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AIBU?

Salsa dancing and angry DH

127 replies

mimishimmi · 27/05/2015 14:13

So my DH has been sleeping on the couch and cold-shouldering me since Monday night when I tried out a free salsa dancing class (my first ever salsa dancing) at a local hotel which runs them weekly. He knew beforehand that I was going as I did tell him and the kids. I already have a dance background with flamenco which I continue to dance. I liked the class ... we were not partnered up with any one person and basically the women were all in a circle with the guys rotating among us. To be fair, there did seem to be a few 'singles looking for love' type of attendees (among the women I talked to beforehand anyway ) but I've just really always wanted to be able to dance it and know the official moves - not the super sexy skimpy clothes style of dance, just the normal social type of dancing. I am planning to invite him for the next class (and it's a hotel anyway so if he really didn't want to try he could just come and have a drink and watch). This cold- shouldering is not new, he's done it a few times before until I've given up whatever it is he doesn't like or broken down and apologised profusely. I talked to a simply gorgeous woman after the class and told her that I'd love it if DH came, she said 'good luck with that, ten years and I've never convinced mine'. AIBU to attend ( as a married woman) or if not, how should I approach this with him?

OP posts:

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Hmmm2014 · 27/05/2015 14:17

I go to dance classes regularly. Not salsa, but similar. I think your husband is being very unreasonable. So what if singles go? You don't have to shag them, just dance with them!

Your h's behaviours raise other questions though about how he treats you. It doesn't sound as though he shows much respect, and his sulking is very childish.

WeirdCatLady · 27/05/2015 14:17

He sounds very very controlling. I couldn't live with someone like that.
I'd be very tempted to tell him to grow the fuck up or get out.

Fudgeface123 · 27/05/2015 14:20

Yes it's very controlling I agree. Do you have any male friends OP?

Justusemyname · 27/05/2015 14:20

Not another one

What a dick head he is. What a mug you are to allow him to dictate what you do with YOUR OWN life.

mimishimmi · 27/05/2015 14:24

No, I don't have any male friends and that is not the reason I am going .... actually only really talked to the women :)

OP posts:

EponasWildDaughter · 27/05/2015 14:25

He feels uncomfortable with you dancing (physical contact) with other men and either doesn't know or doesn't care about how to deal with it; other than to emotionally blackmail you into not going.

YANBU to want to go dancing. Sit down with him and calmly tell him his behavior is unreasonable, that it's not going to stop you going, and that he is welcome to come along.

Lets see what he says.

BadgersArse · 27/05/2015 14:26

he is just controlling you

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 27/05/2015 14:26

He's a twat.

Cold shouldered you until you've given up something you enjoy and watched you cry then apologise profusely?

Twat!, you don't need to give up the dancing but you should give thought to how he regards you and address it by telling him you aren't tolerating it anymore.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 27/05/2015 14:36

YANBU to try something new and how ridiculous of him to sleep on the couch since.

Suggest he come along next time and see what goes on. You are going anyway whether he turns up or not.

lunalelle · 27/05/2015 14:43

This is totally irrational on his part. I wouldn't care if DH went out dancing, nor would he care if I would. Generally, we'd go together but if for some reason one of us doesn't want to/ will be bored, the other would never dream of making the other give it up as well.

ImperialBlether · 27/05/2015 14:44

Where the HELL do these men get off?

OP, sit him down and tell him to stop ruining your life. Tell him he's welcome to come to the dance if he wants, but what he can't do is tell you not to go.

Summerisle1 · 27/05/2015 14:45

I was once married to a man like this. Note the use of the word once. Only every time I planned the most harmless social activities he'd get stroppy and behave like a toddler. I well remember the fuss over a 6 week course of tennis coaching that I had the brass neck to sign up for. Ridiculous! All I can say is that even though I had small dcs at the time, life became so much easier after we split up!

Nobody should be putting up with cold-shouldering and anger as a means to control you. This isn't how healthy relationships are conducted.

