to be this pissed off with man-child

[lastqueenofscotland]

I need a rant and working away from home I can't potter round to a friends to do so!

DP is most of the time lovely, supportive interested in my high powered but otherwise incredibly boring job (noone has any genuine interest in what i do seriously it's impossible to but he'll listen to my rants about it), i hardly ever cook my own evening meal or breakfast, supportive of my hobbies and niche interests, very good with my incredibly difficult mother and 'chaotic' sister, does more than his fair share of the housework, pops up with little thoughtful things, even if it's just something he's seen that he thinks i'll find funny, or the name of a song on a radio he heard that he thinks ill like.
BUT get his bloody mates involved and he won't say no to them for fear of looking 'settled' like bloody 18 year olds do!! When the main protagonists are married and one has their first child on the way and they frequently will turn down stuff to spend time with their wives.

This weekend took the PISS. I've got a flight tomorrow as working away for 11 days, i had a train to airport hotel at 5 today. Thought all things considered it would be nice to spend a weekend together, we've both had a few nights away here nights away there for work, he agreed, we discussed a few things we could do, I made sure my dairy was free told a friend who asked if i was around I'd not be able to see her for example and she understood all good.
Anyway Saturday he suggests we all go down to the pub as his friends are there, i like them that's fine, go to pub. He invites 5 of his friends round to watch eurovision... chippy tea few wines and beers, they finally leave at midnight.
Next day he's a bit quiet, announces at 12:50 that he's going to go and play fucking cricket and has to leave in 10 mins time and he HAS to play cause the team are short. You do not play for england. You play for the village side. You do NOT have to play. I make it clear that i'm not happy with this. I get a phone call when there saying we are apparently going to someones house for a bbq... could i go and get some food for it seeing as i'm just sitting at home with nothing to do because i've cancelled all plans. Anyway go and get food dump it outside the changing room entrance and piss off cause i'm just not happy. Go round to my friend who lives local to DPs friend for a moan. Go to BBQ and he's very very apologetic, promising me we can do XYZ, we'll go out for lunch tomorrow blah blah blah. Anyway i probably made a bit too strong a point of being poisonous company, hardly spoke to anyone there (all blokes tbf), just scrolled through stuff on my phone. And when they started talking about going i was just a bit like "ok bye" and went and stood by the car for 10 mins.

This morning looking forwards to having a day when i finally get to actually spend some of my weekend not with his bloody meathead friends. Get up late, make a cooked breakfast together. Then at half 11 his best mate comes round with loads of beer/snacks to watch cricket, and this is NOT spontaneous, meathead friend is not capable of spontaneity. They settle down to watch it, promise we'll go and do something after cricket has finished... which will be interesting as cricket finishes after I'll be in my bloody airport hotel. Anyway train at 5 and i leave at 12:30 instead cause i've had enough. Get a text telling me who's won and thats it until obviously meathead has left. then i get loads of grovvelly stuff through, sorry but he really wanted to play cricket, sorry but meathead was really keen to watch it.
I've basically said do what you want but don't expect me to clear my diary for him again. Which he's said, oh we can go do this this and this once you're back. I then replied will meathead (not actually name of best friend but may as well be, not convinced isn't a neanderthal) be invited and no reply as yet.
He is nearly 30 and doesn't want to be teased by his friends for spending time with his other half... who happens to have to go to the states for 11 days.

I know i need to be a grown up and talk about this but i am so bloody cross and will totally lose my cool if i ring.
If it was a one off that's fine, but we went on holiday together and jesus, a friend (not meathead, one i can actually tolerate in all fairness) said during a conversation that he's always wanted to go where we were going, and he invited him along, and I ended up having to put my foot down saying that he was NOT coming on OUR holiday and not-meathead was actually very apologetic saying he'd never dared have agreed if he'd known it was a 'just us' thing.
HOW can impressing your friends come before everything else.

not even an AIBU just a full on rant I'm just so so upset.

[CtrlAltDelicious]

I actually think you sound rude and hard work. It's eleven days for god's sake. Not massive in the scheme of things. He sounds a bit crap though - asking you to go and pick up BBQ stuff? But from the sounds of your OP you don't seem to explicitly say how you feel or why you're upset - just sulk on your phone which just makes everyone uncomfortable, not just your DP.

[DoJo]

I don't understand why you went to the barbecue instead of telling him that you didn't want to go and would rather he didn't. Buying the stuff, dropping it off and then turning up later to sulk ostentatiously does seem like a convoluted way of demonstrating your displeasure when you could have just said 'I was expecting to spend the weekend with you and you've already buggered off to play cricket - can't you just come home now so that we can have a night in together before I go away?'.
Today does sound like a bit of a disaster - was it arranged yesterday after a few beers? If he has form for not really thinking through the consequences of his invitations (which it sounds like he does) then perhaps that's something you need to have a proper conversation about rather than sulking when it does happen and blowing your top after holding it all in.

