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AIBU?

AIBU to tell my HV to fuck off

73 replies

cricketqueen · 25/05/2015 23:48

Every single time I see my HV she goes on about me needing to go to baby groups and meet other mums.
I keep telling her that I have mum friends but their babies are a few months older but this doesn't seem to compute. The latest thing is she wants me to consider a parenting class to meet mums with babies the same age as my dd and to get support as my parents live 2 hours away. I have friends and as a 25 year old functioning adult I can make decisions for myself but she is constantly hassling me.
She is now starting on my breastfeeding, I have started adding formula due to medical issues of my own that make me feel more comfortable having my dd starting on formula. She won't listen to me and just keeps pushing continuing ebf. I bf through a week in hospital with jaundice and severe pain and I can't do that again.
I have to see her tomorrow can I just tell her where to stick her helpful advice?

OP posts:

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DoJo · 25/05/2015 23:51

I have to see her tomorrow can I just tell her where to stick her helpful advice?

You don't have to see here - is there any reason that you are having so much contact with her? Because you aren't obliged to keep going to appointments if you're not finding them helpful.

steff13 · 25/05/2015 23:51

I'd tell her that I no longer required her services.

26Point2Miles · 25/05/2015 23:52

You don't have to see her tomorrow .... I wouldn't engage with her at all

hiddenhome · 25/05/2015 23:55

Just nod and smile. Rinse and repeat.

cricketqueen · 25/05/2015 23:55

I'm going to get my dd weighed. I don't initiate any of the contact she just keeps ringing me up or sending me information in leaflet form.

OP posts:

Ladymoods · 25/05/2015 23:55

Yes, tell her to fuck off. The social aspect of being a new parent is none of her business unless you ask her for advice. But then I hated any type of baby/toddler/breastfeeding group, so I may be biased! Agree with Dojo, just don't make any more appointments with her, you are clearly very on top of things and clear about how you want to do things so just let the nosy old bag go.

LadyCuntingtonThe3rd · 26/05/2015 00:01

I don't have one specific, but the one that came over the last time said I should be attending those playgroups (sigh) and that my DD has gained too much weight being EBF, so I must keep longer gaps between feedings.
I am contemplating on not seeing any HV again.

CultureSucksDownWords · 26/05/2015 00:07

Screen the phone calls, bin the leaflets and don't engage in any chat if you go to the weighing drop in.

If you're happy with your DDs weight, then don't go for weigh ins. I stopped going from 4 months ish once I was happy my DSs weight was following a centile roughly.

MrsNextDoor · 26/05/2015 00:42

You can just stop seeing her. Don't call her back...

The5DayChicken · 26/05/2015 00:57

I stopped seeing a HV after she handled a few things badly with me. About 6 months later, I took DD to the drop in clinic to get weighed and the HV on rotation there approached something more tactfully and wanted to monitor it. After explaining why DD was no longer on their books, new HV now visits us at home, complete with scales, etc.

Some HVs are better at their jobs than others, just like other professions. If you find the service itself useful, it might be worth explaining your issues to another HV and seeing if they'll take over?

Sapat · 26/05/2015 01:17

Ask for another HV!

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 26/05/2015 01:27

Ok, I've encountered a fair few utterly useless HV over the years, but I do think that it's potentially dangerous to just casually say to a pp "oh just ignore her". Even if this pp doesn't need the HV stuff or indeed the parenting support she has recommended (and none of us know what her situation is) others reading this who really really do need the support on offer might well decide not to engage.

Becles · 26/05/2015 01:31

Yes YABU to tell anyone outside of a nasty argument to fuck off when you could do what adults have been telling children to do for years: 'use your words' aka speak to / engage with the other person so they know what's on your mind rather than you getting upset that your unknown thoughts haven't been devined.

Even more so when it's not a service foisted on you. No one deserves to deal with that attitude at work even if a public sector worker dealing with a new mother.

CultureSucksDownWords · 26/05/2015 01:51

Actually, CloserToFifty, you are very right. It would be better advice for the OP to tell the HV how they feel and/or ask for a different HV.

In my case, I had no need to see or speak to the HV team, and they had no need to communicate with me, which was why I stopped going to the drop in weighing sessions. I still went to the 1 yr and 2 yr check ups though.

Kiwiinkits · 26/05/2015 01:51

You could just use your manners and talk to her. You might be 25 but there's no need to be childishly defensive. She's just trying to do her job.

Topseyt · 26/05/2015 02:22

Just tell her you are happy with your social set up and with how your baby is doing.

Getting regular weigh-ins done is advisable but not compulsory. Unless there is cause for concern I wouldn't go more than about once a month, if that. Not once the newborn stage was over and done with.

In fact, with my second and third babies I think I only went to things like the one or two year check up.

Don't be rude to her. Just say firmly that you are comfortable with the status quo and don't want to change it at the moment.

CoupDetat · 26/05/2015 02:28

YANBU to be upset and I'm not going to tell you YABU to tell someone to fuck off because I think we both know you're not going to do that.

