To think once a week is too often?

(88 Posts)
Allolla Tue 02-Jun-15 10:52:52

New poster but long-time lurker. I think I am overtired and probably being a shrewish martyr as a result. Come on, tell me I'm a cow!

DH and I have a 7 month-old, our first child. For many years before our baby arrived, DH did an activity with several friends every Friday night. (If I say what, it will probably identify me, but there's no booze or drugs involved.) I was fine with this as I would socialise with his friends' partners at the same time.

Now the baby is here, DH has continued with the activity each week and I stay at home with the baby. I am still on maternity leave, and DH argues that I get to socialise with other mums all week, whereas Friday night is the only social time he gets. My counter-argument is that me chatting to other mums (who I've only come to know recently) is like him chatting to his colleagues (with whom he is friendly) at morning coffee and lunch.

I have had two breaks from the baby since he was born: for a quick lunch with a friend, and for a haircut. Aside from his weekly activity, DH also takes time out for regular exercise, which I would love to do but never have the baby-free time.

I would like DH's activity to be less frequent - say once a fortnight or month - so that I could see friends without the baby now and again, or simply have some down time with DH where we're not rushing to get ready for the next day. If I went out every Saturday night, we would have no time as a couple. To top it all off, DH has committed to do his activity all day this coming Saturday too, even though we made plans to go to a family event months ago.

Other info which may be relevant:
- Baby still up several times a night and sleeps poorly during the day. Baby will often only sleep on me, limiting how much housework I can do during the day. Takes a while to get him to sleep, so using a babysitter would be tricky.
- Money is okay, but a regular cleaner would be a stretch.
- I do all the night wakings during the week and, as baby mostly breastfed, at weekends too. DH looks after the baby for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning so I can catch up on sleep.
- We have no wider family support.
- I have had severe PND (hospitalised briefly) and DH is currently suffering from stress (dislikes some parts of his job and new baby/ill wife). DH feels I don't appreciate how hard his job is.
- There have been Fridays when I was really struggling with the baby during the early colic months and DH went out anyway. Once, I begged him to come home and he did, but said I had embarrassed him in front of friends. Tbh, this really hurt me as I had no one else to turn to. I've told him so but he doesn't see the big deal.
- DH otherwise good at pulling his weight around the house, changing nappies, playing with baby while I do housework/pump milk, etc.
- Baby was a long time coming and we discussed division of labour at length, but clearly neither of us appreciated the reality.

anyoldnameforathread Tue 02-Jun-15 10:55:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 02-Jun-15 10:56:45

Sorry but i think YABU because presumably you could do just the same on a different night.

Obviously if you're ill / really struggling, he should stop at home but otherwise I don't think one nigt a week for a hobby is fine. Sorry.

I you getting support with the PND? thanks

CatsCantTwerk Tue 02-Jun-15 10:58:39

I think YABU. Why can you not go out to see friends on another night?

Allolla Tue 02-Jun-15 11:01:17

Cheers all. Week nights friends not often up for going out as working (we're old!) and DH often has work to do.

AuntyMag10 Tue 02-Jun-15 11:01:18

Instead of him changing his hobby night which he has always been doing, why not just pick another night to get together with your friends?

BitOutOfPractice Tue 02-Jun-15 11:02:44

Well the fact that your friends aren't up for a night out isn't your DH's fault is it?

Is there a regular hobby you'd like to take up?

EponasWildDaughter Tue 02-Jun-15 11:02:44

Aside from his weekly activity, DH also takes time out for regular exercise,

^ ^ How much time?

Once, I begged him to come home and he did, but said I had embarrassed him in front of friends.

^ ^ VERY unreasonable of him. This would have upset me too OP.

DH has committed to do his activity all day this coming Saturday too, even though we made plans to go to a family event months ago.

^ ^ Would need more details, but this sounds unreasonable of him too.

BarbarianMum Tue 02-Jun-15 11:05:16

<<If I went out every Saturday night, we would have no time as a couple.>>

Not sure that I understand this. If he goes out Fri Night and you go out Sat night then you have Sunday-Thursday nights as a couple plus Sat and Sun daytimes. You going out Saturday is no different from you going out Tuesday in that sense.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers Tue 02-Jun-15 11:05:30

You should have similar leisure time.

One night a week would be ok with me, although when the children were very small I would have expected DH to drop a regular meet up like this if they were poorly or if I'd had a totally hideous day.

