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AIBU?

To stop seeing friend because of her attitude to infertility?

93 replies

SweetCharlotteRose · 31/05/2015 14:51

We can't have children, failed fertility treatment, donor treatments etc etc. we've kept it very private and hardly anyone knows.

One of my friends (3 easily and instantly conceived children) was talking about someone else she knows who can't have children naturally and has just had a round of failed ivf. My friend said that if it doesn't happen naturally you should just accept that there's a reason you aren't meant to have children and that perhaps you can't get pregnant because as a couple you're incompatible. She said it should be easy and if it's not maybe its nature's way of saying you shouldn't be a parent.

Now obviously she does not know my fertility history but Aibu to find it very very difficult to see her? She came across really smug - like 'look at me with my easily conceived healthy children, I must be so compatible with my partner.'
It's made me feel really sad. It's what you think to yourself in particularly dark moments, so to know other people think it too is horrid. It makes me very glad we've hardly told anyone if that's how people judge you if you're infertile.

OP posts:

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fiveacres · 31/05/2015 14:54

YANBU, but I would tell her, if I were you, about your history if you feel able to.

Some people find it very easy to cast judgement in the general but are horrified in the specific.

So sorry your IVF didn't work out

4candles · 31/05/2015 14:54

YANBU - I would avoid this friend.

SweetCharlotteRose · 31/05/2015 14:55

Yes - but she was talking about a friend (I don't know the other friend) who had confided in her. If I do the same she will likely say the same behind my back!

OP posts:

FenellaFellorick · 31/05/2015 14:55

Most people do not think like that.

If it is too painful for you to maintain the friendship then you have the right to stop seeing her. You don't have to see anyone who makes you feel bad.

How do you think she would be to you if she knew?

fiveacres · 31/05/2015 14:56

Then she's just not a very nice person and you shouldn't feel bad about dropping her.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 31/05/2015 14:56

She sounds horrible. Most people don't think like that. I couldn't be friends with her.

WorraLiberty · 31/05/2015 14:57

I'm sorry to hear this OP

She should absolutely keep her thoughts to herself and if she can't, then I wouldn't blame you for keeping your distance.

Some people do think that way, you said yourself that you sometimes think it to yourself too.

But there is absolutely no excuse for being a nasty shit, and voicing those thoughts to someone who you know can't conceive naturally.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 31/05/2015 14:58

So sorry IVF hasn't worked for you. She's talking rubbish. Utter utter rubbish. Fertile genitals do not a parent make (or something like that). Nature doesn't pick and choose, nature is chance and luck.

I hope you are able to put this behind you it's really not how most people think.

Orange6358 · 31/05/2015 14:59

She really has no idea what she's talking about. It could have easily been her who had infertility issues - I bet she she wouldn't have put it down to incompatibility if she'd struggled to conceive. What a silly cow.

Grumpyoldbiddy · 31/05/2015 14:59

Shame that her ideas about natural selection don't extend to nasty minded, two faced cows. YANBU.

scarletforya · 31/05/2015 15:00

Yanbu

She sounds like a c**t. I would drop her without compunction. If she asks why, tell her.

MileyVirus · 31/05/2015 15:00

Your friend is an idiot. As if fertility has anything to do with relationships compatibility. Some people are unbelievable nasty.

Nabuma · 31/05/2015 15:00

She is a narrow minded, thoughtless, ill-informed and soulless idiot. Drop her. You don't this kind of shit in your life and if she genuinely believes what she is saying she is not worth having as a friend and if she doesn't, but is generalizing then she is very short sighted and this mindset no doubt extends to other areas of her life and attitudes. Seriously, tell her to fuck off and don't look back. She said that about a friend?! Who needs enemies, eh?
I feel for you

fiveacres · 31/05/2015 15:00

Yes, but Worra there is a difference. It's a bit like when you feel guilty after a bereavement - it's normal but not rational. The OP thinking SHE is being denied the right to raise her child is hugely different to someone else stating all infertile people are being steered that way by God or something.

RackofPeas · 31/05/2015 15:00

That's a depressing attitude to have. Yanbu to drop her and her smuggery.
Thankfully not everyone thinks like she does.

meandjulio · 31/05/2015 15:02

Christ. Why would you want to see her?

I think even if you did something quite normal like go to the movies together you'd be tense waiting for her to say something equally shit. I reached the point with one person where I actually started prodding them in conversation to talk about the topic we disagreed on, in order not to be waiting for them to bring it up!

I'm afraid nobody gets through life without bad times so there will come a time when her life is not quite so straightforward. I'm sure you're not a horrible person who would be waiting to say 'perhaps you're just a bad parent/wife/daughter/person' but in order to avoid that perhaps it's best to leave her to it...

Orange6358 · 31/05/2015 15:02

There are loads of incompatible people who have kids and loads of compatible people who don't have kids.

Blu · 31/05/2015 15:02

It sounds as if she has caught herself up in some sort of silly 'justification' of difficulty, and extended the (silly) 'it wasn't meant to be' thing without actually thinking it through.

Given that she is a friend and that the person she speaks of is a friend I would challenge her directly. Say 'Do you think science and biology work out who deserves a baby then?' or 'Would you say the same to someone who has cancer? 'oh, it just shows that you are ready to die and leave your relationship'? See how insensitive that sounds?' or 'I doubt mutual friend would see it that way, in fact she might find it very hurtful, especially from someone who sailed into 3 and doesn't know how it feels. You may want to re-think a bit'.

THEN if she fails to change her tune, drop her. But give her a chance to rescue herself from her own idiocy first.

Bizarrely, nice people say the daftest of things sometimes.

And: it is her - not you. It is a biological / medical accident. Infertility is not a value judgement. to you.

MarshaBrady · 31/05/2015 15:03

Yanbu you have every right to dump her for being so ridiculous and nasty.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/05/2015 15:03

I would find it difficult to be around someone who has fuck all idea about the hell of infertility yet spouts the absolute bollocks that she does.

She sounds dreadful and completely lacking in empathy.

BathshebaDarkstone · 31/05/2015 15:04

YANBU, and she's horrible.

Goandplay · 31/05/2015 15:07

You're right it is the things you think in your darkest moments - that's why it hurts.

Many people have lots of opinons that haven't been thought through because they live in a bubble.

It's shitty that you had to listen to her opinons with what you've been through. I wouldn't tell her anything about your treatments only for the reason she is not a good confidant.

Her opinion is definitely in the minority. Many people say to me it's always the people that have difficulties that would make excellent parents.

YANBU

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tobysmum77 · 31/05/2015 15:07

She sounds like a lovely friend . Maybe you could just email her a link to the thread?

lljkk · 31/05/2015 15:08

If she was a good friend & I saw a lot of other things about her & the friendship that I liked, then I would tell her why the comments were upsetting.

We are all ignorant arses who say stupid things sometimes. See if she is someone who can change her attitude for the better.

If she turns around & says nasty things behind your back, then maybe she's not someone whose opinion you should hold in high regard? Better off out of your life, etc.

Dannygirl · 31/05/2015 15:15

OP for what it's worth I agree with Blu - if she is a friend it's maybe worth trying to educate her a bit before ditching her - which by the way you would be totally reasonable to do, in the circumstances. We went through 4 years of IVF and there were so many people making similarly stupid, insensitive and narrow minded comments who I wanted to slap or avoid altogether. You don't need to tell her about your own circumstances if you don't want to. Infertility is so personal and painful. Sending you very best wishes xxx

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