To expect my adult children to return home after uni?

(219 Posts)
stepmothersknockers Thu 28-May-15 09:00:18

I can't see how any young people are supposed to live independently these days. All my friends seem to just accept that their children are still living with them in their 20s and even 30s.

Unless we stump up house deposits (not possible) or tell them that they can only 'survive' as a couple, how are they going to live independently?

DH wants us to get a bigger house to accommodate more adults. I sort of want to buy a flat so they can't come back. ;)

fiveacres Thu 28-May-15 09:09:59

I think it is reasonable to allow, rather than expect, them to return for a period. I would not object in the slightest to my children returning ages 21/22, working and saving for a time.

I would expect, assuming no major catastrophes, them to be on their merry way aged 25 or so though. After all, if in three years they haven't saved enough for a house deposit then that would be indicative of some major financial troubles.

If you bought a flat, could you help with a deposit for each of them? If yes, then this sounds like a reasonable plan. Have you ever discussed this with your kids, what do they think & how old are they.

FWIW, I moved out the minute I had a rental deposit. I'm still renting, 10 years later. It's almost impossible to save if you are stuck paying rent on low wages in this country. Wish I'd stuck it out a bit longer.

Mehitabel6 Thu 28-May-15 09:10:49

Mine came back until they got a job and then moved out. DS is renting in London- he has a lot of outgoings but he is completely independent.

Mehitabel6 Thu 28-May-15 09:11:31

The others don't live in London and so it is cheaper.

mumofboyo Thu 28-May-15 09:13:21

I don't think it is actually that expensive to live alone. From the age of 24 I rented a bedsit, then a 2 bed house, as a single person. I worked two part-time jobs and claimed no benefits and easily had more than enough money to cover all my outgoings.
I think we see lots of things as necessities when actually they're not, for instance Sky TV, broadband internet, a car etc and it's not difficult to live without them. If a young, single person rents a small house/flat on a full-time wage and lives within their means, they can manage easily.

CtrlAltDelicious Thu 28-May-15 09:13:50

Depends where you live in the country and whether you can go straight from uni into a well-paying job, which obviously isn't easy. I managed to go from uni into independent living but was lucky as started a good job and lived in a tiny flat in a dodgy town. It wasn't much and I messed uo money-wise to begin with but it taught me no end.

redfairy Thu 28-May-15 09:14:11

I was extremely pleased when DD (now 28) didn't return home after graduating as she found a job local to where she was studying and has stayed away from home wver since. Part of this was due to finding her partner with whom she shares living costs. Were she in her own who knows!
I would hate for her to return but don't feel I could downsize in the meantime just in case ☺

Theycallmemellowjello Thu 28-May-15 09:15:00

It depends what their employment prospects are really. Are they applying for jobs in their final year of uni? If they have jobs lined up then all you need to do is lend them the deposit for a rental place. If not then they probably need to come home for a bit while they search.

TheAwfulDaughter Thu 28-May-15 09:15:43

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merrygoround51 Thu 28-May-15 09:17:26

Maybe for a short time - a year max but if they get a job immediately they move out and rent which is what I did.

watchingthedetectives Thu 28-May-15 09:19:35

My oldest will come back soon - he has agreed to pay the rent equivalent but into a savings account to build up a deposit.

We luckily don't need the rent money but he needs to learn to live within his means and save a bit!

In London so no other way to build up a deposit easily

Snowberry86 Thu 28-May-15 09:20:53

Don't buy them a flat or get a larger place.

Let them find their own way in life!

I have just bought my second home and et to live in it knowing every brick was paid for through my own hard work. No gifts from parents, no inheritance, no windfalls. Hard work, a few years in rental saving every sore penny and so damn hard work at work to gain promotions so that now at 29 both myself and DH have a combined income of £90+.

It is doable. Help them if you can and you wish, but don't feel obligated to.

It is easier than ever to get a mortgage, lots of lenders only want a 5% deposit, lots of new build company's do first time buyer schemes and interests rates are low so repayments are affordable.

They won't be able to have the uni lifestyle of going out drinking several times a week but they will learn to prioritise, budget and feel a huge sense of achievement when they have saved their deposit.

basketofshells Thu 28-May-15 09:21:44

We live in the middle of nowhere and are considering moving partly for this reason. If they did come back there'd be no work for them around here, but we can't see how they'll manage without coming home for a while. But we won't be able to move until dd2 has left school, and dd1 would already be finished with uni by then.

When I left uni I couldn't return home because my own parents also lived in a place with few jobs. But I was able to stay away by claiming unemployment/ housing benefit for a couple of months, then I got bar work which allowed me to rent a room in a shared house, then I got onto a graduate programme that paid enough for me to rent a room in London. All that would be a lot harder now. I don't think the benefits would be there for under-25s for a start, and my parents had no money to give me.

