AIBU to have left my daughter at a playdate

[ram2014]

My dd is 6 and has anxiety. It used to be so bad she would cry to the extent of bein sick everyday at school. After 6 months we pulled her out of school amd home educated her. After almost a year she seemed like a different child and wanted to go to school again. She has been going for 8 months amd, although still shy and anxious, she is getting along fantastically and has made lots of friends. Anyway, she has had a few friends come back to play and has been to their homes, but today was the first time she was going round her best friends house. She was so excited, until we stepped foot inside the front door. Them she burst out crying and saying she wants to go home and is going to be sick. We eventually managed to calm her down, and I am just about to leave, when she bursts out crying again. And again we manage to calm her down. Before she again starts crying. I just didn't know what to do. I figured once I left she should be okay. So after 1 hour and 15 mins I eventually tell her I am going now and will be back in a minute, and basically run out the door. It was so emabarrassing. For me and for the other mum. And I felt so sorry for dd's friend. I just didn't know how to handle the situation. She has been there for an hour now and so far I haven't had a call asking me to come ans pick her up, but I am sitting by my phome waiting forthe call. I just don't know how I should have handelled the situation. And whether I should have take dd home with me rather than leave her to play.

[ram2014]

I am so sorry about my poor spelling. Fat fingers on my phone to blame!

[twentyten]

Sending you. Sounds to me that you did the right thing but I am no expert! Hold your nerve. She will be fine.

[WipsGlitter]

Did you explain beforehand to the mum what it would be like?

Can you try shorter periods of time like "DD you are going to be here for one hour and then i will come and get you" so she knows it is not forever!

I think you have done the right thing but there needs to be some structure to it maybe?

[FenellaFellorick]

I don't have any experience of dealing with that so have no advice about how best to deal with the type of anxiety you describe (advice from someone with no idea what they're talking about is useless and sometimes harmful) but big totally, completely and utterly 100% mumsnetty!!! hugs because it sounds hugely stressful all round.

Did you talk to the other mum about it? Did you agree with her what to do in the event your daughter is upset? Can you send the other mum a text to ask her how it's going? does your daughter have a set end time that she knows you will be there to collect her?

[HighwayDragon]

Why did you leave?

[NinkyNonkers]

Could you stay? My eldest is a year younger but similar, all play dates are still accompanied.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Make op feel worse than she does, dragon
But since you ask to get her dd used to spending time without her I guess.
Hi op. If you've had no call the chances are dd is having a whale of a time. Just to reassure you I was an anxious child. I would cling on to my mum going into school and be shaking and vomiting. I still feel the fear now, but I've mutated into. Strong confident self sufficient women, I can vouch it won't last forever. Is your dd receiving counselling.

[ram2014]

I wasn't expected to stay, she has been to other friend's homes and them here and the parents never stay. I also didn't expect her to react like this so the other mum didn't get a heads up. The other mum was fantastic though amd really understanding. Her daughter is also lovely too. I just didn't know what to do and now I feel so so guilty leaving her like I have let her down. I suffer from anxiety too (which is probably why dd has it), so I understand how she feela when she gets anxious. That is why I feel I have let her down. I just didn't know what to do. :-(

[ram2014]

Thank you iliveinalighthouse. No she isn't receiving therapy. I think it is assumed she will outgrow it. She does though have a fantastic teacher who helpa her and understands her extra emotional needs. Honestly think her teacher is the best thing since sliced bread! And I really hope she is a confident woman like yourself when she grows up.

[RB68]

Check in with the Mum now (phone I a thinking) - apologise etc if you feel the need and suss out how things are going. Most Mums have had this at some point. My DD is a funny mix of overconfident knowing almost teen to under confident, nervous shy still 7 underneath (although she is now nearly 10). She will get there.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Glad she's got a lovely nurturing teacher that's half the battle. My teacher was horrid probably part of the reason for my childhood anxiety.
I mean most teachers like your dd's they take nerveous children under their wing.
Ask her (teachers) advice about counselling. Although I had none and I've turned out fine but things are different now and people are more educated and aware of such matters

[sparkysparkysparky]

Been through and occasionally still going through this. In my experience other mums totally understand but would prefer you out of the way. Even if little one is anxious at the start.
We recently had one pal here for a sleep over (dd is couple of years older than yours) and the Mum, who I would have thought of as chilled out, texted me every hour pretty much. My dd is far too clingy to go for a sleep over at a pal's herself but small steps is the way to go.
We have the school anxiety thing too and have asked for a referral to school nurse service . Just to see if they have any thing useful. It is that goodbye moment and anticipation of it that is the main problem, I think. Once she is there she is fine (and even denies anxiety of earlier that day).
Don't be disheartened by little set backs. Try and do things to build her physical confidence. Whatever she likes - believe it or not, our little one loves climbing centre and her bolder pals are too nervous.
I hope it goes well today and I really feel for you

[Dixiebell]

I think you did the right thing. I bet she calmed down after you left, it's like when you drop them off at nursery when they're small, they just get on with it 5 mins after you leave and have a lovely time.