Does your DH have a social life himself, incidentally?

mimishimmi · 27/05/2015 14:49

The last time he did this within days after our flamenco concert at the end of last year. It was ostensibly for another reason (which I can't remember now) but I know, and knew then, it was because of the dancing. There were no males in that particular dance though - most of them are under 18 and the only males my age were the ones in the audience (which was large but still ... mostly other dads!). I can still remember feeling miserable about his lack of enthusiasm/ flat response afterwards and think I posted on here about it at the time in response to someone experiencing similar. I've been doing flamenco since my teens so obviously one thing I haven't caved on.

OP posts:

mimishimmi · 27/05/2015 14:52

To be fair, he hasn't told me directly not to go and that's not his style. He's barely spoken to me since..

OP posts:

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 27/05/2015 14:53

No he's hoping the silent treatment will break your resolve.

Don't cave.

lunalelle · 27/05/2015 14:55

No, he's just punishing you in another way, which makes it a bit worse, even, not better.

Summerisle1 · 27/05/2015 14:58

To be fair, he hasn't told me directly not to go and that's not his style.

Well no, it won't be his style. It never is with men like this. Instead, they wear you down in the hopes that no activity is worth the grief. Their ultimate aim is to control what you do and, as a bonus, make you apologise for having the nerve to try and have a social life.

honeyroar · 27/05/2015 14:59

Leave him on the couch until he grows up. Keep enjoying your salsa and talk to who you like. He owes you an apology. Don't give in this time either.

Personally if I was continually getting behaviour like that I would be leaving.

FenellaFellorick · 27/05/2015 15:03

Please stop begging forgiveness. He is a bully

splemp · 27/05/2015 15:07

Welp, your husband has feelings about this. You can either sit down and discuss it reasonably in the hope of achieving a reasonable outcome within the context of a loving relationship between human beings...

...or you can treat it like a war and say "fuck you, you're a twat, I'll do what I like".

I would certainly not just go "he's a twat" and start out on the offensive before you've exhausted the alternative possibilities - that's the sort of thing people who don't care about their relationships do.

CarmelasFridge · 27/05/2015 15:07

It's not dance classes you need, it's therapy to help you see how crazy your situation is.

Littleen · 27/05/2015 15:10

Ignore him, he's being an idiot.

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mimishimmi · 27/05/2015 15:12

Thanks splemp, that's the sort of thing I'm thinking too. I can imagine there's be a lot of women who'd get upset if their DH wanted to do it too. I know I would be if my DH said I wasn't welcome... I just don't know to raise it with him at the moment so I can invite him along. He has never danced with me... ever. We had an argument about this back in my teens when we first got together.

OP posts:

OnlyLovers · 27/05/2015 15:13

Does he think it's the nineteenth century?

Ignore the sulking and sofa-sleeping. Carry on cheerily going to your class (and any other social things you want to do).

Longer term, I'd think carefully about what kind of person he is and how happy you are with it.

PS I'm v envious of the flamenco! I've never done it but it looks beautiful.

TheChandler · 27/05/2015 15:17

His cold shouldering is completely over the top, but just to provide another perspective: I dumped a boyfriend because he took up salsa dancing. It wasn't so much to do with controlling him, I just find salsa dancing a really irritating type of hobby and I didn't want to go out with a salsa dancer. Whereas I am happy to have a relationship with someone who does outdoor, active sports which don't involve women prancing around in high heels taking a subservient role, making small talk with men who wouldn't get a look in otherwise or with marital escapees who want to safely flirt, and which are all too often part of the singles scene. So it put me off him as I thought we no longer had much in common. (He is still single, but has had many short term relationships with women in his salsa class).

Admittedly you were a dancer before you met him, but I just want to give another viewpoint. If you mix mainly with salsa dancers or people who would like to try salsa dancing, they will of course all be very enthusiastic about it. But its certainly not something I'd be looking for in a partner.

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