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AIBU?

To ask to go to see consultant/GP with DH?

64 replies

nearlyhadenough · 28/05/2015 09:39

I will try to make this as easy to understand as possible....

I have been married to DH for 23 years, so I know him fairly well! He is known for being a bit of a storyteller, there are MANY incidents - but I don't want to list them as they are not what I am here for. I just need to set the scene that he is capable of lying and I am able to pick up signs/feelings when he is doing so.

This time last year he began to lose weight - not that he was overweight to begin with - and this caused both of us concern so he went to the GP and was referred to the local hospital for tests. I now this happened because I (sneakily) read a letter that came detailing the consultation - but he hadn't told the consultant the truth..... (that initial appointment was mid -September) DH had further appointments at the hospital presumably to monitor weight/further tests.

At the end of October DH told me that during these tests they had found a small tumour on his lung. Apparently things were now looking good and this is why he was telling me now - he hadn't told me when he found out as he didn't want to worry me.

He said he had been having weekly injections of a drug (he couldn't remember the name) that sounds like 'crisp packet' to shrink the tumour and that it appeared to be working well.

I didn't react to this news as it all sounded a bit odd to me. I did some research the next day and found the cancer drug cisplatin (the nearest to his description) which is used to treat lung cancer - but it is given as an infusion over several hours not an injection and not on a weekly basis. (I am aware that experimental treatments are happening all the time).

DH has had no adverse symptoms - he has diarrhoea but that was present when he was losing weight - but not mentioned when seeing the consultant. He has had no time off work, he does not appear ill in any way, he has not lost any more weight, he has carried on completely as per usual.

A letter came and, yes, I was naughty and looked, it said that DH's weight loss had stabilised and his care was being transferred back to the GP. DH does not know that I have read this..... Letters have not been from the Oncology Dept.

DH's diagnosis was not even mentioned again until during an unrelated discussion I told him that I wasn't sure about his illness and wanted to see the consultant with him, or at least have both of us see our GP together to get the details.

He said he rarely sees the consultant - he goes in to the hospital (doesn't say which department) where a nurse gives him an injection and 10 minutes later he leaves. He won't go to the GP with me as he says there is nothing on the GP's computer as he asked for no information to be kept as he decided to 'just get on with it and not tell anyone'. I asked him to arrange to see his consultant so that I could go as well.

That was 3 weeks ago - nothing had been said so I asked him about it. Apparently the consultant is on holiday at the moment so the next time DH can see him is on the 25th June. He still won't go to the GP with me.

AIBU to want to clarify the situation with a consultant/GP??????

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 28/05/2015 09:43

It is strange that he does not want to discuss it further with you but you are very unreasonable to have read his private medical letters. Wife or not, they are his and it is up to him who he shares them with.

If he doesn't want you to go with him to see the doctor that is his choice and you have to respect that.

Coconutty · 28/05/2015 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fatstacks · 28/05/2015 09:47

What will happen when the GP knows nothing and you find out DP has lied about having cancer?
Will you leave him?

(Worst case scenario but that's the question you need to think about)

Cocosnapper · 28/05/2015 09:47

Have name hanged for this. He's lying through his teeth. You're right about cisplatin. And that wouldn't be the only thing he would be on, and he'd likely be feeling very unwell. Plus a diagnosis of lung cancer is really not good at all.
He's akdi being very cruel to lie and let you worry - and insult your intelligence.
I don't know how much info your gp will give you though, your husband is within his rights to refuse your presence at the appointment.

Has he been prescribed anything else that you can see?

Good luck, I feel for both of you.

nearlyhadenough · 28/05/2015 09:53

NerrSerr - I agree 100% that I shouldn't have been reading his private letters. But desperation makes us do things we would not normally do. It is his choice but why tell me if he didn't want me to be a part of anything further?

Coconutty - it is my belief (and I can only assume) that he is using this as a smoke screen to stop him having to face up to another issue that was happening prior to this. If he is ill then he can be excused his other problem.

