My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

... to not offer to give back donated baby clothes?

54 replies

Nessalina · 28/05/2015 20:04

One of my cousins has just found out she's pregnant again. She already has a three year old boy, and when we had our baby last year, although we hardly ever see her (not very close due to age gap & distance) she donated via my aunt a big old box of clothes and quite a few toys, which we were very grateful for. We double checked that they weren't a loan, feeling like it was a bit odd to be giving away stuff that they may use again, but my aunt said she was apparently swearing blind that they weren't having any more kids.
So all her donations got mixed up with our own purchases, gifts etc. Once he'd gone past the age ranges, we boxed up what we will use again (hoping to start trying again later this year), and charity shopped the rest.
Now she's pregnant again, I'm worried that she'll expect clothes back, if not the same ones, then an offer of what we have, but I really don't want to give any away when we will be using it again in the future, and I don't want to loan it out as that gets super complicated... If she'd indicated at all she might want them back I'd have labelled them and kept them separated! I don't even know if she'll ask, but I've no idea what I'll say if she does!
So AIBU to just keep my packed up baby clothes for no.2 in my loft and not offer them to her??

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 28/05/2015 20:30

I think l would offer to give her back the items she let you have but not necesssarily the ones you have bought yourself.
You may find she actually doesn't want them back

TedAndLola · 28/05/2015 20:32

I think the problem is that Nessalina doesn't remember which items were given by the cousin and which weren't.

What a tricky situation! I think you should try and put it out of your mind since the issue might never materialise. If she does ask, say you have already passed them on to someone else since you had checked they weren't a loan?

TedAndLola · 28/05/2015 20:33

I only suggest lying to simplify things because if you explain she might want to go through everything to try and find "her" items and that would be super complicated and awkward :/

Hopefully it never happens!

MrsHathaway · 28/05/2015 20:33

If just clothes, no. But if she gave you anything big like a moses basket or rocking seat or similar you should really offer it back.

Nerris · 28/05/2015 20:37

I wouldn't offer it back as it wasn't a loan. However if she asks for something specific then maybe offer to have a look for it, but you could explain you'vee most of it into storage now until you have any more children.

Unfortunately you shouldn't give things away if yyou can't afford to replace them again. If the post was reversed and you were asking for the items back, I'm sure most people would say you were BU.

petalunicorn · 28/05/2015 20:48

I would have felt like this after dc1 and would probably just keep quiet in your situation and hope she doesn't say anything, but actually by the time I had my subsequent children and I knew other people with children I realised that lots of people just pass all their stuff around. I got given loads of nice stuff by people I hardly knew and have since learnt it's better to just pass it all on. It feels good and everyone benefits.

Nessalina · 28/05/2015 20:49

That's a good way of thinking about it. I'd certainly not expect back anything I'd given away...
My mum kept most of the toys she gave us so he has something new to play with when he's over there, and it wouldn't be an issue to give those back if she likes. So maybe if she does ask, I'll just have to be honest and say that I didn't mark which were hers, I've given a lot away, but if she wants toys back or any specific clothing item I still have, then she's more than welcome?
I feel better with a plan of action!

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 28/05/2015 20:50

If she asks for them back I would return what you can.

Goldmandra · 28/05/2015 20:54

I think I'd be able to sort out some of the clothes and toys that had come from her amongst those I had kept and offer those back. I'm sure I couldn't guarantee I'd found everything but I'd try just for the sake of goodwill within the family.

Icimoi · 28/05/2015 21:04

Why didn't you ask the cousin direct whether it was a gift or a loan, rather than your aunt? I remember hearing my mother confidently tell a family friend that I was stopping at two, never having bothered to ask me. Little did she know that I was expecting DC3 at the time.

Nessalina · 28/05/2015 21:10

I rang and thanked her for the bits at the time, but we're not that close, and I just felt a bit awkward saying 'so these are to keep yeah??' Confused
So I got my mum to double check with my aunt later Blush
I have literally no clue what stuff was hers, we got a lot of handmedowns from another friend too, and it all got mixed up. If she said 'oh do you have that purple stripey baby grow',or something, I'd certainly try to root it out.

