Or are my in-laws?

(23 Posts)
Wishful80smontage Wed 03-Jun-15 16:36:20

Posted my story yest in chat but I need some definitive opinions about whether I'm in the wrong here.
Oh and his sis fell out a few months ago.
Reasons for this - he'd always had a good relationship with his sis dc's but since we had a baby she had not made any real effort to spend time with baby a couple of visits and that was it. Oh had always visited her children and organised things so he felt hurt that she didn't seem interested.
They had an argument before Xmas.
She had made lots of snide remarks about never seeing him anymore etc he told her he was disapointed she hadn't been over to see our baby more. She went ballistic- telling him she didn't have the money to travel over to ours (10 mins away) and that we should be going to hers. She was very aggressive so he told her he would speak to her like that she needed to calm down and apologise. She then posted things about us on social media and deleted us.

On Xmas day mil wouldn't come to see our child as she didn't want to upset her daughter who she was spending the day with- oh didn't want to go over to hers to visit as his sis was still being nasty over texts and aggressive etc so we didn't want an argument. We didn't want mil to feel awkward so we didn't say anything but were upset that she wouldn't see her youngest hrandchild as would be upset sil.

Since then nothing's been said between him and his sister.
His mum has contacted him to basically lay the fault entirely at his door and that she's so disapointed in him.
In all this he's been verbally attacked on texts, social media by his sister he's not said a word.
His mother can't see that he's not the one in the wrong. Her daughter and her are very close- spend a lot of time going away together etc so I understand that she doesn't want to upset her dd but I just feel so sorry for my oh.

Today she's contacted oh and said although she blames us and is very let down by us - she doesn't want to talk about it anymore it's off limits.
Oh seems to accept this but I'm hurt- as far as I can see his sister has behaved badly for months enabled by mil and now we have to suck up a telling off and pretend like nothing happened. I don't feel ok with this-aibu?

PHANTOMnamechanger Wed 03-Jun-15 16:43:19

YANBU

shes obviously one of the MILs who thinks 'a daughters a daughter all of your life but a sons only a son till he gets him a wife'

I'll bet she doesn't see it as siding with one of her children against the other, she sees it as her DD vs DIL

Soduthen116 Wed 03-Jun-15 16:44:31

Sounds like the sister is jealous that she isn't the only one with a child now.

I would keep out of it if I were you op. Completely understand your feelings but it just might be better for your dh to all of you move on and not discuss it any longer.

As your own littie family grows I think your dh will gradually distance himself more from his mother and sister and pehaps care less.

Sil sounds spoilt.

BoeBarlow Wed 03-Jun-15 16:45:47

It sounds to me that your MIL has heard a different version of events from your SIL and believes her. Would it be worth your OH going round to see the two of them and them having a chat to clear the air just the 3 of them?

BoeBarlow Wed 03-Jun-15 16:46:18

It sounds to me that your MIL has heard a different version of events from your SIL and believes her. Would it be worth your OH going round to see the two of them and them having a chat to clear the air just the 3 of them?

pluCaChange Wed 03-Jun-15 16:46:38

So what are they actually intending to talk about, in the future? I can't imagine the relationship will recover well as long as this bloody great "foreign object" remains driven through the middle of it!

BoeBarlow Wed 03-Jun-15 16:46:52

It sounds to me that your MIL has heard a different version of events from your SIL and believes her. Would it be worth your OH going round to see the two of them and them having a chat to clear the air just the 3 of them?

Bambambini Wed 03-Jun-15 16:47:44

A "fuck off" wouldn't be out of order if what you've posted is accurste. I couldn't just swallow that and roll over.

BoeBarlow Wed 03-Jun-15 16:47:58

Oops sorry, don't know why that posted 3 times blush

LondonLady29 Wed 03-Jun-15 16:48:46

YANBU. When siblings argue (regardless of age) parents should try to mediate. It sounds as though your SIL can be aggressive and has bullying tendencies. As MIL and she spend a lot of time together your MIL is scared of upsetting her and probably being manipulated and lied to (or at least having the story skewed by SIL). It's not on that your MIL has taken sides and also she shouldn't really get involved. As for social media stuff from SIL that's completely U.

However, if your OH was harbouring resentment over whether or not his DS was visiting enough I don't think he dealt with the situation to start with. Instead of withdrawing in a passive aggressive way, he should have had an adult conversation with her about it. It seems like he approached the situation spoiling for an argument in the first place and playing the victim. Is he like this? Why couldn't he have said "DS we haven't seen much of you since baby was born, is everything ok? We'd appreciate if you could come round x y and z." So I think fault lies with both your OH and your SIL, although obviously she's dealt with it badly.

You shouldn't have to suck up a telling off from nosey MIL. Try and get OH to sort stuff out with his DS and tell MIL you're all adults and dealing with the situation and don't need her input. If SIL is unwilling there's nothing else you can do.