[OwlinaTree]

I'd be cross too op. You two had plans. He just decided to change the plans without discussion. The fact the friend came round and he hadn't said and it was planned is really off.

I'd be saying to him, if you don't want to spend time with me, just me, sometimes, why are we in this relationship?

[Fatmomma99]

That's harsh, CTRLALT

Her DH sounds lovely but crap in one particular area. and if (as I suspect lastqueen was hoping) he'd told them all to piss off, they could have had a lovely w.end together, had some romantic and intimate time, and he could have had the lads over for the next 11 days and done what he wanted.

I understand why she's disappointed and upset.

[TwinkieTwinkle]

I understand why you were annoyed but I also think you sound a bit like a sulky teenager, which is making it difficult to feel sympathy for you. I think both you and your partner have things to work on.

[LadyCuntingtonThe3rd]

I actually think that YANBU. I'd be pissed off as well.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I don't understand why you went to the barbecue instead of telling him that you didn't want to go and would rather he didn't. Buying the stuff, dropping it off and then turning up later to sulk ostentatiously does seem like a convoluted way of demonstrating your displeasure

This

[lastqueenofscotland]

I know i probably shouldn't have gone to the BBQ. I'll take that.

RE sitting down and talking i don't know how many more times I'm expected to say "i dont want to spend all our bloody time together with your dullard friends!!" about a month ago he said wouldn't it be really nice to have a day just too ourselves, yeh definitely, drive to countryside and go for a walk (was a glorious day) sounds good... an hour later 4 of his mates are round. I did mention on the way to the bbq that i can't actually remember the last time we had a decent amount of time together without his mates or family who i actually like a lot in fairness, cause usually its in from work late, stuff face, wash hair sleep. But his job is equally busy!
He didn't really have an answer to that i just said that since we went away in January i literally cannot think of a time we just had a day of not having to see his friends at all.
None of them are bad people, but they aren't MY friends and a couple of them just aren't people i like/would otherwise associate with.

I know it sounds like I've blown my top this weekend, but it's been said 10000 times that i don't work hard in the week (and several weekends a year) to end up having my weekends ruined cause meatheads had an argument with his wife/is bored/etc.

The next weekend I'm home I'm already informed that we are being joined by meathead, not-meathead and some others.
I think after that is over with I'm really going to have to say why are we bothering if you really don't want to spend time with me.

I know it sounds awful but i came back from a dream job abroad for him and it feels like a terrible waste at the moment.

[ilovesooty]

I became exhausted just reading that rant. I think you need to do some serious talking. You began by saying how lovely he is but the rest of the post burns with resentment and you sound as though you don't much like him, his interests or his friends.
If you spend your time sulking rather than talking about what has made you angry I don't think you'll make much progress.

[ilovesooty]

You resent having given up a dream job for him. What is his work and are you interested in that and supportive of it?

[DoJo]

The next weekend I'm home I'm already informed that we are being joined by meathead, not-meathead and some others.

Why are you letting yourself 'be informed' of these arrangements? What would happen if you just said 'no - I want to spend time with just you. Tell them that they can't come round.'

Is it a deal breaker for you? It sounds like you are close to breaking point but does he actually realise this? I agree that there doesn't seem like much point to your relationship with so many other parties involved in every social event and occasion. Do you think he relies more on his friends because you work so hard? Or is he just one of those people who can't bear the idea that he might 'miss' something if he isn't involved in every event, gathering or get-together?

[Topseyt]

I can see where you are coming from. You don't sound unreasonable at all to me, though I think you should have tackled him directly about it, telling him that his friends are intruding far too much into your planned time together, almost as if your lives revolve around them rather than each other.

I wouldn't have gone to the barbecue, and nor would I have willingly bought food for it under those circumstances.

Are you actually telling him all of this or just expecting him to pick up on it? Tell him. Give him no excuse to claim that he didn't realise.

[lastqueenofscotland]

He runs his own business. I'm very supportive IMO. I've done and continue to do work for them on top of my own work (paper work/emails/phone calls etc etc) gone on trips to visit sites/pitches he's worried about for moral support. Sounding board for various dreams, successes and disasters. I've been left to entertain clients before. They'll be getting very busy in the next few months and I've already agreed to give up a few weekends to help them (family run thing so just him his parents and a fairly average part time admin lady) keep on top of it all.
It just seems that ever weekend is either his work (which I don't mind actually I'm a complete workaholic) or his friends. But whenever I mention this it falls on dead ears probably why I've thrown the baby out with the bath water this weekend but I'm just so frustrated it was sulking or getting incredibly upset. I don't know how many times I have to go over it for it to sink in!