OP posts:
marmaladegranny · 28/05/2015 09:55

Oh I can so relate to this! Obviously the simplest solution is for you to accompany your husband to all appointments but that is not always easy to do. In these days of patient confidentiality it is not easy to get information without your husband's co-operation.

Is his GP the same one, or practice, as yours? If they are and you have a good relationship with the doctor I would suggest that you make an appointment and go to see the GP on your own and tell them what is happening. If he is withholding his diagnosis from you, in denial, then the GP or consultant should be made aware of this. If he is spinning you a tale then they also need to know as it may be indicative of a different problem.
The 'nothing on GP computer' sounds strange to me.

Good luck - you have my sympathy as I have been through this and know how difficult it is. Do you have family you can discuss this with?

nearlyhadenough · 28/05/2015 10:00

Cocosnapper - there is not a single item of medication to be found! I used to work with children diagnosed with cancer so am aware of the need for anti-sickness etc. etc. This is why it does NOT add up.

Fatstacks - I suppose it all depends on his reasons. I have allowed him to put me through soooo much in the last 20 odd years that this just may be the last straw for the marriage.

OP posts:
Ionacat · 28/05/2015 10:03

It sounds really odd that there is no information on the GP computer. OH has been treated for lymphoma and GP has all the details as it is an important part of his medical history in the future. It would be odd for it not be passed on. Sounds like something is amiss, I've had three close family members have chemotherapy and although with some types the side effects were minimal, he still would have been advised to avoid crowded places and normally there is a list of foods to avoid as well.

nearlyhadenough · 28/05/2015 10:04

marmaladegranny - finding out when appointments are is not easy (they don't really exist anymore???) but the next one is June 25th so I will be booking the day off work and see where it gets me. Not that DH wants me to - he seems to think it's all rather unnecessary and that i am completely unreasonable.

OP posts:
Cocosnapper · 28/05/2015 10:05

What do you think might be the issue he's covering with this?

As for "nothing on the GPs computer" that's nonsense.

Muddlewitch · 28/05/2015 10:06

I was with someone for years that would lie, it is very difficult as you end up not being able to trust anything they say or take anything at face value, even little things. It's a very draining way to live.

I find it very difficult to believe the GP would have no information. I have very regular hospital appointments for a Neuro condition and am copied into dozens of letters from the consultant to my GP updating him on what is happening. They do this very carefully and in detail, not because I have ever asked or agreed to it (not that I mind) but because if I went to the GP for something unrelated they need to know everything so they can adapt their treatment accordingly (eg I went for period help they adapted their usual course of action due to my meds etc that might not agree with it.) I find it very difficult to believe your DH is having treatment/medication and the GP is not aware. Also, because in case of an emergency it is the GPs details that are on medical forms so would be the port of call for anyone treating you, so they need to know. It really doesn't ring true to me I'm afraid.

Cocosnapper · 28/05/2015 10:06

OP in your shoes I would be FURIOUS.

Fatstacks · 28/05/2015 10:06

Nearly I'm not of the LTB persuasion, we stay in relationships for lots of reasons and I try and Imagine what advice would be given to my own DP if he listed all my foibles Smile

Having said that this is a biggie. He is clearly being dishonest with you, what is his intention?
Even if he is hiding something worse, why?
You can't spend the rest of your life trying to puzzle out what's fact and fiction that's no existence.
Flowers

Koalafications · 28/05/2015 10:09

This is SO bizarre.

Why would he lie? Confused what would he gain from it? Are you doing loads more around the house now that he is 'sick'?

2rebecca · 28/05/2015 10:16

A cancer diagnosis and chemotherapy would not be kept from a GP. Chemotherapy affects your immune system and if your husband refused to let his GP know he was on chemotherapy most oncologists would refuse to give the medication as the potential for things going wrong and inappropriate additional medication being prescribed/ infections not being adequately treated is hugely increased.
I couldn't live with someone I didn't trust.
It sounds as though communication between you is awful even if he does have cancer. He is keeping you at arms length and treating you like an overconcerned acquaintance not his wife.
It sounds as though the last straw was used up long ago.

purdiepie · 28/05/2015 10:22

OP, seriously, what on Earth are you doing living a life with this psychopath? You have enabled this behaviour for twenty years. Leave the maniac, for frig's sake.