OP posts:
ocelot41 · 28/05/2015 21:18

You can always just say what you have said here - that you didn't keep them separated out and don't remember what's what. But I disagree with some others here on this thread - I think you should offer her a loan, making it clear that you may need stuff back later. She helped you out when you needed it, so its only right to return the favour.

Who knows? This baby may be totally unplanned. Or she may have thought she absolutely didn't want another and then changed her mind. Its not really relevant - what matters to that you are kind to the person who was kind to you.

Rockinghorse123 · 28/05/2015 21:21

I gave loads of clothes away. I kept big things but ds had shed loads of clothes in each size and storage was a nightmare. I'm pregnant again and I don't expect stuff back. I'm happy to buy again and ive kept anything I really liked or wanted.

NinkyNonkers · 28/05/2015 21:22

Can you not remember which bits you bought At least? I would prob pass back a bag of random stuff I hadn't bought if asked.

Rockinghorse123 · 28/05/2015 21:22

Plus I dint have the expense of buying the big things this time and asda/Morrisons etc do lovely stuff really cheap

tilder · 28/05/2015 21:23

You need to give them back.

Seriously, go through the boxes. Am sur you will have a fair idea what was yours. Especially the special stuff you bought.

She was generous enough to give/lend/whatever them to you. The least you could do is return the favour. It will take a couple of hours max.

Grumpyoldbiddy · 28/05/2015 21:23

If I were in your position, I would explain that I didn't separate the clothes, but have put some clothes away for DC2 which I am happy to loan to cousin and use again for new baby

Rosieliveson · 28/05/2015 21:29

If I was in your place, I would ask her or ask auntie to let her know, that you do still have some of her things saved and if she wants anything specific you would be happy to look for it.
I feel quite sure she wouldn't just expect everything back. I doubt she can remember what everything was either!

WanderingAboutRandomly · 28/05/2015 21:29

I try and find the stuff she lent you. How about just phoning her and telling her that you are sorry but saying what you have said here. You could photo some items and ask her if any are hers. I wouldn't worry about the fact you've given some items away.

ConnortheMonkey · 28/05/2015 21:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nessalina · 28/05/2015 21:43

The thing is, I've just kept enough stuff for when we have a 2nd sprog (which hopefully won't be too far into the future) and I've only kept stuff that I really liked, it's probably only 2 boxes all told for 0-6 month age.
I HAD lots of other stuff I could have given her, but I've already given it to charity, so anything I handed over would have to be a loan.
And I really feel like loaning baby clothes is more trouble than it's worth for both borrower and lender.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 28/05/2015 22:17

I would still feel obliged to repay the kindness by having a quick look through to see what I could spot. I know I would recognise some of the clothes that came from one particular person.

I get that you want to keep all the nice stuff you've selected but I wouldn't feel very comfortable with that.

Newsletters you might like

Discover Exclusive Savings!

Sign up to our Money Saver newsletter now and receive exclusive deals and hot tips on where to find the biggest online bargains, tailored just for Mumsnetters.

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Parent-Approved Gems Await!

Subscribe to our weekly Swears By newsletter and receive handpicked recommendations for parents, by parents, every Sunday.

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Siennasun · 28/05/2015 22:26

I was given and loaned loads of baby clothes. The friend who had loaned stuff wrote her name in the clothes so I knew which were hers.
When I was done with the clothes i gave back the loaned stuff and passed on the other clothes. It really wasn't any hassle for anyone.
I would feel mean not to repay the favour and would just loan the cousin what I had but make it clear I wanted the stuff back. Unless there is some reason you don't think you will get it back?

froggyjump · 28/05/2015 22:28

You don't even know yet if she will ask, so I would just wait for now - maybe buy her some cheap babygros and vests from Asda when her new baby comes, as a gift, as you were appreciative for the gift she previously gave you.

MrsHathaway · 28/05/2015 22:31

Thinking about it, chances are she now knows lots of other people with stuff to pass down. At school pregnant women have to fight off the offers! I really don't think you should worry that she'll go short or have to shell out £££.

I like your idea to offer to look out anything in particular. There are a few things all three of mine have worn as tinies ::sniff::

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.