Why is there no time for you to exercise if he can fit it in? There needs to be some compromise there.

EponasWildDaughter Tue 02-Jun-15 11:06:29

How about going out with your friends every other Sat? Not eating into too much couple time. And arrange some time out for yourself to go shopping, go for a coffee, or a hobby you'd enjoy - like he does.

hazelnutlatte Tue 02-Jun-15 11:06:53

I think you should get a hobby too - an exercise class one night a week maybe? I don't think one night a week for your dh's hobby is excessive but it does sound a bit unfair that he couldn't miss a few weeks during the horrible colicky phase. It sounds like that has passed now so you should both be able to have a bit of time to yourselves.

TwiceAsNiceAsIceAndaSlice Tue 02-Jun-15 11:07:15

While I totally understand how you feel, I do think YABU. One night a week isn't much really. You say he is stressed - I imagine this activity helps him unwind and is something he looks forward to and enjoys.

However there is seemingly nothing stopping you go out on another evening is there? I never wanted to be out at night when I felt so tired do much preferred lunch/daytime social activities anyway.

WayneRooneysHair Tue 02-Jun-15 11:07:22

Sorry OP but I think YABU, it's one night every week, it's not his fault that your friends cannot do another night.

What would you expect him to do if he didn't go out to his hobby, sit at home and play with the baby etc?

flowery Tue 02-Jun-15 11:07:44

"I have had two breaks from the baby since he was born....DH also takes time out for regular exercise, which I would love to do but never have the baby-free time"

Why, to both of these?

LaurieFairyCake Tue 02-Jun-15 11:09:58

Don't make it about the Friday night, make it about equal access to night and weekend leisure time (not daytime, it's not leisure time with a baby)

Then divide it up fairly - if he chooses to 'spend' his on Friday nights then he can't then go to the gym every night. There are two weekend nights so if he always has Friday then you always get saturday.

however Tue 02-Jun-15 11:12:57

YABU. Exercise in the evening when he is home, and once on the weekend. Same for haircuts, etc.

The first year is hard, I get that.

IHeartKingThistle Tue 02-Jun-15 11:13:46

I know it feels really unfair but it's more about you getting more breaks than him getting fewer. It also seems to me like you desperately need to get your baby's sleep sorted. So much easier to go out, feel normal etc. when you're getting decent sleep.

WowProjectingMuch Tue 02-Jun-15 11:14:01

You both sound a bit unreasonable. I think a night out for him once a week sounds good - and his argument that you get to socialise with friends during the week is true. I don't think it's comparable to him seeing work colleague said. I had a blast when my DC were around that age as they were not too much hard work. Onviosly it's more difficult if you have pnd ( understatement) hmm
I think it's healthy to maintain hobbies and friends outside the family unit

Can you go out on your own during the week?

kslatts Tue 02-Jun-15 11:14:52

Would your DH mind if you said you were going out with your friends once a week? if the answer is no then YABU.

ItsTricky Tue 02-Jun-15 11:16:04

YABU about the friday evenings. One night a week isn't too bad.

YANBU about the full Saturday if you've already got plans.

Could you join a Saturday morning class, leaving Saturday evening free to do something together?

DramaQueenofHighCs Tue 02-Jun-15 11:16:16

YABU - one night a week is hardly any time at all. If I was him is be very frustrated and unhappy with you being so controlling - work socialising is hardly the same as a club/activity. The fact your friends don't want to go out is not his fault. Why don't you find a club/hobby for one night a week yourself?

When our Ds was newborn hubby and I both had a night off for activities once a week. Now DS is 6 I have 2 nights a week, DH has one and we also have one night a week at an activity together (which DS now goes to as well sometimes.) You need to have your own interests.

BarbarianMum Tue 02-Jun-15 11:16:36

YY to equal leisure time, though. Even if you only have the energy to sit and read in a cafe, or go for an unaccompanied walk through town. If you have the energy to exercise or see friends even better.

spad Tue 02-Jun-15 11:17:22

You are struggling and your DH is ignoring that and putting his needs first.

He should be giving you encouragement, support and understanding.

Babies are wonderful, but very exhausting. In all of the wonder it can be a very lonely time.

Why can't you do an exercise class on one of the evenings he is there Mon - Thurs? Why wouldn't you have time together if you went out Saturday night? What about the rest of Sat and all of Sunday?

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