We're thinking of locking their (small) savings into a 5-year ISA that matures when they're 21/22, and calling it their first month's rental deposit, but that's really only a start.

PeppermintCrayon Thu 28-May-15 09:24:00

They can live in a houseshare can't they?

Your thread title is misleading btw, it sounds like you are a bit clingy rather than referring to finances...

Out of interest have you stopped to think about the people who can't go back to a parental home and how they manage? Your DC are lucky.

Pootles2010 Thu 28-May-15 09:25:16

They do manage, of course they do! Normal solution is house sharing - I shared with a girl I worked with for a while, until I was ready to move in with DP. He lived with three other blokes, it's pretty standard I think?

Having said that, my sister moved in with mum & dad, and had a deposit saved up a lot quicker than I did.

TwigletPiglets Thu 28-May-15 09:27:13

My DD has coped with no financial support from us. Finished uni two years ago, got a job in London 22K starting salary and living in a flatshare affording rent and living costs. Yes she is practically breaking even but her salary will increase.

Having said that, she does speak of coming home and how much easier it would be with the pressures of a new grad job.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Thu 28-May-15 09:30:30

I guess it depends how easy they find it to get a decent job! I moved home for about 8 months while I was temping/proper job hunting. Then got a place on a grad scheme 100's of miles away so had to choice but to move out. I split up with my very long term BF in the 8 months I was home so found a tiny house to rent by myself (money was tight but it was doable) and have lived anyway from home (8 different houses/flats/5 counties and 3 countries) since. None of my friends went home for long after uni but they all seemed to be lucky with finding decent jobs.

Redhead11 Thu 28-May-15 09:30:50

I did live with my mother for 2 years after college, but she had a very large house so we could have separate sitting rooms (i was newly married) so spent time apart or could spend time together. I have no idea how she tolerated us. DD2 might have to come home for a short (very short!)time when finishing uni in 2 years, but i hope she doesn't. I love her dearly, but she has been away from home for too long for me to want her back here. And no way would i have DD1 back home for any reason! Mind, she has been gone for 7 years, and is well past the stage of wanting to return home, if she was ever at that stage. Kids now seem to think that they are entitled to run a car/have Sky etc, but forget that their parents had to work hard to get these things.

SaucyJack Thu 28-May-15 09:30:53

YANBU- although the thought frankly terrifies me.

DP and I are the poor renters generation ourselves- we simply don't have the room here for five adults (once all DC have grown up). But obviously if they've got nowhere to go then they'll have to stay.

The poor are only going to get poorer. We'll be back to Victorian conditions soon.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp Thu 28-May-15 09:31:12

What's wrong with renting? Most of my friends in late 20s/early 30s just don't expect to own property, unless they inherit or have deposits gifted by family.

When I left uni, I got a job straight away and still renting 8 years later. I took a loan out to cover initial deposit and buy furniture etc, my parents did help with this as I couldn't get a loan in my own name, so my dm took one in her name and I made the repayments each month.

I can see if they're not employed things would be more difficult. My brother went home and claimed JSA for a few months until he found work, and then moved away for that job and still rents as well.

NerrSnerr Thu 28-May-15 09:31:55

It wasn't too long ago I graduated. The vast majority of my friends and I all had part time jobs and we all saved up for deposits etc. most of us shared houses for at least a year after graduating. Some got jobs in pubs and shops until they got a graduate job. I have seen a huge shift in attitudes from parents in recent years, that students and graduates are still children and need spoon feeding.

I think part of it is some parents nowadays don't give their adult children at university any financial responsibility. Why worry about where rent will come from because mummy and daddy will pay thousands a year.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag Thu 28-May-15 09:32:45

Another one still renting here at 30. That's life now I'm afraid!

purplemunkey Thu 28-May-15 09:33:10

I would expect, assuming no major catastrophes, them to be on their merry way aged 25 or so though. After all, if in three years they haven't saved enough for a house deposit then that would be indicative of some major financial troubles.

Seriously?! Bloody hell, I moved home after Uni and in with my boyfriend at 26 (renting). I am responsible enough with money and was in constant employment but there is no way I could have saved enough for a flat deposit in those few years! I saved as I earned but it paid for each year's holiday, Christmas and then my deposit for renting a flat. Did you mean for renting or did you really mean for purchase?

I'm still with same boyfriend 10 years later and are now plus a cat and a baby but still rent as there's no way we can save enough for a house deposit whilst renting and working where we do (work in central London, live in suburbs). We have a combined income of 80K plus but to get on the property ladder we'd either need to come into money somehow or live on a very low budget while we saved like hell. We like our life so we're continuing to rent for now.

PtolemysNeedle Thu 28-May-15 09:33:20

We are a few years off this yet, but I'm expecting my dc may well have to move home after uni too. It seems like they'll be very lucky if they can sort a job and somewhere affordable to live straight after university with the way things are at the moment.

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