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AIBU?

To get upset that my OH hasnt proposed...

51 replies

catladywithnocats · 27/05/2015 14:09

Ok, so we are pretty young - in my eyes anyway - at 23 and 24, to get married. Not sure we're 'There' yet you know? But I do dream of our big day and have loads of ideas and stuff and he knows all that. He always said that he wasn't ready yet which is fine as we're young, and that he may change his mind as he gets older. (He see's it as a bit expensive and considering we don't own our own home yet its not top of priorities - which I agree with)
AND I did say don't propose until i'm at my goal weight - which ISNT happening as of yet.... :(
But now his bestest friend in the whole world is proposing to his GF of 2 years (We've been together 6). He used to be a bit of a 'LAD' so just never saw him beating us to it....
Was absolutely chuffed of course, its super exciting and we all love his GF and they are perfect together blah blah...
BUT, I cant help but feel a little sad.... Not sure if its Jealousy, as I'm genuinely happy for them. But just a little sad its not us, and sad that we're not 'There' yet.... Every things going in slow mo for us - I still don't have a 'Proper' job so cant really save for our house. Stuck renting and STILL haven't got any closer to this bloody goal weight of mine...
I had a flicker of a thought, that what if, it isn't meant to be....
That might be what made me sad...
Can you be utterly in love with someone, and want to spend the rest of your lives together but life just isn't on your side somehow?
Someone please reassure me......???

OP posts:
TedAndLola · 27/05/2015 14:18

In the kindest way possible, I have to say you don't sound ready for marriage either. It sounds to me like you want the wedding more than the marriage, or at least that you want to get married mostly because of the wedding. Nothing about your life will change afterwards, expect possibly your surname and title. Many people dream about their wedding day but that will be over in a matter of hours and then, in theory at least, you're with this man for life.

Focus on the things that will change your life and quality of life in a massive way - getting a good job and career, saving up for your own house that you can decorate and do what you want with. A marriage license and what is effectively a party where you are the star are nowhere near as important, especially at this stage in your life.

WorraLiberty · 27/05/2015 14:19

Your thread title is a bit misleading because I was going to say, just propose to him.

But your problem seems to be your job, your weight and the fact you're renting.

Those things might take a lot of time to change, so why not just enjoy living together?

Lots of people have very long and happy relationships without ever getting married.

pinkyredrose · 27/05/2015 14:19

I do dream of our big day and have loads of ideas and stuff

just never saw him beating us to it

I cant help but feel a little sad.... Not sure if its Jealousy

but life just isn't on your side somehow

You are seriously overthinking this. Why the big rush to get married? It's not a competition. You mention your weight twice, if you go on about it in really life then maybe your is waiting for you to lose weight before he proposes? Just a thought.

Why on Earth wouldn't life be on your side? Why is life against you?

Honestly you sound like you just want a wedding rather than to be your partners wife.

pinkyredrose · 27/05/2015 14:21

maybe your partner

Justusemyname · 27/05/2015 14:22

Life isn't on your side? Hmm

If you want to be married, get married but it sounds more like you want the fancy pants party. That isn't going to happen any time soon, is it?

CrystalMcPistol · 27/05/2015 14:23

I don't want to sound mean but you do sound a bit immature to be thinking of getting married. You're sad he hasn't proposed even though you told him you not to propose (because of your weight!). You're feeling competitive with other couples around you.

You're only 23, that's so young and in my mind far too young to be thinking about matrimony. What's the rush?

Claralikessage · 27/05/2015 14:25

You do not have to wait for a proposal (this is not Victorian England) Just ask him and stop being so silly. I know you are young but you are not a child.

Buildmeabuttercup · 27/05/2015 14:33

Me and my dp are 23 & 24 too. We probably won't be able to afford to buy a house but that's life. We don't plan on marriage any time soon, even though we have been together for 7 years and have a dd I still feel too young. Marriage doesn't guarantee a happy loving relationship of course otherwise nobody would be divorced!

It doesn't sound like life is against you, you sound like a normal young couple struggling to get in the housing ladder like most of us are. I'm also nowhere near my goal weight, but I'm working on it. Eventually I'll get there and I am sure you will too. None of this means that it's not meant to be though, you're just overthinking it a bit.

Summerisle1 · 27/05/2015 14:37

Again said kindly but I don't think you are ready either. Because you seem to be planning a wedding here. Not a marriage.

EponasWildDaughter · 27/05/2015 14:41

I think you want a 'wedding' rather than a marriage, too. Sorry OP.

You're not in any way alone, however. At the risk of sounding like an old codger; i do think many of the young 20 somethings spending/borrowing thousands for one extravagant day are in it for the excitement of the day - not the fact that they want to get hitched to the person next to them on the sofa for the next 50+ years.

I got married very young (19). I got married a second time 3 years ago. This time around i would have been content to marry my husband just the two of us plus the minister under a cardboard shelter, fat or thin, wearing a bin bag! We just wanted to be married. To me that's the way it should be.

Slow down and let things be. You have years ahead of you to keep planning the wedding, or even change your mind completely!

Kvetch15 · 27/05/2015 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbarianMum · 27/05/2015 14:45

When you want to make a lifelong commitment to him - regardless of your weight, regardless of the dress you'll be wearing, regardless of whether you are surrounded by friends and family or alone at a registry office, regardless of the cake, the flowers, the coach and 4 - then you're ready to marry.

pinkyredrose · 27/05/2015 14:47

But having said that I do wish you the best that life can offer OP. Please don't think that life is not on your side. You seem to be doing ok, just seem to be filling your head with worrying about unimportant things instead of enjoying life.