Right now you're perfectly happy with the way you're doing things so you have three options. 1# Tell your HV firmly but politely that you're happy with the way you're doing things and have no interest in her pushing mum and baby groups as you don't feel the need for them. 2# This service isn't compulsory so I would tell her you no longer require her services unless there is some underlying reason why you have to stay in touch with the services then. 3# Which leads me to my next point, if that's the case or you want to keep in touch with the services then simply request a new HV. No one will judge you or ask questions.

MidniteScribbler · 26/05/2015 03:38

I stopped engaging with mine because she had a real beef with single parents. I kept being told about boys who grow up without fathers turn to gangs, and kept going on about contraception because 'you don't want to go through that again', trying to get me to go on the waiting list for a housing commission house because 'I'd hate to see you on the streets' and asking me if I had any 'thoughts about a career after parenting'. WTF? I was 36, DS was donor conceived by choice, own my own home, and I have a masters degree and went back to work when he was twelve months. She was awful. I told her that she needed to stop stereotyping people and that whilst I was pretty thick skinned, a young single parent in a difficult place would never turn to her for support, and I put in a formal complaint to her supervisor. She was apparently 'reassigned to another role in the service' thank goodness.

cricketqueen · 26/05/2015 04:11

Obviously I wouldn't actually tell her to fuck off that was tongue in cheek. I didn't realise you could ask for a new one. So I think I'll mention that tomorrow.
Also to whoever said about dealing with my attitude. I have repeatedly politely told her that I'm not interested but it doesn't appear to have worked. I don't see why as a new mum I should have to deal with her attitude either. The constant phone call about baby massage, yoga etc make me feel like a terrible mum sometimes even though she writes no concerns in the red book, it feels like I'm doing something wrong by not going iyswim?. My dd is gaining weight well and is happy (most of the time), maybe when she is older and can walk I'll take her to the local baby gym.
I will express my wish to change hv tomorrow at the weigh in clinic.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 26/05/2015 04:52

How old is your baby and how many times has she actually contacted you?

cricketqueen · 26/05/2015 05:03

My dd is 3 months and she contacts me about once every 10 days. I go get my dd weighed every 2 weeks, she was a tiny baby so I want to check that she's steadily gaining, so I obv see her then. In between I get leaflets about baby groups and messages/phone calls asking me if I want to put my name down for this and that. In fairness I haven't heard from her in 2 weeks but I know I'll see her at the weigh in clinic so I'll need to tell her I'm ok not going to baby massage or whatever.

OP posts:

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 26/05/2015 05:15

Don't refuse to see her - it will set alarm bells ringing and draw unwanted attention, especially if she has any concerns about how you are coping. How old is your baby and does the HV actually have any reasons to be particularly concerned about you? Are you a lone parent with a history of depression for example?

Stay calm and practise assertiveness. Look her in the eye, smile sweetly and say 'Look. I appreciate that you are paid to tell all new mums that breast is best, and I appreciate that you may passionately agree with that. I have made a decision that my child will now be moved onto formula milk. It is my choice, I have a right to that choice, and I believe it is the right thing for me and my baby at this time. It is not up for discussion. Thank you for your concern and your advice and please do not be offended or alarmed if I choose not to take it.'

Take the details of the groups she is pushing on you and say 'ok thanks, I might check them out if I am at a loose end or feeling bored/lonely but at the moment I have plenty of support and company from friends and I'm doing fine.'

If she constantly phones you and hassles you to go, then say to her 'Is it the law? Am I obligated to go? Will my child be removed by social services if I don't go? Because forgive me, but you are starting to make it sound as though it's not actually my decision on how I spend my free time. Are you on commission from these places or something?'

But always stay calm, always keep a civil tongue in your head, always remember that she is not your enemy (unless you give her good reason to be) and she is trying to help. She has your and your DD's best interests at heart, whether you think you recognise that you need that help or not.

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ItsRainingInBaltimore · 26/05/2015 05:17

sorry crossed posts. At 3 months I think you are not being unreasonable to tell her politely to back off now. Unless there is a history to this that you are not letting on about.

slightlyconfused85 · 26/05/2015 05:24

Yabu to tell anyone to fuck off, particularly a health care professional only doing their job and giving the advice they have to give.

It is her job to keep an eye on your health too- a lot of women suffer pnd or struggle with early baby days- going to groups and making local friends helps. I'm sure you're not one of these and I realise you have other friends but it would be wrong of her not to remind you they are there for you.

Nod and smile politely then ignore if you want but don't be rude.

MooMaid · 26/05/2015 05:33

Amazing how different things are. I last saw my HV at 8 weeks and they don't plan on seeing me again. No mention of weigh ins, no baby group nothing. I could never see anyone again or get DD weighed and I don't think anyone would notice.

If things are on track perhaps explain you no longer require their services, or see a different one, it's not compulsory to see them and you tend to get conflicting advice anyway!

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