I'd text to say sorry for the scene, hope all okay, that's perfectly reasonable. In fact if I was the other mum, I'd have texted you I think.

Then next time you do it, maybe agree with the mum that you'll stay for 30 mins for a cuppa or something before you leave, and let DD know that you will do that and then leave. Then she knows what to expect, and will have a bit of time to settle in with you there before you head off. And yes, let her know how long you'll be - maybe just an hour or so and build it up?

[sparkysparkysparky]

If you also feel anxious in general, how about a pyjama day for you and dd. Everything off message; movies , hang out on the sofa, sit in the garden in your pj's if you have a garden, paint each other's nails (Claire's Accessories ) , do each other's hair. A Day off from the usual She's moving away from little girl towards young girl and a bit of "you two" time might be an idea. Might make her feel like a big girl.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

No, not at all. If the other Mum had texted to say that she's still upset and you ignored that, then yabu.

She had a wobble, lots of children do in new places and surroundings. I think its important not to downplay it but to reassure her that its normal to be a bit nervous sometimes. Agree with her what to do the next time especially if you have made plans for the period that she is at the playdate.

[sparkysparkysparky]

I agree with Tread about not downplaying or dismissing her feelings. Telling her it's Ok to be nervous and talking tactics (if she wants to) can help.

[Cocosnapper]

Please take this in the respectful spirit it's meant, but by removing her/staying with her for 90mins, isn't that kind of enabling the anxiety? I ask because I'm currently having therapy for anxiety and one of the things I was told was to make sure that my DP didn't enable me to avoid stressy situations, by making sure he left when he said he would, and pushing my comfort zone a bit.
Hope that makes sense!

[Cocosnapper]

Interesting that you think she might have it because you do - do you think she's inherited it or that you might be allowing/causing it, or both?

[Starlightbright1]

I would suggest you text mum, check in...Otherwise you are going to worry yourself senseless.

If it seemed right, maybe it just was.. You know your DD better than anyone else on here

All I would say is don't beat yourself up whether it has worked or not for doing what you thought was right

[MayPolist]

Spot on cocosnapper The more you buy into it these anxieties, the more you are sending the message that there is something to be afraid of.

[Marmiteandjamislush]

Did you, could you explain DDs anxiety to the other mum? Is she a mum friend you could have a with and tell her what you have put here? I think if you told her, or can tell her YWNU. 2 of my DNs have additional needs and I used to help out my sisters a lot when they were younger and many of their friends had similar anxieties to your DD. As long as the host knows it's nothing for them to worry about it should all be fine

[MrsBobDylan]

I think you handled it just fine. You left in the end and in this instance, no news is good news so you can assume dd is playing happily with her friend.

[IndecisionCentral]

I have an anxious 4 year old. I know he'd be worse next time if I'd left him, but he's younger and you know your own child.

FWIW I've recently got this book which is basically a kids guide to anxiety with a bit of CBT type strategies. I've been quite impressed, so may be worth a look.

[ram2014]

I will have a look at that book, thanks.
So, I resisted the tempration to call and left her to it. Just picked her up and she is absolutely fine! She is so happy and the mum said she was fine. In fact she asked the mum if she could stay longer!
I think perhaps I enabled the anxiety this time. Lessom learnt. Next time I will leave sooner, and let the parent know in advance she might be teary but will be fine once playing.
I also know it is my fault she has anxiety. My mother also has anxiety and depression, so it seems to be a cycle repeating itself, (except I don't have depression). I am suffering from ptsd for something which happened last year, but am getting better. I am also very understanding of my dd's anxiety and, along with her teacher, am tryig to help her by boosting her confidence. She is muh better than she was this time last year, so that is great. She told me the other day she is a shy cat. I said it is absolutely okay to be shy, not everyone has to be loud, which I think comforted her.
She has been invited back over, so all turned out great in the end!

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Hi Ram. Glad it went well and fantastic that she wanted to stay longer, I said she'd be hsving a whale of a time, didn't I