AIBU sorting out mortgage with ex

(49 Posts)
sitdownabcheck Tue 26-May-15 14:10:09

i split from my ex last year after a 12 year relationship, we have 2 young children. i am remaining in the house and the divorce is going through due to unreasonable behavior on his part. We are in the process of trying to arrange a consent order and we both want certain terms writing up in this. he has agreed to child maintenance and to pay half the mortgage until either the children are 18 or i am ready to buy him out or sell up however my question is if i meet a new boyfriend how will this work? we have had hypothetical discussions on if i meet someone but how much say would he have on my new partner visiting the house/sleeping over ?? i have the children with me permanently as he doesnt really show an interest (although i do try to encourage him seeing them) so the only way i could establish a relationship is having somebody come to my house. ultimately i would love to buy him out but this isnt an option and i would not want to rush a relationship to moving in point if the relationship isnt ready.

understand that this is hypothetical im just wondering what my rights are, i hope ive explained myself properly.

Thanks

PtolemysNeedle Tue 26-May-15 15:05:27

I don't know what rights you have, I'd suppose that was down to the lawyers drawing up your agreement, but I think it would be fair for your ex to have no obligation to pay the mortgage if someone else moves in. It would be wrong for you not to be able to have people to stay if you wanted though.

mynewpassion Tue 26-May-15 15:17:54

Can he afford maintenance and half the mortgage while housing himself readonably?

Most I've seen on MN and in real life, a new partner moving in triggers the release of mortgage payment and commence buyout. Now, he can have it written that the new partner pays the ex's share of the mortgage as rent to him so no buyout.

sitdownabcheck Tue 26-May-15 15:18:53

thanks for your reply, i wouldn't move someone in but once a relationship had developed would like to be able to have a boyfriend stay over. i just don't want to have my ex say that i need to buy him out or sell up after being in a relationship for 12 months which is what it sounds like he is saying. i'm drawing up the consent order with the solicitors so i'm sure they will advise me. i couldn't afford to pay the mortgage on my own and don't want to be telling any future boyfriends that if they want to stay over then we will need to be thinking about living together in 12 months...

Newbrummie Tue 26-May-15 15:24:22

My ex tried to stipulate that if I moved somebody in he would cease all payments pmsl, all reas on does seem to go out if the window when new blokey appears on the scene though. Judges prefer a clean break these days though, is there no way you can take the equity, get the mortgage payments included in child support and then a house in your own name ?
I am waiting with baited breath to hear what mine is going to suggest any moment now he can suddenly afford a solicitor funded by his mother with the intention of screwing his children.
My advice is get this done quickly, the longer it goes on the less sorry they are for their behaviour and the more entitled they become, I ignored that advice and it's cost me dearly

sitdownabcheck Tue 26-May-15 15:26:33

i'm just talking about staying over once or twice a week not moving in, obviously if things were a point where i was considering living together then i would be looking at buying ex out or selling up and moving in with potential new partner. yes he can afford maintenance and half the mortgage as our mortgage is very cheap and he would be protecting his investment. i do not want to do him out of anything i just want to know my rights. ideally i would buy him out now but that is not going to happen as my mortgage would shoot right up. thanks for advice so far

sitdownabcheck Tue 26-May-15 15:29:04

its moving very quickly and although he is an absolute arse in all way shape and form it is considerably amicable! he is useless with the children and wants what is rightfully his money wise so i think we are on the same page as i dont want to screw him. just want to know where i stand x

sitdownabcheck Tue 26-May-15 15:29:55

newbrummie hope everything is going ok for you?

Newbrummie Tue 26-May-15 16:17:44

I've just had the much anticipated email and basically he's been advised by his solicitor to do nothing and let our family home be repossessed rather than sign it over to me. I'm speechless

LotusLight Tue 26-May-15 16:43:57

It sounds like neither of you can afford a "clean break" (we had one - so no maintenance for either spouse) so there will usually therefore be payments by in this case your husband for a period after divorce usually long enough to enable the lower earner to retrain (or remarry or cohabit). It is an archaic idea really. If you move someone in sometimes they have no earnings and are a drain rather than the cash cow divorce law seems to assume a new partner is!

A friend pays his wife £65k a year maintenance but if she remarries or cohabits the agreement says it stops. Not surprisingly she is making sure men never stay over and will never remarry as the gravy train then stops.
My husband wanted high maintenance for life so instead I took out a mortgage at over £1m in order to buy out his claims through a very large lump sum with a clean break.

fiveacres Tue 26-May-15 16:56:27

I think the mortgage/home is for the children so I don't think it is unreasonable for him to continue paying for a home for his children to live in.