Tell MIL she needs to treat all of her grandchildren equally. Point out it's hurtful. She sounds weak and awful. Hope you get it sorted.

Soduthen116 Wed 03-Jun-15 16:50:21

The phrase used by phantom is true though. I adore my dil and would do anything for her but I am always aware of boundaries and her feelings far more than I am with my own dds. I think that's normal really.

Wishful80smontage Wed 03-Jun-15 16:55:19

Thanks all.
To clarify mil was there when the argument between my oh and his sis happened so she saw that all play out- whether she knows about the text between sister and my oh since I'm not sure.
I'm glad others see what I see. I do think that mil would have an easier life siding with sil especially as they spend so much time together I can see why she's done it but obviously I disagree with her completely sad

Wishful80smontage Wed 03-Jun-15 17:32:21

What would you do going forward then- seeing mil this weekend my oh says we should just act like nothing's been said.

Collaborate Wed 03-Jun-15 18:24:54

As with my family, parents often seem to take the side of or at least pander to the more twatty sibling as they are the one to go running to mummy and daddy when they feel they've been treated unfairly and they may fear that by being neutral or (gasp) telling twatty sibling they're in the wrong they would inevitably damage or destroy that relationship. Whereas your DH would be nice with them (parents) whatever position they take in relation to this.

Do you get the feeling I feel you pain, OP?

Collaborate Wed 03-Jun-15 18:27:15

I'd take (if I were your H) mother to one side and say that whatever he shows on the surface he's incredibly disappointed in HER and unless she can fuck off out of the barney with his sister and not take sides (which she HAS done) he will emotionally write her off.

Wishful80smontage Wed 03-Jun-15 18:31:32

I suspect you are right Colla sad anything for an easy life methinks, it's making me so resentful though I'm not sure I can suck all this up.
I think oh should speak to his mum and say that she needs to stay neutral but I'm not sure he will- he wants a quiet life too.

NRomanoff Wed 03-Jun-15 18:40:34

I think you are all being a bit unreasonable.

TBH, when your DH was visiting his sisters kids, he didn't have kids. She does, so I would expect her to visit less than he did. I would also say that just because he did something it doesn't mean sh automatically has to do the same. She is an adult and makes her own decisions and shouldn't feel obliged to do something because he did, under different circumstances. My sil babysat my 9 year old twice. By the time she had her own children I also had another baby and my dh worked evenings/nights. No way could have gone all the way to hers a looked after my eldest, baby ds and her ds.

The Christmas thing again you are all being unreasonable. Your dh could have visited and not spoken to the sister, your mil could have popped out to yours, your sil could have said 'I will come over after brother has been' etc.

The texting sibu. I hate stuff like that absolutely no need. She may have felt he was having a go at her in the first instance but still no need.

MIL is BU for taking sides.

At the end of the day, its his family so really the decision is his, if he wants accept what his mother has said. That said, you can decide whether you personally spend a lot of time with your mil or sil.

NRomanoff Wed 03-Jun-15 18:43:04

and to be fair to MIL, if she doesn't know about the texts then she may also feel that your dh was the one spoiling for an argument, in the first place.

Sconejamcream Wed 03-Jun-15 18:43:57

I'm afraid I couldn't keep my tongue still and would tell a few home truths. I can't bear people pandering to others in these sorts of situations. Mil has to face reality.

Collaborate Wed 03-Jun-15 19:17:38

But, Romanoff, the sister was the one to complain first about OP's H's visits tailing off. What's he then meant to do? keep quiet or point out her hypocrisy?

NRomanoff Wed 03-Jun-15 19:45:24

He told her was disappointed that she didn't go over to their s, so she may have felt attacked. I am not saying she is right. She moaned about not seeing him, he told he was disappointed in her. The sil and her mother may feel, he was attacking her.

Personally, I would have said 'yeah life is so busy when you have kids' or something along those lines. I wouldn't have told someone I was disappointed in them especially since he obviously isn't visiting her either.

To me it sounds like, he went hers when he was child free, but now expects that she should visit him instead of him going there. Surely they both could visit each other. It's all very silly.

ttc2015 Wed 03-Jun-15 20:12:52

Does she normally favour her DD over your DH/her DS?

To be honest, I would take them all off facebook, block them all. I would tell her you feel very let down by her favouritism especially given that she wa there to see Dsis bad behaviour.

What does your DH want to do about her? Not bother with her? Ignore her?

YellowTulips Wed 03-Jun-15 20:19:59

Resolving a dispute means both parties have to reach a compromise they BOTH can live with.

Saying "you were wrong and we will not discuss this anymore" doesn't sound to me like a great way to move forward.

Rather "let's ignore the elephant in the room until it suits me to discus it again".

Sounds like a great way to let resentment fester to me.

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