Btw I love your username! Get a cat or 2 maybe!

viva100 · 27/05/2015 14:47

Hmmm I've been there and then grown out of it when I realized I had some kind of fantasy in my head and really wanted a wedding like everyone on TV. So childish but I'm not judging you because I think we've all had these thoughts at some point. I am now engaged to DP and this time it really is about wanting to be married and it feels really good. We're both mature, been through a lot together, travelled, built our own careers and lives outisde the relationship and now we really want to get married because we're so good together, not because I want a fancy party or to 'beat' someone to it. It's a phase, get on with your life and once you've grown up a bit more and are ready then you can start talking about marriage.

VelvetRose · 27/05/2015 14:48

Just ask him yourself. I know I'm a lesbian so it's a bit different but I don't get the whole "I have to wait for him to propose" thing. As far as I can recall DW and I just sort of decided it together!

viva100 · 27/05/2015 14:48

And what Barbarian said ^

YsabellStoHelit · 27/05/2015 14:59

So you SPECIFICALLY told him not to propose until you hit your "target weight" and are now complaining because he has stuck to this?

Forget about anyone else right now and focus on things you can change. If you are unhappy (which it sounds like you are) then you CAN change things.

If you aren't happy with your job, actively look for another. It may take a while but if you never look you will never find anything.

If you want to retrain investigate it and see if you could do it around current job (at night classes etc)

If you want to buy a house start saving. If you can't save look at your budget and see if you can make changes. Check insurance/utility providers for the best deals and xfer the savings into another account (you won't even notice they are gone if you do it asap) Otherwise look at jobs which pay more and save the difference.

You mention your weight as well. If you want to loose weight then get some help/advice from docs or online and do it. ANYONE can do this. All it needs is willpower and determination.

YOU have control over your own life. The sooner you make some positive changes to put in place things to change the stuff you are unhappy about the sooner you will not care so much what anyone else is doing.

mrschatty · 27/05/2015 15:01

You clearly just wanted to get your feelings 'out there' but I'm confused- your not 'there' yet- do you mean in your relationship? Because a marriage doesn't matter how much money where your living etc. I was married at 23. And would have done it just us 2 in a registry office because all I wanted was to be Mrs chatty and Mr chatty wife- couldn't care less about the wedding!
Also you told him not to propose until you basically give him the go ahead poor guy is probably v confused esp if your giving off passive aggressive jealous vibes...

SaulGood · 27/05/2015 15:01

I never wanted to get married. It just didn't figure high on my list of priorities. I knew that I would spend my life with DH as soon as we met (we were just teenagers) but this had nothing to do with marriage. DH proposed to me when we were penniless, both studying, living in rented student digs. It was an important thing for him. It had nothing to do, in my mind, with spending our life together however.

You sound like you want a perfect wedding. There's nothing wrong with that per se. It's not a life together though. That happens with or without a piece of paper.

What do you want? A commitment to remaining together or a wedding? With hindsight, particularly seeing so many friends marry, divorce, cohabit etc, the two things are very different.

You sound dissatisfied with life in general. You may just be pinning that on the idea of a proposal.

helenahandbag · 27/05/2015 15:39

DP and I got engaged at 24 and we're getting married in April, when we'll both still be 25. We're young but the difference is we're doing it for the marriage, not the wedding. We're eloping and not taking any guests because neither of us want a big circus wedding, we would get married wearing bin bags at the end of the street but we agreed to make it special just for us and combine it with a big holiday.

You sound like you want the attention that an engagement brings, and the glamour of a big wedding. What do you see happening after the honeymoon is over?

ChickenLaVidaLoca · 27/05/2015 15:40

If you specifically told him you didn't want him to propose until you'd lost a certain amount of weight, YABU for being upset that he's adhering to your request. That said, YANBU to want to change your mind. That's fine, you just can't then expect him to be a mind reader. You are still quite young, but I got engaged at your age and we're still going very strong in our 30s. Why not discuss it with him? You actually sound a bit confused about what you want and it might be a good thing to sit down and hash out plans and priorities together.

RagingJellyBean · 27/05/2015 15:45

I agree with what everyone else is saying - you sound like you want the attention & the party more than a marriage.

DH and I got married in a small registry because that is all I wanted - to be his wife & his partner for life.

Don't get married for the wrong reasons!

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formerbabe · 27/05/2015 15:48

I do dream of our big day and have loads of ideas and stuff

Do you want a marriage or just a party? If its the latter, wait till your birthday and throw a big party.

You both sound far too young to get married.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/05/2015 15:52

Look, kid, if you whine at him until he proposes, you will spend the next several years on here whining that....
He's not excited enough about the colour of the serviettes you want at the reception/he doesn't agree that it would be incredibly romantic to have your rings delivered by a live owl doesn't everyone want their new outfit sprayed with owl shit?
His evil best mate is threatening to book strippers for the stag night and get your chap so drunk he fucks one
He doesn't want a baby so you're going to stop taking the pill without telling him
You're not pregnant yet even though you stopped taking the pill
He's always out with his mates
He's having an affair
YOu're having an affair


You are much too young to be wasting your time worrying about marriage. Focus on your job or get a hobby. There is so much more to life than weddings.

Whiteshirt · 27/05/2015 15:52

Agreeing with pps that you are nowhere near ready to marry, not because of your age, but because, in the nicest possible way, you sound immature and confused about the difference between planning your wedding and the actual marriage. DH and I got married in jeans on our lunch break with just a pair of office workers as witnesses, while living in a tiny London mousehole - I think it cost about £150 in total. Nothing stopping you doing that, if what you really want is to marry this man, rather than having a 'big day'.

Nothing wrong with a fancy wedding, either, obviously, but don't confuse it with a marriage. Why not focus your energies on getting a job first?

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