To think DH is taking the p***

[Clarella]

It's more of a question really.

What is a reasonable amount of going out/ drinking aged 39 with a child of 2.5?

I've also been pretty I well for some time, though on the mend.

My gripe is; within a typical month: one Friday out till 4:am drinking playing cards. Did make an effort however through his hangover.

Attend a barbecue, decide to stay a bit later and get taxi home, end up not getting taxi home, staying over and getting very drunk indeed, failing to inform me of anything till 9 the next day, then too unwell to come home till about 2:00pm.

Three to four other evenings out, of more 'reasonable' drinking (ie home about 11:30) and sort of linked to work - discussing things with colleague while watching football, a mid week pub meet sort of thing.

I have always found his going out hard to keep up with. My biggest gripe is how much it can be unplanned, get carried away, eats into the next day.


He has apologised, - this is an improvement as he usually sees it as totally his right - but I struggle to cope with my energy levels as it is. I can't envisage ever being able to have a second child and this kind of pattern?

Or am I being unreasonable?

I'd be ok with staying out all night if I had forewarning and it was planned. There are events coming up already planned as always, but then the extra unplanned unable to stop stuff creeps in.

He has several different groups of friends who he was at uni with living locally.

[AuntyMag10]

Yanbu, he is massively taking the p.
My dh would never do this as he is a responsible, mature adult with a family. It seems like your dh still wants his partying lifestyle.

[ThinkIveBeenHacked]

Do you ever go out? It doesnt seem too much time out with friends but the whole night and next day is not on frequently - there is a child who needs taking care of.

[maddy68]

The work things are ok (I think) I have to do a fair bit of socialising in my job and it is work.
I also think that going out until the early hours once a month is acceptable, providing that he comes home when he says he is. Just not coming home is not acceptable

When do you go out as a couple?
When do you go out with friends?

[AlecTrevelyan006]

does he ever see his kid???

[Clarella]

We were supposed to take ds swimming this morning as a familiy as ds asked. Luckily ds forgot but I know this will change as he gets older and I'm not covering for him. I be been off work since oct recovering from several illnesses but when i return my job does involve a level of work at the wkend.

Does the father also change too? I'm almost looking forward to Sunday morning footy practice for ds as DH will have to be here.

[ginghambunny]

YANBU, it's too much for one typical month.

I wouldn't have a problem with the once a week home at 11.30 ones - but out all night? No.

[PrincessShcherbatskaya]

Well I would say it's fair enough to have maybe one night out a week each and not have to be clock watching, although it's respectful to make sure you aren't totally out of action all day the next day and can help out and join in with family stuff.
Not coming home is totally out of order though, I really wouldn't be happy with that. I imagine that if you went out and didn't come home he wouldn't be too thrilled either.
It does sound like he's not really in control of his drinking which is what would concern me most. Does he drink at home when he's not going out?

[Moomintroll85]

Yanbu. My DP wouldn't behave like this either, and I would be bloody annoyed not hearing from him after a night out until the next morning

Going out sometimes is fine but he needs to take some responsibility rather then behaving like someone with no commitments.

Sorry you're having to deal with this. Do you ever get to have a night out?

[WorldsBiggestGrotbag]

Rule in our house is that anyone can go out as late as they like and drink as much as they like (within reason!) but it's not allowed to infringe on family life the next day. So DH knows that if he rocks up at 4am hammered he's going to be feeling pretty sorry for himself come 7am the next morning when DD is clambering all over him. I'm 35 weeks pregnant so doesn't much apply to me at the moment!

[RedDwarfPosse]

I would be extremely unhappy with this behaviour. He's a middle aged grown man with an unwell partner, a young child and a bunch of responsibilities but acting like a teenage bachelor who rocks up at home whenever it suits him...

I'm not saying that because he is a husband and father that he shouldn't be allowed out or to enjoy himself with his friends anymore, but he is taking liberties and it's not fair

[Clarella]

Gosh fast responses!

I suppose the bbq was us going together, his friends but I love them too.

My health has limited my ability to go out, though improving. We do try to do day time national trust stuff for eg, or go for Sunday lunch.

We managed to go away for a night last month as my parents had ds.

I feel a bit unreasonable as he IS trying to be more about at the wkend and help out, do diy, but it's taken a long time to get to this.

A friend came up last wkend. We saw them during the day sat, for sun lunch then I went back with her and had a girly eve with our other friends. Prior to that I think I tend to do my own going out once every 4- 6 weeks (though not for ages due to health).

I can't really drink at the mo. I feel hungover just from doing too much at the bbq yesterday.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Yanbu.

nothing wrong with going put but I find it rather rude that it's just assumed it's ok to make yourself completely useless for two days to come after. and let's face it it is around two days.

parenthood is supposed to be something done between the two of you not just opt out because you got a better offer.