Cocosnapper · 28/05/2015 10:28

Purdiepie, unhelpful.Hmm

passthewineplz · 28/05/2015 10:41

He's lying, if he was having chemo he would be having side effects from the treatment, need anti sickness medication and the oncologist would write to his GP after every cycle to let them know his prognosis and any medication that he has been given.

Also he would have been told to use a condom when having sex, as chemo is toxic.

He obviously has had some medical issues hence seeing a consultant, I'd Google the consultants name to find out what they specialise in, then confront your DH.

What a horrible thing to lie about, I had chemo for tumors in my lungs and liver - the diagnosis was scary and I was poorly from the chemo, and spend 2 nights in hospital every other week for 4 months. Yes some chemo drugs can be given by injection, however he'd still have some side effects.

Cocosnapper · 28/05/2015 10:47

Which dept are the letters coming from?

I wonder whether he was REALLY worried about his health, decided it was something terrible and then had this ruled out by the hospital. And just on gut reaction Id bet that the letters are from a gastro related speciality.

So, you can be sure (pretty much) of a few things;

  • he's not got Cancer
  • he's not dying
  • he's lying, badly
  • he's allowing you to THINK he has a tumour in a very serious place


He sounds like an arse, but a frightened one. Under what circumstances does he generally lie, OP? Is he a fantasist, or a protector-type?
WipsGlitter · 28/05/2015 10:49

Well, it certainly sounds like he is lying to you. But why?? If he was to get extra attention or lots of people pandering to him I could see why but has that been the case?

Where did the letter re his weight and being transferred back to the GP come from - what hospital department?

PoppyFleur · 28/05/2015 10:52

OP - do you in general have a good relationship with your husband? The reason I ask is that you mentioned that your husband has put you through so much, I just wondered if he is a bit of a drama queen and attention seeker?

My uncle used to be waited on hand and foot by my aunt, when their children needed more attention from my aunt (exams, sports tournaments etc.) my uncle would self create drama to readdress the balance. He honestly wasn't even conscious of what he was doing.

I am not excusing the behaviour but could this be at the route of your husbands antics?

Zipitydooda · 28/05/2015 11:20

Could you 'innocently' go to the GP to discuss the effect that your DH cancer diagnosis is having on you and ask if there are organisations you could contact and leave it with GP (if you both have same GP).

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nearlyhadenough · 28/05/2015 11:25

I will try to answer some of your questions and shed more light on the situation.

Cocosnapper and Fatstacks - I think he is covering up a lot of things. This 'diagnosis' came on the back of me being frustrated about our relationship - and voicing this, especially with regard to our (lack of) sex life. He has been unable (unwilling?) to have sex with me for years, or even have very much of any kind of physical affection or contact. Two years ago I said it needed to be looked at or there was no point in us being together as I needed more from a relationship (I can do without sex - not affection anymore). We looked at going to the GP about this but nothing ever came of it. It was shortly after bringing this subject up again that he told me of his illness.

The letters have been sent from the 'Care of the Elderly Team' laughable when he is only 45!

He has lied in the past to cover things up - affairs and friendships, saying his DD was dead.

Life has not changed AT ALL - he goes to work, so do I, everything is the same.

Purdiepie - I think I already know this - I just need to find the strength to get away. Unfortunately, I still love him.... I know, I am a mug!

OP posts:
Cocosnapper · 28/05/2015 11:28

Oh sweetheart that sounds so hard! What are you waiting for? Do you want to be thinking and feeling the same thjng next year? Five years? Ten?

From another thread:
"Marriage is a partnership between equals, two people forming an alliance for mutual benefit."

Where's the benefit for you?


He'll carry on behaving like this, because he always has, and you've always tolerated it.

Athenaviolet · 28/05/2015 11:31

Given your last post this I'd definitely a relationship you need to rid yourself of.

Who lies about their child being dead?!

Get out. Don't look back.

There can't be any reason to stay with such a disturbed individual.

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