[TwinkieTwinkle]

But that just sounds petty. You don't mind if he works at weekends because you're a workaholic but you do mind him being with friends. Is there perhaps some resentment on your part? Do you have a group of close friends?

[Canyouforgiveher]

I don't think you are being unreasonable given that you never are without his friends.

I know this sounds harsh but you might need to face that he isn't refusing his friends because he is afraid of being teased but because he'd rather watch cricket/play cricket/hang in the pub with them than go for a walk in the country with you. As in you're fine as a girlfriend but what he wants to do/how he wants to spend his time is with his mates.

I don't say this to be mean to you but because if that is the case (and it might be - 30 sometimes seems to be the new 15) then you'd be better off heading off and finding someone who really and truly wants to be with you. or who is mature enough to value a relationship and enjoy it.

[lastqueenofscotland]

Dojo I genuinely think it's fear of missing out!
we'll be perfectly happily enjoying ourselves before someone rigs and says pub?!? And he'll get all itchy feet.

Currently I have made plans for two things in about a month that are totally on his terms bar none of his bloody friends coming. I'll sort somewhere to stay, they are things he'll enjoy (ie sport), I'll drive so he can drink. He knows the dates...
I just have a feeling I'll end up taking a friend with his tickets...

[itsatrap]

Well, I don't think you sound hard work, or like a sulky teenager, I think in your position I would be a bit pissed off too. My DH sounds a bit like your dp, totally lovely, but when it comes to putting his foot down with his mates, he is a bit 'wet'. 'It's only 11 days!' 11 days isn't that long, but If I was away from DH for that long I would miss DH as he is fab, and I would want to spend some time with him before I went away. In conclusion, ynbu.

[ilovesooty]

I wondered about your friendship circle too.

It does seem that the more he interacts with his friends the more resentful you'll get. You might think you're discussing it but any communication doesn't seem to be working.

And you don't have to "end up taking a friend" If you don't want to.

[yakari]

But some people just prefer being in a gang. They like big groups and socialising with friends over being just a 'couple'. It does sound like you both have different ideas of what a relaxing weekend should be.
Neither option is better but maybe you need to work out whether it's a deal breaker or if you can find a compromise ie not a whole weekend of one or the other. So pub with friends (invite your own as well) on Friday night but Saturday night is just the two of you. It sounds like your 'all weekend together' is not his preference but equally his 'lets get the gang together' isn't yours.

[DoJo]

Currently I have made plans for two things in about a month that are totally on his terms bar none of his bloody friends coming. I'll sort somewhere to stay, they are things he'll enjoy (ie sport), I'll drive so he can drink.

So you are making every compromise possible to provide him with the perfect weekend, and you still don't think he will be able to make time for you because his friends won't be there. It does sound as though he doesn't really 'hear' you when you say that you want to spend time alone, but what can you do about that?

[lastqueenofscotland]

I have a close friendship circle. Frequently see them on weekends/evenings. Difference here is that we specifically said shall we clear our diaries as we've bother been away for ages and now I'm going away for 11 days we've hardly seen each other.
So when my friend rang on Thursday asking if I wanted to come with her to help with some stuff for their new house I said no, even tho I'd have loved to.

Thing is he gets it without me saying! He'll always apologise after "why can't you say no" "oh I don't want to be that guy, look so and so got married and now he never comes to the pub, don't want to be that guy."
Doesn't get that there is being that guy and never being around.
When not with his friends he is wonderful, when he is with his friends he behaves like a 18 year old, it's disgusting derogatory jokes, behaving like an idiot and it's a total 180 of what he's like round me/aquentances that aren't "mates' and his family.

He knows I'm not ok with it! Hence grovelling apology, often coming back to spotless house with dinner made, often coming back to a car with a full tank of petrol when I'm away. But always immediately following or followed by "so and so is coming round" I'm never asked. Even though I've said. Grumble I need to sleep.

[DoJo]

"oh I don't want to be that guy, look so and so got married and now he never comes to the pub, don't want to be that guy."

Does he not realise that 'that guy' is CHOOSING to spend time with his partner rather than spending his whole time with his friends? If he really thinks that people who embark on committed relationships only stay in because their partners won't 'let them' rather than because they actually WANT to spend time with a life partner, then perhaps that's the problem.

He thinks that if he says 'no' then his friends will think he's 'whipped', which in turn pushes you into the position where you end up having to try and persuade him to spend time with you rather than them. His fear of being 'that guy' has caused the vicious cycle whereby he is unable to spend time with you precisely because you want him to.

[King1982]

The cricket was good though.

[ohtheholidays]

Op it's your home to if he does it again and you've had no time together alone just answer the door and say No,sorry were busy and shut the door!

I think that is probably the only way your going to get through to your OH and his friends.