[hollyisalovelyname]

Are you sure he's not seei g someone else?
Staying out all night.

[BathshebaDarkstone]

I'd be seriously having conversations about him changing his behaviour. DH gets rat-arsed very occasionally, and always comes home. It's usually after religious events.

[EthelDurant123]

My DH goes on a drink with his mates rarely now we have our daughter. He has his drunk compass so he can get his butt home at a reasonable time (that means by 1am usually). I think most dads modify their partying post baby. Yanbu.

[Clarella]

No definitely not seeing anyone else.

It's a 'hang over' from uni/ young professional days. 6 diff friends living locally from uni, 3 who know each other well, others know each other a bit, but diff offers come up regularly. One is also his work partner. So offers to stay over offered, but tbh DH is the one who often is the life and soul. I know one friend (my friend too now) said not many could keep up with him. Last time he stayed over at theres after an afternoon meal (plus everyone's kids) they firmly said they were going to bed half an hour after I left with our son. They have 3 kids, 7-1.

Then there's work events, more friends living in London etc

Ironically all he wants in life is what he's got; his own business and a family.

[Fairylea]

That would drive me crazy. Admittedly we are the other end of the scale. .. After fairly wild heavy drinking pasts we now don't drink at all ever and have no interest in going out with friends / nights out. We just love to be at home with the kids and each other (we are 34 and 28 and dc are 12 and 3). I wouldn't want to be with someone who wanted to go out like that all the time.

[Clarella]

Put it this way - I have always felt at times, that in order to cope with the social events, I have to not see my friends as regularly or at times at all, though partly as I have a demanding job and conditions that can leave me fatigued.

[AlecTrevelyan006]

a hang over from uni??? He's 39! He's taking the piss.

[yummumto3girls]

Trust me, if he is this self entitled now he is not going to change, once you have more DC's it will get harder. Some men just refuse to grow up!

[Eminado]

1. Agree with pp who said that your dh is not in control of his drinking
   

1. Assuming you are the default child care provider after these oh so spontaneous nights would fuck me right off.
   

1. Staying out all night with no comms is not acceptable behaviour for a married man, to me, nevermind a person with a child. What if you or dc were taken ill?
   

1. " Last time he stayed over at theres after an afternoon meal (plus everyone's kids) they firmly said they were going to bed half an hour after I left with our son. They have 3 kids, 7-1. "
   

I would actually be mortified at this. How annoyed must these people have been with his all night tendencies to have to say this?! He should be embarrassed people feel the need to set a curfew in their own home, talk about overstaying your welcome! Geez.

[Clarella]

It does drive me crazy but he has in the past made out im completely unreasonable. I must say, he has been apologetic regarding the bbq, I just feel I know it will happen again. As it does. Doesn't usually apologise so much so perhaps there's a start of a change.

[championnibbler]

its a bit much isn't it?
he's coming across like quite a big drinker too.
sounds like he's just not prepared to give up going out for quality time with his own family.
i know a couple like this. she's always in and he's out a lot.
he's 45 and has never grown up.

[Clarella]

Eminado, point 4 - they are both extremely fond of him. I guess after 20 years it becomes almost brotherly. He lived with the husband, they've all holidayed together many times. We are actually extremely lucky to have a wide range of lovely happy friends. That's when I feel unreasonable. It's the getting carried away mortal. Although I feel a little that I perhaps over the years have adapted my friendship circle to include his friends.

I do feel he hasn't really developed any other hobbies, his mates are his hobbies, though always involves food and drink. He's trying to get into cycling but it's not yet a routine thing.

I do think he's on the cusp of trying to change after some recent stuff, plus we are supposed to be going to counselling together very soon (trying to get it at a suitable time) and actually at his suggestion following the difficulties we've had through my illness. However, to be honest, the difficulties really arose from his inability to cope with real life, but I know that will slowly come out in the wash.

I honestly posted here to get a poll of what might be seen as reasonable?!

I'd happily be the couple who gave up drinking!

My parents wrote a letter to him in relation to some other stuff and he replied very well, and emphasised that me and our son were his priority. I think he's finding the transition to responsible adult a bit tough. We have had a shit time, difficult pregnancy, 'difficult' baby (though I came to realise we needed to listen to our child rather than try to train and control and I have bf throughout)

I just don't know if I am unreasonable being pissed off?!!

Despite apology I'm feeling in a big fat huff!!!!!

[AwayAndRunUpMaHumf]

My dh can also go out on a massive bender easily, and like yours is always the life and soul of the party. However he has wound that back massively since we had our dc. Instead of every weekend, it's honestly now about twice a year he goes out. (He can still go out for a few pints, it's just with a particular group of close friends he can go a bit ott and not return until the next morning. I know he stays at his mates house, whose wife isn't as 'strict' about her dh going out as I am) Anyway, I would be very pissed off at the frequency of his nights out.