It seems daft for you to be considering busing across town with his patches when he could just take himself to a pharmacy and get some NRT. When he said 'shall I just stop giving up then?' he's putting the responsibility on you to come up with a solution instead of thinking of alternatives himself. Either way, it's probably best not to try to sort wider relationship issues just now while he's stopping smoking.

MammaTJ Fri 05-Jun-15 20:27:00

He has got an inhilator thingy and an e-cig his brother has given him.

I think you are right in that he does not take responsibility for a lot of things to do with himself. He does take a lot of responsibility for the DC and for running me around and works full time, so it sort of evens out.

Money, I deal with. He sees money in the bank as a challenge to spend, not as having to last till one of us gets paid again. I even hide some.

However, he could not have taken himself to the pharmacy, there is not time between dropping the DC at school and him having to go to work.

Yes he was trying to put responsibility on to me for him stopping giving up, but I would not take it. I am fairly able to correct that kind of bullshit! A quick 'Don't be ridiculous, just speak to the nurse' did the trick.

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