If you and a new boyfriend were to decide to move somewhere else with the children then really that's a 'cross that bridge' scenario.

DisappointedOne Tue 26-May-15 17:47:03

My neighbour split with her husband when their children were small. It was written into the divorce papers that he would pay the mortgage until the youngest finished uni, but any partner moving in would see the arrangement stop. Youngest is now 18 and no boyfriend has ever stayed over.

Newbrummie Tue 26-May-15 18:26:09

I'm not sure they can get away with that now though as it's basically dictating how the woman lives her life post divorce, not really the done thing

LotusLight Tue 26-May-15 18:27:00

I suppose then you need to do the sums. If say 2 children he should probably pay 20% of net pay for them. If his child payments plus the mortgage are much higher then part of it is spousal maintenance. However the mother might prefer it all to be called the child support so that the usual rule that if she cohabits the spousal maintenance stops does not then apply.

Newbrummie Tue 26-May-15 18:38:56

Is that you Zena ? You don't fancy being my lawyer and I'll pay you in cake and coffees do you ?

intlmanofmystery Tue 26-May-15 18:39:11

Most Court orders allow for termination of financial responsibilities on re-marriage or entering into a civil partnership. Depending on the Court, some will allow termination on co-habitation but this generally means that the new partner sees this as their "home", is there more days than not and has post redirected to your address etc.

With respect to the occasional overnighter, this is fine and once you are divorced your exH will have no control over what you do. It is none of his business. If you do decide to hypothetically move in together then there is the chance to buy out your exH and be completely free.

AnotherEmma Tue 26-May-15 18:45:59

Tbh this new boyfriend is completely hypothetical at the moment so I don't see why it should be a big issue. If and when you do start a new relationship, it won't be any of your ex's business, especially if it's not yet at the point of living together or getting married. Why on earth would you need to tell your ex whether your boyfriend stays over from time to time?

I think you should focus on getting the best possible divorce settlement for you and your kids. I would be surprised if he continues paying half the mortgage (as a PP said he has to find somewhere to live himself) but if he agrees to that, good. If not you will have no choice but to sell the house and find somewhere cheaper to live.
Depending on your income/earnings you may be entitled to tax credits and other benefits. And you will also get child maintenance from your ex plus child benefit.

ilovechristmas1 Tue 26-May-15 18:54:33

my divorce was 60-40 in my favour

i paid the mortgage and got no child maintenance shock

their would be no force of sale unless the kids had left education or i had been co-habiting for 6months or more

in the end none of it came into play,and the end result went much more in my favour

springalong Tue 26-May-15 19:06:41

Please note that any court order on maintenance etc can be reviewed after only 12 months. So the threat of stopping when future relationship crystallises can actually trigger much earlier.

BoneyBackJefferson Tue 26-May-15 19:32:13

Personally, I think that the OP is right to consider this possibility. It may save many issues down the road.

Newbrummie Tue 26-May-15 19:42:06

I'd be more worried about the bugger loosing his job, giving up work and not paying the mortgage anyway. You never think it'll happen to you but it can

Cabrinha Tue 26-May-15 19:49:09

"he has agreed to child maintenance" hmm
That's his responsibility as their father, unless he's agreed to more than the CMS amount (which he can go back on after 12 months anyway) then ignore this. It isn't something be has given you, to be included in a pot and traded against anything else.

sitdownabcheck Wed 27-May-15 09:46:54

Thank you for the advice. He has agreed to pay half the mortgage but wants rules put in place for if I meet someone and they stay over. This Would benefit us both anyway He is being very agreeable which is anew thing for him so fingers crossed it stays this way. Divorce papers have been posted by him now so just waiting to hear from solicitors to arrange consent order xx

FlabulousChix Wed 27-May-15 09:52:17

Wow. You are lucky as he has no obligation to pay the mortgage at all. My brother let his wife stay in the house until the kids were 18 putting a charge on the property. However she pays the mortgage and if she moves someone in before the kids are 18 she has to pay him his money. That's fair. Why should your ex subsidise another man?

Cabrinha Wed 27-May-15 10:02:39

The ex isn't subsidising another man. He's contributing towards a home for his children.

Flabulous, I am your brother. My XH is in the FMH and I put a charge on for my share. It's a very standard trigger point to include cohabitation. I actually left it out. I don't see why I should have any right to dictate his personal life.

In my opinion, either the money is owed (for housing children, or XW/H if that's appropriate) or it isn't.

Otherwise, isn't the new partner subsiding the XH by letting him off the hook for housing his own bloody kids?

It boils my piss that the law seems to encourage people to pass off their responsibilities onto a new partner.

No personal bias - I haven't been affected by it, and chose not to force it on my ex.

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